“wait…men cant stop their pee???”

a female friend asked the college-aged champ this question, a response to a bewildered champ trying to confirm what he recently, ummm, found out: that all women can easily stop their flow midstream

to answer: no.

wait, that’s a lie. technically we can, but it’s very, very awkward for us to do, and should only be attempted in extreme “damn, here comes the mother-in-law. I sure picked a horrible time to “water” her flowers” types of situations.

as I remembered this, I thought of a few other tidbits about us that most women are probably completely unaware of, and i thought it would be rather altruistic of me to share eight more.

on the surface it may seem as if I’m doing a disservice to my brethren by revealing these, but knowing more about us means happier women. “happy woman” usually means “happy man”, and “happy men” means “less crime”. enjoy and sh*t.

1. if we’re serious about you, our anxiety about meeting your mom has nothing to do with “will i get along with her” and everything to do with “so that’s what she’s probably gonna look like in 25 years”.

2. we already know whether or not you came. we just ask because its makes us all warm and fuzzy inside when you say it.

3. we think its funny that its cool for you all to desire and date older and more established men despite the fact that you think its lame if men your age state a preference for dating much younger and less established women. btw, by “funny” we mean “more proof that you’re nucking futs”.

4. no, those weren’t tears in our eyes at the end of “the notebook”. we just have, ummm, allergies and sh*t sometimes. we also caught allergies at the end of “akeelah and the bee”, and while watching the roots “you got me” video, and this is all purely coincidental

5. us being “excited” when you’re wearing sexy lingere has less to do with how you look in it than the fact that we know we’re about to get some.  we appreciate the effort though.

6. your relationship history matters to us. to expound, if we find out that you have a tendency to be attracted to and date lame assh*les, then we’ll slowly start to consider you to be a lame assh*le as well. my advice? lie

7. we usually wont let you see us flaccid unless we’re convinced that you’re sprung. interpret this whichever way you see fit

8. lastly, if you swallow all we really want do to is make you happy…but we need your help to do so. i mean, think about it: with all the admittedly horomonally chaotic sh*t you all have going on in there, do you even really want us to be able to read your minds?

fellas, did i miss anything?

—the champ