Non-Conventional Gifts That Make Me Happy During This Holiday Season

Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.

Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.

Or any season really…

With Christmas right around the corner, I’ve been a bit reflective lately. It’s important to sit back and take the time to realize the little things in life and the tiny blessings that have been bestowed upon from out yonder and up above. If you take a second to truly look at life in all of its glory, you will realize that there is evidence that whoever you pray to was busy leaving little easter eggs all over the place. You know the kind of places where compromise has come full circle.

Yes, that higher power, what a great person. So it is in this season that I thank 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus who don’t even know a word yet (though I happen to prefer mine with a mullet) for the bevy of good tidings he brings for me and my kin. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

With that being said, here a bunch of little blessings to be thankful for during this holiday season.

- unattractive men with big bank accounts

- unattractive women with great bodies

- multi-colorway Jordan’s

- Honey Jack Daniels Whiskey

- short men with great personalities

- overt racism

- Duck Dynasty (even despite the recent comments which to me is just like the Chik-Fil-A kerfluffle a few years ago)

- White Hennessey

- Black Twitter

- White Wegman’s

- Hybrid SUVs

- Cuffin’ season for the cold months

- Summer dresses for the hot months

- Strobe lights for drunken nights at the club

- Sweet & Sour Gummie Bears

- Boxer briefs

- women in wife beaters

- Black Santa

- White Jesus

- White Santa

- Black Jesus

- Beyonce albums when you least expect them

- Beyonce albums when you do expect them

- HBCU pride

- PWI ambivalence about HBCU pride

- Allen wrench drill bits for IKEA furniture

- Kanye West rants

- Answers to questions that Kanye thinks there are no answers to

- All Black everything

- Racks on racks

- The intro to Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “Foe Tha Love Of Money”

- The intro to Mint Condition’s “Breakin’ My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)”

- non-Black women with big ole booties

- big ole booties

- brown paper packages tied up with string

- 2 Chainz

- The reaction of people when you yell 2 Chainz in a crowded room

- Finding dreams that were deferred

- Asinine opinions on music

- Pet rocks to throw at people with asinine opinions on music

- naked cartwheels on hardwood floors

- The Willie Warmer

And with that…I’ll stop. So what are some non-conventional gifts that you are thankful for this holiday season?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WARM WILLIE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Panama’s Favorite Things for 2012 And Stuff

It’s funny because it’s true.

Welcome back! we hope your Turkey Day was wonderful!

Oprah released her list of her favorite things nearly a month ago. Of course, white women every where lost their mind because the closest thing to a rap memoir on this year’s list was the Macy’s Hotel Collection of MicroTowels because if there’s one thing that rappers know, it’s hotel towels. My guess is that Jay-Z put her up on that game.

Moving on.

Well since I never find anything on her lists to be something that I’d call a favorite OR actually spend my money on (though these high-tops are totes to die for), I figured, “hey Panama, you’re a real cool cat…perhaps you should list some of your favorite things of 2012!”

After wracking my brain attempting to determine what the best gifts that I would personally endorse could be, I realized, the present is a gift, and I just want to be. And since that doesn’t work, here are some things that you can send to other people that Panama personally loves. Or just things that totally rocked my socks in 2012. That I’d love to receive as a gift.

EEEEEEEK!

*Giada de Laurentiis tiny hand clap*

1. Trinidad James “All Gold Everything”

“…popped a molly, I’m sweatin…WOO…” Need I say more? Probably. But still, I appreciate my ignorance unbridled. And anytime a rapper looks like both Otis and Big Gipp from Goodie Mob at the same damn time, well, I think he needs to be shared with the masses. Share Trinidad James. Oh, and it’s not just because he totally stole my naming steez even though HE TOTALLY DID. By the way, if the nation of Trinidad doesn’t come out with a press release stating that they do not support the overuse of their flag in his video I will totally think they’ve lost all control of their affairs.

2. Jordan 4′s

There are certain Jordan’s that are just doper than the rest. Well in 2012, we saw the release of the 4′s, one such pair of Jordans that are nothing short of beautiful. If you can get you a pair. Do it. (You can’t, their unavailable everywhere)

3. iPhone 5

Sure the Samsung Galaxy III came out and might have a bigger screen and better commercials. But nobody is whippin’ the iPhone 5′s arse. I don’t care what else is out there. It looks better than the Galaxy III and that’s what matters above all else. WHAT!!!!?!?!?!? WHO WANT WHAT?!?!?! Apple Blocc.

4. Carly Rae Jepsen – Everthing She Touches

First it was “Call Me Maybe”. And you know what, I totally got my white pre-teen on when that song came on. Then it was the Owl City assist with “Good Time” – my vote for greatest song of FOREVER – and you have two totally solid songs that are the apex of happiness. And do you know what people love more than anything during the holidays? Good times. Carly Rae is a good time. She’s ALWAYS a good time.

5. The Boxer from Z Gallerie

This picture is so crazy dope that I don’t know what to do with myself. This would be one of my favorite things in any calendar year. It’s 2012. It definitely works for this year.

6. Knit Hat with a beard (you want to click that link)

I own one of these and let me tell you, not only is a conversation starter and but it keeps your face and upper lip warm. And who doesn’t need a lip warmer.

7. Emperor’s New Clothes Hand’s Off Tshirt

Mostly because it’s got boobs, Micky Mouse hands, and Lee Press-on nails.

8. Crosley Performer Record Player

It’s aesthetically beautiful and makes people think that you’re cultured. And who doesn’t want to look and feel cultured. PLUS it allows you to buy records – ya know, vinyl types – and pretend that you are reliving High Fidelity.

9. Michael Jackson’s Bad 25th Anniversary Deluxe Edition Box Set

MJ gone…our n*gga dead…BUT YOU CAN STILL SUPPORT PARIS JACKSON!

I was going to come up with 10, but honestly, 9 is enough. Actually 8 Is Enough. But call me, maybe. So, with the holiday season in full swing…what are some of your favorite things for 2012? Help us folks who need to buy some gifts for folks.

What would be on your list for this year?!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HELPIN’ NINJAS SINCE 79 aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Make sure you RSVP for Reminisce this Saturday, December 1, 2012, in DC. Free before 11pm with RSVP and OPEN BAR from 930-1030pm. All 90s hip-hop and R&B. RSVP here: http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com.

And for those who weren’t in DC for our Election NIght Watch party at the Washington Post with Urban Cusp, Impact, and The Root DC, peep the video below for a recap!

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The Most Inappropriate Gift Ever

It's my **** in a box!

It was summer 95, or maybe 96. Or was it winter time…oh it don’t matter pimp. It was a long time ago is the main bullet point. It could have been Valentine’s Day. Or it could have been a random birthday. Or prom. Point is I don’t remember. But I was likely sixteen-years-old.

Back then I had a girlfriend. I remember her name but I don’t feel a need to include it because she wasn’t the vital character here. Her mother was.

Now, I lived in one of those areas where kids were out doing things that kids ain’t supposed to be doing (like smanging) while parents liked to pretend it wasn’t happening. A lot of guitars were gently weeping. Anyway, I was on friendly terms with my girlfriend’s parents. They loved me because I was harmless in their estimation. Little did they know I was sneaking in and out of their house nearly every night of the week. Committing no less than three or four misdemeanors per night.

I’m fairly certain that her mother didn’t think we were doing the “grown up” but I also never asked. But since I figure that most parents assume the best of their children I assume she thought we were just doing homework or talking about college when we’d skirt off into my girlfriend’s bedroom or whatever.

So needless to say I was a bit surprised when on this particular day her mother bought a gift for us that seemed…well…inappropriate. Even if you think you have THE most innocent set of teens involved on the planet there are certain gifts you just don’t hand over to two teens.

What was the gift?

Glad you asked.

See, her mother, in all of her infinite wisdom decided that for this day she would get us a matching sexy time night set. She got me a pair of silk boxers (that was mad inappropriate by itself) and got her daughter – my girlfriend – a matching silk neglige type thing.

Who does that?

We opened this box (she’d wrapped them up individually) and looked at each other not knowing if we should say thank you or be worried that we were being set up for the okey doke. The boxers and neglige had all kinds of hearts and naughty words on them. They were black and the hearts were red. All I could think was “what kind of parent gives their kid the unintentional permission to go smang?” That’s how I felt. I felt like giving us these two nightwear items implied that she was okay with us seeing each other IN said apparel which means that we’d have to be in a space, alone together, to wear such things and evaluate one another in them.

Oh, and then take them off of one another because that’s what hormonal and horny teenagers do when provoked with skimpy lingerie and boxer sets. Which we did. Frequently.

Point is, what the hell kind of mother gives her daughter and daughter’s boyfriend sex gear? Especially when they’re in their teens????? And thinks that it’s cute? I’m not saying she was a bad parent. I’m just saying that she, perhaps, made some bad parenting decisions. Such as that one.

Either way, for me, that was the most inappropriate gift I’ve ever received. So what about you? What’s the most inappropriate gift you’ve ever received?

Happy Friday!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T LOOK AT ME, I DIDN’T DO IT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Also…for the folks in DC, don’t forget tomorrow night is the hottest 90s party in the city, REMINISCE at Liv Nightclub at the corner of 11th and U. It’s free before 11pm with RSVP (http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com), an open bar from 930 to 1030pm, and no dress code. There’s no reason to NOT be there! Come party with Panama and crew and get your dance on! Peep the flyer for details!

Total Recall: The Gift and The Curse

Over the course of all relationships, two people (or more depending on your religion and/or if you’re from Utah) show their love and affection in varying ways. For some people it’s the sharing of tantric activity for hours, with both people reaching mental climaxes that only paraplegics could love.

Hmmm, is it me or does it seem like tantric lovin’ was created by paraplegics since, you know, they kind of can’t…really…bang…

It’s Friday, hell points for the win.

Other people read the Bible together and quote verses and do hi-fives for Jesus and really get into some Psalms. Praise de lawd.

But for most of us, the main way that we show our love and affection is through gifts. Oh yes, gifts start early and often. Dude was in the store and he saw a little figurine of a ballerina holding a crackpipe and it reminded him of how he’s geeked out over you and you think it’s so precious and cute and you will cherish it forever. Or ole girl was at home looking at beaucoup pictures of herself and decided that if she created a collage of pictures of herself and attached it to some construction paper and wrote “Eye Luv Ewe” over the top of it, you’d not only know that she loves you but you’d know exactly what she looked like at various points of her life.

Real ninja talking, why do women give the gift of pictures so often? And why are they so frequently just pictures of her?

Shawty got gifts.

I feel like purging. Let me tell you, I’ve given a lot of gifts over my days. And quite frankly, I want most of them back. Some of them seemed like great ideas at the time but then again so did that particular woman. Theory ALWAYS seems great. So here’s a list of gifts I wish I could get back.

Can I exercise some of my Indian giver ways?

Yes you can.

Thanks.

1. The cross pendant

When I was in high school (yeah I’m THAT salty) I gave my girlfriend at the time a cross pendant that she adored. I spent like $100 on it of my hard earned Papa John’s money. Do you know how much $100 bucks is to a 17 year old? And she was a straight heathen. Her legs spent so much time in the air she could never be grounded. But she just had to have that pendant and I just had to get it for her. At least she always took it off when I was climbing in her window. But I swear that I never snatched her people up.

2. Toni Tony Tone Sons of Soul album

I wrote an entire post about this but to paraphrase. I buy you CD. You take CD and give me hug. You run tell dat to dude you like and give him a kiss. You two then go on to celebrate beaucoup anniversaries…while listening to CD I bought you. Whatever, I don’t really give an eff ewe see kay. Eff your couch anyway though.

3. My Morehouse tshirt

Every chick jacks their man’s tshirts. It’s in the dating rulebook right after thou shalt fellate without teeth, thou shalt cometh off thine favorite tshirt. So I did. Thing is, ole girl got me for a limited edition tshirt. For folks that were in the AUC back in the late 90s, there were TWO places to get school gear, Collegiate and the TKO store on Clark’s campus. They all sold limited edition sh*t. If you didn’t get that shirt or jacket the day it came out, you weren’t getting it. Ole girl got me for my Morehouse “Ha” tshirt. Late 90′s Black college alumns know those shirts. I hate her by the way.

4. Those really purdy exotic roses I copped at that one store it took me 4 hours to find in Atlanta

Boy was I stupid. I found these REALLY dope oddly colored roses that were basically genetically altered and because I was smitten over this wilted-arse dandelion chick I paid my hard earned customer service rep money for them. And when I personally delivered said flowers to your door at 5am in the morning so that you’d wake up to them what did you say to me? “Aww, thanks. You should hold them for me at your place.” Ouch, baby. Very ouch. Man do I wish I’d given those flowers to somebody who might have appreciated them…like a homeless person.

That will do for now. I actually have a lot more but if I tell you some things I got for women somebody might call me a compassionate gentleman or something and we can’t have that. Besides, everybody knows that I’m a motherf*cking monster.

So good people of VSB, it’s Friday. Let’s put it out there. Let your heart be free. Take back your gifts, if oooooonly for toooooonight.

It’s okay, we’ve got your back.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40p aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Keep The Receipt: 5 Terrible Gift Ideas For This Holiday Season

fruitcakeWe’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh.  And what does nigh mean?

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes).  It really is the most wonderful time…of the year.  Giving and receiving.  Happy mornings and happy endings.  Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts.  There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it.  Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving.  There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving.  We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times.  Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants.  Period.

It’s the least I can do.  ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1)  Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey.  Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something.  Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999.  Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go.  At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of  your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling?  Well, ladies you’re in luck.  Except you’re not.  This is a terrible gift.  The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real.  However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud.  I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.

*smile*

3)  The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja?  This sh*t right here?  Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough.  But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level.  Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea.  This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level.  By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4)  The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here.  The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole.  Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama.  As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro?  No?  I think too much?  Ok. Ok. You’re right.  You’re right.

5)  This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people.   What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive.  Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3