Tag Archives: gifts

Total Recall: The Gift and The Curse

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Over the course of all relationships, two people (or more depending on your religion and/or if you’re from Utah) show their love and affection in varying ways. For some people it’s the sharing of tantric activity for hours, with both people reaching mental climaxes that only paraplegics could love.

Hmmm, is it me or does it seem like tantric lovin’ was created by paraplegics since, you know, they kind of can’t…really…bang…

It’s Friday, hell points for the win.

Other people read the Bible together and quote verses and do hi-fives for Jesus and really get into some Psalms. Praise de lawd.

But for most of us, the main way that we show our love and affection is through gifts. Oh yes, gifts start early and often. Dude was in the store and he saw a little figurine of a ballerina holding a crackpipe and it reminded him of how he’s geeked out over you and you think it’s so precious and cute and you will cherish it forever. Or ole girl was at home looking at beaucoup pictures of herself and decided that if she created a collage of pictures of herself and attached it to some construction paper and wrote “Eye Luv Ewe” over the top of it, you’d not only know that she loves you but you’d know exactly what she looked like at various points of her life.

Real ninja talking, why do women give the gift of pictures so often? And why are they so frequently just pictures of her?

Shawty got gifts.

I feel like purging. Let me tell you, I’ve given a lot of gifts over my days. And quite frankly, I want most of them back. Some of them seemed like great ideas at the time but then again so did that particular woman. Theory ALWAYS seems great. So here’s a list of gifts I wish I could get back.

Can I exercise some of my Indian giver ways?

Yes you can.

Thanks.

1. The cross pendant

When I was in high school (yeah I’m THAT salty) I gave my girlfriend at the time a cross pendant that she adored. I spent like $100 on it of my hard earned Papa John’s money. Do you know how much $100 bucks is to a 17 year old? And she was a straight heathen. Her legs spent so much time in the air she could never be grounded. But she just had to have that pendant and I just had to get it for her. At least she always took it off when I was climbing in her window. But I swear that I never snatched her people up.

2. Toni Tony Tone Sons of Soul album

I wrote an entire post about this but to paraphrase. I buy you CD. You take CD and give me hug. You run tell dat to dude you like and give him a kiss. You two then go on to celebrate beaucoup anniversaries…while listening to CD I bought you. Whatever, I don’t really give an eff ewe see kay. Eff your couch anyway though.

3. My Morehouse tshirt

Every chick jacks their man’s tshirts. It’s in the dating rulebook right after thou shalt fellate without teeth, thou shalt cometh off thine favorite tshirt. So I did. Thing is, ole girl got me for a limited edition tshirt. For folks that were in the AUC back in the late 90s, there were TWO places to get school gear, Collegiate and the TKO store on Clark’s campus. They all sold limited edition sh*t. If you didn’t get that shirt or jacket the day it came out, you weren’t getting it. Ole girl got me for my Morehouse “Ha” tshirt. Late 90′s Black college alumns know those shirts. I hate her by the way.

4. Those really purdy exotic roses I copped at that one store it took me 4 hours to find in Atlanta

Boy was I stupid. I found these REALLY dope oddly colored roses that were basically genetically altered and because I was smitten over this wilted-arse dandelion chick I paid my hard earned customer service rep money for them. And when I personally delivered said flowers to your door at 5am in the morning so that you’d wake up to them what did you say to me? “Aww, thanks. You should hold them for me at your place.” Ouch, baby. Very ouch. Man do I wish I’d given those flowers to somebody who might have appreciated them…like a homeless person.

That will do for now. I actually have a lot more but if I tell you some things I got for women somebody might call me a compassionate gentleman or something and we can’t have that. Besides, everybody knows that I’m a motherf*cking monster.

So good people of VSB, it’s Friday. Let’s put it out there. Let your heart be free. Take back your gifts, if oooooonly for toooooonight.

It’s okay, we’ve got your back.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40p aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Keep The Receipt: 5 Terrible Gift Ideas For This Holiday Season

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fruitcakeWe’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh.  And what does nigh mean?

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes).  It really is the most wonderful time…of the year.  Giving and receiving.  Happy mornings and happy endings.  Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts.  There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it.  Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving.  There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving.  We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times.  Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants.  Period.

It’s the least I can do.  ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1)  Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey.  Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something.  Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999.  Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go.  At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of  your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling?  Well, ladies you’re in luck.  Except you’re not.  This is a terrible gift.  The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real.  However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud.  I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.

*smile*

3)  The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja?  This sh*t right here?  Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough.  But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level.  Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea.  This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level.  By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4)  The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here.  The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole.  Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama.  As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro?  No?  I think too much?  Ok. Ok. You’re right.  You’re right.

5)  This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people.   What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive.  Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

no returns: the ten worst gifts you can give a woman

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dickinaboxwarehouseonecrop

ever since adam made the fateful mistake of buying eve a mammoth skin handbag for valentines day when she specifically asked for velociraptor, knowing what and what not to purchase a woman has been one of the toughest questions for a man to ponder

today, as a service from vsb.com, the champ has decided to share the ten worst gifts you can give a woman to hopefully ensure that you vsb’s out there don’t pull an adam and accidentally make your eve’s eden drier than paul mooney

1. your d*ck in the inbox

actually, this applies to all unsolicited pictures of yourself. randomly sharing those gphone cam pics you took in the mirror last week that show off your “perfect goatee” is one of the quickest ways to go from “he’s cool” to “he’s cool, but i think he likes nuts on his chest”

2. a new gym membership and any other out of the blue workout paraphernalia

while its perfectly ok to renew gym memberships or purchase track shoes and treadmills for your girl if she’s already a workout fanatic, bringing up even the faintest hint that she needs to hit the gym is a bad idea on par with “i think “keeping it up with the van gundy’s” would be a great p*rn series” and “wow. that raccoon is so cute. i wonder if it can fit in my mouth”

3. crabs

although herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, crabs creates a cruel and confusing conundrum because of the obvious permanent negative imagery it gives seafoodies.

basically, while the herpe might stall her horse riding and nude sailing days, the coochie crabs will ruin red lobster forever

barbie as rapunzel movie download

4. an anonymous drink from across the room the water horse legend of the deep online

***filed under: “bagging techniques that only work in beer commercials or if your last name happens to be elba, kodjoe, champ, clooney, or pitt”***

5. an abortion

hey capitán, when she asked you to be more considerate about sex, “hey, babe. after work lets head down to the abortion clinic. i heard they’re having a special this week, and there’s a chick-fil-a right around the corner” probably isn’t what she had in mind.

my advice: pearl necklace

6. clothes from any store with a “one-size for all” plastic bag.

thank-you-plastic-t-shirt-shopping-bag

lets put it this way: if you’re buying her a vsb baby-tee and the sales clerk stuffs it in the same six gallon garbage bag perps use to hide dead hookers on CSI, the thought still counts, but she probably won’t give a f*ck

7. candy from the p*rn store, even if they have a sale on snickers (her favorite)

***filed under: “sh*t the champ had to learn the hard way”***

8.  anything that’s breathing (unless she explicitly suggests it)

this includes, pets, exotic plants, big brothers, big sisters applications, and midgets

9. lotion or a new brand of deodorant

unless, of course, you’re training for a marathon and you’re intentionally aiming for three straight months of desert d*ck

10. anything she can use to efficiently plot your demise and/or murder

this includes guns, cutlery, account passwords, bleach, razors, pre-sharpened pencils, darts, the “dexter” box set, and nude pictures of your better looking ex

very smart brothas, sistas, and things named “blackberry molasses”, i know i’m forgetting a few. any suggestions?

—the champ