The Obligatory VSB Recap of the 2012 BET Awards #CashinOut

I figured that I should watch the 2012 BET Awards because I’m slightly masochistic. Perhaps also I believe inflicting pain upon myself. Or does that mean masochistic. See, I’m 3 minutes in and I’m already feeling dumber. So let’s just recap what I’m seeing…mmkay pumpkin? And father forgive me, for I knew not what I signed up for. This joint lasted forrrrrrrrrrrrrever. No little blue pill.

Hey BET, why was this show so damn long?

Samuel Jackson and Spike Lee. Stop it. Let’s not even focuse on the fact that Spike has on a kilt. I’m fairly certain that Kanye is the only person who can actually pull off a kilt. And that’s saying something. By the way, I wonder if they practiced any of this. I’m fairly certain that Spike walked up to Sam before the show started and said, ‘yo, I have this great idea. It’s just like one of my movies!’ Sam was like, “well he did do Malcolm X.” After it was done and Samuel was like WTF was that SPIKE!!!! Spike was like, “it was just like She Hate Me, right?”

DAMMIT SPIKE!

Why was Kanye sweating so much. I know he wasn’t nervous. That was reminiscent of the Bobby Brown crackhead sweat that happened during the famous “crack is wack” Barbara Walters/Whitney Houston interview some years ago. Kanye needs to look into that. STAT.

I actually believe that Samuel L. Jackson is friends with everybody in the world. The Dalai Lama f*cks with SamJack.

Usher has on pink shoes. They don’t seem to match his oufit or this song. Hey Usher, Chris Brown called, he wants his gay ass outfit steez back. And let me ask you all a question…serious question time…is it me or did Usher sound like pure azz. In fact, at this point I’m not sure if Chris Brown is going to perform tonight, but let’s just say this was the official passing of the torch from Usher to Chris Brown. You saw it there folks, Usher relinquished the R&B crown to Chris Brown with a horrible vocal performance and sh*t. In fact, f*ck it all, let’s just say that his divorce is affecting him more than anybody realized.

Any awards show where Common is a legitimate contender for best actor is merely window dressing for performances. Oh, and Kevin Hart beat Denzel Washington. Okay. Alright. White people would never let this happen.

I’ll bet Kevin Durant didn’t know he was up for Sportsman of the Year. I feel like one of his boys whose sole job is to watch sh*t like this to keep Durant up on things texted him to say, “yo, KD, you just won Sportsman of the Year on BET.” KD: “What the f*ck is BET? Do they make Doodlejump?”

Big Sean mama looks like she reads books. Big Sean looks like he tried to lift weights with comic books. Big Sean needs a new name. He looks tiny on stage.

There was gospel. And Yolanda Adams. I almost feel like any time there is to be gospel there is to be Yolanda Adams.

So why do they even do best Male R&B artist categories anymore? As long as Chris Brown is involved isn’t the answer predetermined? He also looks old as THE f*ck.

Um…did Elle Varner just walk into my consciousness? Because I never really paid attention to her before. Oh who am I kidding, I don’t care anymore.

I’m sorry Chuck Perry, but this was NOT the venue to do anything experimental. I don’t care what community you’re apart of, Black people do not like change and things we don’t know about. We suck at supporting things we cannot understand. And there were no drums. You are change and something we don’t know about. Go try Williamsburg.

I actually thought that when Nicki Minaj started performing that it was Lil Kim on stage. This might mean that Lil Kim has an argument. Oh, I really feel like folks should be required to do the clean versions of songs Or do songs that can actually HAVE a clean version. Also what is her aversion to doing popular songs in favor of songs that nobody knows. Somebody needs to talk to her handlers about this.

2CHAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINZ. I’m starting to get 2 Chainz fatigue. I’m not sure what to do with this information at this time. But it’s true. Hold me. 2 CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINZ.

I ain’t saying that somebody got paid off for Wale and Miguel to win an award against Drake/Lil Wayne/Rick Ross…but somebody got paid off. And Miguel looked like a guy who went to jail in 1956 and JUST got released but NOBODY told him that the styles had changed. And he just found out. OR Maverick Carter is his management and this his second biggest faux pas after “The Decision.”

I ain’t one to gossip so you ain’t heard this from me, but Valerie Simpson jacked her hair from the same woman who did Wale’s hair.

Melanie Fiona looks like she should be more attractive than she is. And I don’t mean this as a dis. I mean it as a call to action. Melanie Fiona also makes all the songs that Adele said, “nope, not good enough, what is this bullsh*t.”

Hey BET, for the next time D’Angelo does a performance, could you PLEASE put the mic at the requested height on his rider. I don’t appreciate him having to stand on his toes to sing. Oh, and get him some TCB please. This n*gga ALSO had on some gotdamn tassles or fringes or something. ANGIE STONE WHERE ARE YOU WHEN HE NEEDS YOU!?!?!?!? Real spit though, D’Angelo looks kind of like a fat guy who got swole then got fat again. Good performance though, though I can’t lie, I’m happy as hell to see D’Angelo…alive.

Dammit with D’Angelo and the potbelly. But he put on such a Sly Stone style performance that folks in the audience were confused as hell but really happy he was…alive.

Mindless Behavior looked like education gone wrong. And like a gay version of B2K. #nttawwt

..this started to get hard to pay attention to…

…not that this is bad or anything, its just long…THATS WHAT SHE SAID…

Why does ANY rapper rap to a rap track. For instance, this MMG set…well, sucked. For that reason and that reason alone. By the way, is there a woman alive who would accept, “you look like a bag of money” as an actual compliment? If so, let me know so I can refer you to the hood ninjas in my neighborhood.

By the way…at this point, I’ve been drinking. The awards have gotten less interesting from a “paying attention standpoint”.

By the way, this is the convo going on around me when Tyler Perry’s name was mentioned: “he’s gay, he’s a coon, he got sexually abused, his face is too big, his eyes scream gay, he’s giving me a lot etc etc etc…”

I’ve got to give a shoutout to BET for finding Joe. He’s been missing for a long time. Even milkboxes gave up trying to find him. Real talk though, Joe’s LAST relevant song came out in like 1999. Why is he on stage doing a Frankie Beverly tribute?

Judge Mathis was there y’all.

Frankie Beverly sounds like he’s smoked a lot of cigars in his life.

I hate to say this but Kerry Washington looked sick and extremely unattractive while she was presenting with Jamie Foxx who looked like he was going to smoke her up after the show went off.

So, Django Unchained. I’m completely confused as to what the hell is going on with that movie. But its Quentin Tarantino. That says everything and nothign at the same damn time.

Chris Brown likes to take some odd choices with his fashion. I might also design to spray paint a 6-pack on myself. DC, beware. I’m coming to take all your ladies.

Al.

Brandy did a good job with her Whitney Houston set. This Whitney Houston set was good except when it was odd *coughWhitneysbrothercough*, but it was good. I wonder if other celebrities up in Heaven get in their feelings because they got a picture and a song in the background and Whitney got 20 minutes. Oh well, it’s Whitney.

And I’m spent.

That’s the recap folks. You’re welcome. I did this for you. It almost killed me. I’m done.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I SAT THRU THIS SH*T aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

DCers: This Saturday, July 7, 2012, come on out to Liv Nightclub for REMINISCE!!!!!!! It’s the official DJ Quartermaine Birthday Bash and we’re the afterparty for the 1-year anniversary of Urban Cusp and its founder, Rahiel T! From 930pm-3am, we’re taking you back to the 90s for all the fun you can handle. Free before 11pm with RSVP, open bar from 930-1030, and no dress code, it’s the HOTTEST PARTY IN THE CITY!!!!!! REMINISCE w/ VSB!!! Peep the flyer and RSVP here!

A Recap of The First Episode of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta

Let me just say upfront, Rodney King did not die for Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta to exist and set…something or somebody back…at least 2,000 years. But that happened. So I figured the least I could do is discuss things that stood out about what could quite possibly be the worst thing to happen to Black culture since cigarillos and Chief Keef. What follows is my chronological recap that didn’t happen minute-by-minute but over time of the first episode of Love & HipHop Atlanta.

-Five minutes into this show and I’m already over the Blackness. So, Sleazy J aka Stevie J buys his woman a house in the sticks only to tell her that he needs to “get this money” – a phrase that has likely done more damage to the Black community than ‘pimps up, hoes down’. She’s been with him for over 15 years. These ninjas have some seriously long term relationships. They should stop that.

-And Lil Scrappy is this seasons…Fabolous? That’s not a compliment by the way. Scrappy is not a celebrity by the way. At least not really outside of I-285. By the way, in the legion of Black women’s names, why is Erica/Erika/Ericka so damn popular. Why are there so many black women named Erica? I need a Congressional commision on this.

-Who in the F*CK is this K. Michelle broad? Sure she can sing, but why should she be actively involved in my life is what I’m asking. Interestingly enough, if you were to do a study on “hood chicks that can sing”, I’m fairly certain we could populate Israel or one of those other random ass countries in the Middle East and get the whole Greek drachma situation settled. Does that make any sense whatsoever? No. None at all. But that’s whats happened thus far since I’ve been watching this show. Despite the fact that nothing totally ratchet has happened, I’m all of a sudden feeling less…educated. And these people are in my city. I think I’m in DC for the long haul folks.

-Less than 20 minutes in and we already have tears of “you deserve better” courtesy of the best friend Ariane. She’s definitely A-town with her big ass “A” necklace. I don’t think we Atlantans think that other people understand our lingo since so many folks get their names tatted or necklaced all over the place. Oh yeah…the crying best friend. Over it.

-So let me get this right, Stevie J is a pimp? What part of the game is that. Oh, apparently he f*cks this chick Joseline’s brain. That’s new. Go Stevie. When the f*ck did Stevie J become “that n*gga”? Do ANY women reading even know who he is outside of Eve?  This is a problem for me. Mostly because I feel like Puffy is laughing his arse off while he cashes checks for work Stevie J used to do.

-Can we put a moratorium on cracked out mommas receiving airtime please? Seriously people. White people are watching. This is not looking good for us. Lil Scrappy, I’m looking at you and your momma.

-So, these chicks out here apparently have a rough time. K.Michelle, I feel you boo. The Clipse weren’t f*cking with Jive either remember? “…we’re sorry to the fans but them crackas wasn’t playing fair at Jive…” <—- we know the deal boo.

-Yo, I forgot how loud Black folks are in Atlanta. Momma Dee and Erica are so ATL, I almost shed a tear and got homesick. Until I realized that I might run into them ninjas. Again, I’m good in DC. By the way, if I found out that my momma was a pimp, I’d probably go and find Jesus again. Real spit.

-I’m struggling with Stevie J being considered the “pimp-player”. I really am. This is the MOST relevant he’s been since the 90s. They scraped the bottom of the barrel for this show.

-Women are stupid. Mimi needs to get her life together. This just proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that some women just refuse to accept that the man they chose isn’t good for them. Some of you all would rather be wrong forever than admit that you made a mistake. Mimi is living proof. Word to Lil Dap.

-Okay, this meeting with Karlie Reed, Josaline, Stevie J and Antonio Reed is exactly why everybody thinks that the music industry is a sham. These ninjas are…I hope that every kid watching realizes that they need to to got college. That’s all I’m going to say. Viva la college.

-Is this chick K. Michelle wearing Ewoks on her feet? I have a problem with this.

- I have a homeboy who thinks that Soul Plane set Black people like 100 years. That’s blatantly not true. But just in this first episode of Love and HipHop Atlanta, I feel like we may have lost at least 12 years. Yes, this episode took us back to 2000.

-So Stevie J might be the STUPIDEST man on the planet. He brings his jumpoff around his baby mama, tries to play the baby mama, ONLY to piss off his jumpoff at the same time who is trying to stay in her lane but catching feelings like STDs at a Lenny Kravitz concert.

-Yo, where the f*ck is this broad Joseline from? And why can’t she say “fur”? This perplexes me. I’d like to apologize to you all for watching this and subjecting to you this recap. But it’s been as hard for me as it was for anybody reading this.

-Fellas, word to big bird, if you EVER have the choice to make between your girl and the jumpoff/artist you’re working with RIGHT after an argument with your girl happens…ALWAYS tend to home, my n*gga. ALWAYS tend to home first. I may not be perfect, but that’s one mistake I know I’d NEVER make.

This ends this recap. I will never do this again. This was painful. I’m sorry. Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta might be too much for me to ever watch again. I never knew a true definition of the word “ratchet” until I watched this show. I’m done.

Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta, you broke Panama Jackson.

Annnnnnnd I’m spent.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MAAAAAMA NOOOOOOOOOOOO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

Aw Hell, The BET Awards Came On Again

I've really got to meet more white people so I can do MTV instead.

I remember a few years ago, BET seems to have begun to turn a corner. The Awards show which had long been associated with pure f*ckery and general shame had almost gained a bit of legitimacy.

But with Twitter at its apex, BET decided to have as much ridamndiculousness as possible this year. And you know what that means: Black Twitter almost exploded. Luckily BET always has a gospel segment which is where 90 percent of people check out and go to the bathroom, buy some drugs, or call their mothers.

By the way, as I’m writing this I just heard somebody say that Patti LaBelle’s voice is the most powerful voice on earth. Ain’t that right, boo? #true

Anyway, I had no intention of writing about the BET awards, but since I decided to watch it, I feel compelled because of the amount of f*cksh*t I’ve observed. So allow me to tell you about a little of it…my observations.

Why did Cee-lo put on a porcupine, feather, cap wig and purple shoes…THEN have the nerve to curse while wearing the gayest pastor coat in history?

Marsha Amborsius – bless her heart – has no booty whatsoever. I often wonder if women with no booty go to sleep every night and hope to wake up with a booty. Not even a big ole ass, just something well proportioned to the rest of her body. I’m a formerly Black man (thanks to Cee-lo and his get up I quit the Black race) so the hindparts are necessary to some extent. Marsha does have nice legs though with her spray on tan.

What the f*ck was up with everybody singing off key? It’s like everybody forgot to do a sound check AND the sound engineer quit right before the show over money. Alicia Keys sounded a little more of husky voice than usual AND was off key. Basically she sounded like The-Dream if he were to ever hit puberty.

Speaking of WTFness, what was up with all the profanity during the show? Aren’t they supposed to do the clean versions of songs? And if you’re going to do that for a Black awards show, you need a 30 second delay, not a 2 second delay like they were using. I feel like my TV cursed me out. And I didn’t like it. Stop it, television. I bought you TAKE THE FADE N*GGA!!!! TAKE THE FADE!!!!

I love how Chris Brown made a joke at his own expense. I really think that Chris Brown can totally redeem his career if he keeps on putting out dope music (which he’s been doing) and learns to enjoy life and laugh at himself and stays far and far away from all forms of social networking that don’t require him to run his words through at least 2 PR reps and a white woman.

Ain’t gonna lie to you, I’d marry Patti LaBelle right now. Jill Scott too. Oh and by the way since we’re talking about necks (we are now), can somebody find Gladys Knight’s neck? Did a Pip take it?

I don’t know if you all know how much I hate Kelly Rowland’s song “Motivation”. But I do. A lot. I think she sounds like pure D sh*t singing on it. And yet, her live rendition was…well, dope. She gave one of the better vocal performances that I’d seen during the night. Amazing. I’d totally bang her out.

Johnny Gill. Stop it.

Steve Harvey, for all of the non-sense we attribute to him really is worthy of getting an award for being a humanitarian. He hasn’t personally made my life any better but I’m sure somebody’s gotten further along because of him. And dude really does care about family values and manhood. It’s why he’s keeping so many women single…so he can focus on the men. <—-its like I just praised him AND threw him under the bus at the exact same time. Panama? Stop it.

I don’t care what anybody says, Rick Ross looked like he lost 738 pounds with that white Louis Vuitton suit he had on. I could barely see him. He was like a sliver of his former self. Wait…what?

The Nicki Minaj and Justin Beiber exchange was about as awkward and inappropriate as you can get at an awards show before somebody calls the police. Between that and Lil Wayne et al. bringing out a bunch of 12 year olds while singing, “…I wish I could f*ck every girl in the world…” last year (or a few years ago whenever), the entire Young Money camp needs to be on somebody’s watchlist. Not like a terrorist list, but a list nonetheless.

That poor Viewer’s Choice winner announcer, I won’t even add her name here…man she f*cked up so royally. Like, there are f*ckups but then there are f*ckups like she had. Thing is I couldn’t even tell who’s fault it was. I think I’ll just blame BET, because well, anytime BET is a possible culprit, it’s BET’s fault. Thing is…after she f*cked up and knew she f*cked up…she should have said something like, “go f*ck  yourself San Diego”, “Dip Set b*tch” or “Suck it” then threw the mic on the ground and walked off. You know you’ve done bad when even Drake won’t hug you and sing you a song about his insecurities.

This Beyonce performance sh*t was SUCH a copout but genius marketing move on her part. She doesn’t have to do anything but add an extra camera to her set to stream back to the BET awards. All it cost her was a “what’s up BET” shoutout. Oh well, that’s why BET stays losing. That and because Debra Lee buys her dresses from Lowe’s. Add to the fact that this was CLEARLY not live since ya know, its like 4am in London town when that aired.

Speaking of Beyonce, and I feel like we mentioned this here before…she might be the hottest celebrity that I have no desire ever to want to see naked. I’d be much more inclined to see Kelly in the buff with her legs reaching for the sky than Beyonce. She has like zero sex appeal to me. That is odd, like a Lil Wayne outfit. By the way Wayne, Andre 3000 called, he asked if you’d stop stealing his 1998 steez and be original.

I think that’s enough for now…sound off. I know you watched the Awards….good, bad, ugly?

What were your observations?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BLACKASAURUS JONES aka GIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

 

the least

approximately two or so years ago, while bored and aimlessly late night searching for girls gone wild informercials channel surfing, i came across a roundtable of hip-hop heads on mtv28 discussing the “state of hip-hop” and reflecting on the year’s big events. when the year’s biggest event (the ending of the nas/jay-z cold war and subsequent merger) was brought up, each of the dozen or so people at the roundtable nodded their heads in joyous approval and spoke about how great it was that these two iconic figures finally decided to make peace and music with each other.

well, each of the dozen…except one.

as soon as the mention of this peacemaking was brought up, the camera panned to this one person, who was making a face like he was being forced to suck on a lemon stuck between her…

..legs. a look of sheer disdain and disgust and hate that these two grown men had the nerve to stop beefing, and that mtv had the audacity to laud this as a good thing.

when the moderator finally asked this one person what the hell was wrong with him, this one person remarked (**paraphrasing**)

“i’m sayin though, b. ya’ll n*ggas acting like n*ggas in the street care about what these old ass n*ggas do, b. word is bond, i gots my ear to the streets, b…i talk to them young n*ggas everyday, and they aint worried about no aarp-ass n*ggas squashing beef. naw, man. i make my music for the 14 year olds that wanna hear about my life…b*tches and hoes and weed and killing n*ggas. the 14 year olds in the street do wanna hear about no damn peace, b.”

when you combine the amount of sheer, unadulteratedly jubilant ignorance this person happliy exhibits, plus the fact that he’s helped to perpetuate a horrendous trend (young african-american men dressing like jamaican dancehall artists) despite his incessant clowning of “f*gg*t ass rappers with tight jeans” (read: kanye), plus the fact that he’s a founding member of the most aggressively ignorant crew in the history of hip-hop, plus his resonate and undoubtable influence and appeal with many young-minded idiots people, is the reason why…

…jim jones is my least favorite person in america, and the bane of vsb.com’s existance.

dishonorable mention: owens, terrell. kilpatrick, kwame. the chubby snizzle who lives on the bottom floor of my building who always makes a big fuss about moving away from the door when she’s out there blocking the entrance and smoking cigarettes.

so, dyspeptic readers of vsb.com, who is your least favorite person in america right now, and why?

—the champ