Tag Archives: life

Curtain Call: Signs It’s Time To Go…From Anywhere

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When he shows up...I'm out.

Earlier today, Lil Boosie (nee Torrance Hatch) plead guilty to transporting drugs into two federal prison facilities. I think its safe to say that he’s about to get buried under the jail. Now, the relevance there lies only in the fact that Lil Boosie looks like the kind of dude I’d avoid in general. And at all costs. You know the look. And do you know why you know the look? It’s because you profile. So do I. Which is how we got here in the first place.

By the way, Kimberly Elise specializes in looking a hot damn mess. Period.

Moving on. I remember a long time ago I was at this spot in Atlanta and a group of dudes who all looked like Lil Boosie walked into the spot. It was at that point that my spidey sense went off and I immediately closed the piano and walked the f*ck out of the spot. Some situations just look like violence or wrong is about to happen. And I for one prefer not to be in that vicinity. Well this random thought occurred to me today about other signs that it just might indeed be time to get the f*ck out of dodge.

Curious? I thought you might be. Here’s a list. Well, below is a list. Underground.

1. My phone battery gets down to 15 percent

I don’t care if I’m at church. If my battery gets down that low, it’s time to roll the f*ck out. There’s something about being lost in the world without a working cell phone. I know that emergencies don’t happen that often and all but what if the ONE time my phone is about to shut off a band of muscular midgets rolls up on me, robs me and I can’t call the police because my phone is dead…because I’m in Zaire. I’d be #madahellshawty. It’s like my own personal checks and balance. My phone battery being low lets me know that I need to rethink my life and be in a safe place. Panic room.

2. Somebody takes off his shirt/wifebeater

I go to clubs where tshirts tend to be frowned upon. But if I see out of the corner of my eye that some dude is coming out of his shirt, I assume that some violence is about to go down. Or in the illustrious words of (the ladies screaming go…) Andre 3000, “two ni**as done started bustin, one ni**a done took his shirt off talkin’ ’bout, ‘now who else wanna f*ck with Hollywood Court’” I know a crime in progress when I see one.

3. Girls get into an argument with a dude

This one is a bit of a catch-22. See, nothing good comes of a man arguing with a woman. But women also know this and don’t expect men to act like men because breasts are present. So the chick will loudcap, push the forehead, mush a ninja, and generally just get brolic on a dude. Thing is, these situations NEVER end well. NEVER. These situations end up on World Star Hip Hop with some chick getting bodied by a dude who will inevitably go to prison at some point in his life. But I can’t just run out the club since I know that the girl will need help. Basically, I stay out of clubs…

4. …where guys show up in the Grown & Sexxy special

You know, striped button ups, really cheap expensive jeans and some ALDO shoes. And fake Gucci sunglasses. At night. When a band of these merry men show up in the club…its time to go. Even if nothing does go down, they increase the potential for f*cksh*t by 1000 percent. That sh*t was written like a Drake freestyle.

Those are some signs that its time to get the f*ck out of dodge. What are some other signs that its time to roll? Share so we all may know.

I’m gully.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. ITS MURDAAAAAAAAAA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

6 Things That Every Grown A** Black Man Needs In His Life

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Wu-Tang is for the children.

We’ve spent a significant amount of time here at VSB trying to help the womenfolks understand what men are truly looking for in women. And despite all of this help, I still happen to see scowling, angry-visaged, treebiting looking women running rampant on the mean streets of DC.

Sensitive thugs aren’t the only people that need hugs. Boobs and nubs both need hugs.

With that in mind, and with the recession going stronger than Peyton Manning in the 2nd Half of a football game (so sad Sanchez), I figured what the hell, why not shift the focus to the hombres? Fact is, a lot of men out there do suck. Women say it all the time and by law I’m required to deny, deny, deny, but I’m not blind nor stupid. And according to the great homeless philosopher, Homeless Philosopher, “ni**as are n*gg*s, worldwide. You got a dollar?”

There a few things that all grown a** Black men need in order to not only succeed with the ladies, but for life. Allons-y.

1) A Barber

Unless you rock a baldy, every grown a** man needs to have a barber to keep him looking professional and presentable. Hell, the only person higher up on the ladder than a Black man’s barber should be his mother. In fact, a ninja-barber relationship is so important (and fragile) that I just STOPPED going to my barber years ago because I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was gonna shave my own head from here on out. He might think I’m dead. Either way, every Black man needs a first-name-basis-knows-facts-about-my-family barber.

2) Credit Card/Actual Credit Report

While I appreciate the commercials for Eastern’s Motors in the DC Metro area for their use of B-list celebrities and their non-synced lip-synching,  your job should NOT be your credit. You should have an actual credit score. And at least one credit card that doesn’t include the words RUSHCARD on it. While I’m not going to tel anybody what their credit score should be (Little Baby Jesus knows that all of us have our times of financial strife), you shouldn’t be getting denied service for a cell phone line. Women frown upon men who cannot own and operate cellphones. Trackphones and MetroPCS do not count.

Speaking of credit…

3) A job

Yes. You need a job mofo. There comes a point in life where you just can’t justify that hobby that takes up all your time with no real return on life. I’m looking at you Teeny. And your ilk. I have a lot of hobbies too. Some of them pay. What, you think Panama Muhf**kin’ writes for free? You need income. What is any woman worth her salt going to be doing dating a man without a job after she’s 22 years old. Women are going to college and graduating. Us? Kinda.

There’s a slight bit of leeway if you just so happened to lose your job in this recession. Blame Obama (it’s been a year now).

4) A dream/Aspirations

Marty Mart had a loft dream and got murked out in Memphis for it. So don’t dream so big. Besides, little kids of different colors been playing together since the 80s. Pick something else. But at least have the nerve to be somewhat ambitious. Women hate men without goals. Hell, I hate men without goals. Youstink. Get your sh*t together, soldier. At least dream of owning something. Even if that something is a box of new pencils.

5) At least one pair of sunglasses

Because you WILL see women who look fly and they will attempt to lock eyes with you as an opening to getting you in trouble. Plus, its easier to look at a** while you’re with your girl if you have on shades. Not that I’d know about that, but I do wear my sunglasses at night (no club) nowadays.

6) Good shoes

A good woman will judge you based on your shoes. If you’re walking around in some Buster Browns that look more beat down than Rihanna in a Lambo, well gangsta, you really need to step your game up. Work harder and spend some money on some decent casual kicks. And no, Nike Boots do not count as quality shoes, you moron.

Patrons of VSB, help a brotha(s) out. What does every grown a** Black man need in order to succeed in life and with women. Let’s do our civic and social duty today.

Kick the truth.

-VSB P aka  THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

What The World Needs Now.

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Given the events of the past few days, I figure we should just switch modes for a minute so everybody can take some time, chill the f*ck out, have a Coke and smile.

And since (apparently) Panama has a tendency towards the negativity, I figured I’d shed the light on a little bit of love.  Yes, bi*tches.  What the world needs now, is love, sweet love.  That’s the only thing….well you know the rest (or should anyway).

This is an old story, but a good one for those in need of hope, possibility, and just all around feel-the-f*ck goodness.

Panama loves the love.

Liz sent me this story and it made me smile, mostly because this is some unbelievable, beautiful stuff.  Even if it is a year old. As of September of 2008, there was an American couple of, Black people, who had been married for 84 years.

EIGHTY-FOUR.

8.4.

I can’t even imagine being married for 30 and they made it to 80????!?!?!?

I’m just going to post part of the article because frankly, just reading all of the comments from the past two days has worn me out.  But this at least brought a smile to my face because man, 84 years is a long time to be with one person.  That my friends…

…is what it’s all about.  That…is love.

****

Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher of the Brownsville community have been married for more than 84 years. That is a feat in itself.

They have the world record of the longest marriage for a living couple.

They can thank their granddaughter Iris Godette for getting the recognition. She submitted the information to the Guinness Book of Records..

The information was apparently checked by Guinness and a certificate was given to the couple.

However, when you ask Herbert about the Guinness recognition, he just says, “Oh, Yeah?” The recognition has not changed their life.

He still looks at her with love and concern, as she looks toward him as if he will give her strength and guidance.

They have lived for more than 50 years in a house near the Coastal Carolina Regional Airport. They lived in James City before that but the land was purchased for apartments and the two moved.

Herbert was born June 10, 1905. His hearing is going but his mind is sharp. Zelmyra was born Dec. 10, 1907. She uses a walker to get around the house and yard. The two of them can still give their reasons for marrying on May 13, 1924.

“He was not mean; he was not a fighter,” Zelmrya said. “He was quiet and kind. He was not much to look at but he was sweet.”

Herbert said Zelmyra never gave him any trouble. “No, no trouble at all. We never argued, but we might have disagreed,” he said.

Norma Godette, one of the couple’s five children. said her parents have gotten along well through the years.

“One time, mama wanted to work. Daddy told her she could not work, that he could take care of the family. She slipped down to Cherry Point and got a job as a caretaker there,” Godette said.

“Well, it was done; she got the job. I had to let it be,” Herbert said.

Different religions did not tear the two apart. He is a member of Pilgrim Chapel Missionary Baptist Church. She is a member of Jones Chapel African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church. The churches are in James City, where they both grew up. For all of their married life they have attended their own churches. They go their own ways on Sunday morning.She reads the Bible daily.

The two watch television together. “We separate when the baseball comes on,” Zelmyra said.

Herbert loves baseball, especially the Atlanta Braves. He also enjoys golf, because one of his son-in-laws plays the game.

They have no secret or sage advice as to why their marriage has lasted so long.

“I didn’t know I would be married this long,” Herbert said. “But I lived a nice holy life and go to church every Sunday.

“Yes sir, anything for her.”

Zelmyra said Herbert was the only boyfriend she ever had. “We got along good,” she said. “There was no trouble.”

She said she is not tired of seeing him. “I didn’t think I’d be married this long. He is quiet,” she said.

Zelmyra said her husband had no annoying habits. They both said they shared the title of “boss.”

The two sit on the porch and as a train goes by they count the cars. They also watch the neighbors who walk by.

****

Awww.

He had no annoying habits?  She never gave him any trouble?  Wow.  My friends, this is about as good as it gets.  Can you even imagine that?? Doesn’t it make you just want to hug a porcupine??

In fact, if you’re near somebody, give them a nice big hug for everlasting love.

And let’s not forget to hug the Panama.

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka GIIIIIIRL, HE A 3