Jockin' Jay-Z??

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By now, the whole world should have heard Jay-Z’s newest creation, the No I.D./Kanye West production, “D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)”.  Of course, Diddy is having a sh*tfit right now since his overly promoted album Last Train To Paris (due out in September) is all auto-tuned.  In fact, this dumas asked T-Pain’s “permission” to Auto-Tune his whole album, brought in the owner of the Big A** Chain, and gave him a point on his album for his assistance.

the duchess movie download Oh and why is Diddy having a sh*tfit?  Well, because as the makers of Cristal now know, once Jay-Z says something, the people follow.  After all, Jay does this for his culture.  And as a culture, we look to Jay for guidance.

Right?

Hmm.

As a song, “D.O.A.” is good but, it’s not great.  The “hook” would have been better if he’d just allowed the horns to blow instead of the kind of cliché “goodbye, goodbye…etc”.  Also, I almost find it interesting that Jay really isn’t saying too much of anything on the song about Auto-Tune until he gets to the end, which I suppose is the point.  By doing a whole song with no Auto-Tune on it, it’s not fit for the charts, radio, or iTunes since in current rap, T-Painin’ runs rampant.  He tells us that rappers need to stop singing, which is true.

Anyway, Jay declaring Auto-Tune dead got me to thinking about how much of a trendsetter Jay-Z really is.  I’m starting to think that Jay gets too much credit for some things and not enough credit in other areas, so I guess it all evens out.  For instance, in my opinion, Auto-Tune has kind of been on the way out.  Or at least it’s not as prominent as it was a few months ago.  For one, I rarey hear T-Pain on the radio right now.  Lil Wayne uses it pretty consistently, but even then it seems more artistic than crutch-y. and he’s still rapping.  Of course, Diddy was on his, “I’m gonna Auto-Tune a whole album” but really, does ANYBODY care about a new Puffy album?

Cassie doesn’t even care and she’s his oatmeal bowl.

Even Kanye is like, “i’m rapping on my next album.”  Auto-Tune might not be on the way “out” per se, but it’s not as prevalent as it was when it was harder to find somebody not using it than somebody using it.  So if Auto-Tune is indeed on the way out, it seems more like the natural progression of basically playing itself out.  Same with throwback jersey’s.  Now, I’m not going to diminsh what Jay did with one line.  He essentially killed Mitchell & Ness’s* livelihood.  But like Aut0-Tune, by then, throwbacks had become too cliché.  Folks were wearing throwback jersey dresses and throwback basketball jerseys of baseball teams and basically wearing stuff that made no sense whatsoever.  I feel like in those instances, Jay more or less put the final stamp on an already diminshing trend.

I mean I guess in that regard, Jay is responsible in ending a trend sooner than it might have ended on its own, but I feel like he isn’t totally “responsible”.

By the way, he TRIED to convince people that 30 was the new 20 but it really didn’t work.

Now, let’s take a look at trends Jay is “responsible” for:

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the black pass

sometime last week i decided to put all of my kanye-influenced music into one itunes playlist. from “this can’t be life” to the original version of “homecoming“, anything that had any type of connection to the arrogant one is now compiled in one neat little pocket, like a card case or a bottle of ky. while doing this, i came across the forgettably underrated “drive slow“, a track from late registration featuring paul wall, which immediately reminded me of a conversation i had with a friend a couple years ago. this friend, who’s usually a cross between undercover brother, “hooper x” from “chasing amy”, sonja sanchez, sister t, and tookie williams, surprisingly had no issue when finding out that mr. wall was married to a black woman.

“he gets a pass” he remarked, “any n*gga with a degree with a song on their album titled “Sip-n-Da Barr” can bone whoever the hell they want. he gets a black pass”

loosely defined as the possession of status that allows a particular white person to bone/date/marry a black person with general approval (on both sides) from the black community, the doleing out of the black pass is as synonymous to black culture as grape kool-aid, long-winded church names, and grade school playground acorn fights around the swings.

in true vsb.com fashion, we’ll identify and examine a couple members of this elite club.

bobby deniro

claim to fame:

like the champ, deniro is a living icon, one of the five greatest actors of all-time.

reasons for making the cut:

—black women love portrayals of bad boys on film, and no one has ever done this better or with more swagger than bobby d.

he’s been romantically linked with black women for basically his entire adult life (chris rock once joked that the only thing a white chick could do for robert deniro is tell him where the sistas is at)

—at least one of his movies (goodfellas, the godfather part 2, casino, a bronx tale, heat, or the adventures of rocky and bullwinkle) is on basically every black males top ten movie list

honorable mentions:

al pacino, james gandolfini, quentin tarentino, pat riley, steve nash, bill maher, jon b circa 1995, peter north, terrance howard

tina fey

claim to fame:

an award winning actress, writer, director, and producer, fey is the funniest woman in america, and has been for at least the past five years.

reasons for making the cut:

—fey combines a level of sharp-ass wit that all women of color appreciate with the exact right amount of non-threatening sex appeal that allows black men to openly and freely profess that she get it while in the presence of black women...who will actually nod in approval or co-sign (“yeah. if i had a w*ng i’d bag her too” ). an astoundingly ground-breaking feat!!!!

—three words: sarah palin impressions. each palin snl skit extends fey’s black pass another 15 years. at this point she could shank tristan wilds at the emmy’s and it still wouldnt affect her standing

honorable mentions:

teena marie. this is it. there have been no other white women in the history of white womendom to receive black passes other than teena marie and tina fey. sans pink for a day or two in the summer of 2001, no one else has ever come even close.

am i forgetting anyone?

—the champ

Vindication: The 4-Minute (S)Mile

If you’re a cat who’s girl has gotten on him about coming up short in the sack, fret no more. In fact, if you can give her at least 3 minutes of that good lovin’ then you’re giving her all she needs. According to CNN, the optimal amount of time for a sexual encounter-not including foreplay-lasts anywhere from 3 to 13 minutes.

Go on ahead and read the article. Quick now, I’ll wait.

*humming Keith Sweat’s “Make It Last Forever”*

Yes, you read that correctly.

Me love you long time like hell!

You know what that means right? If you’ve been doing-the-Draino for 15 minutes, well pimpin’, you’re definitely going out of your way. Hell, she should be making you steak sandwiches.

Speaking of steak, from here on out, every time I hit 14 minutes I’m going to start humming “Chariots of Fire” and then delve right into Kanye West’s “Champion”.

This also means that there are a lot of liars out their in the world. “Girl, I need a man who can go 8 hours…minimum!”

Virgin.

“I don’t even be gettin’ mines unless I stroke for like 2 hours…STRAIGHT.”

Yeah…okay, dude.

Which begs the question, if the optimal amount of time is so short, why in the hell do women have the audacity to be disappointed because dude only gave her 10 minutes of the long stroke? Technically, you should feel blessed that he decided to give you 7 more minutes than was required. In fact fellas, take further solace in the fact that you can pretty much put a smile on her face in 4 minutes and not really miss any of the game that just went into halftime. Shucks if you’re feeling froggy, you can give her the Colgate smile, take a shower, cook a meal, and STILL not really miss any action.

Now ladies I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way in hell you can get yours in 3-13 minutes. And to you I say…you’re a lie. Granted, 3 minutes would suck as a sexual encounter, however, I’ve known I’ve heard of women who’ve been able to get theirs well within that 13 minute period, sometimes more than once…leaving ME men, still trying to get my their jollies.

Bottom line here, dudes, don’t even worry about trying to show her that you can go all night. As long as you can do better than optimal (say 14 minutes of that good long strokin’), then she should shut the smurf up, have a Coke, then smile.

“don’t get mad ladies…I’m only being real…”

And for you anti-geniuses, optimal means most favorable.

The end.

-PANAMA