grown-up
ask 10 people and you’ll likely get 10 different definitions of this term, a curious conundrum helping to make courting, dating, and relationships much more difficult than they already are.
in an attempt to somewhat subside this confusion, I’ve decided to help everybody out and name five simple behaviors that every grown-ass man and grown-ass woman should practice. enjoy and sh*t
1. GROWN-ASS MEN…should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever brag about their penis, bedroom manner, or sexual exploits. never. ever.
let the women you’ve been with in the past be your pipegame A&R’s and penis politicians. trust me, if you’re doing what youre supposed to be doing, they”ll gladly volunteer
2. GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never allow themselves to be defined solely by their sexuality
basically, a grown-ass woman should know that a long sleeved dress shirt, jeans, and an appropriate heel on her worst day still owns three times as much potential sexiness than some jeans revealing three inches of butt cleavage, accompanied by a fishnet turtleneck with pink piranha nipple clamps. a grown-ass women should always know that their sexuality will always be the implied yet powerful elephant in the room, and knows she doesn’t need to acknowledge it by “yee-hawing” loudly and riding the elephant through the doorway like it’s Seattle Slew.
3. GROWN-ASS MEN…should never try to “out-sexy” a woman.
we’re all are ugly and awkward. we can never be as outwardly sexy as a woman is, so stop trying.
if you’re still unsure about how you should look when taking a picture, use this as your own personal cheat-sheet..
yes
NO!!!!!
4. GROWN-ASS MEN AND GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never get arrested, or consistently put themselves in situations where it’s a likely possibility
you’re not t.i. or kwame kilpatrick or martha stewart. you have no albums to sell, movies to promote, or potato salad recipes to hawk. your administrative assistant at Blue Cross/Blue Shield ass getting arrested aint cool, will not enhance your street cred, and, even if it did, no other grown-ass man or grown-ass women is even going to care because you’re an administrative assistant at Blue Cross/Blue Shield. to quote starbury “you’re caught up in basketball. get caught up in life”
5. GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never hint at disinterest
it was much simpler in elementary school. if you liked a girl, you’d pass her a note in class with a simple question: “do you want to be on my team for dodgeball?”
underneath the question would be two boxes, titled “yes” and “no”. if she wasn’t interested, not only would the “no” box get checked, but you might even have the paper balled-up, chewed on, and thrown at you.
somewhere in the 15-25 years since, some women have come to the conclusion that a hint of disinterest is all that’s needed to properly respond to unrequited romantic feelings. these women have seemingly forgotten one of the most basic rules every woman should know when dealing with a man: we are not women. we do not take hints. there’s a reason why we sent the note in 3rd grade with a yes or no checkbox instead of a “maybe” or “sometimes” or “if i get naked”, and a grown ass woman knows this and acts accordingly.
thats it for now. people of vsb.com, did i miss anything?
—the champ