A year ago to the day plus 13 days, The Champ did the knowledge by dropping for you 20 life lessons he’d learned up to that point. Rah rah rah. Sis boom bah. Then it dawned on me.
So upon having that realization, I said to myself, “what does Marsellus Wallace look like?” Then I said, Champ and I have lifed different lives, so there’s a really good chance that we’ve learned different things. Probably even a better than 50 percent chance. And since I’m like Kanye West, I tend to live my life like this (regarding his instincts):
Me too, Kanye. Me too.
So with that being said, read my lips. Here 20 life lessons that I’ve learned. Not today. But you gon’ learn today.
1. If you intend to kill a bug, you must keep your eyes on him at all times or he will be gone the moment you return with bug spray, a shoe, and/or lightning fluid.
Speaking of bugs…
2. Roaches really are damn near indestructible. I’ve seen a roach live through attempted drowning, arson, entrapment, kidnapping, and Agent Orange exposure. I’m pretty sure I should be doing life in prison right now for the things I did to that roach. And it still took an hour to kill him. The lesson here? As always, stepping on a motherf*cker is the most effective way to get ahead in life.
3. Don’t trust anybody who owns a Zune. In fact if you see a person holding a Zune, it is okay to call the police as they are probably Chinese spies or at least Laker-sympathizers.
4. A Black man with no bass in his voice is the same thing as a young white man with a bald head, while there’s a good chance they’re good people, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they were domestic terrorists or actually comment on WSHH.
5. Never trust anybody who grocery shops at 7-11.
6. It’s a lot easier to get sex than most of us think. Especially as you get older. Pretty much everybody wants to f*ck immediately but you can’t just say that. Which I understand, women need to at least feel like you put in work and men do like to feel like they discovered something. It’s a win-win if you wait at least 20 to 40 minutes after meeting.
7. A woman’s propensity to toss her rules out the window is directly correlated with how much she likes you. The only man waiting 90 days for some sexing is one a woman ain’t all that interested in. Or she thinks you have a small penis. My guess is that day 91 first-time sex doesn’t feel better than day 10 sex either. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had day 91 first-time sex.
9. People only like frozen yogurt because its a thing. Because of reasons. Ice cream is definitely pissed off about this.
10. People are either staunchly using condoms or completely okay with tossing that sh*t to wind. There’s no middle ground.
11. Everybody has at least one person they can be completely honest with. Everybody else only gets the sh*t that either makes them look like a f*cking superhero or a victim.
12. It’s not that I hate talking on the phone, it’s just that texting makes it so much easier to ignore you.
13. When people approach me and tell me my real name, and I know that I’ve never met them before, I’m almost immediately ready to fight.
14. If you put a bunch of Purell in your hand, rub your hands together and then and wave them around after you fart, it will mask about 90 percent of the smell as long as you do it quick enough. This is vital in office spaces.
15. If you have a really good conversation with a woman, there’s a better than 75 percent chance that she will put her boobs on you just because. I think women like putting their boobs on things.
16. Despite its very clear resemblance to weed, smoking potpourri is not recommended. At all. Like for real.
17. Everybody is special and nobody is special at the same damn time. This is why dreams get deferred, which is still a terrible poem.
18. Jordans are always appropriate footwear. F*ck what you heard.
19. If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.
20. Profane and misogynistic language aside, pretty much everything pimps say is true.
21. Don’t go into business with anybody who has ever been on a vh1 reality show. And stay away from all Jamaican women named Tracy. I’m saying this for reasons. That’s all I’m saying.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HALF BREED HALF AMAZING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3