Tag Archives: humor

Seven Thoughts About Nicki Minaj and “The Bride of Blackenstein”

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1. For the past three years, every Thursday night or Saturday afternoon I’ve played pick-up basketball at a local high school with a group of the same 15-25 guys. We gather up, try to split teams evenly, play for a couple of hours, and drink beer in the coaches’ office when we’re done. It’s basically a basketball version of everything that happens in a Brett Farve Wrangler commercial.

Now, out of those 15-25 regulars, I’m one of maybe five black guys — 5½ if you count one of my biracial buddies. As you can imagine, there are many opportunities for good-natured racial humor, and most of this can be categorized as just typical male-on-male locker room banter. (For instance: A few months ago, I got stuck in traffic and I ended up being 15 or so minutes late. When I finally got to the gym, one of the guys joked “You know we’re not on CP time, right?” Hardy har f*cking har.)

But, one of the regulars occasionally — and intentionally — pushes the appropriate banter envelope. Not a hateful guy by any stretch of the imagination, his jokes are more a product of his social awkwardness than any type of venom. He says off-color things because, well, he’s expected to say off-color things and he wouldn’t be him if he didn’t. In this sense, he’s merely filling his expected role, and we all deem him to be pretty harmless.

Still, one of his particularly off-color (and particularly flat) jokes about watermelon or chicken or black booty or something a few months ago prompted me to pull him aside later and advise him of the importance of humor. Basically, I reminded him that off-color and borderline offensive jokes about any subject are cool…as long as the joke is actually funny.

This brings me to “The Bride of Blackenstein,” a skit/parody of blaxploitation horror films that ran on Saturday Night Live last weekend. The six minute long short — which featured the increasingly ubiquitous Nicki Minaj in a parody of “The Bride of Frankenstein”– has been racked across the internet coals in the days since it first aired; accused of everything from racism to blatant misogyny. (In an especially biting, especially funny, and typically hyperbolic critique, Gina Mccauley of What About Our Daughters remarked “Nicki Minaj’s goal is to make sure she’s at the top of the bottom of the totem pole.”)

But, after finally getting a chance to sit down and watch it yesterday morning, it seems like the only thing this skit was guilty of was making an uninspired attempt at humor. Seriously, I’ve seen tree limbs and air conditioners with more wit than this skit. This matters because borderline offensive comedic material becomes just plain ole’ offensive sh*t when it’s completely devoid of comedy.

“The Bride of Blackenstein” offends and insults me, not because it’s racist or sexist or anything but because it’s offensive and insulting to think about how much better that skit could have been — especially when considering the outstanding comedic writing chops of the people on the SNL staff.

2. Thing is — and this is probably going to contradict everything I just said in #1 — the only way to tell if a joke works or not is to actually try it. To make edgy humor you need to step on the edge, and sometimes you risk offending people. But, as long as you’re an equal opportunity offender, I don’t see a problem with taking a couple jabs at black women or black men or homosexuals or Aboriginal midgets or whoever. No one is above occasional ridicule, and while there’s a time and a place for safe humor, 12:30 am isn’t that time, and SNL isn’t that place.

In my opinion, “The Bride of Blackenstein” skit was a bad effort at humor, but that’s just my opinion. Humor’s inherent subjectivity makes it so that there’s no inherent wrong in the actual effort, though.

3. A term coined by uber-popular ESPN columnist Bill Simmons, “The Tyson Zone” describes what happens when a person becomes so known for their outrageous behavior that nothing they do can surprise you. I bring this up because between her outrageous outfits, equally outrageous body, and surprisingly lucid verbal schizophrenia, Nicki Minaj has officially reached Tyson Zone territory.

Seriously, you could tell me that Nicki Minaj’s ass cured cancer yesterday and the most you’d get out of me would be “Word? Cool.” My Minaj surprise quota has been completely exhausted. Sh*t, she could be sitting in my bathtub while rocking a dolphin suit and reading “The Things They Carried” right now and it still wouldn’t shock me.

With that being said, I think she’s extremely intelligent (Yes. Extremely intelligent. She has us all thinking she’s Pinocchio when she’s really Geppetto.), extremely shrewd, and extremely self-aware, and I still think the music industry is a much, much better place with her in it.

4. I don’t think I’ve ever been on the fence with a comedian more than I am with Keenan Thompson. Yes, his comedy tends to be wrapped in a not so subtle tinge of, for lack of a better term, “coonism,” and yes, he’s probably rocked more dresses and pumps in the past year than each of the Mean Girls of Morehouse combined. But, he does occasionally crack me the hell up, and I’ve been known to sing “What’s up with that?” to myself at random times during the day. I really can’t call it with Keenan.

Speaking of black comics…

5. I’ve had my cup of “Jay Pharoah is the next black comedy superstar” lemonade sitting on my dining room table for four months now. Hopefully I’ll be able to drink it some time soon. I really, really, really want him to be the next Eddie Murphy, but I’m not sure if SNL is the right place for that to happen.

6. The funniest part of this skit occurs at the 5:10 mark of the video, when a song starts playing in the background and Jesse “I’m going to tell you one last time. I am NOT Michael Cera!!!” Eisenberg claps so offbeat that it looks like he’s trying to kill a gnat. He’s either the best young actor on the planet, or concrete proof that “the average white man” and “rhythm” goes together like “Cromartie” and “condoms.” No in-between.

7. I guess this is where I’m supposed to end this piece with 150 or so words about the many virtues of Nicki Minaj’s gravity, sense, and nature defying ass. In fact, I’m sure those who remember my Anchorman-influenced ode to Erykah Badu’s ass are expecting it. Surprisingly, though, I’m completely unmoved by her hindparts, and I can’t exactly figure out why. I mean, I’ve let the whole “artificial or not?” thing slide before when appreciating certain magnificent booties, so I know it’s not that. I’ve also gone gaga for the backside assets of women who weren’t nearly as blessed as the black barbie, so I know it’s not that either.

I think my problem with Minaj’s ass is that it just seems like an excessively ostentatious and useless accessory, like an Olympic diving board attached to the trunk of a Bentley. Sure, it’s amazing, but it doesn’t really entice because it doesn’t seem to serve any practical purpose other than amazement.

While Badu has “the perfect three baby booty,” Minaj’s can best be described as “the perfect 3-D booty.” Great to look at while at the theater, but disorientating and distracting if you tried to watch at home. (Champ’s Note: She’d still get it, though)

Remember, if you haven’t done so already, you can purchase Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime at Amazon.com for $14.99.

—The Champ

the sad clown: four reasons why “funny” girls finish last

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“why do men seem to lose interest when they find out that i have a great sense of humor? i thought that men liked funny chicks”

i’ve probably been asked a variant of this question at least once a week for the past five years, and it’s usually a response to the same situation.

boy meets girl. girl accepts date with boy. boy takes girl to midnight screening of the human centipede and to all-you-can-eat sausage gravy buffet. during buffet, girl makes inappropriate (and hilarious) joke about boy’s paul pierce half-beard. boy changes mood, and gives girl silent treatment until he drops her off at girl’s mole-infested duplex. girl never hears from boy again.

anyway, the idea that the “funny/snarky” woman has dating difficultly is a common one, a popular meme repeated in pop culture, popularized by tina fey and bea arthur and angela nissel, and confirmed by the anecdotal evidence of many women. here’s four possible reasons why this might occur.

1. funny is a man thing

why? well, (most) women have never had to spend decades learning how to disarm men to help convince us to sleep with them. basically, while possessing the ability to ease the tension and make people laugh is a bonus for a typical woman, its a must have quality for any normal non-millionaire man who doesn’t want perpetual desert d*ck.

i’m not saying that women can’t be funny, but the fact that you don’t need to be in order to procreate makes it a bit of a male-centric trait, and, in the eyes of many (but not all) men, aggressively funny women tend to give off the air that they’re a little less feminine than the average chick.

also, when women take the tension breaking/disarming role when interacting with a man, it has a way of saying “you don’t have to impress me“. this is good in theory, but we (men) tend not to really romantically respect women that we feel no need to impress. this is when close-buses happen.

2. the problem of “more”

you can typically infer what type of woman a man is into by his interests, his attitude, and his leisurely endeavors. basically, we’re usually attracted to women who possess some of the same characteristics we value the most in ourselves. men who take pride in their intelligence tend to be attracted to smart women. athletic and active guys tend to be attracted to women who workout regularly and take care of their bodies, funny guys tend to like funny women, and crackheads tend to be attracted to crack hoes.

thing is, while we’re drawn to these women, (most) guys don’t want to be with a woman who has more. the guy who always thinks he’s the smartest man in the room probably isn’t going gaga for women who make him feel like simple jack, the former college ballplayer probably won’t be proposing to the chick who can easily beat him in one on one, and the funny guy who’s used to being the one making the witty and pithy observations and comments might felt a bit threatened if dating the managing editor of the onion.

i know this seems a bit hypocritical, but think of it this way: while most women would like for a guy to be in touch with his sensitive side and his emotions, i doubt that they’d be okay with dating a guy more sensitive and emotional than she is.

3. you know, it’s really not about being too funny…

i doubt if i can articulate this without being offensive, but i’ll try.

if you take a look at the most popular male stand-up comedians, from richard pryor to richard lewis, none of them were men who’d be considered to be adonises. in the world of comedy, there are a thousand times more george carlins than george clooneys, and there’s a reason for that. guys who’ve spent the tiresome mental and emotional energy developing that type of extra sharp comedic wit usually do so as a reaction to either an adverse childhood or the realization that they’re probably not going to be able to attract women with their looks alone. basically, they learned to tell great jokes because they had to.

if this theory hold true with unusually funny women, you can deduce that the reason why they felt the need to learn how to be funny is more of a romantic obstacle than the actual funniness. its kind of similar to the dating difficulties “nice” guys speak about. its not that women abhor niceness, its just that excessively nice and accommodating men are usually less likely to possess characteristics women find sexually desirable.

4. some jokes just sound more harsh coming from a woman

lets just say that for a typical man, hearing “aiight, b*tch-*ss, rihanna-*ss n*gga. i said i got 6 books, damn. put your skirt back on, ugly” from a friend in a room full of people will garner a much different response if the friend happens to be a woman.

anyway, people of vsb.com. i’m curious: do you think that funny women have more dating difficulty than “average” women? if so, why? also, do you consider humor to be a gender-specific trait? and, have any of the vss’s out there ever felt any pressure to hide their funny? if a single sista told a joke in the woods, would hill harper make a sound?

the floor is yours.

—the champ

the do’s and dont’s of dating for “nice” guys and girls

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palngeddie6

at least 50 percent of the email we get at vsb is from self-proclaimed nice guys and girls having romantic difficulties. while i’m always tempted to just write back “be more attractive“, as a nice guy myself (heh), i have a soft spot for those still unable to navigate the shark-invested relationship morass without getting eaten alive

so, as another example of verysmartbrothas.com crime-fighting ideals, here’s the do’s and dont’s of dating for nice guys and girls, a simple guidebook for those allowing their niceness to continually dry panties and mush wangs quicker than lady gaga, sabotaging their relationship success.

do be yourself

despite their vicious tongue games, chameleons are extremely unsexy. stop trying to be one. be you, not who you think they’ll be most attracted to.

do show your passion

women (and men) love being around people who are good at something and passionate about that subject. being able to command a duty or subject projects a certain magnetism that makes people more attractive. while it may not be in your nature as a nice guy or girl to toot your own horn, if you’re a crocheting ass ninja, don’t be scared to let everyone know that you’ll thread the sh*t of a shower curtain.

don’t settle for friendship

you already have enough friends. what the hell do you need another for, especially one who’s made it clear that your odds of reciprocation are less than a white mans chances of boning khloe kardashian? if they’ve given you a romantic raincheck after you’ve made your intentions known, f*ck staying around as a lame-duck friend because they’re your tuesday lunch buddy. burn that dry-ass bridge and never look back.

do limit the self-depreciating humor

because they’re generally non-confrontational by nature, making people as relaxed and comfortable around them as possible to avoid potential conflict is as deeply embedded in the nice guy and girl dna as saying please, thank you, and shopping at the gap. the best way to do this is to make yourself seem non-threatening, and the quickest and easiest way to appear non-threatening is to laugh at yourself.

thing is, while a little self-depreciation is good because it implies a sense of maturity and level-headedness, hosting a daily solo roast of yourself and your flaws will make it extremely difficult for anyone to take you seriously. plus, if you’re perpetually pin-pointing and joking about your imperfections, eventually your flaws are all anyone’s going to notice.

do wipe your goggles

lets just say that for some people, the distance between who they usually pursue and who they actually might be compatible with is farther apart than seasons of curb your enthusiasm.

don’t let them hook you up with a friend

basically, if someone hits you with the…

“hey, bud. even though i think you’re great, we will never, ever, ever be a romantic match. if “us never hooking up” were “being a gay man that straight men can openly admit to find entertaining” it’d be neil patrick harris. on the brightside, i have a much less attractive friend who, if they could ever get past the fact that i’m passive-aggressively implying that i’m better than them because i think they might be into someone i’ve personally found unworthy, might be a good match for you. are you interested?”

…punch them in the f*cking face

lastly,

don’t forget that you’re competing

while you shouldn’t have to openly pursue for another person’s affection, remember that every unattached person is in indirect competition for each other. basically, you need to bring something to the table other than just being a nice person.

sh*t, leather couches are nice, but i’ll continue to sit, sleep, spill sh*t, and fart on them until one of them gives me a convincing reason to date em

thats it for now. people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? is nice and black woman an oxymoron? is there any advice you’d give to “nice” guys and girls, or is “being too nice” just a tactful way of saying “not hot enough”?

lastly, do nice guys truly finish last, or is that concept just game devised by a smart-ass not-s0-nice guy to get sympathy panties?

the carpet is yours and sh*t

—the champ

the v test

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forget about the bar, the mcats, the gre, the act, sat, psat, pssa, pap smear, and breathalyzer, the v test is the most important test any relationship minded woman can possibly ever take. despite this scientific fact, an alarming number of young women consistently fail this examination, with scores sagging and lagging behind like thongs on assless snizzles

what is the v test, you ask? well, its actually quite simple:

if you didn’t have a vagina, if you woke up tommorrow morning and was somehow rendered completely vagina-less, would any guy still want to be cool with you?

maybe its the fault of socialization. maybe its biological, or maybe its just a cultural thing. who knows. all i do know is that 9 times out of 10, when a woman is unhideous and can still get no consistent sincere male attention, it has nothing to do with the lack of available male prospects or men being intimidated by them (ha!) and their degrees and everything to do with the fact that they’re just boring ass people. boring, boring, boring, boring. boring as the f*ck. boring ass people with nothing to offer in a romantic relationship other than an occasionally wet vajayjay, a professional resume, and nice shoes.

thing is, admittedly, this isn’t always their fault. many women have been trained to think of their vaginas as prized possessions (which i agree with) and that men must prove themselves worthy to get the opportunity to sign their names on the lease (a fact i also agree with).

when this mindset is taken to the extreme though, a little thing called “personality” tends to get neglected, creating a species of walking, talking, vagina zombies (ie: “hobbyless hoes”)…a monolithic mass of meandering and monotonus monsters, their dead eyes and vapidness literally boring unsuspecting people to death.

you know, this actually ties into the reasoning behind the fact that most men don’t believe in platonic friendship. it has nothing to do with our “uncontrollable penises” and everything to do with the fact that many men consider being cool with a vagina-less woman to be as pointless as tits on a bull.

“what possible reason do i have to be cool with her if i’m not f*cking or at least trying to f*ck?”.

before you charge me with being sexist, lemme remind you that many women also feel this way about themselves.  this feeling is perfectly embodied in the skepticism a typical gf possesses when finding out that their mate might have a female friend or two.

“if you’re not f*cking her or at least trying to f*ck, what possible reason do you have to be cool with her??? i mean, she’s a freakin woman for chrissakes!!! what likeable qualities could she possibly possess???”

(if you’re still a bit cynical about this pandemic of personal p*ssy pedestaling and personality neglect, do a little experiment tommorrow. ask five men to name the five funniest people they know personally, and then ask five women the exact same question, and report the results back in the comments. i know exactly how the results are going to turn out, but i want you all to do this anyway)

so, you ask, how does a woman pass the v test? easily actually.

be funny.

do things.

learn shit.

masturbate frequently.

***i’m including this because women who happily admit to never masturbating usually are also vagina zombies. basically, if you’re over 22 and still feel awkward about “popping the pepsi can“, then kill yourself, resuscitate yourself, and kill yourself again***

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—the champ