Right now, I’m writing this post overlooking the Pacific Ocean in a hotel room in Redondo Beach, California. What a view.
LA…stand up. By the way, I love Cali like I love women. A lot.
I came out to the West West Y’all for a wedding and that got me to thinking about things that happen at weddings. Nuptials. Drunken Happy grandparents doing the Cupid Shuffle. Wedding Cake. Dancing. Hotel parties. One night-stands.
Ah…the one night stand. The one night stand is a lost art. It really is. I think people have forgotten the nuance, subtlety, and showmanship of a proper one night stand. Now folks be brown-nosin’ these pros. I treat a one-night stand like 7-Up, I never have I never will.
I can’t be your lover.
Thing is, most of us have done it at least once. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe you intended to call her back…you just forgot. She was a one-night stand by default. Or maybe you just wanted to get you some and he was available and after you were done you wanted to repent so bad you can’t bring yourself to answer his 37 calls in 22-minutes and relegated him to, “eewww girl…not that white stuff.”
But here, we’re talking about real one-night stands. Like the kind you plan to enter on purpose.
So let’s go on ahead and just show you how to do this, son. Did you know that there’s rules to this sh*t? No? Well I wrote me a manual. Thank me kindly and love you good.
VSB Guide To The Proper One-Night Stand
1. Leave the last names at the door. The only thing last names are good for are paternity tests and finding you in the phonebook to stalk you…for a paternity test. No last name, no future problems. It’s not yours anyway. She let you hit on the first night, it could be anybody’s kid. Just keep telling yourself that.
2. Don’t wake up looking into his or her eyes. Eyes are the windows the soul and all that. Though I have to wonder…if you have terrible vision, does that mean that your eyes are like stained-glass windows to the soul? Like you can’t really see through them but you know there’s something on the other side? That’s deep. Anyway, looking into someone’s eyes will make them ask for your last name. And why do people want last names? To establish connection because they want to call you again. Stop it. Just don’t do it. In fact. Get up and leave while their sleep.
3. Hmm…don’t go to sleep. Do your duty. Please that booty. Perhaps even a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity. Then bounce ever so coolly. And friend, strap up so there are no oopsies.
4. Keep the conversation above board. That means that you shouldn’t be discussing your hopes and dreams with the intended target of one-night standation unless its directly necessary to procure the panties or boxer briefs. Thing is, the more talking you do and getting to “know” one another fully clothed, the less likely it will be possible to complete the Perfect One-Night Stand. We’ll have to start deducting points for execution. On some Chinese 12-year old stuff. Go USA!
5. Don’t be winin’ and dinin’ no one night stand one some full-fledged trickin’. For one, it ain’t necessary. Trust me. For b, that violates section 1512(c) of Title 69, that explicitly states: “Notwithstanding any other provision of law, any procurer of pleasure that does not otherwise intend to build a structured foundation with said procuree, there shall be no trickin’.” Hey, I didn’t make it up. I’m just the messenger. Like Nicolas Cage.
Follow these rules and you can guarantee success. And the best part is that they’re actually unisex. So get thee people. Get your jollies and tallyho. A little bit. Just a little bit in love with you.
Of course, there are more rules, and in order to fully craft the perfect one-night-stand manual, we need to ge them all. So share…share.
Why don’t you…dance?
(By the way, I think I put something like 10 random arse song references in this post. If you can name 5 and what song or artist they’re from, I’ll send you a hi-five).
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST