Tag Archives: guest blogger

Do What You’re Supposed To Do So You Don’t Have To “Do What I Gotta” Do

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[***Today's post is a guest post from VSB commenter, Breazy Hale. He blogs at the site Corner Politics. Spread love it's the Brooklyn way. Clap for him.***]

Through out my short 33 years on this earth, I’ve heard the ”I gotta do what I gotta do” excuse from men countless times. Normally the person saying this has found himself in a desperate situation – back against the wall – and ends up doing something he otherwise wouldn’t do to get out of the situation.  While I’m not knocking the next man’s hustle or coping skills, I’ve come to realize that these “back against the wall situations” could have been prevented 9 times out of 10.

For some reason, us menfolk like to make things harder on ourselves than they have to be. Cutting corners?  That, along with taking the easy way out, is our norm. Because of the “do what I gotta do” excuse some of us men have, we’ve removed all accountability out of the equation in order to not be held to standards of mandom and to justify things like  dropping out of school, selling dope or being an absentee father.

“I gotta do what I gotta do” isn’t limited to the youngins wearing skinny jeans, dreads and listening to Lil’ Wayne, either - even though you would think so due to the influence that rap and YouTube has on this generation and the “I gotta get mine” attitude that is displayed.  Now some of our elders have used this excuse, probably as long as they’ve been alive, and you see them - grown men old enough to be our uncles and fathers - standing outside of liquor stores at 8:00 in the morning waiting for it to open. Or you see the old man playing scratch offs still waiting for his ship to come in. All because at some point in their lives they didn’t take care of business like they should have and decided to go the easy route.  This cancerous idea is learned and is no doubt passed down from generation to generation.

This attitude arises when we as men fail to reach our full potential and realize some of the fundamentals of manhood, so we start to justify our short comings.  Mainly we fail to realize one of the fundamentals of manhood; a man’s gotta do what a man is supposed to do.  You see, if a man takes care of business and does the things that he is supposed to do, then he won’t be forced to compromise himself and his beliefs by doing what he’s gotta do.  I repeat:  if a man takes care of business  and does the things that he is supposed to do he then won’t be forced to compromise himself and his beliefs by doing what he’s gotta do.

Doing what is supposed to be done may take a little longer or involve more steps but the reward is worth it. The certificate or degree that you earn from staying in school instead of dropping out to chase the fast buck will be yours and no one can take that from you, just like the sense of pride that you will have from being involved in your child’s life as opposed to skipping out.  So man up, take care of business like you’re supposed to, and reap all the benefits that you will gain as you travel down the road to becoming a better man.

-BREAZY HALE

DC VSB folks: Don’t forget that tomorrow night at Liv Nightclub is Karaoke 4 A Cause from 630-1030PM! Entry is a toy ($20 or greater in value) or a $20 donation. Get your karaoke on and pretend your Loofa for the cause.

VSB Guest Post: It’s Your Fault Ninja!

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Today at VSB, we’re going to open the floor to a guest poster. You all know him very well as he’s usually dropping some serious knowledge and/or arguing back and forth with various individuals. I reached out to see if he wanted to do a full length post and he obliged. So ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses for VSB regular, Black Medici.

*clap for him*

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“You either ho your woman up, or you ho your woman down.“ -  Patrice Oneal

Women can only love men in two ways – they can love men as hoes, or they can love men as mothers.  Hoes love the sex; mothers love taking care of the man.  A man needs a woman to give him both kinds of love in order for him to love her fully and have the energy to fight the temptations that come with being a man. Sadly, the difficult part is no woman can be a ho and a mother at the same exact time, equally – some external force is needed to make that happen.

That external force is GAME. It is game that drives and directs all relationships.

Game is that thing that men develop, which helps them persuade a woman to do something, that she doesn’t initially feel like doing, If a woman doesn’t initially feel like going on a date, your game is what makes her feel that she should give you an opportunity to get a date. The more you exercise your game, the better you become at dealing with various forms of women’s resistance. In the long run the whole purpose of building your game with multiple women, is ultimately, to have a monogamous relationship because the game needed to keep one woman in a LTR far outweighs the amount of game needed to keep 5 women in the stable at once, since the LTR woman eventually will get used to your game, and you’ll have to constantly upgrade it, to keep her interested in you.

When a woman first falls in love with a guy, she tries very hard to be a ho and a mother at the same time. Usually though, you’ll find what side of the fence she’s naturally on very quickly. The motherly one will not be in a rush to have sex, the ho will. The ho will not be in a rush to cook for you, the motherly one will bring you some samples to eat, very early on.

The motherly woman is very kind, loving and caring. She wants to wash your clothes, she wants to massage your back when it’s aching, cook your food etc. And that’s a beautiful thing; it makes you feel good to have that kind of love in your life. However, there’s a flipside. – a motherly loving woman, just like your mother will always feel that YOU NEED HER. She feels that without her, you wouldn’t be able to stand on your own. Like all mothers, she will always view you as her baby. In other words, she loves you, but she doesn’t respect you.  Hard to see a woman viewing you like that, and still getting wet for you, don’t you think?

The hoish woman is the one who gets d*ckmatized. She loves f&^king. She is always down to bring or accept something new into the bedroom. Her love is based on her desire to be physically intimate and to submit to her man’s physical control and direction. However, the bad thing about all hoes, is that they’re hoes, and outside of sex, they really don’t want to do anything else for you. They don’t want to wash your clothes, they don’t want to massage your back, they don’t want to cook for you etc. They love f*cking but they have no desire to be “pleasant” or relieve you of the stress that comes with being a man who gets no credit for the work he provides to his family or society, each and every day.

Now here’s the question that ought to be asked if you’re not already asking it: why can’t a woman naturally be 50% ho and 50% mother? The answer to that question is very simple – She doesn’t know how to! Most women don’t start out like men do having to learn how to persuade women to give them something that they don’t initially want to. The vast majority of women only start working on the art of persuasion when they have a man that they feel they’re in love with.

Since most men don’t utilize scenarios where a woman has to figure out how to persuade a man to give her something (outside of using some variation of sex, which she ought to give him anyhow as part of keeping the relationship alive and passionate) women grow to not appreciate the things their men give them, and become more and more entitled. And when they meet men who don’t give them things that they think they “deserve” based on the things men gave them in the past for free, they begin to view the other men as stuck-up, over-confident, bitter etc when in reality, it’s the fault of the men of the past, who never helped the women learn how to persuade to get their way.

The downfall of a relationship always begins when a man gets comfortable. When a man gets comfortable, he no longer feels the need or the urge to persuade which makes a woman feel like she is being taken for granted. As he gets comfortable, the woman loses her desire to persuade, and resolves deeper and deeper to the love that she is accustomed to. Before long, the negatives of the love that she naturally possesses begin to seep into a relationship and cause problems. The mother begins to nag, demands that you do chores, complains that she does all the work and you take her for granted. The ho begins to complain that you’re out too much, and she’s not getting f*&ked like she used to. She wants to go out to eat all the time, and when you have to eat inside she finds it difficult to even prepare a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. When things fall apart, you’ll both yell and scream. You’ll blame each other, but at the end…

It’s always your fault fellas…  if you’re not using your game to direct your relationship; you’re allowing your woman’s innate nature to drag your relationship into purgatory.

Agree? Disagree? What do you think?

-BLACK MEDICI

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We’ve got a bunch of VSB related activities coming your way in the next few weeks. First up to bat is the discussion at the Washington Post being moderated by VSB P and Rahiel T from Urban Cusp. This is a joint event brought to you by VSB x Urban Cusp x and The Root DC. Peep the flyer on Thursday, July 26.

Also, be on the look out for another panel that Panama will be apart of (along with Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, Helena Andrews, NeeCee Simmons, Panama Jackson, and Jamal Muhammed) on Monday, July 30, being brought to you by Krystal Glass.

The Man in Her Head: A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better (Part 1 of 2)

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No relationship is just comprised of two people. If you’re in a relationship, I bet you thought it was just you and the other person you’re dating. It turns out that there are fifty-leven people inside the relationship. Here’s a discussion about some of those people, from two people who have been there.

A “He Said”/”She Said” Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships
By Rahiel Tesfamariam (Urban Cusp) and Panama Jackson (Very Smart Brothas)

Warning: This ain’t politically correct; this might offend our personal connects

The Man in Her Head

Rahiel: As a woman, do you have The MITH (Man In The Head) Syndrome? Diagnosis is made when you realize (or are repeatedly told) that you’re madly in love with and dating a man you’ve never actually met (no, not Idris Elba), but the Weird Science figment of your imagination you crafted out of snippets of your favorite movies, songs, books, sermons, and romantic stories. You know who I’m talking about – the Ossie to your Ruby, the Clyde to your Bonnie, and the Barack to your Michelle. The man who has 24.5 items out of the 25 on your front and back list.

The MITH is a manufactured ideal that feeds into unrealistic fantasies of what love and marriage are all about. Where did The MITH come from? This varies based on a multitude of factors – family, class, culture, environment, education, religion, values, etc. Some might argue that he’s a manifestation of the father figure that was or wasn’t in the picture during childhood. Others would say that he’s an aggregate of every man ever encountered in life. Why is it difficult to be cured of The MITH? Because denial has become viral and old habits die hard.

At the age of 30, I know now that The MITH is not our fault. I instead blame Jem (I was never big on Barbie) for convincing us that we can be the star of our own shows as our supportive partners stand in the sidelines catering to our every need. I fault Dirty Dancing for leading us to believe that Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-The-Corner men with checkered pasts best know how to sweep good girls off of their feet.  Beyond pop culture (R&B, Hip-Hop, and The Notebook particularly), I also point the finger at Black churches and our sista-girls.

Those influences combined lead so many of us to believe that one man can and should embody all of the following traits all of the time: protective/ sensitive, spontaneous/ calculated, charismatic/ humble, passionate/ laid back, sensual/ reserved, spiritual/ grounded , serious/ silly, feminist/ a man’s man, and faithful/ desired-by-all-other-women-on-earth. We end up believing that the knight in shining armor we read about in Disney books (or saw in Tyler Perry films) may make a special appearance in not only our classrooms, corporate offices, and churches, but perhaps even in the clubs and hoods of America. While millions of women remain unaffected by The MITH, I’m convinced that this plague has become pandemic, crossing all racial, cultural and class boundaries.

The Man He Ain’t

Panama: For all of the great things that men bring to the table – the table, for instance – one of our biggest faults in relationships is our resistance to change unless it’s on our own terms. Of course, it would be easier if our women didn’t constantly view us through the paradigm of the man in her head and expect him to show up instead of the man she’s dating, but that’s just the price of doing business. But change is a part of life. It’s a part of growing. So we tend to stand in our own way by constantly reminding, and simultaneously pissing off our women by telling them who we ain’t. Which is the lose-lose for everybody.

“Baby, you knew when we met I didn’t pick up my socks. Why are you complaining now? I’m not a clean dude.” Or “I’m not the call you all day guy.” Or “I’m not the guy who is going to be that sympathetic ear. I’m a fixer, not a listener! Period.” That last one is a big problem. But it seems like men, as a species, like to change and evolve on our own time and of our own doing. I mean, we want our woman to be the same woman we fell in love with, why can’t I be the same too? Why do we have to do all this changing? I ain’t that dude anyway. I’m me. And I’m gonna stay me. Stupidity, thy name is single man.

The funny thing is that there’s a long held secret amongst most men. We actually want to be the man our women want us to be. For one, it would make our lives easier (or so we think…and actually so SHE thinks), and two, we realize we could be better men. But it’s hard being yourself, by yourself, for so long successfully and then having to completely uproot who you are to make somebody else happy, especially when that person seems to go so far to point out your flaws as opposed to what you do right. It’s all in the delivery. We’d be more inclined to make some of those changes if it didn’t feel like our every move was an affront to your sanity, peace on Earth, and goodwill towards men. Real talk. The Civil War claimed a lot of lives, why bring it home and let it claim our relationship? The answer can’t ALWAYS be, “well if you’d just do xyz…” can it?

The Woman She Thinks She Is

Rahiel: Worse than believing that The MITH exists is believing that we deserve him. This is where we must be brutally honest with ourselves. If there really was a man alive who embodied the creativity of Langston Hughes, the charisma of Malcolm X, the brilliance of DuBois, the enterprise of Reginald Lewis, the athleticism of Jordan, the passion of Tupac, the looks of Denzel, and the moral perfection and self-sacrifice of Jesus, then what in the world would he want with you and I? Even on our best days – we’re no match for The MITH.

But there’s a woman who is, and that’s “the ideal woman” that so many of us convince ourselves that we are. Truth be told, we can possess a lot of non-negotiables, but still wrestle with basics such as an understanding and love of self, trust and communication. While we would all like to think that we’re the “sure you can spend this weekend kicking it with your boys without worrying about me” type, the reality is that a lot of us seek constant validation from our lovers. And as Panama Jackson (perhaps inspired by his church going days) says, “It’s not a man’s job to make you whole.” In short, what a man says and does should never define who you are in the relationship.

Who She Is For Real For Real

Panama: It’s funny. If a woman tells a man who he really is (i.e. lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, etc.), he’s just supposed to take it, acknowledge it (because she can’t be wrong), fix it, and make her happy. But if a man tells a woman about herself, it’s akin to kicking her down a flight of stairs. “How could he? That’s not me!” Plus she hasn’t consulted her homegirls who will likely tell her that she’s not a nag or a complainer or overly negative or passive aggressive or rude or a malcontent and hard to be around. Of course, she’ll never get the truth because the people that don’t like her for those reasons have removed themselves from her life anyway.

So she’s surrounded by a bunch of people who are just like her and who also don’t see it as a problem. Everybody else is the problem. Most people are intimately familiar with who they think they are, but when faced with the truth, it’s hard to acknowledge. You ever notice in most movies that it’s the men who have the come to Jesus “I’m gonna do right” moments? Women are always fine just the way that they are. Yeah. Bull malarkey. Most women aren’t the image they portray themselves to be. Most women are the exact opposite of who they proclaim to be. Put simply: if she tells you she’d never do it, she’s going to do it as soon as she gets home. So long as nobody’s looking. Women are the living manifestation of plausible deniability.

Do you agree or disagree? Have these people been in your relationships?

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Rahiel Tesfamariam is the Founder / Editorial Director of UrbanCusp.com, a cutting-edge online life.style magazine highlighting progressive urban culture, faith, social change and global awareness. In her spare time, she thinks, dreams, believes and loves deeply. You can follow her on Twitter at @RahielT. Follow Urban Cusp at @UrbanCusp and LIKE Urban Cusp on their Facebook fan page.

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Check for Part 2 of this series on UrbanCusp.com tomorrow!