The Inventions and Innovations of Women

Some of y'all are writing this note RIGHT NOW.

When Plato said that “necessity is the mother of invention” he inadvertently had three major groups in mind: Black people, hoodrats, and women. While it is possible for one person to be a part of each of those groups simultaneously, I’d like to specifically speak to the last group, thee of the boob.

Hate it or love it, women are the most interesting creatures on the planet. A woman’s ability to run both hot and cold at the exact same time is truly a thing upon which to marvel. Only a woman can do something completely insane and somehow manage to make it another person’s fault for her being in that predicament. So what she murdered that stripper; YOU shouldn’t have been sleeping with her. To woman, the crime is merely a role player in the drama that is her rationality. What she needs from you is understanding. It’s as simple as 1,2,3. Understanding is what she needs.

And that’s not just understanding from men, by the way. That’s from everybody.

Please direct all hate mail to deeznuts@saultnuts.com

All jokes aside, in my travels throughout Womania, I’ve noticed that there are certain inventions that either had to be created by women or concepts that are solely woman-centric. More than likely because men just wouldn’t ever think of them. Woman. Brilliance. Same sh*t.

Here are a few examples of inventions or innovations that are 100 percent woman-centric:

1. Ex-bestfriends

Women actually have these. Men, we have dudes we ain’t as cool with as we used to be. Or dudes we just don’t f*ck with at all. But there’s no title. No declaration. Women on the other hand? EVERY WOMAN HAS AN EX-BEST FRIEND. In fact, I’m fairly certain in Woman School, there’s an entire class dedicated to that day that every woman becomes full bird and has to kick a friend to the curb and denote her as an actual ex-bestfriend. And that’s her actual title in conversations. “My ex-bestfriend, Quilta, and I used make beef patties with processed crab meats. Bawse.” In fact, I’d bet good money that when you meet a woman if you want to know what kind of person she is, all you have to do is say, “so tell me about your ex-bestfriend, I know you have one.” After she gets pissy at you for making assumptions, she’ll likely talk to you for a solid 20 minutes about this friend that is no longer. Because at the end of the day…that “b*tch” was trippin.

2. The Mute function on Twitter

Passive aggression, thy name is women. I remember the first time I saw the mute button on Twitter. I had no idea what it mean or what it was for until I asked a homegirl of mine who explained it to me. So wait, you don’t want to hear about your homegirls good times or she’s trippin so f*ck her, but you also don’t want to unfollow her because then she’ll know if she ever brings up your profile, so you just mute her timeline until you’re ready to actively be apart of her life again? Unfollow is bad luck. Smart folks mute back. Must have been a woman that started all that.

3. The inconvenience phone call

People say that  you should beware of a scorned woman. Poppycock. You know that some bad sh*t is going down if you scorn a woman. You can’t beware something that you can’t stop in the first place. You can only hope she has something to lose so she stops short of a felony. However, let your woman RANDOMLY feel inconvenienced by ANYTHING and dude, you’re getting a phone call. She feels inconvenienced so she has to inconvenience somebody else. Or LET him know how much she’s being inconvenienced by either his lack of presence or lack of compassion to know she’s being inconvenienced and not call and console and apologize for something that isn’t his fault. Basically, women are the worst sports on the planet. I remember one day I was listening to Hot 99.5′s Kane Show in the morning. The morning host, Kane’s wife called up the station pissed. She was at home with their two kids who were screaming in the background. So what did she do? Call him to let him know that she was having a bad day because he needed to know. Almost in a sort of, you’re out having fun and here I am doing the hard work. You know how if there’s a way that race can be a reason something happend, its a likely culprit? Well, I think for women, inconvenience is their beef 99 percent of the time. Hmm…which leads to another type of invention…

4. The f*ck-up-your-fun call

Every man is familiar with the rampant “you don’t care about me” phone calls during that one night a month he goes out with his boys. It’s like the second you go do something you had to seek permission for, the texts start. “When are you coming home?” Or the phone calls start. “You didn’t put the dishes up”. Which leads to man’s most important invention of all time…the Loud-Arse-Universal-Hush-and-Fun-Diversion-Tactic-That-Works-25%-Of-The-Time. Or LAUHFDTTW25OTT for short. A man see’s that his girl keeps calling he knows he has to answer so he hushes his boys (and strippers) the f*ck up so it doesn’t sound like’s having fun. Which never actually works because well, women aren’t stupid. And plus, fun or no fun, when she makes that call, its going down. Joc.

Good people of VSB, those are just a couple of women’s inventions. What are other fine innovations and inventions that women have created? Make Plato proud. And to be fair, ladies, what are completely male-centric inventions and innovations?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MAKE IT RAIN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Check out Panama’s recap of Braxton Family Values episode 3 and latest blog post about women’s obsession with engagement rings and trapping men over on Guyspeak. Peep game shawty.

For the DC VSBers: Come out to the latest edition of REMINISCE (Facebook event link), the 90s party,  brought to you by Very Smart Brothas x Shine On Me x Just Cause Productions. This month’s party will feature a special tribute to Heavy D and a focus on Uptown Records (Waterbed Heav’s recording home). That means Mary and Guy and Father MC, etc. That means a good time. Get yo’ azz on out to Liv Nightclub on Saturday, 12/3. Free before 11, free drank before 11, and no dress code. And Champ will be in the building too. Sadatay. And invite all of your friends. Let’s make it a night to remember.

Notable Hoodrat Inventions

An idol for anorexics and bulimics everywhere

For all the (deserved) hell that professional golem Eric Williams is receiving for splashing water in his ex-wife’s face during last week’s edition of Roundball Ratchets, you kind of have to step back and admire the ingenuity these reality show participants have consistently exhibited. Knowing that punches, slaps, spitting, and face mushes can get you kicked out of houses and kicked off shows (Well, can get you kicked off shows if your name isn’t Tami Roman), the blitzkrieg water splash — as quick as it’s deadly — is actually a pretty clever way to circumvent the rules while still managing to achieve your goal of blatant disrespect.

What makes the blitzkrieg water splash even more inventive is that, if done correctly, it can achieve the pinnacle of hoodrich hoochie disrespect: intentional lacefront impairment.

The prevalence of this “invention” shouldn’t surprise anyone, though. Throughout history, hoodrats — in this sense, “hoodrat” isn’t gender or even income-level specific. Eric Williams is just as much of a hoodrat as Kat Stacks  — have a history of developing and pioneering things that prove to be just as resourceful and practical as they’re uncouth and cringe-worthy.

Noah, the world’s first recorded hoodrat, actually initially built the arc just so he could put it in his backyard and “impress the bitches on his block.”¹ Right when he was about to equip it with a new set of shiny, 26 inch wooden planks he leased from Rent-N-Roll, God came a calling with that flood mess and changed his plans, forever changing him from Hood dude to hero.

Hot ghetto Old Testament messes aside, here’s a few more welcome additions to American culture that hoodrats have pioneered.

The Booty Clap

Now, for all we know, they could have been booty-clapping in the Serengeti hundreds of years ago. Maybe the real reason Napoleon shot the nose off of the Great Sphinx was that he was just royally pissed and embarrassed that a couple especially sneaky booty-clapping Nile river strippers managed to get him for all of his travel cash.

But, since we don’t have any documented footage of that occurring, we’re best to assume that the booty clap — an awesome spectacle of creative debauchery that manages to incorporate the rhythmic ethos of our ancestors with an impeccably proper control of the glutes and a tinge of typical hoodrat ratchedness — was probably invented at a BBQ in a Gary, Indiana basement within the last 30 years.

Regardless of when it was first launched, the booty clap has been a great addition to our lives; extending the reach of numerous strippers, spawning many stripper’s children, and — in an act that completes the circle of life — paying for pole dancing classes for these doomed bastard stripper children.

The Argument Emphasis Clap

Although I’m not exactly sure why hoodrats seem so enthused with the idea of clapping things, I do know that I appreciate the argument emphasis clap — what happens when they get angry and start punctuating each syllable with an increasingly loud clap of the hands — because I know that if I happen to hear that while I’m at a club, it’s probably time to find the nearest escape route.

The Sagged Pants Super Sprint

Like the booty clap, it defies the laws of physics. There’s absolutely no way in hell that a man with his pants down to his f*cking knees still should be able to run a sub 4.3 40. But, as we all know, physics stopped f*cking with the hood like 30 years ago, which is why, while I was leaving my barbershop yesterday, I was able to witness a 16 year old waddle 200 yards under 9 seconds while he was running from a cop.

Why this isn’t an Olympic event yet is news to me.

The Male Pregnant Belly Beater

In one of his best stand-up performances, Dave Chappelle said (paraphrasing) that you can tell you’re in the hood when  you see random babies just walking around the neighborhood at night. This may be true, but an even more reliable marker of the hood is seeing fat men walking around with wifebeaters who are either completely unaware of their fatness or completely apathetic to it.

If you’re not clear on exactly what I’m talking about, go to the 20 second mark of this video and pay attention to the Beanie Siegel doppelgangers dancing (in a quite pause worthy fashion, mind you) near the baseline.

But, although it may annoy and disgust, the male pregnant belly beater is a welcome throwback; an eff you to the rest of the world’s hang-ups about body image, fashion, and sweat glands that we can all learn from.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you name any other notable hoodrat inventions? Things hoodrats have invented that have actually made the world a much better and much more entertaining place?

¹This may or may not be in the version of the Bible that you read

—The Champ

***REMINDER FOR THE DMV VSB ninjas: Come join Panama Jackson this Saturday, August 6, 2011, from 10pm-3am at Liv Nightclub for Reminisce, a party dedicated to the the 90s brought to you by Shine On M Productions x Just Cause x Very Smart Brothas. With music provided by Sup Qool DJ Quartermaine, it’s going to be a throwback to the days when most of us were in college and living the good life. All 90s hip-hop/r&b/dancehall all night long. And most importantly (and best of all) its FREE until midnight ($5 cover after) OPEN BAR on rail liquor from 10-11pm and NO DRESS CODE. Come out and party like you used to do to the music you still listen to and take a shot with Panama Jackson.***