Tag Archives: jay-z

Are You Watching The Throne? Probably Not For Long

Posted on by
279

We used to care...now we're just rich and bored so we made a rich and bored album.

This past Monday, Jay-Z and Kanye West’s joint venture, Watch The Throne, hit iTunes, much to the chagrin of independent outlets and retailers everywhere. I can’t really say that I was anticipating it since I hated the song, “H.A.M.” since it, well, sucked and “Otis” sounds like a song that’s supposed to be dope but the beat blows. I will say that nobody does “swag rap” better than Jay or Kayne. Well except Biggie. And Big Daddy kane.

But last I checked they were both dead.

Let’s just put this out front. Jay is my favorite rapper of all time. Kanye, right now, is probably right behind him as my favorite rapper of the right now. I feel like Kanye is way more important to pop-culture than Jay is and ultimately more relevant but that’s neither here nor there. I’m also a huge fan of Kanye’s artisticness. You can’t convince me that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (MBDTF) isn’t one of the best albums to come out in the past ten years. Point is, I’m a big fan of both of these to. So I don’t say this lightly…but…

…Watch The Throne kind of isn’t dope.

It’s not to say that it’s not a solid album. It is. It’s just that there’s very little on this album that I’ll ever really want to listen to again. In fact, the ONLY songs I’ve listened to on repeat are “Nigg*s In Paris” and “Gotta Have It” which might bet the least Neptune’s sounding Neptune’s beat in a long long while. Everything else can go. I wish somebody would make those songs into birds so that they could fly, fly far far away. Like “Made In America” featuring everybody’s favorite singer du jour Frank Ocean. My god is this song gay. You know, I honestly didn’t think that Jay could make worse songs than that terrible song with Usher and Beyonce from Kingdom Come but apparently he wanted to assure us that he could. It just sounds so…so…gay. I’m fairly sure they’re going to have to release “Lift Off” featuring Beyonce as a single for that very reason and it is also on some ducksauce.

You know what…forget the track by track sh*t. Here’s the problem with this album. Actually there are two. 1) This isn’t a Jay and Kanye album…it’s a Kanye album featuring Jay. It’s too musical to be a Jay album. Period. It’s got the Kanye imprint all over it. Kanye is an artist at this point, hate him or love him. Jay on the other hand is and will always be a rapper. No matter how emo a beat he tries to rap over or how “different” sounding the beat, ultimately he’s a rapper. And that comes thru as Jay seems, in my opinion, to be more or less of an afterthought a lot of times. It’s not that he’s not delivering Jay verses (lazy as they may be), its just that he’s too cool to be on some music sh*t. Kanye sounds like he cares WAY more than Jay does to be rapping on this album. Which leads to the second problem… 2) I kind of feel like Kanye didn’t care that much or was bored but finished it anyway.

For all of his faults, one thing you’d never fault Kanye for is not having a dope ear for cohesion and putting together an outstanding product. He always seems to want to make a classic album even though 808s and Heartbreaks was far from that. But at least he swung for the fences by changing up his whole sound and innovating. This album really to me sounds like a lazy version of both Blueprint 3 and uber leftover beats from MBDTF that weren’t good enough to make that album in any way shape or form.

[Sidenote: There is something to be said though that the only comparison's that hold water with these two are their own bodies of work. That can't be stated enough.]

I mean, it doesn’t even sound as good sonically as MBDTF…an album that came out almost a year ago. That album sounded beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. You’d think that if anything, sonically it would be on the same level but it’s not. Which is the rub, its not that the album isn’t decent. It is. It’s just that nobody’s going to be talking about this album once they run out of songs to release.

You know what, here’s how I can sum up this album…Rick Ross wouldn’t rap on any of this sh*t except maybe ONLY “N*ggas In Paris”. I can hear Rick Ross murdering that beat. I honestly feel at this point Rick Ross knows how to pick music and sounds that compliment exactly what he’s trying to do. He knows how to make epic sh*t. If Rick Ross is getting on your sh*t, it’s because it’s a motherf*cking monster. Pun intended. He would have gotten on ANYTHING on MBDTF. I feel like he probably was cool on everything on this album.

In fact, my favorite parts of the album are the beat change-ups similar to MBDTF which feature, surprisingly very little rapping and I’m not upset about it.

Not to mention this being the least relatable album I’ve ever listened to or the fact that Jay and ‘Ye both sound a little…off….trying to rap about social issues, an area Jay has proven to struggle in the past, though I like “New Day”, but again, Kanye’s verse seems more…better. Real talk, I’d be lying if I recited any of these lyrics as my personal mantra. I can’t even fake 90 percent of this sh*t.

I know a lot of people love it, and that’s good. Hell, I paid for it already and want a physical copy. I’m a fan but I probably won’t be listening this too much longer and I think that goes for most people. For two individuals who seem to care about their legacy, I’m just surprised that they’d release an album that neither adds nor detracts from it. This joint just exists until we forget about it. It’s like a David Guetta song. Or Lady Gaga music. Or LMFAO. It’s pop music with hard drums. And soft songs. Because it’s Jay and ‘Ye I want to love this, but I’m over it already.

D’oh well. On to the next one.

Oh, and one more question…how the f*ck does Swizz Beatz go so much production work and so many random features? Who does he have naked pictures of? Inquiring minds would like to know.

What’s your take? Are you watching the throne?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka PANYE EAST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

8 Things That Would Happen If Beyonce Really Was Pregnant

Posted on by
392

He's laughing now. Just wait 'til my hormones kick in. I'm a b*tch in the afternoon.

Have you any idea how close I came to typing “preggers” in the title? I’ve never actaully said that word outloud but I hear the boobs use it all the time. Then I said it out loud and never felt more emasculated in my entire life. It’s like saying something is fierce or delicious.

Anyway, we’ve all heard the rumor that Beyonce is once again pregnant. Mama Knowles came out and squashed that rumor but apparently forgot to tell Solange that her big sister wasn’t packing a Carter. Either way, we won’t know…until we know, ya know. It’s quite possible that Jay-Z and Beyonce are indeed expecting offspring. If they were, this might be one of the most famous munchkins to hit the third rock from the sun in quite some time.

Then I got to thinking. That’s what I do. I think. You thought I was just sexxy? See, you thought wrong. Not me? Oooh I think they like me. Boom.

What IF they were indeed pregnant? Hmm….this might actually have a real impact on the world. What kind of impact? Glad you asked. Here are 8 things that would happen if it turns out that Beyonce and Jay are actually having a human.

1. Barack Obama will declare the child’s birthday National Jayonce Day. I mean he’s already illegally invited them into places in the White House that they weren’t supposed to go. AND they brought Trey Songz. Yeah, that Trey Songz. Think about this people, Mr. Make The Neighbors Know My Name has held audience with Barack Obama. Plus, Obama has Jay on his iPod and has admitted to using him to get hype. Basically, Obama is a stan. He’d totally jock their kid. He might even try to knock Michelle up again just so they could have play dates together.

2. Kanye West would try to convince Taylor Swift that they should have a child together. Think about it, Beyonce and Jay’s kid will instantly become like the most famous baby (and richest) in a while. We all know that Kanye has a huge ego. No way is he going to let Jay upstage him on the family front too! Can you imagine the media firestorm that would follow if Kanye knocked up Taylor? That would totally knock Jay and Beyonce off the front page.

3. The economy would right itself. I’m not sure why, but this seems like a very real possibility. This kid could single handedly save the world. On some Jack Bauer sh*t.

4. Willow Smith would totally have to step her sh*t up. She’s the new “it” kid right now and seems like she could have a very bright future counting them BIG FACE HUUUUUNNNNIDS. But what happens if little Brooklyn Carter comes out doing a better singing/rapping impression than Drake? At age 2!?!!!!  Yeah, Willow. Boyz II Men were from Philly like your daddy. End of the road.

5. Pr0n start Brooklyn Carter would get broke off. You know how in the NBA, NFL, and prison dudes pay for their numbers if somebody else has it? Jay has an entire lyric dedicated to naming his daughter Brooklyn Carter. He’s kind of stuck with it now right? And nobody wants to google themselves 20 years from now only to find out that the first five pages are full of pr0n clips. I’ll bet Jay pays her to change her name to like Bronx Carter or some other place that really sucks. Like Gary Indiana Carter or Rochester.

6. Jay and Beyonce would make a kids album. Some might think this could be a good idea. I actually think this might be the worst idea since the “Jump to Conclusions” mat in Office Space. I love Beyonce’s voice and all but I don’t know that “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” has much room for never-ending runs. Hell, we think Jay quotes Biggie too much. How are we gonna feel when he starts jacking Dr. Seuss WHOLESALE.

7. Jay-Z making Baby Bjorn’s popular items to be worn, even if you don’t have a child. F*ck what you heard, I can totally see Jay rocking one of them joints with some mandals and a charm bracelet. Just like when 50 made bullet proof vests all the rage, Jay could make the Baby Bjorn the cool item on the block. Baby Bjorns will become the new murses. Mark my words.

8. Nas will FINALLY respond to that “leaving c*nd*ms” on your baby seat remark with an inappropriate comment of his own. It will be shortlived though as Jay will once again remind him that no matter how many albums he does with Damien Marley, he still made Nastradamus and had the worst verse on “Oochie Wally”. Oh…and, the state of New York is f*cking him more than Kelis ever did.

Roffle.

It’s Friday. Put your thinking caps on. Surely the world will implode if they have a kid on the way. But let’s pretend it might not. What else would happen if Beyonce really is pregnant??!?!

Share.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

why every (yup, EVERY) man has a mistress

Posted on by
227
i think we probably should get back to work soon. my wife is meeting me for lunch

i’ve always been annoyed to the point of anger by mya and jay-z’s “best of me” (possibly the most forgettable uber-popular rap male/r&b female “no, really: are they f*cking or not?” collabo song in an era –1998 to 2002– defined by uber-popular yet ultimately forgettable rap male/r&b female “no, really: are they f*cking or not?” collaborations) for two completely unrelated reasons:

1. the original jadakiss version of this song is much, much, much, much better. seriously, the jadakiss version is the waffle house to the jay-z remix’s wendy’s breakfast, and it saddens me and the ghost of lil kim’s fourth face to know that there are people who don’t even know this track exists

2. jay-z’s “have an affair/act like an adult for once“? line in his second verse

you see, i’ve always taken umbrage to jiggas suggestion that my insistence on fidelity is basically just a product of immaturity. who was he to tell me that every grown man had a mistress, and that my unscrupulous friends and teammates were more mature than my self-righteous ass?

sometimes i’d even scream “i’m grown too, maricon¹ muthaf*cker” at the tv whenever this wretched video came on, before getting too distracted by mya’s myaness to even continue to care.

it wasn’t until sometime earlier this year that the realization hit me like a bag of dicks²:

every man does in fact have a mistress…including me

sometimes its an ex-girlfriend we’ve kept in contact with because we know she’s always only one word from go. sometimes its a co-worker we share so many inside jokes and lunch runs with that we almost don’t mind it when the chili’s waitress assumes we’re not splitting the check. sometimes its the cute barista at our favorite starbucks you always exchange “i’m probably a bit happier to see you than i should be” smiles with. and sometimes, well. sometimes that mistress might just be our mom

you see, regards of status or station, every man has at least one source of validation in his life outside of his significant other that reminds him of how attractive, funny, and unique he is; a perpetual legitimizer we (usually) have no real interest in sleeping with that thinks we’re the shit, laughs at each of our corny jokes, and doesn’t remind us that we’ve told them that story three times already.

in theory, we should get this validation from our real relationships. and, in theory, we actually do. girlfriends and wives are the shit (mostly).

but, although knowing that your significant other still finds you (somewhat) attractive is all that counts, its not all that matters. the need to know that we’re still interesting and desirable to others dissipates but never disappears. and, what separates us from women is the fact that while (most) women can’t walk a block and a half without someone letting them know they’re still desirable in someway, (most) men don’t have this same luxury.

this is where the mistress steps in, providing a breezy recess session for our psyches; an admittedly superficial reminder of who we think we are when we look in the mirror after our morning push-ups puff our chests.

in fact, in a couple of weeks, my dearest mistress and i will celebrate our two year anniversary. although we never have or ever will sleep together, we’ve grown closer and closer with each passing day. and, just like every other mans own personal mistress, she completes me in a way no mere girlfriend or wife ever could. i always know that when i’m weighted down with a typical days mind-numbling minutae, i can simply log on to vsb and see, well, somebody out there still thinks i’m cool, smart, and funny.

moral of the story? jigga was right: we’re all hypocrites…but our mistresses don’t care.

¹i was really into carlito’s way at the time. i’d even say that line with a puerto rican accent, even though my friends told me it actually sounded more irish than anything
²i figure this would be more emotionally and spiritually painful than a “bag of bricks“

—the champ

I Think You Just Went Too Far.

Posted on by
152

My current favorite commercials are by Bud Light where they attempt to display just how perfect Bud Light through the extremes of various daily activities. The one with the driving dog is hands down my favorite but only because I swear I saw Tupac driving down Central Avenue in Maryland one day.

Makes no sense, does it? Aw shuga no no no.

Well those commercials got me to thinking about other areas of life where people just might take things too far. Relationships, for instance. In every relationship, there are tests. The tests vary; some are for endurance, others are for sanity and peace of mind, which comes with every piece of the rock.

Prudential.

While these tests exist and will exist as long as man dangles, and patience is a virtue, everybody has a breaking point. I mean we all get pissed for things. But there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. And in the spirit of my good friends at Bud Light and their comical depiction of the medium, allow me to bump that up two sizes to XL. Basically, let’s look at some situations that might piss you off but you’ll learn to deal with and then the point where they’ve crossed the line. This is educational, kiddies. Pull out the trusty #2, take notes, and shut the f*ck up while Professor Panama is speaking. Did Panama just go too f*cking far?

Possibly. But f*ck your couch. He’s sexxy. This is what he does.

FOLLOW ME.

1) Sex Tape

Not Happy – After 3 months of dating and boinking, you find out that you’ve been taped on nearly every romp in the sack, including the time you sang the theme song from Pirates of Penzance off key while wearing a checkered table cloth and some tassles.

Crossed The Line – You find out that you’ve been taped by Googling yourself and finding your videos on youtube and you’re not even one of the most viewed videos.

2) A Little Physical Violence

Not Happy – Amidst an argument, you get slapped upside the back of your head, with people watching. You might be pissed as all hell, but you ain’t exactly gonna break up with them because of a little head slap.

Crossed The Line – Amidst an argument, you get hit with THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW. That’s grounds for dismissal and an all out air assault on their assesses.

3) Tattoo

Not Happy – You wake up in the morning to find out that your girl has placed a 4-day temporary tattoo of her name across your forehead and she thinks its a hilarious joke. Not that I’d suggest this for real, but you should kick her down the stairs.

Crossed The Line – You wake up to realize that you have your bf/gf’s name tatted across your abdomen in Sanskrit because they took you out and got you drunk enough that you thought it wasn’t a bad idea because, you know, you’re in love and sh*t.

4) Nudity

Not Happy – Your girl walks around nude all the time despite your please to put those puppies away because if they start hanging any lower, you’ll have to enter them into a Ludacris “How Low Can You Go”  contest with the Twerk Team. (NSFW…you’re welcome).

Crossed The Line – Your girl walks around nude WHEN YOUR BOYS ARE THERE. You have to drop her dunny. I mean really, you can’t just play that sh*t off like, “yo, ignore her, B. She’s just looking for attention.” Mission accomplished. You can’t even be mad at your boys either. I’ve seen dudes stare at nude crackheads. There’s something about Mary nudity.

5) Little white lies

Not Happy – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to the opera. Talk about a blower. And not a good one either. Not that I don’t have an appreciation for opera…oh wait, Panama TOTALLY doesn’t give a sh*t about opera.

Crossed The Line – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to Maury Povich to tell you that you might not be the father of your child. Somebody might have to die. Seriously, can you imagine that shock? How pissed would you be if you ended up on THAT show? Or Jerry Springer?

So good people of VSB, what crosses the line for you?

And remember, it’s Friday, let’s have fun. Be sexxy like Panama.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

ole’ faithful: the people, places, and things that never disappoint us

Posted on by
376

PACERS CLIPPERS

between the economy, the cleveland cavaliers, and the blueprint 3¹, 2009 has largely been an anti-climatic year full of disappointments and epic fails.

despite this, there remains a number of things we can always rely on to come through in the clutch, a bevy of perpetually dependable people, places, and things that never, ever disappoint, and that always perform exactly how we expect them to.

here’s six

ron artest breaking news

between its hair, its haymakers, and its halftime hennessy, “ron artest breaking news” is the literal embodiment of the gift that keeps on giving. i’ve never been disappointed or unentertained after clicking on a headline with its name in it, and “ron artest breaking news” seems intent on keeping it that way forever

the support of sistas

seriously, if you’re a black man with even an inkling of, sh*t, anything, the list of things you can do to make sistas stop supporting you is shorter than kiefer sutherland.

soup with crackers

go ahead and laugh, but name another food more reliable than a bowl of soup with crackers. in my travels i’ve tasted f*cked up versions of pretty much every previously assumed unf*ckupable foods imaginable. i even once had someone bake me some sugar cookies that somehow ended up tasting like smoked salmon. soup with crackers, on the other hand, always comes through, always makes you smile, and, strangely, always makes you think about professional wrestling²

hoes

regardless of where, when, why, how, who, and what, you can always count on hoes to find unique ways to partake in some form of productive hotivity. you may call them many things (“hobby-horse” is my favorite), but “a disappointment” is never one of them³

the barbershop

*just a few of the things i received during last thursday’s weekly visit to east liberty kutz*

a fresh shape-up. a conversation with a crackhead about paul pierce. a slice from ventos pizzeria. two business cards, including one from a female barber i strongly suspect to be a lesbian pimp. stock tips. a convincing theory about the real reason bill cowher left the steelers in 2006 (apparently he got a sista knocked up. she got an abortion, but his wife still told him “we’re leaving pittsburgh or i’m leaving you”). a flyer for a party at a bar that burned down two days later. change for a 20.

the three-five minute early morning quickie

f*ck folgers, this has been and will always be the best part of waking up

anyway, we always have a ton to say about what’s making us itch or grinding our gears, but i’m curious: what else can we name that never, ever disappoints?

¹to be honest, once you realize that the blueprint 3 is just jay-z doing his best impression of a kanye album, its actually not that bad
²maybe this is just me
³unless, of course, she’s your daughter

—the champ