The Miami Heat won the NBA championship tonight, and Lebron James sealed the deal with one of the best elimination games ever played. I am very happy about this. I’m also aware that there are very many people very unhappy about this. Some of these very unhappy people have been obnoxiously vocal for quite a while. Naturally, it is very tempting to tease, mock, and ridicule them.
Happy Heat fan or not, we’ve all been in this situation way before, where something goes your way, shutting up an avalanche of (I hate using this word, but no other word is appropriate) haters. But, while everything in you wants to scream “I TOLD YOU SO, MOTHERF*CKERS!!!” you know that might not be completely appropriate…and you want to do something a little more subtle to twist the knife even more.
How exactly do you get the most out of your gloating experience, while still maintaining a level of grown-upness? Good question. Fortunately, I have some answers.
1. When first encountering a hater after your successful endeavor, they hater will expect you to gloat. Why? Well, that’s what he would do. You’re better than that, though, so make sure to talk about any and everything except what he expects you to talk about.
Why? Well, true haters are reflexively defensive, and they’re waiting for you to gloat just so they can do or say something dismissive. But, if you talk to them and don’t bring up your successful endeavor at all, they won’t know what to do with themselves, and it may even cause headaches, drowsiness, and random bouts of incontinence.
2. If still interacting with your hater, give back-handed compliments and acknowledgements while adopting the most sincere demeanor you can muster.
Example: “Being so close to winning has to help motivate you during this long summer, right? I seriously envy the fire you must have right now. I wish I had it too.”
3. Give an unnecessarily generous amount of credit to the people in the way of you achieving your goal, while making sure the hater is in earshot.
Let’s say you’re in the office talking to a colleague the day after you finally received that big promotion you’ve been hoping for, and the dude who’s been the leader of the “anti-you” camp is in the next cubicle, silently steaming.
You: “I mean, I know I got the job, but wow, there were some great candidates. I have no idea why they’d even pick me. All praise to Allah.”
Co-worker: “You deserved it, man. I’m proud of you.”
You: “I’ve really been blessed, you know? The other day at church, as I prayed for the other candidates, I asked God to be fair and just pick the right person for the job.”
Co-worker: “Church? Didn’t you just say all praise to Allah?”
You: “Yeah, I did. Sorry. These blessings Buddha continues to bestow on me just have me all discombobulated. As good as God is, I don’t see how anyone can have any hate in their heart after bathing in His glory.”
4. After a couple days have passed and the hater thinks he has somehow managed to escape the gloat, make sure to look like this…
…every time you see him.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)