Tag Archives: happiness

hakuna matata: two surefire ways to ensure your happiness

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last week, p’s buddy maverick gave us a bit of insight on a few tricks men use to combat women’s eternal battle against our happiness.

yet, although women continue to conduct the anti-happiness train, both genders are represented equally onboard. not so surprisingly, Educated Blacks are taking up a disproportionate amount of aisle space, annoying the rest of the passengers with our toxic pretentiousness and patchouli scented sigma brands

today, as resident vsb happiness guru, i’ve decided to share a couple ways we all can be a part of the march to contentment, merriment, and joy. without further ado and sh*t, here are two surefire ways to ensure your happiness.

1. be nice.

no, seriously. you’re not hearing me.

be. nice.

as i’ve mentioned before, i relish the opportunity to take public transportation. because my job requires me to drive around the county several times a month, i look forward to the mornings when i can roll out of bed, spray some escada sentiment, bite a waffle, drink a vitamin water™, and subtly flirt with the legions of unmarried cat ladies taking the eba to work.

because i usually catch the bus at the same time, i’ll usually see the same couple of drivers, and we’ll usually share pleasantries about the weather, the steelers, or our shared frustration with asian college students and their puzzling lack of peripheral vision.¹

anyway, while rushing out the door a few mornings ago, i forgot to grab a couple loose bills for the bus. i didnt realize this until boarding, though, but the man behind the wheel said it was aiight.

“naw, dog. don’t worry about it. we cool”

now, there are myriad possible reasons for his benevolence. maybe he was just having a good morning, due to some good gotdamn. maybe he was high. maybe he was so transfixed by the paula patton doppleganger boarding ahead of me that he was too distracted to even care. who knows?

all i do know is that i can’t rule out the possibility that the superficial morning relationship i have with him made him more likely to excuse my forgetfulness.

point being: being genuinely nice without an ulterior motive makes life easier for you, and an easier life has a funny way of cultivating happiness.

2. let it go

this goes for all inane grudges, conspiracy theories, grievances, resentments, animosities, animuses, hatreds, loathings, farts, replusions, and any other irrelevant stressors you can name. nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t. i repeat, nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t. nobody. not a soul. thespace between “the” and “space” represents the amount of people who care about your bullsh*t.

if “not caring about your bullsh*t” were “strangely trying your hardest to convince the entire world that you’re homosexual, even though you’re not“, the “rest of the world” would be kanye f*cking west.

if you don’t believe me, ask 20 random people tomorrow if they care about you and your bullsh*t, and let me know if you receive any answers that aren’t variants of “what? who? hell no. just shut up and make my fries”.

because nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t, what sense does it make to allow you and your bullsh*t to ruin your infinitesimal time on earth? 100 years from now, when you’re the dust underneath the president solange statue outside the white house, what difference will it have made that your boss steals your sharpened pencils from your desk before staff meetings?²

i know i’m not the only happy motherf***er here. happy people of vsb, help the rest of us get off the train: what else would you suggest?

¹can someone tell me why they never look before crossing the street? does this even occur in other cities, or is the burgh just the place were asian students with death wishes matriculate?
²this used to happen to me, and, to be honest, i still haven’t gotten over it.

—the champ

Last Night.

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Since we’ve started doing this site, the concept of sleeping with somebody on the first night has come up various times and in various ways.  Even in Monday’s post, the idea that a woman who gives it up on the first night being a ho came up.  I tend to disagree with this sentiment but many men and women alike (though its more women who feel like this) think that a woman who’s tossing the drawz on the floor within 4 hours of the beginning of a date just might be a tad loose.

Being the defining information source that we are here at VSB.com, I figured we may as well discuss what’s really hood about giving it up on the first night.  Does this make you a trollop?  Or merely a woman who knows what she wants out of life?

If a man gives it up on the first night…does anybody even care or should he be saving his special parts for a special lady?!

Special parts is funny.

The most scientific way to determine whether or not giving it up on the first night is a good or bad is to do a simple cost-benefit analysis – pros and cons, if you will.

PROS

  1. Duh, you get some on the first night – how can you not respect somebody who gives you what you really want in the first place?  i mean the sole goal of most dating is to hopefully see somebody naked at some point, and voila, you get that front and center.
  2. It’s one hell of an icebreaker - Most dates begin with a little bit of awkwardness as a couple attempts to get to know one another.  What better way to research somebody than to, ya know, search someone?  If you can’t find anything else to talk about after you see each other naked, then you only cost yourself one date and you can go on about your lives.  Woohoo for brevity of wackness.
  3. Everybody’s happy - Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everybody was just happier in general?  And here we have two people who are generally happier because they let their hormones do all of the work for them.  You can’t beat physiology.  You just can’t.
  4. You save money - Do you realize how much money you can save by taking the first date to the boudoir instead of the movies?  What with ticket prices and popcorn going through the roof these days, he/she is probably SAVING you at least 40 bucks, minus the cost of some condoms (safety first people!).  I mean it is a recession and all.  Savings are not to be looked at lightly.
  5. Full information – Women will know what they’re working with and whether or not to keep dude employed or fire him on the spot for being under qualified.

CONS

  1. They gave it up on the first night - to quote the late great Tupac, “baby I don’t want it if its that easy”.  Though chances are I probably do, I’m still wondering how many other men have run up in you with minimal effort.  I’ll spend the next day wondering if it took the last guy 4 hours and dinner or should I have just pulled out my schlong, put it on your shoulder and said, “you know what to do.”  Could be none; could be 100.  Nobody wants to think about stuff like that.
  2. For women, it can be nervewracking – I’m guessing since most women tend to spend a lot of time hoping that the men they went out with are still interested in general, I can only guess that knowing he has little yet to aspire to would send the anxiety to N.A.S.A. like levels.  Will he call?  Does he still like me?  Will he think I’m a tramp?  What woman really wants to spend her time doing that when there is food to cook and dishes to wash.  I kid. I kid.
  3. Ain’t had time to get tested – In today’s day and age of disease and infection, sleeping with somebody too quickly poses way too many risks.  Everybody with herpes isn’t riding horses and smiling.   Some people actually hate having STDs.
  4. Hard to top - If you do it all on the first date, what is there really to look forward to for the next date?  As far as dude’s concerned, every nights a Blockbuster Night.  I imagine it would suck to be trying to get to know somebody who kept asking about what color panties you had on.

So, what say you?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?  Are there more pros and cons?

What’s the verdict?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

Admin. Note:  For those persons in the DC area or coming to DC for the Inauguration, my club is having The Wonderfull Party hosting by Bobbito Garcia and DJ Spinna on Monday, January 19th.  It’s a dance party featuring nothing but Stevie Wonder music.  It’s honestly the best party I’ve ever been too at my club.  Good vibe, good music, good people and you’d be surprised at how much music Stevie made that could rock a club.  And it’s probably the cheapest party at $30 in advance – most parties are going for the $100-$150 range.  Click here for more information.

Bamboo Earrings, At Least Two Pair

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Now last Friday, The Champ and I decided to open the floodgates and ask people what their dealbreakers were. Well I’ll be damned if nearly every possible dealbreaker wasn’t covered. Apparently, people know exactly what they don’t want in life.

That got us thinking though, what are the things we do want in a mate (or one night jumpoff that we mistakenly thought could be a mate)? Realize that we here at Very Smart Brothas, Inc. believe in not only highlighting the negatives, we also want you to share smiles and spread joy like Vanessa Del Rio.

You might not realize it, but that’s both a pun AND a double entendre.

See? Very. Smart. Brotha.

So without further adieu…

Panama’s Short (and soon to be expanded) List of Thangs He Like:

1) Nice hips – I don’t know what it is about a woman with finely shaped hips but ooooh I just wanna lay in her hair.

2) Smilers – I love me a woman with a pleasant disposition who keeps smiling. In any event, it’s better than evil smurfs who always rock a scowl. If my only two choices in life are a woman with a scowl and a hyena? Well, I’m going for Whoopi Goldberg everytime…at least she smiles.

3) Goofballs - Nothing is funner than a chick with a goofy side. Granted, it’s often amazing when you find out that your girl is a total doof, but there’s a certain cuteness and innocence in goofy chicks that’s way better than chicks who’ve spent years on Riker’s Island.

Okay, that’s a lie.

4) Chicks that can sing – And I don’t mean women that DO sing…as in, they open their mouths and unleash the fury. I mean women who can actually hold simultaneous notes that sound like they were supposed to be created. Simply stated, women who can’t sing but try to sing and suck are the devil and should be thrashed wtih some Nike shoelaces.

5) Teeth – Well, duh. Though I’ve heard that a toothless woman can, ya know, whistle good.

THE CHAMP’S (short) LIST:

glasses: maybe I’m completely nuts. maybe my peculiar fetish is concrete proof of me being completely and utterly narcissistic. maybe the young champ shouldn’t have put his glasses on to get a better view of the screen when first “discovering” emmanuale in space on cinemax (who knew aliens were so damn friendly?) who knows? all I know is that in all honestly, rocking the right pair of lenses can give a woman as much as a TWO point jump in my mental rating scale. Yes. TWO. TWO freakin points!!! Do you realize how much of a difference two points makes???

we’ve all heard of beer goggles, but I think I might actually have the first documented case of glasses goggles

the ability to make me laugh as well as the ability to laugh at herself:

super serious chicks need not apply.

and, i don’t know if this belongs in a list such as this, but i’d be remiss if i didnt find a way to mention how excited the “little” champ gets when he sees…

…a woman quietly laughing to themselves while reading a book:

*i won’t expound further because it’ll make me too aroused excited, but i will say that between this and the glasses fetish it’s safe to assume that i’m somewhat of a nerd. i’ve actually made peace with this fact, and i’ve decided to move on.*

***btw, ladies…i hope you all noticed that, despite our somewhat short lists, we both placed a premium on stuff deriving from happiness (“laughing”, “smiling”, and “goofiness”). take that information and make whatever conclusion you want***

***************

What are the things that draw you in every time???? Won’t you be…won’t you be…won’t you be our neighbor?