in his most devoted attempt to fight crime, the champ debuted the compass in may, providing the women of vsb with an infallible guide to decipher what men really mean when we’re talking to them. despite his efforts, crime has continued and nicky minaj is still alive, heart-breaking facts inspiring the champ to clear the lines of communication a bit more with the vsb guide to what smart men usually hear when women are talking to us because sometimes the distance between what you say and what we actually hear is farther apart than shaq’s eyes.
“we need to talk…later” = “you know you done f*cked up, right? but, although i know what i need to talk at you about will probably take less than 5 minutes, i’m just going to let you linger in anticipation for the rest of the day for the upcoming guilt ridden tongue-lashing you’re going to receive about something you still have no idea you even did.”
“i miss you” = “bastard, if you dont at least tell me that you miss me back, we’re probably not having sex again until the browns win another game”
“do you think she’s attractive?” = “i need to know which types of women you find attractive so i can start hating them for no apparent reason. i’ll also need this info to limit your contact with any of my girlfriends who might favor them.”
“whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”
“i have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “my friend has eight cats. five of them are better looking than she is, and, according to her last boyfriend, one of them is actually better in bed”
“do you like my new hairdo?” = “since you haven’t said anything about it yet, i’m assuming you hate it. but, if you say you like it, i’ll know you’re lying. basically, you’re f*cked.”
“how was your day?” = “did anything happen to you today that i can somehow segue into a 17 minute tangent about myself?”
“i have a boyfriend” = either “try harder” or “no offense, but i think you’re a homosexual”. no in-between.
(from a girlfriend) “i’m going out with my girls tonight” = “i’m going to go out, flirt with a ton of men, accept a bunch of free drinks, dance with my girls, grind with a couple guys like an extra in a freekey zekey video, and come home and take out all of my drunken sexual energy on you. you should be very happy with this arrangement”
“i usually get along with men much better than i get along with women” = “i’m a ho. no, seriously. i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery.”
“kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. he’s doing really well” = “you’re not going to be broke forever, are you?”
“i’m not really that hungry right now. what are you in the mood for?” = “even though i said i’m not that hungry, i’m probably going to shoot down your first three suggestions. my advice? pick a restaurant without pictures on the menu”
“i’ve had a really stressful week” = “i want your babies…on my chest”
i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.
oh, and ladies, what gets lost in translation with us? what do you usually hear when we’re talking to you?