Tag Archives: honesty

Is This True, Does It Happen?

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What they don't tell you is that this exit leads you to the same cliff the Segway guy visited. For the last time.

Here’s another oldie, but goodie:

1. Women all claim that they just want a man to be honest.

2. Women not only cannot handle it, but generally aren’t built to handle the truth.

Ladies, from your tushy, remove the thong. At least let me tell you why I’m this way, hold on.

This past Friday evening I got into a most interesting conversation with some very attractive women. You know, just another day in the PJs.

Pun.

As is standard at this point in life, we started talking about relationships and somewhere along the way the conversation took the, “I just wish men would be more honest about their intentions” route. You know how this story goes, “If a man is only interested in sex with me, he should just say that. Who knows, I might feel the same way.”

Myself and the other hombre partaking in this conversation immediately were like…”eh, no. You think you want him to say that, but you don’t.” I don’t remember exactly how the whole convo went but that was the beginning of a whirlwind of zodiac sign revelations, psychoanalysis, and good clean fun. Yay.

It was a fun convo to say the least. I’m also pretty sure she showed me her feet. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, but sharing is caring.

The convo got me to thinking about how many women I’ve encountered who swear that they wish men would just man up and be real. And while that sounds good in theory, I don’t actually believe nary woman would ever want to hear that. Okay, maybe not nary, but whatever the step before nary is…perhaps nan? Me no know. And here’s why:

1. Being that brutally honest about wanting sex seems like it would have the exact opposite affect

I was told that maybe that’s what women want too. Ok. Alright. True as that might be, hearing a man reduce you to nothing more than sex, no matter how witty he may do it, generally has the effect of drying up more panties a paraplegic man waving a blow dryer in Cairo. Most women’s immediate reaction is one of rejection and, “what, I have two drinks and I’m a akaholik now?” “so what, are you saying that I’m not good enough?” Which again…Sahara. Very very very few women are going to straight up be in agreement with whatever dude is proposing. I’m not saying that it can’t happen, just that it’s more unlikely than Bobby Brown just saying no.

And here’s something else. As a man, our goal is pretty much getting a chick nude. Not always the sole focus, but definitely part of the focus. We’re taught via our experiences that approaching a woman on some sexy time game usually leads to solo wanging. Telling a woman that while you think she’s cool you don’t really want more but would be interested in some smangage sounds like the WORST advice  you could give somebody ever. For most of us, it’s not worth the risk. Sure we may never taste the secret, but we don’t want to reduce our chance to zero percent either. The only time it is ever a good idea is if the dude really couldn’t give dos equis about whether or not he were to see those boobs ever.

2. I don’t think most women can actually handle it (like I said at the top of the hour)

Feel free to tell me that I’m wrong, but I think it’s fairly common knowledge that people only really want but so much truth in their lives. We can sugar coat and call it different stuff all we want, but nobody wants to hear the truth all that time. Lie to me. Then use me up. One of the ladies that was part of the convo told us about some dude she lied to when he asked her about the last time she’d gone out on a date. Why? Because she wanted to avoid the potential convo that was coming. So men and women do it. We decide what’s important for other people to know. In the above situation, if she had told dude that he’d gone on a date the day before, he might have gotten pissed and got in his feelings. Maybe he would have stopped dealing with her. Fine with her, hell she was on a date the night before.

Try that with a woman. Tell her that you went out with somebody else the day before. Not only will she generally get in her feelings, she’s going to want explanations about where you both stand, where you both sit, sitting or standing?, where did they go, was he ever going to tell her, is she special, was Ray Charles there…you get the point, a woman’s head is likely to explode PLUS after she’s done putting dude thru the (potentially legit….potentially) wringer, she’s going to take that to her homegirls. By the time it’s all said and done, I’m fairly sure Brick will have killed a guy. Telling a woman real truth very rarely ends there, especially when it comes to the use of their bodies as a drop box.

Point is everybody loses when you tell women the truth.

BAZINGA.

So good people of VSB, let’s tell some truth up in the #poolpit today. Fellas, have you ever successfully told a woman that all you wanted was some sticky icky and she was like, “cool”? Ladies, would you really be okay with a man doing that?

Do women (and hell men too) REALLY want the truth?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DIAMONDS IN MY NECKLACE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, andFighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Liz’s boobs to fix it)

My Downfall: I Just Can’t Do It

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There are many things in life that I’m good at. Being sexxy is one of them. Being gangsta is another. Impekabul spelling is another. In fact, if we were to sit here and list all of my various talents and amazing abilities, we’d be here all day, and all night.

Me? I set the game ablaze. I’m an Arcade Fire.

One time at bandcamp, I kilt me a bear, while writing a speech for Abraham Lincoln’s descendant Wood N. Lincoln-Log, AND saving a litter of muggle kittens from a burning inferno. Yes, I’m that bad a man. See, I’m good at sh*t. Being good at sh*t is what I do.

Except, I suck at a few things. And when I say I suck, I mean that I reaaaaaally suck at these things. In the spirit of sharing and community building, I thought it only proper to share with you all the things that make me human. So as an act of altruistic equalitarianism, here are some things I absolutely suck at.

Sharing is caring.

1. Eating cupcakes

This is embarassing but, for real for real, I’m handicapped at eating cupcakes. I start eating a cupcake and the sh*t falls apart. Crumbs tumble everywhere. The damn wrapping collapses onto itself. My fingers have icing all over them while I have to contort my body in odd angles just to make sure I actually can take a bite since apparently I like to eat cupcakes from the inside out. No pr0n. And none of this would be an issue if it didn’t seem like everybody else DID know how to eat a cupcake. I don’t know how I missed those classes but I’m definitely remedial when it comes to cupcake consumption. The worst part is that I keep eating them. I’ll see a cupcake, KNOW I don’t know what I’m doing and will still go through my 12 step process. Here’s the kicker, because I suck at eating them, I never finish them because I always finish the part with icing and I don’t just want the cake part.

Le sigh.

2. Drawing simple things

Even my stick figures look ‘flicted. I was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse one day and Mickey Mouse drew himself with a bowl. Yep, three circles, and a few extra lines and voila, Mickey Mouse face. Do you know I purposefully tried to do that and ended up drawing what looked like a cross between Quasimoto and Wesley Snipes? But you know what I didn’t draw? Mickey Mouse. Somehow I can draw crackheads but somthing with a simple shape like a circle is completely out of bounds. I’m not saying that my parents are disappointed in me, but they don’t like to talk about my existence.

3. Paying attention

It’s not personal, but if you have a really long story to tell, you’re going to lose me. I have the attention span of a stripper dealing with a broke baller. Early. I have a form of ADD that loses interest in most people’s long winded stories. I suck at meetings. I’ll be paying attention for as long as I can and then next thing you know, my mind has wandered into what the weather’s like outside…in fact, you need an example don’t you? Sure you do. Let me re-enact Panama’s train of thought.

Envision: Meeting About Needing New Supplies For The Office (no no, no no that would never happen)

Okay, we need some new paper because we’re running out of paper which makes sense if you think about considering how ridiculously ungreen these people are in this office with their gas guzzling Priuses which I actually think are more harmful to the environment than Hummers since I can at least HEAR a damn Hummer coming down the street but if you aren’t careful you’ll get run over by a Prius because the prick driving it likes to run up on people because he knows we can hear the car kind of like Shaq couldn’t stop the reign which doesn’t make any sense, kind of like it doesn’t make any sense that Shaq managed to get verses from Biggie AND make a Michael Jackson album even if it was HIStory Volume 1….come to think of it, what the hell happened to volume two…hm…guess we won’t get be getting that…MJ dead…SHAMON…what did he just say to me about placing an order…f*ck it, fake it til you make it…(outloud) I need six.

Yeah, I think that about covers it.

Ladies and gentlemen, of the jury, this case is pure biship. But it’s not a lie. I suck at certain things. But I shared with you because I love you.

Community builders, let’s examine our ooopsies. It’s Friday at VSB…

…what do you suck at?

Come and talk to me. No Dalvin.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

nothing but the truth

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ostrich

imagine that you’re in a perfectly happy relationship.

but, a deadly combination of an unusually stressful week (you just got demoted at work for a monkey. not a figurative monkey either. your boss decided that placing a real, live monkey in your old position would be more productive than keeping you there. and, after a couple of days, you realized that he was right. plus, you’re a redskins fan, and the monkey oddly favors jason campbell), an unusually compassionate blind blasian stripper, and an unusually strong ultimate zombie pushed you off the cheating cliff once three months ago.

yet, there’s no residual damage (std’s, torn hamstrings, m.s.c.s.r.’s¹ etc), no evidence (the blind stripper is afflicted with the same condition as guy pierce in memento, a fact which made them a quite sympathetic lay), and, most importantly, absolutely no chance that you’ll ever do it again. you’re happy, you have no need or desire to ever step out of your relationship again, the thought of what you did fills you with guilt and regret, and there’s no chance that your wife will ever find out on her own.²

usually, this is the part of the blog where i’d ask the women of vsb some open-ended question about honesty and full-disclosure and whether they’d want their significant others to divulge that information to them, while ending my query with some theory about what your answer really says about you.

and, i was actually planning on doing exactly that, until i realized that the vast majority of you all would probably just end up saying some variant of “actually, sometimes its best not to know everything. i wouldn’t want to know“…and you’d be right

although the idea of choosing to be willfully ignorant initially wouldn’t sit too well with most of you, you’d eventually realize that your naiveté is actually the most optimal and rewarding solution in this situation, considering the unique circumstances. there’s really no good reason to be made aware of this info. “plus”, you’d be thinking to yourself, “his guilty conscience would be his punishment, no need to upset myself about it too.”, and this would be a perfectly mature and pragmatic response

but…what if the stripper was a man?

¹ miscelleaneous strip club skunky residue
² filing entire entry under “topics men currently in relationships probably shouldn’t blog about, for obvious reasons“, and by “men currently in relationships”, i mean “i”

—the champ

www.zipit.com

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It’s Friday.

Last week while I was watching MTV Jams, they were running a segment that inspired today’s post.

But it wouldn’t make any sense for me to just tell you what they were doing.  I’m Panama.  I’m sexxy.  I must add some flair.  Some joie de vivre.  Make ‘em say ugh.

Na Na Na Na.

Most men screw up their opportunities to sheath their sword with simple words.  You meet a woman who’s decided that she’ll let you bed her and then you say something stupid like, “hey shawty, whatcho’ name iya?”

Desertnuts.

It’s much more difficult for a woman to mess up her chances for a little li*kemhighli*kemlow.  But it is possible.  Call your man’s mother a “fat whore” and see what happens.

Either way, the fact that mere words can ruin a night got me to thinking (as well as watching MTV Jams) about things that you should just never tell your man/woman.  Oh yes, b*tches, there are definitely some things you should never tell your significant other.

Some people believe that honesty is the best policy.  I’ve already stated before that I’m not 100 percent on board with that assessment.  People say they want the truth, but that’s not really true.  People want some version of the truth.  You know what, I think that people just don’t want to be lied to.  That doesn’t mean they want the truth either.  Unless of course you consider non-truths as lies, in which case what does that make omission?

All I know is that possession is 4/3 of the law and that Doggystyle is a classic album.

And so it goes.

So in the spirit of honesty, let’s discuss some things that you should NEVER tell your significant other UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE:

1)    You should never tell them that you’re attracted to their sibling or friends.

There is nothing good that can come of this and they’ll never trust you around them again.  If you tell your SO that you think his brother is a motherf*cking stallion looking Negro, you can’t be mad if you get disinvited to all family functions.  My brothas…don’t EVER tell your girl that you’d slob down her sister…or her mother.

Hell her mother might be one of the cougars that read VSB.com.

2)    You should never tell them that you’re a crackhead.

This would seem to go without explanation but you know some people go dumb real quick.  And I ain’t talking ridin’ the short bus dumb.  Well, actually I am, unless you’re from Oakland in which case, I’m just talking about being stupid – I don’t think that means anything fun.

Fact is, nobody wants to date a crackhead.  But if they just think you’re a crackhead you might buy yourself some time – that is until you sell it…for more crack.  One of my boys used to date this Asian chick.  Everytime we’d go to her house we’d always notice the light dusting that always seemed to blanket the apartment.  It looked like everything always had an extra layer of white for some reason.

It’s what I envisioned Michael Irving’s wedding looked like.

3)    You should never tell your SigOther that you engaged in a homosexual act.

We’ve talked about this before in some fashion.  If you are a dude and you went gay one night and never returned, just keep it to yourself.  Seriously.  It won’t go over well.  No way.  No how.  If you’re a woman it will probably be okay, but you never know.  Some men don’t want to envision their woman chomping on textured cut-pile.

It’s true.  Oh yeah, it’s true.

So my good friends, I laid out a few no-brainers.  Let’s delve, shall we?  Yes let’s.

What are some things you shouldn’t tell your significant other under any circumstance?

Speak on it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Warning: Bad For Your Health.

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You know what conversation I’ll never have with my girlfriend?  Give up?  Good.  I’ll never have the conversation where we discuss my “rating” of her.

There are bad ideas in life and then there are TERRIBLE BUBONIC PLAGUE AND SYPHILLIS bad ideas.  Discussing your rating of any close friends of yours is definitely one of them.  File it in with shooting yourself in the left testicle/breasticle as “things you should avoid at all costs.”

Hmm…but Panama…why is it such a bad idea?

I’m glad you asked.  Let’s think about this.

We’ve already discussed platonic friends so let’s just run with the idea that men don’t have platonic friends – we just have friends we haven’t slept with…yet.

[***DISCLAIMER: I don’t have those types of friends.  All of my female friends are platonic!!!!  You read that, baby?  Did you? Did you??? (Yes my girlfriend both reads and responds on VSB.com)***]

So assuming that men don’t have platonic friends and that for the most part we just want to see women naked (and let’s pretend Kamilah’s story and her two homeboys’ response was an anomaly), why is this a bad idea?

For a few reasons, actually.  For one, there is no right answer to this question.   She won’t believe you for two.  You can’t tell her you think she’s a 10 because of course you’re lying and she knows your lying because she knows she’s not a 10 because despite her thinking she’s perfect she KNOWS she’s not and you telling her that she’s a dime is just placating her and trying to get into her goodiebox.

And women aren’t stupid.  They know when we’re just saying what they want to hear.  Which is interesting if you think about it.  I don’t think most women want to hear the truth, but they also don’t want to hear a lie.  Women just like voices.

Conversely, if you tell your homegirl that she’s a 7 then you have to explain to her why she’s not a 10.  And trust me, broham, you DO NOT WANT TO explain to a woman you’re trying to see naked what you think is wrong with her.

There are two truisms in life.  One:  Black men are highly sensitive, especially if they’re from LA.  Two:  Nothing makes a chick more defensive (read: less likely to sleep with you) than hearing about what YOU think are her imperfections.  She may say that she appreciates that you’re honest with her…and perhaps she does, but it still stings to hear that you think she’d be so much hotter if she, ya know, got a different face and added a couple SOLO cups to her breast size..and not to mention that weird twitch her right eyebrow seems to do on Thursdays.  And trust me pimpin’, you’ll HAVE to have this conversation because she isn’t letting it go, hombre.

You may just want to give her the rating and keep it moving.  I know I do.  I see a chick, I rate a chick, I scratch myself, and I keep it moving.  Ain’t a woman alive that is going to say, “You think I’m a 7…cool.  What’s on TV?”

Further, if you tell her she’s a 6, you might hurt her feelings (read: no drawz).  If you tell her that she’s an 8, she may be happy but she’ll want to know what she would need to do to become a 10 to which you should just reply:

“Become hotter.” And then throw something at her to change the subject.

Tell a chick she’s a 9?  Sheeeeeeeeeeit.  You might as well get ready to spend your afternoon convincing her that you actually mean it AND telling her what she’d need to do to become a 10.

The bottom line is that you never want to have to tell a woman her flaws unless she specifically asks about them because it will never end well.  It just…is.

It was written.

Word.Life.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST