How To Please Your Mate And Sh*t

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I can't stop farting. I think it's that coconut water."

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stop farting. I think it’s that coconut water.”

1. Make decisions for him.

“Her planning an entire day with me knowing nothing about it. As someone who makes majority of the decisions this would be nice.”

2. Give him compliments.

“i think you look sexy when you clean the gutters….”

“Have you seen your butt when you take out the trash?”

“I love it when you can open jars.”

“my girlfriend called me handsome 3 months ago and it still makes me feel like a stud.”

3. Wash him.

“Trust me, it will wash the stress away, relax his mind, fill him with amazing thoughts, and fill him with deep appreciation.”

4. Provide him with sustenance.

“A DVD of Blazing Saddles and a BBQ chicken pizza.”

“I once said I want a caprisun when my girlfriend came home from a girls night. Now she brings one everytime. I guess remembering little things is what makes me feel great about her.”

“random Nestle Crunch”

“case of beer and a bag of potato chips.”

“Tacos. Like, I want to have a Saturday where we’re driving to the mall or something, and suddenly she pulls out a whole tray of tacos from under the seat and is all like ‘SUPRISE! TACOS’ and then we would eat tacos.”

“Muffins. Delicious home made muffins.”

“Chocolate cake and a bottle of whiskey.”

These quotes are from Jezebel’s The Foolproof Reddit Guide to Pleasing Your Mana collection of responses to a woman who wanted to do something nice for her boyfriend, and turned to AskReddit for men’s advice. As you can see, the quotes ran from the surprisingly mundane to the hilariously specific. (I’m not even a huge fan of tacos, but a taco surprise date would be one of the three best things that ever happened to me.)

Yet, they each had a common theme: Simple

I know it’s a stereotype that men are these walking, talking, and bleching tunnel-visioned nincompoops who don’t need more than pancakes and random dusk fellatio to keep us happy, but this is generally true. Somewhat misleading—these simple ways to make men happy only work if he’s already generally happy with the woman he’s with—but still true.

You know what else is true? Women are simple too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Women are complex and difficult and bipolar and unique and moody and volatile and nuanced and special and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, when it comes to putting a smile on a woman’s face, I think we (men) have a tendency to forget that they love the same things we do (sex, occasional silence, surprise tacos, etc), but the path to mutual happiness could be as simple as “You hit the snooze button on her alarm this morning so she wouldn’t have to reach over you and do it. She’ll now be able to sleep 14 minutes longer than she usually does. This made her happy, morning happiness makes her horny, and now she’ll want to f*ck you.”

Anyway people of VSB, I’m curious. What little and “simple” things can your significant other do (or not do) to put a smile on your face? 

-–Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

No, You Don’t “Deserve” Happiness Or Love Or…

Friend of The Champ, said with the type of lip-quivering pseudo-melodramatic affect usually reserved for Deltas too late for drink specials and Olivia Pope: “So, you don’t want me to be…happy?”

The Champ: “I didn’t say that.”

“You just said I don’t deserve happiness.”

“I know.”

“Ok…don’t try that Jedi Mind Trick shit with me. I’m smarter than you. My credit score proves it.”

“What are you not understanding?”

“I said I deserve to be happy. You said that I don’t deserve happiness. Now, you’re denying that you don’t want me to be happy. You’re not making any sense. Neither you nor your stupid car.”

“Me saying that you don’t deserve happiness has nothing to do with whether I want you to be happy. As your friend, I want you to be happy as shit. All I’m saying is that you don’t deserve it.”

“Why not? Why don’t I deserve to be f*cking happy? I go to church. I read. I recycle. Why not me?”

“That’s the thing. It’s not personal. No one deserves happiness. Not me. Not you. Not anyone.”

“What?”

“If happiness happens, fine! Great! Throw a party, and eat a f*cking happiness cookie. But, no one actually deserves it.”

“You’re sounding real Catholic right now.”

“And you’re sounding real…American.”

“Huh?”

“Forget that I just said that. Anyway, happiness isn’t something that we’re entitled to. The only thing we deserve is the opportunity to pursue happiness. But, happiness itself isn’t something that we’re supposed to get.”

“Here we go…”

“I know you think I’m playing another semantics game, but more than just the word “deserve” is the mindset behind it. Lemme put it this way. There are things that we definitely “deserve.” If you do a job for a set rate of pay, you deserve to get paid that amount. If you order food at a restaurant, you deserve to have that food delivered to you, and you also deserve for that food to be edible. But, you don’t deserve to like your job, and you don’t deserve to enjoy your food. Happiness, love, sex…all of those are extras. Since you’re American, you deserve liberty and freedom and french fries and shit. You are entitled to these things because they’re part of your American rights. But, there’s a reason the Bill of Rights or whatever the f*ck promises the pursuit of happiness instead of just plain ole happiness. Nothing you or anyone has ever done entitles them to be happy. Or in love. Or in a relationship. We think we deserve the extras—we think these things are supposed to happen to us—but while we can expect them or strive for them or even work for them, we don’t deserve them. ”

“I think you deserve to get shanked right now.”

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

That’s That Sh*t I Do Like.

So yesterday I wrote about how underwhelmed I’ve been with a lot of music lately. Boo hoo ninja. Boo hoo. And while that may be true there are lots of sh*ts that I do like. Not just music either. There are books and movies and *SQUIRREL*…

….like I was saying, there are lots of things that make me happy in life. So since it is Friday and since our community has opened their hearts and wallets to help us with a project we’re working on, I figured that we’d end this week on a positive note.

So here are some things that make Panama a happy man in life. And yes this will be random. And no, this won’t all make sense, but yes, that’s how I roll. Picture me rollin’.

1. Their Eyes Were Watching God (the book, not the movie)

This is my favorite book ever. There was a time, you know, when I used to read books, that I’d read this book, along with Ayn Rand’s Anthem (another favorite) every year. So it’s no surprise that the movie that Oprah produced pissed me off more than President Grant’s wife after he told her she was ornamental, and not functional. By the way, there can’t be any worse dis ever to your spouse than to just tell them that they’re only ornamental. Just callin’ ‘em Christmas and being all disrespectful. What was I talking about again? Oh yes, my favorite book is Their Eyes Were Watching God. Zora put her foot all in this book.

2. Sprinkles on ice cream

Judge me. But there’s something about sprinkles that makes me happy and want to hug armadillo cubs and orphans from those adoption commercials. I have purchased my own thing of sprinkles so that I can put them on my ice cream at any time. They so pretty.

3. McDonald’s frozen strawberry lemonade

Confession time: I have no idea how to drink those damn things without getting the freezer burn problem. Or whatever you call it.

4. Milo and Otis’s album The Joy

We covered that yesterday.

5. Fresh white-tees

I love buying new packs of white t-shirts. There’s something classicly fly about a white tee.

6. Chuck Taylors

Over the course of my life, I’ve probably had at least 50 different pairs of Chucks. A few years ago, I donated like 50 pair of shoes to The Salvation Army. I still have like 5 pairs. Which I realize isn’t a lot. But it’s a lot for a small time fella from a big city. Or a Good Kid in a M.A.A.D. city.

7. 2 Chainz & Kanye West “Birthday Song” video

I used to hate this video but now I absolutely love it for its sheer ridiculousness. There are few videos who take the most wonton idea and turn it into a video full of non-sense and big booty hoes. This video achieved such goodness.

8. The Doors

“Light My Fire”, the 7-minute extened version, is one of my favorite records ever. Come to think of it, so is “Break On Through”. While they’re mostly just uber popular songs, they are uber popular for a reason.

9. The Terminal

It’s not one of my favorite movies, but the scene where Viktor explains to what’s her face why he is in NYC and waiting so long. Well it nearly brought tears to my eyes the first time and every subsequent time as well. That was real love. And it made me happy.

10. The Big Bang Theory

This is just my show and it makes me happy.

Well that’s 10 things that Panama does indeed like. He likes them enough to speak in third person and share random palindrome’s with you: a man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

So what makes you truly happy in life? Daddy Mack tells us on Kris Kross groundbreaking second album, Da Bomb, that they’ve got a lot to live for…but its all better if you’re happy.

What’s your happiness?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HAPPS WILL MAKE HER DANCE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

We’d like to send another round of shout outs and thank yous to the people who’ve contributed to our project financially, who have supported us, and those who visit every day! Thanks for sleepwalking!

Marguerite Matthews
Bianca Bellock
Kisha Jones
Whitney Barnes
Vanessa Harris
Willis Liao
Bryce Schramm
Katherine Lenhart
Jerome Watson
Alyson Powell

hakuna matata: two surefire ways to ensure your happiness

last week, p’s buddy maverick gave us a bit of insight on a few tricks men use to combat women’s eternal battle against our happiness.

yet, although women continue to conduct the anti-happiness train, both genders are represented equally onboard. not so surprisingly, Educated Blacks are taking up a disproportionate amount of aisle space, annoying the rest of the passengers with our toxic pretentiousness and patchouli scented sigma brands

today, as resident vsb happiness guru, i’ve decided to share a couple ways we all can be a part of the march to contentment, merriment, and joy. without further ado and sh*t, here are two surefire ways to ensure your happiness.

1. be nice.

no, seriously. you’re not hearing me.

be. nice.

as i’ve mentioned before, i relish the opportunity to take public transportation. because my job requires me to drive around the county several times a month, i look forward to the mornings when i can roll out of bed, spray some escada sentiment, bite a waffle, drink a vitamin water™, and subtly flirt with the legions of unmarried cat ladies taking the eba to work.

because i usually catch the bus at the same time, i’ll usually see the same couple of drivers, and we’ll usually share pleasantries about the weather, the steelers, or our shared frustration with asian college students and their puzzling lack of peripheral vision.¹

anyway, while rushing out the door a few mornings ago, i forgot to grab a couple loose bills for the bus. i didnt realize this until boarding, though, but the man behind the wheel said it was aiight.

“naw, dog. don’t worry about it. we cool”

now, there are myriad possible reasons for his benevolence. maybe he was just having a good morning, due to some good gotdamn. maybe he was high. maybe he was so transfixed by the paula patton doppleganger boarding ahead of me that he was too distracted to even care. who knows?

all i do know is that i can’t rule out the possibility that the superficial morning relationship i have with him made him more likely to excuse my forgetfulness.

point being: being genuinely nice without an ulterior motive makes life easier for you, and an easier life has a funny way of cultivating happiness.

2. let it go

this goes for all inane grudges, conspiracy theories, grievances, resentments, animosities, animuses, hatreds, loathings, farts, replusions, and any other irrelevant stressors you can name. nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t. i repeat, nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t. nobody. not a soul. thespace between “the” and “space” represents the amount of people who care about your bullsh*t.

if “not caring about your bullsh*t” were “strangely trying your hardest to convince the entire world that you’re homosexual, even though you’re not“, the “rest of the world” would be kanye f*cking west.

if you don’t believe me, ask 20 random people tomorrow if they care about you and your bullsh*t, and let me know if you receive any answers that aren’t variants of “what? who? hell no. just shut up and make my fries”.

because nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t, what sense does it make to allow you and your bullsh*t to ruin your infinitesimal time on earth? 100 years from now, when you’re the dust underneath the president solange statue outside the white house, what difference will it have made that your boss steals your sharpened pencils from your desk before staff meetings?²

i know i’m not the only happy motherf***er here. happy people of vsb, help the rest of us get off the train: what else would you suggest?

¹can someone tell me why they never look before crossing the street? does this even occur in other cities, or is the burgh just the place were asian students with death wishes matriculate?
²this used to happen to me, and, to be honest, i still haven’t gotten over it.

—the champ

Last Night.

Since we’ve started doing this site, the concept of sleeping with somebody on the first night has come up various times and in various ways.  Even in Monday’s post, the idea that a woman who gives it up on the first night being a ho came up.  I tend to disagree with this sentiment but many men and women alike (though its more women who feel like this) think that a woman who’s tossing the drawz on the floor within 4 hours of the beginning of a date just might be a tad loose.

Being the defining information source that we are here at VSB.com, I figured we may as well discuss what’s really hood about giving it up on the first night.  Does this make you a trollop?  Or merely a woman who knows what she wants out of life?

If a man gives it up on the first night…does anybody even care or should he be saving his special parts for a special lady?!

Special parts is funny.

The most scientific way to determine whether or not giving it up on the first night is a good or bad is to do a simple cost-benefit analysis – pros and cons, if you will.

PROS

  1. Duh, you get some on the first night – how can you not respect somebody who gives you what you really want in the first place?  i mean the sole goal of most dating is to hopefully see somebody naked at some point, and voila, you get that front and center.
  2. It’s one hell of an icebreaker - Most dates begin with a little bit of awkwardness as a couple attempts to get to know one another.  What better way to research somebody than to, ya know, search someone?  If you can’t find anything else to talk about after you see each other naked, then you only cost yourself one date and you can go on about your lives.  Woohoo for brevity of wackness.
  3. Everybody’s happy - Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everybody was just happier in general?  And here we have two people who are generally happier because they let their hormones do all of the work for them.  You can’t beat physiology.  You just can’t.
  4. You save money - Do you realize how much money you can save by taking the first date to the boudoir instead of the movies?  What with ticket prices and popcorn going through the roof these days, he/she is probably SAVING you at least 40 bucks, minus the cost of some condoms (safety first people!).  I mean it is a recession and all.  Savings are not to be looked at lightly.
  5. Full information – Women will know what they’re working with and whether or not to keep dude employed or fire him on the spot for being under qualified.

CONS

  1. They gave it up on the first night - to quote the late great Tupac, “baby I don’t want it if its that easy”.  Though chances are I probably do, I’m still wondering how many other men have run up in you with minimal effort.  I’ll spend the next day wondering if it took the last guy 4 hours and dinner or should I have just pulled out my schlong, put it on your shoulder and said, “you know what to do.”  Could be none; could be 100.  Nobody wants to think about stuff like that.
  2. For women, it can be nervewracking – I’m guessing since most women tend to spend a lot of time hoping that the men they went out with are still interested in general, I can only guess that knowing he has little yet to aspire to would send the anxiety to N.A.S.A. like levels.  Will he call?  Does he still like me?  Will he think I’m a tramp?  What woman really wants to spend her time doing that when there is food to cook and dishes to wash.  I kid. I kid.
  3. Ain’t had time to get tested – In today’s day and age of disease and infection, sleeping with somebody too quickly poses way too many risks.  Everybody with herpes isn’t riding horses and smiling.   Some people actually hate having STDs.
  4. Hard to top - If you do it all on the first date, what is there really to look forward to for the next date?  As far as dude’s concerned, every nights a Blockbuster Night.  I imagine it would suck to be trying to get to know somebody who kept asking about what color panties you had on.

So, what say you?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?  Are there more pros and cons?

What’s the verdict?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

Admin. Note:  For those persons in the DC area or coming to DC for the Inauguration, my club is having The Wonderfull Party hosting by Bobbito Garcia and DJ Spinna on Monday, January 19th.  It’s a dance party featuring nothing but Stevie Wonder music.  It’s honestly the best party I’ve ever been too at my club.  Good vibe, good music, good people and you’d be surprised at how much music Stevie made that could rock a club.  And it’s probably the cheapest party at $30 in advance – most parties are going for the $100-$150 range.  Click here for more information.