Tag Archives: insanity

Male Solutions To Common Women Problems

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Now let’s get back to business.

Men are simple creatures. We really are. You come home with a set of problems, we’re going to try to fix it. Now, we know that you don’t want us to fix your problem and really just want to hear yourself talk vent and share with us the details and frustrations of the day…

…but largely, we don’t want to hear it. Period.

And it’s not that we don’t want to hear you, it’s just that we’d really prefer not to listen to you go on and on about some problems that we could solve in a mere matter of seconds. And it spans across all types of arenas. Shoot. No pun intended.

You don’t believe me? Allow me to demonstrate.

Problem: Baby, I just look fat. This dress makes me look fat and I’m fatter than fat because I’m fat. Fat fat fat.

Desired Solution: Girl, you’re not fat, you’re beautiful and the world doesn’t fully understand the beautiousness that is you. There’s no way that you’d ever be fat.

(You see how that doesn’t solve anything?)

Man Solution: Change clothes and put on something that doesn’t make you look fat.

Do you see how this works? Let’s solve a few more problems that women have, you know, like man.

Problem: I’m not sure if he likes me.

Man solution: Does he actually call you first and/or spend time with you even when he doesn’t or you’re on your “monthly?” If so, he likes you. If not, he’s banging your best friend.

Problem: My friends are trifling. My girl, Sharon, said that she was going to go with me to the mall but she flaked out on me for some dude. Ain’t she trifling?

Solution: Yes she is. Get a new friend. She will always put random men in front of you. She will let you die just to get some booty.

Problem: My boss passed me over for a promotion. Hold me and make me feel better.

Solution: No. Go postal. Just don’t fly a plane into the building. It’s bad for your skin.

Problem: I can’t tell if he loves me.

Solution: If he ain’t say it, he don’t do it. (Not sure why more women are so curious about this one. If a man doesn’t tell you he loves  you or that you’re his girlfriend, he does not and you are not. Actions speak louder than words…unless words are available.)

Problem: My boyfriend cheated on me but I still really love him and don’t want to leave him. I’m so confrused like Young Buck calling 50 Cent. I just don’t know what to do but because I’m a woman I keep talking about this over and over.

Solution: He cheated once he’ll do it again. Either ship out,  join in, or shut the f*ck up about it and accept that some other chick juggled your man’s balls. You clearly want to stay so stay and shut up about it. Everybody will judge you so just suck it up. The situation, not his balls. Well, do that too.

Problem: My boyfriend doesn’t like talking to me.

Solution: Get some girlfriends. Man watch TV.

Problem: I don’t understand men and need help.

Solution: Read Very Smart Brothas bitches.

Those are a few solutions to some common problems of women. Good people of the VSB, what are some other simple and common sense solutions to problems that arise? Don’t be shy.

Share.

Bitches.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

work it, baby

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if the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting different results, and if i claim that women are inherently insane, does this make me insane as well? if not insane, then, ummm, do i have insane tendencies? whats the food like at western psych? if a black blogger writes a piss-poor exposition in the woods, will anybody read it?

who knows.

all i know is that these were a few of the thoughts that first came to mind last night, when thinking of my ghosts of relationship past, and realizing that every woman i’ve ever had at least moderate feelings for has either been in education or heath care in some way or form.

every. no exceptions.

you can make multiple conclusions from this, but the one that’s most apparent is the fact that these careers usually attract the same type of personalities. generally speaking, women who choose these types of careers tend to be the nurturing, caring, practical, family oriented types. basically, relationship-ey chicks. i dont intentionally highlight “assistant principal” or “nurse” when i’m reviewing the hundreds of relationship resumes i’m sent everyday, but i do usually find myself extremely erect if they attach a pic in their uniform can’t ignore that this pattern exists.

this realization gave birth to a few questions.

people of vsb…

1. is there a career that just does it for you? are you lascivious for lawyers? hot for horticulturalists? randy for realtors? wet for welders? do historiographers get you hard? do therapists get the tingle? do surgeons make you squirt? sculptors make you skeet? engineers make you eat?

***ok.  i’m done. as you can see, i was having far too much fun with this.***

2. is there a close symmetry between the personality type you claim to be attracted to, and the career paths of people you usually date?

3. on the flipside, could you be with someone whose work you didn’t respect?

for instance, lets say you’re dating a successful artist who’s extremely passionate about her work. she’s physically attractive and has a great personality, but…you think that her “art” resembles what happens when your two year old nephew pees on the bathroom wall, and the fact that people actually spend good money on it makes you physically ill when you think about it.  if you weren’t dating this woman and you happened across a piece of her artwork in a storefront, you’d want to murder the person responsible. is there a future there?

also, i’m not over-generalizing when i say that there are certain careers associated with certain genders. you can argue whether it’s justified or unjust, but you can’t argue that it’s true. i’d also argue that this is more of an issue/concern for women, than men. with that being said…

4. ladies, would you have a problem being serious with a guy in a “feminine” profession (ie: interior decorator, hairdresser, secretary, etc)? if so, why?

5. is the champ insane?

thoughts and sh*t?

***also, for those in the pittsburgh area, the champ, as well as a few other vsb-ers, will be at the ava lounge in east liberty friday night for the urban league young professionals of greater pittsburgh’s “urban chic” event. please come if you’ve always wanted to be awed by the champ’s black leather glory spike gem or ivy’s drinks***

—the champ

Jazmine Sullivan Might Get You Dead.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that vehicle property damage is going to increase by at least 8 percent in the next few months.

But there is some good news about this.

I just saved 15 percent by switching my car insurance to Geico. And the funny part is that it’s completely true. I called Geico and they cut my car insurance down by over $100 bucks.

So Jazmine, if you and your insane fem mob decide to bust the windows in my car…

…I’m covered, b*tch. I’m covered.

However, let’s discuss this a little bit, mmkay? Why in the hell do women think its okay to f*ck up a man’s car? Yes, some men do this but its largely considered to be a woman’s phenomenon, kind of like Black people and chitterlings. Yet here we go with Jazmine Sullivan talking about busting the windows of her man’s car because she saw him cheating.

Okay, dudes a d-bag. That’s true. Break up with him. Call the game. Forfeit the love. Unfortunately, she can’t do that. She must get revenge. She throws on some Blu Cantrell “Hit ‘Em Up Style” and decides that writing her name (hello EVIDENCE DUMBARSE) in the hood of his car with a crowbar is a good idea.

And oh yeah she busts the window of his car. Look, I jokingly reference the insanity of women on nearly a daily basis when I write. It’s a well documented fact that a lot of women are, indeed, off their proverbial rockers.

But you know who’s really crazy?

Like, really, really?

A Black man who’s had his sh*t unnecessarily f*cked the f*ck up. Oh yeah, that ninja is insane. In life, what every Black woman should want, apart from a man with a good job, good credit, etc., and above all else is a man who is afraid of jail.

Ladies, take this one to the bank, if you meet a man who is honestly not afraid of doing a bid in jail…leave him. Immediately. As in, end the date.

Now let’s say you do manage to date a man who is afraid of jail when you meet him and while you’re dating. Dude realizes he has something to lose in life. But we all have our breaking points. That’s word.life.
In the song she gets her jollies by imagining what dude’s gonna say when he sees his car. In her mind, he’ll be pissed, upset, and ultimately realize the error of his ways. And you know what, 2 out of 3 really ain’t bad.

However, that last one, is soooooooo not happening. Especially not while he’s on the way to find you while his homeboy TRIES to convince him to calm down and not do anything crazy. See, there really is nothing good to come of ruining his car. Nobody wins there.

The fact is that generally speaking, you still want him anyway. You just want other people to think that you don’t so you can look strong. It’s why songs like this and Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies” are such crocks of sh*t. For 98 percent of women, hope springs eternal. Despite all the wrong that’s been done you, there is still that glint of hope that the man will “come to his senses” and realize what he has/had and make the best decision he can make…

…to be with the woman who just busted the windows of his car.

That’s why I love women. No matter how much most men put them through, they still want the man they put so much time into so they don’t have to start over. But you can’t have him. He’s on the way to make you dead for busting the windows of his car. You wanted him to feel some emotion…

…now you got some. And you better HOPE that dudes comes to his senses and wants to see Obama get elected while he’s on the way to find you.

And by the way, you could ALWAYS just leave him.

Bottom line: Don’t be like Jazmine Sullivan. Listen to Panama Jackson b/c if you mess up my car…

…I shall try to run you over with my Hemi.

Goodnight and good luck.

(By the way, I don’t really think any women will get effed the eff up behind doing this, I just think songs like this are retarded beyond belief. Thank you.)

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST

Charm. Pt. ii

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Yesterday, I said that any woman can be charmed. I fervently believe this to be true. Deep down, all women are romantics just waiting for some man to come in and sweep them off their feet with good conversation, romance, and some good wang. So despite the cold demeanor that many women possess, they’re all secretly hoping that even the 5’4” midget brotha with two gold and two silver teeth and wearing Fila’s will be the prince they read about when they heard about the first “tougher than Nigerian hair” weave goddess, Rapunzel.

But how is it possible that any woman can be charmed right out of her panties? I’m glad you asked. You see, we here at VSB.com are benevolent souls who’s sole goal in life is to help with the Cotton Removal Project people find love.

And for the record, this assumes you have the cajones to actually go talk to a chick. Also, let’s just assume we’re past the initial approach and trying to figure out how to get the young lady interested.

With that said, I present:

CHARMING HER SOCKS OFF: 5 WAYS TO CHARM A CHICK

1. Make her laugh. Despite the sheer no-brainer-ness of this it’s not easy to make a chick laugh. There are a few ways to do this. For some of you fellas, you can just whip out your Johnson. I’m sure that’s good for a laugh or two, but that’s not so much charming as it is sexual harassment. For most guys, being witty is key. Try to say something smart and funny. Try NOT to say something so STUPID that she’s laughing AT you and not with you because you tried to show you were smart. Basically, if you get into a conversation about grammar and the word homonym comes up, don’t say:
“Yeah, I really don’t get down with homonyms like that for real. I’m 100% percent straight, you know what I’m saying?”

2. Be vague and mysterious, but open and inviting…all at the same time. Tell her everything and nothing all at the same time. Women like to feel special and always want to feel like they’re getting more information out of you than other people have. In short, if she asks you a question just tell her that, “Look, it’s not in my nature to be mysterious. But I can’t talk about it and I can’t talk about why. However, I feel like I can open up to you.” See, say nothing and yet you’ve made yourself mysterious. Charmed.

3. Be artsy. I don’t quite get this one, but women love artsy cats. We can blame Love Jones for this one. But if you are talking to a chick and start alluding to how much you love jazz and art and how much music moves your soul, chances are you can see her naked. And hell, don’t actually KNOW what you’re talking about. You see, women like to believe in deep connections and passion. If you have passion and its palpable, well, you just might be able to get into a chick’s deep connection.

4. Basically stand out by being a little quirky. You’d think this would be a detriment, but the more memorable you are, the better chances you have of a chick catching some kind of instant attraction to you. Truthfully, there’s nothing more attractive to a chick than a dude who seems like he doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks but will be sensitive to her needs. If you can show her this in the first meeting, you’ll see her naked before Shawty Lo can spell onomatopoeia.

And yes I spelled that right. Go ahead, you can look it up.

5. Don’t pay her any real attention but keep her attention. This is similar to standing out, but in this scenario, you’re actually playing her to the left but making sure she still knows you’re there. This is some shit an artsy, quirky, cat would do and he’d stand out. If you make other people laugh, she’ll bite hook, line, and sinker. And then she’s as good as got. Call her a fish, jack, cuz she’s caught up like Usher in the Pacific Ocean.

Of course, these are but a few general ways to charm a chick. Essentially, the key to charming a woman is to keep her attention. If you can keep her attention, she’ll somehow think that perhaps you will hold her attention for life, because women are optimistic and believers. And smilers.

Folks of VSB.com, what are some other ways to charm the sex socks out of a woman? Open up and give.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Take Two of These And Walk It Out.

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I’m not sure if you know this or not, but we here at VSB.com are here to help – like Jesse and Al, except way more focused and with better hair. Oh yeah, and minus the whole making a mockery of Blackness since 1968 thing.

With that in mind, I know a lot of women who’ve gone through painstaking processes just trying to figure out if a man was interested in them. In fact, let’s take it a step further…I often get asked by my goodbreasted companions about what they should do when they’re in those initial stages of mental bliss. You know, the stage after you meet but before you play put the lime in the coconut and twist it all around.

So today, I’m going to provide a little 5 step manual for what you womenses should do in the mean time between time while you’re flipping the fuck out waiting for us to show you that we actually do like you. Mind you, I’m aware that men play mental gymnastics as well. But so do squirrels. And that has nothing to do with the price of condoms in Amsterdam. Today’s it all about helping the ladies out.

And with that said:

VERY SMART BROTHAS PRESENTS: 5 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHILE WAITING FOR HIM TO SHOW AND PROVE

1. Calm the f*ck down. You solve nothing by going apesh*t and overanalyzing every single email and/or text he sends you. And trust me, all men know that b*tches love the smiley face. It’s why Forrest Gump created them.

2. Don’t call him all the time. For one, he won’t answer. For B, you’re putting all of yours cards on the table by letting him know how pressed you are. The same way that we like to imagine what’s in your jeans is the same way we like to think about the chick we just met who might be the 3rd to last chick we ever see naked. The only thing that should be open 24/7 is 7-Eleven.

3. So…get a little ghost on occasion. Don’t be so available. Make the dude feel like he’s working for something. You best believe that if my job one day decided that I would just be working for the love and no paycheck, I’d be dipping THE f*ck out. Mind you, you should be in relationships for the love but that wouldn’t make my analogy work so f*ck it.

On a side note, though I don’t think anything is wrong with having some good ole fashion lovin’ while you’re trying to figure out where you stand, if you give up the goods early and often and he never calls you again, consider yourself lucky. He was just going to break up with you later anyway for a chick who held out.

4. Don’t accidentally be where you know he’s going to be. Just because he tells you where he’s going doesn’t mean he wants you to show up there. In fact, unless he says, “You should come here…” keep your happy ass 100 feet away at all times unless your presence is specifically requested. I knew a chick who somehow liked to pop up where I was going to be. I almost shot her once on accident though. She popped up at my home and was hanging outside my window just in case I wanted to see her. By the way, I lived on the 22nd floor.

By the way, I’m lying.

5. Perhaps you should continue dating. Just because you two met and hit it off doesn’t mean that he’s ready to bet the farm on you. In fact, most of us don’t even have a farm to bet so why in Sam Hill would we be ready to close up shop when we don’t even own one? Think about that. It’s deep. Don’t get so caught up in that one dude that you forget that YOU’RE NOT DATING.

Also…check out the price of tea in China.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST