You Right, Boo: How to Get Kicked To The Curb On Your Own Terms

I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway.

Here at VSB, we aim to provide as much help as we can. And most, if not all of it, is intended to bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards men (or women). It is Christmas time after all. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling all Trans-Siberian orchestrated.

Canons to the…nevermind.

Ahem.

Despite all of the salvation, all help doesn’t have to be of the warm and fluffy variety. Sometimes you need help getting out of bad situations where nobody wins, except for the person who gets out of the situation (it makes sense if don’t think about it). But here’s the thing, NOBODY likes being the bad guy. Sometimes, for better or worse, you have to create an opportunity where one doesn’t exist.

Nothing sucks more than being stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in. So here are some ways to get out of one without having to be the bad guy/gal; created opportunities, if you will.

1. Say “I love you” too soon

Nothing pushes people away faster than being TOO far along in your feelings in a relatively short amount of time. So yes, this only works within the first few months of dating. But say you realize that you’re not really feeling the Becky you’re dating. Or say Jamal is just a little bit more needy than you like, but its clear that you’re both “into” one another but not attached enough to cry if you all “broke up”. Just say you love them during a deep convo and I’ll bet you see more backpedaling and “I’m busy” texts than Herman Cain being asked if there was a white woman he didn’t smang.

By the way, this ONLY works with rational people. Know your audience.

2. Move

Not move across the city; no, move states. Skip town. But let them know that you have to leave and that you can’t fathom the idea of a long distance relationship and you want them to be free because you care about them enough to not want to trap them into frustration. Wow, that’s actually a pretty good line. Use it. And then just use me up.

3. Become extremely needy and clingy (cousin to “I love you”)

We’re talking stage-5 clinger here too. Once again, this generally only works on emotionally stable people. Everybody loves space, even married people. If you can’t take being with your guy/gal anymore and need a quick out for which they do the kicking…literally become their shadow. Always want to be where they are or where they’re going. Don’t do anything too stalkerish or crazy because then you might end up on a website (hey Mike, welcome to VSB) or the local news. Do just enough to be needy, but not enough for them to really be able to talk to others about you in a way where people say you’re crazy. Do you know why? Because he/she probably has hot friends who might make for great rebounds.

4. Start doing whatever it is that they hate

They hate a certain cologne? Start wearing it and then refuse to change for them. They hate that you are a flirt? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I mean, keep flirting. Give them a reason to kick you to the curb. But once again, only do so much as to be a problem, don’t actually do anything wrong. Karma is a cold-hearted b*tch. The key here is consistency. You can’t let up. You’ve got to become annoying while maintaining your charm in case you meet somebody while you’re out annoying your significant other.

5. Talk about your future together, but keep contrasting it with their hopes

They don’t want children? So sad because you want at least four. The Walton’s were your model family and you’d like to keep tradition alive. They want to live in the suburbs? Not you kicko, it’s all 1 bedroom condos and alley-view love. They want to start a business and get rich? F*ck that, you’re about Occupy somebody’s street as soon as you get off work. Basically, your goal here is to make them realize there’s no plausible future with you. It works.

Now, since you know I’d walk a thousand miles so I could just see you, I’m curious as to what other ways might be plausible to help push along a breakup without being the bad guy? While it is indeed cuffing season right now, some people are out there making BAD decisions on who they mess with. Let’s do a service towards that goodwill towards mankind.

Help your friends out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GETGULLY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

a fish named karma

i experienced a bit of romance-related drama in the summer of 2006. i wont get too specific, but lets just say that technology can be a bitch. admittedly, i made some decisions that contributed to the situation, but nobody could argue that the actions that occurred in response to my decisions were justified. to make a scale analogy, what happened was akin to someones shoe getting stepped on, and that person responding by taking off the shoe and throwing it in the culprits face.

yet, despite my relative innocence...many would argue that I had it coming.

a decade ago, while the champ was still a college-aged “challenger”, i used technology to intentionally hurt and embarrass someone who i thought had disrespected me. it was mean, vindictive, short-sighted, and immature…easily the moment in my life i’m least proud of (just typing this sh*t made me cringe), and if you believe in romantic karma, a concrete precursor to what happened in 06.

romantic karma in itself is a bit of an enigma, especially when you combine the matrixesque “everything’s connected” mindset behind the concept of karma with the inherent subjectivity synonymous with romantic relationships. are we really eventual recipients of the energy we release? is that karma concept nothing but a self-fulfilling prophesy? is it all just a bunch of bullsh*t?

who knows.

i do know, though, that fully believing in romantic karma has a way of dismissing personal responsibility and accountability. i mean, the stuff that happened in 2006 had absolutely nothing to do with the stunt i pulled my sophomore year in college, and its lazy thinking to even suggest that. yeah, as i alluded to before, i helped to make my own bed, but the decisions that affected the situation were made in ’06, not ’98.

also, it seems as if many of us subscribe to this belief system to replace a missing moral compass. for instance, one of the themes repeatedly brought up in the comments here is the fact that the main reason why many people don’t do more relationship dirt is the fear that it’ll come back to bite them in the ass. forget about whether it’s right or wrong or the possibility of someone getting hurt in the process…a full subscription to the “karmic times” is all about us, or, more specifically, how it’s going to directly affect us.

moral ambivalence is part of being human though, and when you combine this with our desperate need to make things “fair”, believing in romantic karma has its place…for some.

just not me.

—the champ