Tag Archives: infidelity

Must Be Jelly.

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With all of that talk yesterday about getting in trouble for not thinking (i.e. telling your significant other that you told your best friend something first), I got to pondering. And when Panama gets to pondering, pwatch out.

As a full service edutainment center, we can’t just run around and provide you reasons to debate all willy nilly without sometimes providing answers. Solutions, if you will.

McCain: Do you know who provides solutions?

That one.

(pointing to Panama)

Oh yeah.

So say you find yourself on the outs with your significant other. Let’s say that they caught you in a lie and have pictures of you, another person, two bananas, and a sock puppet that bears a ridiculous resemblance to Tickle Me Elmo. So of course they’re ready to let you go. But they need closure. Who doesn’t?

(Actually me. I get my closure when I peace you out.)

They want to have one final talk. You know what this means don’t you? They’re just WAITING for you to convince them that you really do love them. Any person who is going to give you an opportunity to explain your f*ckedupedness really doesn’t want to leave you. However, they realize that if they take you back without at least putting up a fight of some sort, it makes them look weak. They need a show.

So give it to ‘em.

Panama Presents…Get Out of Jam, Oh Jam, Teddy Jam 4 Me

1) Go to God.

A surefire way to always buy yourself some time is to tell your significant other that you prayed about your problems and God told you to change – as in, you’ve seen the error of your ways. I promise it always works. I tried it 4 times just this morning. For one, who can argue with God? If they do, they look like a heathen (which means you can probably hit on the spot. Score!) Plus, if they really want you back, they’ll ACTUALLY believe that you mean it. I suggest getting more animated as you explain. Hell, give a sermon and really sell it.

It also might help if you hold the Bible in your hand the whole time you’re talking. But put it down before you get some of that biblical lovin’.

2) Blame them.

I don’t know why more people don’t try this. You see, if you’re dealing with somebody who wants you back anyway, it’s TOTALLY possible that you can convince them that you messed up because of their own actions or lack thereof. For effect, throw in a bunch of non-sequiturs.  That way they really have no clue what’s going on. Peep game:

Panama: Girl, if you had just considered how much stress I had then perhaps you’d understand why I make Kool-Aid for my family. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but nothing’s as wrong as the night I kept you guessing. I mean, I-I-I have never been in love. Before. What a difference a true love made in my life. Big wheels keep on turning. Do you understand how much I love you girl?

Chick: No. But you’re right. I should have been more considerate. How about some steamed broccoli.

Panama: No baby. Make me some lasagna if you love me.

End scene.

And probably THE most effective:

3) Get defensive and don’t let her talk.

As long as you’re talking they can’t complain. Tell her that you thought she was a woman and could handle dating a real man with real responsibilities. Or tell him that a real man who handles his business would know that no one on the corner has swagger like us. Pretty soon she’ll be unzipping your trousers in a broom closet right before you go on stage to perform with your bandmates.

Or wait, was that The Five Heartbeats.

Me no know.

So I provided a short template for you. What are some surefire tactics to get out of a jam? And it doesn’t even have to be a relationship fixer. What about a date who’s thinking foul thoughts and you don’t want to ruin that free dinner? Or the late night goodies?

Commence.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

I Work, I Get the Job Done

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***Admin. Note: Don’t forget to continue voting. Remember, Black people died long ago for our right to vote. Don’t waste this opportunity. Vote or die and yes we can. Not die, but vote. We can vote.***

If you look around, inappropriate behavior is everywhere. Mothersmurfers are out everywhere smurfin’ people they have no business smurfin’.

Well nowhere is this statement more appropos than the world-famous workplace romance. And just to be difficult, let’s throw the Academic Brain T(h)rust in there for good measure (might have to address this one on its own, actually).

Generally, I poo on pooh-poohing where one dines. What with today’s recession, you’d think people would do everything in their power to make their jobs as cushy and drama free as possible (to include visiting VSB.com assuming it isn’t banned at your job yet), yet some people don’t give a flying copulation and throw caution to the wind like Charles Barkley at a casino buffet.

However, who am I to judge really? I’ve never done the workplace romance but I’ve seen more than enough to know that there are some rules to this sh*t. I wrote me a manual. A step-by-step booklet for you to get, your game on track…with no more drama.

Word to Mary J. Blige.

By the way, this doesn’t apply to Hollywood where a workplace romance is almost mandatory. How else could Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey be explained? Then again, I’m convinced Mariah has some bats in her belfry so perhaps it’s a fitting romance.

People don’t say “bats in the belfry” enough.

5 Ways To Ensure Your Workplace Romance Doesn’t End Up Going Postal

1) Avoid them at all costs

Generally you shouldn’t be schlumping anybody who constantly works within 10 feet of you all day. That’s just bad mojo. The cutesy stuff like sending mango-scented paper planes and hoping nobody sees it will only last for a good week. After a while, seeing them every minute of the day will get older than John McCain. Keep the space unless you’re…invading the space.

2) If you must have constant contact, don’t be awkward

You know, after that first physical encounter, somebody’s gonna have questions. 9.12 times out of 10, the chick is going to be wondering what’s going on now. The best thing you can do is not act awkward towards her. If you do, she’ll try to stab you with a letter opener. And she can get one too. Most offices have them.

3) Shut your trap

Like most criminals, things generally go wrong once one party starts yapping. The optimal situation is for both parties to hush-the-fudge up. The quieter its kept, the more fun the two of you can have while you pretend your both samurai’s of the XiuXiang Order with a secret only for the King of China. In this case, the king is Xerox, but the game is fun, no?

4) No unnecessary flirtatiousness with the office help

Since you met them at work, they might be a little more attentive to see if you’re just a workplace pimp out there trying to give everybody “raises”. Even if you don’t want them for anything more than just a little “work-out”, the least you can do is NOT obviously dismiss them by showing interest in the chick who gives you staples. Keep your supplies to yourself, Mister!

5) Piggybacking on #4, don’t get caught taking some body from the 4th floor to lunch

Not.a.good.look. The quickest way to get stabbed, at work, is to blatantly start taking some other person out to eat during lunch. Oh my goodness, and don’t pay for the cookie. Hmm…that has a double meaning.

Fact is people, if you must make the funtime with somebody that you work in close quarters with, the least you can do is be as conspicuous as possible and not just use them for copy-room fun. We here at VSB.com promote a sense of relationship unity and support.

So I suggest quitting.

But since you won’t do that…what are some other ways to avoid workplace fun-time drama?

And I KNOW some of y’all got workplace stories and experiences. Let’s do the knowledge!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST