Tag Archives: guilty pleasures

Black Barbie and The Guiltiest Pleasures Possible

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SHES A MOTHERF*CKIN MONSTER!!!!!!!!

While driving to my homegirl’s place for game night last weekend (and tired of listening to Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… Pt. II over and over again. At this point I think Raekwon owes me royalties), I decided to pop in a mixtape I made of all of the Kanye G.O.O.D. Friday tracks. The first song that came on was “Monster”, a somewhat “soundtrackey” track—it seems like it should be on a soundtrack for a horror movie instead of an actual album—featuring Bon Iver, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, and a person I called the Anti-Christ two months ago.

Now, since the drive was only maybe 10 minutes, I didn’t have time to listen to the entire album. In fact, since I wanted to hear how the next track (“See Me Now”) sounded in my truck, I didn’t even listen to “Monster” all the way through, and just skipped to the only part of the song I like…Nicki Minaj’s verse. Yes, you read that correctly. I—a man who’s so into “real” hip-hop that I consider Supreme Clientele to be the best rap album ever made—skipped through verses from Jay-Z and Kanye West just to hear The Black Barbie spit about “bad bitches from Sri Lanka“.

It’s not that I think her verse is so outstanding. Lyrically, she definitely still leaves a bit to be desired, and no one is ever going to confuse her with Jean Grae or even Rah Digga. Plus, that particular verse was, to put it lightly, complete and utter schizophrenic nonsense. But, her energy and confidence allowed her to completely own a song that three of rap’s most prominent names also happened to be on, and I have to give credit where credit’s due…even if it’ll make me forfeit the monthly rewards that come with my hip-hop purists card.

Anyway, Minaj’s verse is a perfect manifestation of the guilty pleasure—a person, place, or thing you’re almost ashamed to publicly admit you actually enjoy—and here’s a few more of mine.

Watching YouTube rap battles for hours at a time

Am I too old to admit I spent 90 minutes Saturday afternoon watching Iron Solomon battle E. Ness, E. Ness battle Jae Millz, Jae Millz battle Murda Mook, and Murda Mook battle Serius Jones? Yes? Ok, then that would probably make me too old to also admit I battled myself in the bathroom mirror for 15 minutes afterward.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

Whenever I watch this show, I can’t help but think about Richard Jeni’s stand-up skit about Red Lobster commercials being food porn for Americans.  I won’t go as far as to say I’ve gotten aroused while watching “Triple D”, but lets just say I’m always tempted to smoke a cigarette when it’s over. (and I don’t even smoke!)

Hoodrat culture

While my infatuation with sistas with glasses, asses, and advance degrees (as well as the fact that I want to make it to 35) ensures I’ll never actually date one, between flirting with cute and obnoxiously tattooed Wendy’s cashiers, watching The Bad Girls Club, clicking on WorldStarHipHop links, and googling strippers, I seem to be genuinely fascinated with the type of women The Sporty Thieves so eloquently coined “pigeons”. I have no idea why this is, but I think it probably has something to do with George Gervin

Free Bread Baskets

You know that community bread that’ll be in a basket next to the door at Panera or some other bakery, that germ-infested bread that always makes you ask “What sick and deprived person actually eats that shit?”

Well, that person is me.

Roissy in D.C.

A group blog primarily devoted to defining exactly what constitutes “alpha status” (and “exposing” the lengths all women will go to be with an alpha), it would be an extreme understatement to say The Citizen Renegade isn’t for everyone. But, regardless of how crass, misogynistic, jingoistic, intentionally manipulative, and even racist they tend to be, I admire their unapologeticness and recognize that much (not all. but some) of what they say does have some truth to it.

Also, the writer (and comedian) in me can’t help but appreciate any blog that includes “You make me feel happy” is the pre-cum of a girl’s oxytocin-greased mental ejaculation” in a write-up about relationship tenets.

Michelle Tucker

You probably don’t want to goggle her while at work, but lets just say if I weren’t already in a serious relationship and I happened to meet her, I might find it in my heart to look past the whole “retired porn star” thing.

Frying eggs in bacon grease

***Filed under “things that’ll probably eventually kill me“***

Frying bacon and eggs in bacon grease while completely nude because I don’t want my clothes to stink

***Filed under “things that’ll probably eventually kill me if I don’t die from clogged arteries first”***

Anyway, VSB.com, that’s it for me. I’m curious though: Who and what are your Guilty Pleasures.

Who are the people who would embarrass your parents if they knew you actually liked them? Where are the places you willingly frequent that seem to go against every fiber of your being? What are the things you do that make you think it might be a couple thousand years before you’re allowed in Heaven?

Remember, we’re all family and shit here. Don’t be scared

—The Champ

Exorcising My Skeletons.

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****admin note****

what: first pittsburgh-area vsb happy hour

where: ava bar & lounge, 126 south highland avenue, pittsburgh, pa

when: TODAY!!!, 5:30-until pgh muse flashes a bartender

email the champ at contact@verysmartbrothas.com if you need directions or have any other questions or concerns

be there or be jim jones

****end of admin note****

Everybody has skeletons in the closet.

Hmm, that isn’t descriptive enough. Some of us have mouse skeletons in our closet, and others of us have Tyrannasaurus Rex families in their closets. Like third, fourth, and fifth cousins, of T. Rex families in their closet.

I have a lot of CDs and as much as I love my taste in music, I have some seriously questionable purchases in my collection. When the collection is being perused, I always hear somebody go, “What the…?” Well, I’ve decided to divulge my questionable purchases (which to me made perfect sense at the time, well not all of them…but about 30% of them).

1) Domino-Domino

The Ghetto Jam. Man this song was on everybody’s radio station hard…in 1994. You know honestly, this purchase wouldn’t even so bad if I didn’t buy it like 2 months ago. See that’s the problem with my bad purchases…it isn’t like I bought them when they first dropped, I made this bad ass purchase…recently. God is not happy with me.

2) Tatyana Ali-Kiss The Sky

She can kiss my ass for making such a bad album. However, she was so cute on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And she sampled all the songs you couldn’t go wrong with for singles. Hell, Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz had just made “Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)” and it was a hit, so she made “Daydreamin’”, then came with “Boy You Knock Me Out.” So you’re saying neither of these was a good enough reason to purchase this album?? Wait, you’re saying you haven’t even HEARD these songs??

Dude, she had Will Smith backing her up!!

F*ck you, she’s pretty.

3) Queen Pen-My Melody

Egads. Yes me and her mother, and lesbian lover at the time, are the only people to actually own this CD. What’s funny is, it seems that people didn’t even know she had an album come out. This album got SO little burn, I’m having to look at Amazon RIGHT NOW to figure out why I bought this. Apparently this CD was purchased for the song “A Party Ain’t A Party”. For shame…ladies and gentlemen…

I bought Queen Pen. With my own money.

4) Will Smith-Willenium

Now I know some people might want to laugh. But you all know damn well you were feeling “Just Cruisin’” or “Miami” or “Gettin’ Jiggy With It”. Just the other day I saw a gangster crip-walking to “Gettin’ Jiggy”. For all those assholes who have looked in my collection and were flabbergasted…this album was a classic!!!!

I really like the song “The Rain” too.

Hmm…after checking with Amazon, it seems none of the songs I mentioned, save “The Rain” are on this album. What IS on this album? “So Fresh” (da hell??), “Will2K”, (I’m really feeling sick right now), and everybody’s favorite…”Wild Wild West.”

I deserve no mercy and shall now kick rocks barefoot after a pedicure.

5) Profyle-Nothing But Drama

You know, I actually really like this CD. Nobody ELSE believes that its a good CD, and is always like, you actually BOUGHT THIS??? And to them I say…of course. They gave us “Liar” and we all know that was a hot song…then came the best song of whatever year this dropped, “Damn.” I’m telling you, this is actually a good CD. It’s like B2K Grown Up.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

6) Color Me Badd-C.M.B.

Music’s answer to affirmative action. You just had to love these guys didn’t you. No?? Yeah, I own their first CD, and though I can’t name anymore than three songs on it (”I Wanna Sex U Up”, “I Adore”, and “All For Love”), I still am better today for being willing to support Operation PUSH and the Rainbow Coalition in their attempts to bring about a group of non-talented multi-racial singers together to record a few albums for the cause of creating the “melting pot.”

7) BBD-Hootie Mack

You remember the Fresh Prince episode where Carlton rents out the house for a video shoot?? And BBD shows up singing a song you hadn’t heard?? Well, that is why I bought this album. Aside from being a fan, I thought that song was tight. Man, television not only adds 10 pounds, but it lies too. That song sucked. In fact this album wasn’t any good, except for the songs “Above The Rim” and “Something In Your Eyes.” Luckily I only paid 5 bucks for it…in 2004.

Original Release Date: June 1993

And what in the shit is a “hootie mack?” Do they even know??

So people, I’ve shared with you some of my questionable purchases.  What’s the most questionable music purchase you’ve made?

And feel free to clown me to no end.

By the way, I actually do like OJ Da Juiceman and Gucci Mane’s song “Make The Trap Say Aye!” as terrible as it is.

Le sigh.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

guilty as charged

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regardless of how unshallow or disdainful of superficiality you might claim to be, we all have our standards of what we deem datable and/or attractive. some of us are more willing to overlook certain things while others aren’t too keen about relaxing their standards, but we all have an image, an archetype of what we’d consider to be ideal.

but then…sometimes it happens.

you can’t explain it, you can’t reason with it, and it doesn’t make sense in your head, but sometimes you find yourself completely enthralled with someone who’s basically completely out of your “attractiveness box”. sometimes they’re the “wrong” race or body build or age, or sometimes you’ve been on the bandwagon so long that you’re scared to jump off and admit that you find them attractive. regardless of the reasoning behind it, they’re your guilty pleasures.

today, as a therapeutic exercise, i’m gonna name a few somewhat famous people who, despite the fact that they dont fit my archetype, still make me want to f*ck the sh*t out of them are extremely attractive to me.

enjoy and sh*t.

vanessa bell calloway

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s like five years younger than my mother and also has a daughter who, in two years or so (just to be safe) would definitely get it, which makes things kind of awkward. with that being said, i could soooo see her as some recent divorcee drinking a rum and coke at some lounge, slightly tipsy and flirty in a “i’m gonna tease the hell out of this young dude…but if he comes correct, who knows?” way, leading to an all-night sexual rendezvous culminating with me waking up in the morning to some fire-ass, exotic ass omelette and a note explaining why i’ll never see her again.

(hmmm, maybe i’ve given this scenario a bit too much thought. moving on…)

cheryl hines (larry david’s wife on “curb your enthusaism”)

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she talks and walks funny and kind of looks like a duck. regardless of that though, i’ve just always had this feeling that she’d be incredible in bed, and i cant explain why. you’ll just hafta trust me

natalie portman

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s approximately the size of my left thigh, and roughly the same color as my bedroom walls. yet, despite the fact that i think i could realistically break her back while breaking her back, she’s always done it for me…even going back to, gulp, “the professional”

ashanti

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: ive never publically admitted until today that i’ve always been attracted to her, for fear of getting banned from the n*gganet. i fear no more. release your f*cking hounds. i scared of them no more

so, people of vsb.com, what pop cultural or celebrity figures would be your “guilty pleasures”? people who you’d think you wouldnt be attracted to at all, but, for whatever reason, they just do it for you, or people you’ve been scared to admit in public that you’re attracted to, for fear of getting rocks thrown at you?

we’re all family here….don’t be scurred

—the champ