Tag Archives: jumpoff

All By My Se-eee-eelf: 5 Signs That You’re Dating Somebody Who Isn’t Dating You.

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lonelyHas anybody ever asked you for advice regarding their situation and then halfway through you realized, “holy doughnuts Batman, this chick is totally dating a dude who isn’t dating her.” I’ve seent that very scenario with my own two eyes and let me tell you, that realization is a motherf*cker.

Well since we here at VSB are into community development and the advancement of the species, we try to help out those individuals who find themselves in the most dastardly of circumstances. And there can’t be any circumstance more dastardly than this one. Well, perhaps that’s not true. Finding out that the man or woman you’re in a relationship with is married with 3 children and a labradoodle named Fefe might be worse.

On the real though, imagine that you think you’re in a relationship with somebody, doing all the things you surmise one would do in a relationship only to have somebody tell you that though they think its cute that you want to be with them and that you’re such a sweetheart, they’re really more interested in just having fun. That’s what folks might call a sign. But like most situations in life, there are always signs that indicate things might not be on the up and up like you might like. As a service to the good people, I’ve decided to lay out a few signs that are indicative of lopsided loving. Follow me.

1) You ALWAYS initiate all of the contact

If every time you text or call, they say to you, “I was just about to call you”, well, they’re lying. The law of averages teaches us this is wrong. If somebody’s actually interested in you, they’re going to beat you to the punch at least a few times. Especially with text messaging. At some point in every real relationship, you should be the recipient of the random 3am, “just thinking of you” texts or even the, “I know you’re at work as a pet masseuse but I figured you could use a pick me up so i wanted to say hello even if i couldn’t’ hear your voice. lol :) ” If you never get the LOL :) …you’re probably not dating.

2) You always buy them gifts but they never seem to get you anything

If you always find a way to remember your person when you go out of town with little trinkets like snow globes that say “Toronto” on them or the ubiquitous spoon (why the hell do folks always by location spoons) and on your significant days i.e. birthday, Christmas, you get a card and maybe a lotion set from Victoria Secret (if that), you just might more single than you think.

3) You never hang out with his friends

Say you only go to your friends events but never hang with his friends. Totally in the single status zone. Friends are the co-sign of your relationship. As in, meeting all the friends validates that you do exist in the realm of important people of his life. If you never hang with the friends, you never get the co-sign, which means all they probably know of you is that he’s banging you. Bang bang does not a relationship make.

4) He always finds an excuse to go home

We all know that time is the main factor needed for a relationship. You know somebody likes you when they find odd reasons to hang around you. If you always want just 5 more minutes of his time but her never wants to stay around you too long or often bounces after that good lovin’, you’re more jumpoff than you are girlfriend. Even if its just 8pm and he’s like, “it’s getting late”…yeah, no. He’s just not that into you. And oh yeah, you’re really single.

5) You suggest interesting dates and end up at TGIFridays and the movies, every time

Variety is the stuff of life. If you’re always up for something new and different but he really just loves the food at TGIFridays, well, you’re not in a relationship. If he really cared about your happiness, you’d be at Benihana. But you’re not. You just got a double cheeseburger since he was on the way over for like 30 minutes. So sad, sister.

I know there are more so good folks of VSB, help the people out.  What are the signs that you’re dating somebody who isn’t dating you?

It’s community service.  Help the people out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

The Jump-Off

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(This post was inspired by actual events of a homeboy of mine.  Some folks just never learn.)

It’s happened to everybody at least once. You meet somebody and you hit it off famously…but then you realize that all you really want from them…

…is to hit it off famously.

And thus begins the journey into jump-offism.

Now this is not an easy road to ho(e) as crafting a jump-off situation requires much in the way of nuance and finesse. You can’t just decide one day that you don’t really want any conversation from somebody, but you do appreciate the way they speak into the microphone so you let them keep talking.

You know, I have to wonder what happens the day when somebody – and this probably happens more to women than to men – realizes that they’re the jumpoff. That’s a real moment of clarity, eh? Like, say you’re sitting at home watching Charlotte’s Web or something and you look up and to the left and realize, “holy smurfnickels Batman, this dude is straight USING me as a washing machine – on spin cycle!!!” Seems like that might make somebody violent.

Somebody call Joe Francis, we need to see Jump-offs Gone Wild.

STAT.

Talk about good television.

Anyway, let’s delve into the 5 Jump-off Commandments, a step-by-step booklet for you to get to properly maintain your jump-off relationship.

1) No overnight stays

I don’t care if there’s an F5 tornado mixed with a hurricane and gale-force typhoon winds outside…

…if you can’t drive home, sleep in your car and pray that it isn’t your time to go.

Staying the night sends the wrong message. It says that you actually don’t mind waking up to them in the morning, when truth is, you don’t even want to see them after you finish going for the gold. Get thee gone.

2) Never let them come to your house

Fact is, if you let them come to your house they can find a reason to stay longer than you want them to. If you go to their house, you control the entire situation. Hell, after your done, you can get dressed and be out the door in 2.5 minutes. Sure they’ll be pissed that they don’t even deserve conversation, but really, what do you have in common anyway? If you cared that much, they wouldn’t be the jump-off, they’d be your friend. And friends don’t let friends become jump-offs.

3) No unnecessary conversations

Undoubtedly, the jump-off will expect you to at least talk to them about the days current events. I strongly discourage this. In fact, I think that you shouldn’t spend anymore than 30 minutes of time in their presence fully clothed…at their house (see #2). And especially don’t talk about Hotel Rwanda AFTER you’ve love shacked, because then you may get roped into a conversation that will make you stay longer than you want (see #1), which is what they want.

4) Piggybacking on the conversations, no unnecessary time

Now, let’s assume you want your jump-off to solely be on JO status. That means you can’t go running around all willy nilly playing Connect 4 or going to the mall while she buys shoes.

5) No gifts

To quote the great Joe Buddens, “My jump off never has me going out of my way
And she don’t want nothing on Valentines Day…” In respect to Bernie Mac…’nuff said.

******

Take heed and make sure that you’re according your jump-off game all the respect it deserves.

And if you’re a woman and all the things I’ve mentioned have happened to you (or are happening currently)…quit answering the damn phone when you KNOW all he wants is to see you in your skivvies. Unless that’s all you want too, in which case…

…keep the party going.

What are some other surefire rules to jumpoffism?  You know, some thou shall not do XXX type ish.

Tell the truth.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

P.S. No jump-offs were harmed during the writing of this post.

Bamboo Earrings, At Least Two Pair

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Now last Friday, The Champ and I decided to open the floodgates and ask people what their dealbreakers were. Well I’ll be damned if nearly every possible dealbreaker wasn’t covered. Apparently, people know exactly what they don’t want in life.

That got us thinking though, what are the things we do want in a mate (or one night jumpoff that we mistakenly thought could be a mate)? Realize that we here at Very Smart Brothas, Inc. believe in not only highlighting the negatives, we also want you to share smiles and spread joy like Vanessa Del Rio.

You might not realize it, but that’s both a pun AND a double entendre.

See? Very. Smart. Brotha.

So without further adieu…

Panama’s Short (and soon to be expanded) List of Thangs He Like:

1) Nice hips – I don’t know what it is about a woman with finely shaped hips but ooooh I just wanna lay in her hair.

2) Smilers – I love me a woman with a pleasant disposition who keeps smiling. In any event, it’s better than evil smurfs who always rock a scowl. If my only two choices in life are a woman with a scowl and a hyena? Well, I’m going for Whoopi Goldberg everytime…at least she smiles.

3) Goofballs - Nothing is funner than a chick with a goofy side. Granted, it’s often amazing when you find out that your girl is a total doof, but there’s a certain cuteness and innocence in goofy chicks that’s way better than chicks who’ve spent years on Riker’s Island.

Okay, that’s a lie.

4) Chicks that can sing – And I don’t mean women that DO sing…as in, they open their mouths and unleash the fury. I mean women who can actually hold simultaneous notes that sound like they were supposed to be created. Simply stated, women who can’t sing but try to sing and suck are the devil and should be thrashed wtih some Nike shoelaces.

5) Teeth – Well, duh. Though I’ve heard that a toothless woman can, ya know, whistle good.

THE CHAMP’S (short) LIST:

glasses: maybe I’m completely nuts. maybe my peculiar fetish is concrete proof of me being completely and utterly narcissistic. maybe the young champ shouldn’t have put his glasses on to get a better view of the screen when first “discovering” emmanuale in space on cinemax (who knew aliens were so damn friendly?) who knows? all I know is that in all honestly, rocking the right pair of lenses can give a woman as much as a TWO point jump in my mental rating scale. Yes. TWO. TWO freakin points!!! Do you realize how much of a difference two points makes???

we’ve all heard of beer goggles, but I think I might actually have the first documented case of glasses goggles

the ability to make me laugh as well as the ability to laugh at herself:

super serious chicks need not apply.

and, i don’t know if this belongs in a list such as this, but i’d be remiss if i didnt find a way to mention how excited the “little” champ gets when he sees…

…a woman quietly laughing to themselves while reading a book:

*i won’t expound further because it’ll make me too aroused excited, but i will say that between this and the glasses fetish it’s safe to assume that i’m somewhat of a nerd. i’ve actually made peace with this fact, and i’ve decided to move on.*

***btw, ladies…i hope you all noticed that, despite our somewhat short lists, we both placed a premium on stuff deriving from happiness (“laughing”, “smiling”, and “goofiness”). take that information and make whatever conclusion you want***

***************

What are the things that draw you in every time???? Won’t you be…won’t you be…won’t you be our neighbor?