Spades is the official card game of the African-American community. I don’t want to hear about bid whist or gin. I almost think it should be taught to little Black boys and girls since anytime I meet a Black person who can’t play spades…
…I don’t trust them and think their upbringing was lacking.
Spades is the kind of game people get stabbed over. Friendships have been f*cked, relationships ruined, and new love interests have turned to utter disgust at their very sight. This can happen all within a matter of seconds.
Thing is, all of this can be avoided – quite simply too. You see, just like anything in life, there are rules to this sh*t. Here are 10.
1. Never ever ever ever ever overstate your spades abilities. More fights could be avoided if somebody didn’t front like they were better than they are. If you’ve been playing spades for a solid 2 weeks, there’s no way you’re going to be able to team up with somebody who’s been playing for 10 years. Stay in your lane, Hyundai.
2. Because rules differ by region, ALWAYS MOTHERF*CKING ASK THE RULES IF YOU’RE NEW TO THE CREW THAT’S PLAYING. This serves two purposes: 1) you won’t be the reason your team loses because you “didn’t know” that the 2 of Diamonds trumps the 2 of Spades; and 2) you won’t have to say some stupid sh*t like, “well I didn’t know because we don’t play like that where I’m from” which will more than likely piss of your partner who assumed you knew since you probably pretended you could hang no matter where you were. Don’t die behind the deuce, dumas.
3. Do not be wrong on calling out somebody for renigging. Saying somebody renigged gets the same reaction as a white chick saying she was raped by a Black man in the 1800s. Anger, disbelief, etc. You better be right and you better be able to pick out the book that’s fugazi. Saying somebody renigged is basically calling them liars. In the wild West, it got you shot. In Brooklyn, it might get you street sweepered. Plus if you’re wrong, your partner pays the price. Be sure, b*tch.
4. Don’t talk across the board. You ain’t bleeding and and everybody knows what you mean when you start mentioning the Black B*tch. You’re not fooling anybody. Just stop it. People have been shot for less.
5. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. Do not be the jacka** who stands up, sticks the cards to his forehead, and talks beaucoup sh*t when winning if you get all salty and b*tchmade when your’e down 100, you Game a** ninja.. Real talk, I’ve seen fights break out because of trash-talking at the spades table. I’ve also been involved in one. I shouldn’t have slapped that dude with the Big Joker. Oh well, we won.
6. Play to win. If you have Ace’s, lead with them. Don’t try to get cute by starting out with a 10 of Hearts just to see what everybody else has like that’s a real strategy.
7. Learning how to properly count books and possibles is a skill. (And everybody can’t do it). I HATE people who constantly underbid because they don’t know how to read their hand. If you have 13 cards and only 1 of them is a Heart, well, you have CUT CARDS. That means you probably have more books than you think. On the other hand, if you have 6 spades, ranging from 3-8, well, you just might not have the 8 books that you think you do. Plus, depending on where you’re playing, sandbagging might get you f*cked up in the game.
8. Pay attention to the cards that are being played. More people suck at spades because they don’t know how to read the table. Observation will get you everywhere. Stop looking at the chicks who aren’t watching you watching you play.
9. Make sure you know which Joker is the BIG Joker. This is important enough to get its own line. I will be ready to fight you if you “think” you have the BIG Joker and you don’t. Ask before you start playing dummy. Then again, if I’d chosen my partner wisely, I wouldn’t have had that problem. Bitter daze.
10. If you must be cocky and animated, PRACTICE YOUR DAMN CARD SLAP ON YOUR OWN TIME. I’ve mastered the slap-and-spin. Whether on the table by itself or on top of other cards. My cut-card will spin like its life depended on it. Also, I like to get that nice crisp slap that just lets other people around know you just got your a** handed to you. And I will slap the table with cards a lot. I win, b*tch.
BONUS: As with any game, if you lose, get your happy a** up off the table, say good game and congratulate the people who beat you. Nobody likes the Lebron a** ninjas salty b*tches who can’t take losing with dignity.
These were just 1o of the general rules associated with playing spades and keeping your life. What are the other rules people need to know about spades playing??
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3