I figured that I should watch the 2012 BET Awards because Iâ€™m slightly masochistic. Perhaps also I believe inflicting pain upon myself. Or does that mean masochistic. See, Iâ€™m 3 minutes in and Iâ€™m already feeling dumber. So letâ€™s just recap what Iâ€™m seeingâ€¦mmkay pumpkin? And father forgive me, for I knew not what I signed up for. This joint lasted forrrrrrrrrrrrrever. No little blue pill.
Samuel Jackson and Spike Lee. Stop it. Letâ€™s not even focuse on the fact that Spike has on a kilt. Iâ€™m fairly certain that Kanye is the only person who can actually pull off a kilt. And thatâ€™s saying something. By the way, I wonder if they practiced any of this. Iâ€™m fairly certain that Spike walked up to Sam before the show started and said, â€˜yo, I have this great idea. Itâ€™s just like one of my movies!â€™ Sam was like, â€œwell he did do Malcolm X.â€ After it was done and Samuel was like WTF was that SPIKE!!!! Spike was like, â€œit was just like She Hate Me, right?â€
Why was Kanye sweating so much. I know he wasnâ€™t nervous. That was reminiscent of the Bobby Brown crackhead sweat that happened during the famous â€œcrack is wackâ€ Barbara Walters/Whitney Houston interview some years ago. Kanye needs to look into that. STAT.
I actually believe that Samuel L. Jackson is friends with everybody in the world. The Dalai Lama f*cks with SamJack.
Usher has on pink shoes. They donâ€™t seem to match his oufit or this song. Hey Usher, Chris Brown called, he wants his gay ass outfit steez back. And let me ask you all a questionâ€¦serious question timeâ€¦is it me or did Usher sound like pure azz. In fact, at this point Iâ€™m not sure if Chris Brown is going to perform tonight, but letâ€™s just say this was the official passing of the torch from Usher to Chris Brown. You saw it there folks, Usher relinquished the R&B crown to Chris Brown with a horrible vocal performance and sh*t. In fact, f*ck it all, letâ€™s just say that his divorce is affecting him more than anybody realized.
Any awards show where Common is a legitimate contender for best actor is merely window dressing for performances. Oh, and Kevin Hart beat Denzel Washington. Okay. Alright. White people would never let this happen.
Iâ€™ll bet Kevin Durant didnâ€™t know he was up for Sportsman of the Year. I feel like one of his boys whose sole job is to watch sh*t like this to keep Durant up on things texted him to say, â€œyo, KD, you just won Sportsman of the Year on BET.â€ KD: â€œWhat the f*ck is BET? Do they make Doodlejump?â€
Big Sean mama looks like she reads books. Big Sean looks like he tried to lift weights with comic books. Big Sean needs a new name. He looks tiny on stage.
There was gospel. And Yolanda Adams. I almost feel like any time there is to be gospel there is to be Yolanda Adams.
So why do they even do best Male R&B artist categories anymore? As long as Chris Brown is involved isnâ€™t the answer predetermined? He also looks old as THE f*ck.
Umâ€¦did Elle Varner just walk into my consciousness? Because I never really paid attention to her before. Oh who am I kidding, I donâ€™t care anymore.
Iâ€™m sorry Chuck Perry, but this was NOT the venue to do anything experimental. I donâ€™t care what community youâ€™re apart of, Black people do not like change and things we donâ€™t know about. We suck at supporting things we cannot understand. And there were no drums. You are change and something we donâ€™t know about. Go try Williamsburg.
I actually thought that when Nicki Minaj started performing that it was Lil Kim on stage. This might mean that Lil Kim has an argument. Oh, I really feel like folks should be required to do the clean versions of songs Or do songs that can actually HAVE a clean version. Also what is her aversion to doing popular songs in favor of songs that nobody knows. Somebody needs to talk to her handlers about this.
2CHAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINZ. I’m starting to get 2 Chainz fatigue. I’m not sure what to do with this information at this time. But it’s true. Hold me. 2 CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINZ.
I ain’t saying that somebody got paid off for Wale and Miguel to win an award against Drake/Lil Wayne/Rick Ross…but somebody got paid off. And Miguel looked like a guy who went to jail in 1956 and JUST got released but NOBODY told him that the styles had changed. And he just found out. OR Maverick Carter is his management and this his second biggest faux pas after “The Decision.”
I ain’t one to gossip so you ain’t heard this from me, but Valerie Simpson jacked her hair from the same woman who did Wale’s hair.
Melanie Fiona looks like she should be more attractive than she is. And I don’t mean this as a dis. I mean it as a call to action. Melanie Fiona also makes all the songs that Adele said, “nope, not good enough, what is this bullsh*t.”
Hey BET, for the next time D’Angelo does a performance, could you PLEASE put the mic at the requested height on his rider. I don’t appreciate him having to stand on his toes to sing. Oh, and get him some TCB please. This n*gga ALSO had on some gotdamn tassles or fringes or something. ANGIE STONE WHERE ARE YOU WHEN HE NEEDS YOU!?!?!?!? Real spit though, D’Angelo looks kind of like a fat guy who got swole then got fat again. Good performance though, though I can’t lie, I’m happy as hell to see D’Angelo…alive.
Dammit with D’Angelo and the potbelly. But he put on such a Sly Stone style performance that folks in the audience were confused as hell but really happy he was…alive.
Mindless Behavior looked like education gone wrong. And like a gay version of B2K. #nttawwt
..this started to get hard to pay attention to…
…not that this is bad or anything, its just long…THATS WHAT SHE SAID…
Why does ANY rapper rap to a rap track. For instance, this MMG set…well, sucked. For that reason and that reason alone. By the way, is there a woman alive who would accept, “you look like a bag of money” as an actual compliment? If so, let me know so I can refer you to the hood ninjas in my neighborhood.
By the way…at this point, I’ve been drinking. The awards have gotten less interesting from a “paying attention standpoint”.
By the way, this is the convo going on around me when Tyler Perry’s name was mentioned: “he’s gay, he’s a coon, he got sexually abused, his face is too big, his eyes scream gay, he’s giving me a lot etc etc etc…”
I’ve got to give a shoutout to BET for finding Joe. He’s been missing for a long time. Even milkboxes gave up trying to find him. Real talk though, Joe’s LAST relevant song came out in like 1999. Why is he on stage doing a Frankie Beverly tribute?
Judge Mathis was there y’all.
Frankie Beverly sounds like he’s smoked a lot of cigars in his life.
I hate to say this but Kerry Washington looked sick and extremely unattractive while she was presenting with Jamie Foxx who looked like he was going to smoke her up after the show went off.
So, Django Unchained. I’m completely confused as to what the hell is going on with that movie. But its Quentin Tarantino. That says everything and nothign at the same damn time.
Chris Brown likes to take some odd choices with his fashion. I might also design to spray paint a 6-pack on myself. DC, beware. I’m coming to take all your ladies.
Brandy did a good job with her Whitney Houston set. This Whitney Houston set was good except when it was odd *coughWhitneysbrothercough*, but it was good. I wonder if other celebrities up in Heaven get in their feelings because they got a picture and a song in the background and Whitney got 20 minutes. Oh well, it’s Whitney.
And I’m spent.
That’s the recap folks. You’re welcome. I did this for you. It almost killed me. I’m done.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I SAT THRU THIS SH*T aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
DCers: This Saturday, July 7, 2012, come on out to Liv Nightclub for REMINISCE!!!!!!! It’s the official DJ Quartermaine Birthday Bash and we’re the afterparty for the 1-year anniversary of Urban Cusp and its founder, Rahiel T! From 930pm-3am, we’re taking you back to the 90s for all the fun you can handle. Free before 11pm with RSVP, open bar from 930-1030, and no dress code, it’s the HOTTEST PARTY IN THE CITY!!!!!! REMINISCE w/ VSB!!! Peep the flyer and RSVP here!