Tag Archives: jiggle

thanks and sh*t. seriously

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my dad’s pancakes.

the nba league pass.

“the broke diaries”

my exquisite beard

a nice supply of starch, along with a reliable iron and ironing board

cocktail sauce

soap

the closer i get to my favorite holiday, the more i reflect on everything that makes my life more enjoyable. when your head is glued to a computer monitor 8 hours a day nose is stuck to the grindstone, its easy to lose sight of the positive aspects of our lives, and i’m not so holier than thou that i can’t admit that sometimes, it does take the presence of an event like thanksgiving to help me remember that.

with this, as well as the seemingly constant acrimony between the sexes in mind, i’ve decided to devote today to naming a couple things i’ve always appreciated about women.

the bipolaresqueness

although i’ve said this many times before, its worth repeating. as much as i talk sh*t and incessantly rail about women’s seemingly inherent manic-depressiveness…i wouldnt want ya’ll any other way. i realize that, generally speaking, women are typically more emotional beings than we are. you can argue whether or not the cause of this is nature or nurture, biology or socialization, but you can’t argue this truth.

thing is, that same reservoir of emotion and feeling is part of what enables women to put up with our admittedly maddening bullsh*t, a dichotomy that allows them to be come off as hardwired assh*les (heh) while still loving us with all of their conniving, manipulative hearts

the giggle

theres nothing more synonymously feminine than the giggle, and nothing more endearing than a woman who isn’t afraid to. from a bi-product of playful bedroom teasing to the recognition of a blush worthy comment, the giggle has myriad uses…each of them as alluring and adorable as the next.

***honestly, the jiggle and the giggle subtests hold equal resonance on the wife exam. seriously. for those women intensely cramming for the next scheduled round of tests, here’s a virtual cheatsheet from the champ. if you manage to giggle while walking and jiggling your hips, you’re guaranteed at least a b minus***

the initial demure“ooh” sound

a sign of better things to come (lazy pun intended), there might not be a better sound on earth than the one women make when you first, ummm, “pass the guarded gate“. for some its accompanied by a deep exhale and extended closing of the eyes. for others its anything ranging from a wince of painfully pleasurable ambivalence to a slightly whispered “damn“, but regardless of whatever else comes with it, that first demure “ooh” when you first enter her body, that first non-ambiguous recognition of another person inside of her, makes all the trials and tribulations you willingly partake in to get to that point worth it

i could continue, but i’m trying to keep this entry under 20,000 words, lol.

so, people of vsb.com…what exactly about the opposite sex are YOU grateful for?

—the champ


raised right

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For many of us, the concept of chivalry died years ago, neglected so long that it ended up gaunt, emaciated, and barely recognizable, starving to death outside of a KFC because no one could spare him the big piece of chicken.

Well, the champ is here to say that we’re wrong. Chivalry isn’t dead or even dying…just in need of a bit of a makeover. An update. A reboot. A few minor tweaks and adjustments to help it combat the depraved mindsets attempting to eradicate it.

Without further ado, here’s a partial version of the champs simple guide to 21st century chivalry…what it entails and encompasses and how to make sure it always gets that elusive big piece.

1. If a woman is within 15-20 feet and approaching a door at the same time a man is, the man must always attempt to open it and let her walk through first, even if he’s coming from an awkward angle. If the women is within 20-40 feet and walking at a pace which insures that she’ll be at the same door he’s about to enter within 7-10 seconds, he can walk through the door first, but he must hold the door for her.

This is pretty non-negotiable. Plus, as an added bonus, there’s no better way of getting a really, really good clear booty peek…women always seem to switch and jiggle the hips a little extra whenever a door’s being held open for them. I think it’s some form of a primitive mating mechanism actually, with an evolutionary correlation between held doors, jiggled hips, and ovaries, but I really have no idea.

***Also, even though the man isn’t holding the door just so the woman can say “thanks” , the man does reserve the right to mutter “bitch” “witch” under his breath if the act isn’t acknowledged at all.***

2. A man can never use too many “pleases”….except in the bedroom, where it should be given the condiment treatment: only used with light sprinkles

The bedroom in itself is a paradox where the common rules of chivalry don’t exist. For instance, saying “please” during a sexual act is a bit tricky because “please” accompanies a request. Depending on his disposition, body language, and penis size, “please” could be interpreted as “a playful request lightening the mood”, “a considerate lover”, or “an annoyingly desperate dude who should just stfu and be happy that his cornball ass is getting some .

There’s basically no in-between, no gray area with this, exactly why he needs to be absolutely sure about the nature of their sexual relationship before he continues with the “pleases”. Usually in these situations, a slight nudge or forceful grab of the neck eye contact is all that’s needed to get his point across, whatever it happens to be.

3. Men should always pay for the first three dates

It doesn’t matter if the guy’s a grad student working at Starbucks dating a newly hired cpa making 80k a year, if they’re dating, the man should always cover at least the first three dates. This is a universal rule that actually benefits both parties. If she’s really into him, she won’t mind the fact that the first couple of dates have been at Borders, the cheese dog stand at the arts festival, and the sample soup counter at giant eagle. If she’s feeling him, but does mind the limited spending dates, then thats all the proof he needs that she’s an evil, money grubbing hobbyhorse not the chick for him. Its that simple. If things are going well, by number four she should offer to pay or at least provide the setting and the man should accept her offer.

lastly…

4. Don’t bullsh-t the chivalry Gods.

men, don’t break your neck to open doors for every Esther Baxter or Zoe Saldana you see but refuse to give up your seat for the slightly homely chick with the eclectic teeth on the train carrying 90 textbooks

on the same token, women should always acknowledge a chivarious act. It could be a smile or a “thank you” or a slight head nod or head an “accidental” cleavage peak…anything as long as it lets the guy know that his efforts haven’t been in vain. If you see a guy doing the doorstop thing for you, the very least you can do is make an effort to sped up your walk so it doesn’t seem like he’s standing there waiting for the seasons to change in the time it takes your inconsiderate ass to get to the door.

there you go, young grasshoppers. go on now and make the champ proud

—the champ