Tag Archives: fun

Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those Without Plans Or People To Plan Stuff With

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In less than a week, the Hallmark creation that has complicated more relationships than Facebook will descend upon, well, everybody. Nobody is immune from Valentine’s Day. If you have somebody, you’re reminded that you need to make it memorable. If you don’t have anybody, everyday without a date is like your alarm clock on snooze: sure you’d like to sleep thru V-day, but television, Sarah Palin’s hand notes, and CVS’s discount rack keep reminding you that you’ve got nobody.

Like, nothing AND nobody. As in loneliness.

As of 10pm, both of the VSBs had somebody to spend Valentine’s day with, but that doesn’t mean we can’t empathize with those individuals sans date. We make it our business to be in business of problem solving and world happiness. It’s a gift and a curse really. Kind of like Jay’s Blueprint 2, except we’re actually worth listening to.

Odd question time: Didn’t Jay’s inclusion in the Super Bowl and his “mashup” seem kind of forced? I’m as big a fan of Jay as everybody else and Reasonable Doubt is hands down one of the 5 albums I couldn’t live without, but when it’s all said and done, aside from a number’s game, is Jay’s actual musical contribution that noteworthy? Just fodder for convo. Short of the first Blueprint, has Jay really spearheaded music into any new territories? He changed hip-hop for a few years and he’s the GOAT and all, but I find him performing with like a 40-piece orchestra, slightly ridiculous and an overstatement.

So here’s some ideas to get your motor running (since you have to do it yourself anyway  – no roadside assistance):

1) Crocheting – It’s slightly scary how many 30+ women I know who are actually into crocheting as a hobby. I used to assume that it was for the 70+ crowd since there really isn’t sh*t else to do while you wait to meet Jesus. Plus it doesn’t require much mobility, and what with all the old mothertruckers killing people at Whole Foods and outdoor markets, anything that keeps seniors in their rocking chairs is alright with me. Anyway, all it takes is some string, some needles (no Baltimore) and some creativity. Oh yeah, and talent, which is hard to come by. However, you were probably going to spend all your time watching pr0n, throw in a crocheting DVD and learn a skill you might actually use.

2) Snuggie Beer Crawl - They had one of these in DC a few months back and I heard about them in Chicago as well. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. And trust me, most people running around in Snuggies in broad daylight or at a bar are doing this because they don’t have anybody in their lives who loves them enough to say, “hey, stop it.” Love Misery loves company so just send out of those viral emails that results in legions of virgins and 16-year old college seniors meeting up and arguing about the 382nd number of pi. Beats the hell out of a solo Snuggie Beer Crawl which I’m pretty sure is called being sloppy drunk which is like so, ewww.

3) Online Battleship - This game f*cking rocks when you play with real people so I assume it’s pretty cool when you play against ROBOT1 too. Then again, with the advances in Internet technology, you can probably play legions of games with other gamers from across the world. And technically, if you plan to do it ahead of time it’s a date, so there you go. You can have a date with BigRobLove735. You just can’t see or touch him. We call that marriage at age 80.

4) Netflix Night – You probably suck at picking movies for a group of people. But fret not, MOST PEOPLE suck at picking movies for a group. But lucky for you, you have nobody to please but yourself so it can be all The Tale of Desperaux, A Scanner Darkly, and The Tony Yayo Story, to your heart’s content.

So good hearted people of the VSB, what are some other Valentine’s Day alternatives that folks might not think about?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

ADMIN NOTE: On February 18, I’ll be at FAMU as a guest speaker at their 4th State of the Black Student Summit along with Dr. Steve Perry, Enitan Bereola, TJ Rose and another celeb panelist. I’m honored to be asked to be there and speak on the Edification of The Black Man. I know nothing about Tallahassee so I’ll be depending on you folks to let me know what to get into (if anything). Do we have any FAMU folks here…holla at the kid. Anyway, bigups to FAMU for bringing Panama “I Speak of Myself in 3rd Person” Jackson to speak about Blackness, no Kool-Aid.

10 Things You Need To Know If You Ever Play Spades

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picture-8Spades is the official card game of the African-American community.  I don’t want to hear about bid whist or gin.  I almost think it should be taught to little Black boys and girls since anytime I meet a Black person who can’t play spades…

…I don’t trust them and think their upbringing was lacking.

Spades is the kind of game people get stabbed over.  Friendships have been f*cked, relationships ruined, and new love interests have turned to utter disgust at their very sight.  This can happen all within a matter of seconds.

Thing is, all of this can be avoided – quite simply too.  You see, just like anything in life, there are rules to this sh*t.  Here are 10.

1.  Never ever ever ever ever overstate your spades abilities. More fights could be avoided if somebody didn’t front like they were better than they are.  If you’ve been playing spades for a solid 2 weeks, there’s no way you’re going to be able to team up with somebody who’s been playing for 10 years.  Stay in your lane, Hyundai.

2.  Because rules differ by region, ALWAYS MOTHERF*CKING ASK THE RULES IF YOU’RE NEW TO THE CREW THAT’S PLAYING. This serves two purposes: 1) you won’t be the reason your team loses because you “didn’t know” that the 2 of Diamonds trumps the 2 of Spades; and 2) you won’t have to say some stupid sh*t like, “well I didn’t know because we don’t play like that where I’m from” which will more than likely piss of your partner who assumed you knew since you probably pretended you could hang no matter where you were.  Don’t die behind the deuce, dumas.

3.  Do not be wrong on calling out somebody for renigging. Saying somebody renigged gets the same reaction as a white chick saying she was raped by a Black man in the 1800s.  Anger, disbelief, etc.  You better be right and you better be able to pick out the book that’s fugazi.  Saying somebody renigged is basically calling them liars.  In the wild West, it got you shot.  In Brooklyn, it might get you street sweepered.  Plus if you’re wrong, your partner pays the price.  Be sure, b*tch.

4.  Don’t talk across the board. You ain’t bleeding and and everybody knows what you mean when you start mentioning the Black B*tch.  You’re not fooling anybody.  Just stop it.  People have been shot for less.

5.  If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. Do not be the jacka** who stands up, sticks the cards to his forehead, and talks beaucoup sh*t when winning if you get all salty and b*tchmade when  your’e down 100, you Game a** ninja..  Real talk, I’ve seen fights break out because of trash-talking at the spades table.  I’ve also been involved in one.  I shouldn’t have slapped that dude with the Big Joker.  Oh well, we won.

6.  Play to win.  If you have Ace’s, lead with them.  Don’t try to get cute by starting out with a 10 of Hearts just to see what everybody else has like that’s a real strategy.

Speaking of…

7.  Learning how to properly count books and possibles is a skill.  (And everybody can’t do it). I HATE people who constantly underbid because they don’t know how to read their hand.  If you have 13 cards and only 1 of them is a Heart, well, you have CUT CARDS.  That means you probably have more books than you think.  On the other hand, if you have 6 spades, ranging from 3-8, well, you just might not have the 8 books that you think you do.  Plus, depending on where you’re playing, sandbagging might get you f*cked up in the game.

8.  Pay attention to the cards that are being played. More people suck at spades because they don’t know how to read the table.  Observation will get you everywhere.  Stop looking at the chicks who aren’t watching you watching you play.

9.  Make sure you know which Joker is the BIG Joker. This is important enough to get its own line.  I will be ready to fight you if you “think” you have the BIG Joker and you don’t.  Ask before you start playing dummy.  Then again, if I’d chosen my partner wisely,  I wouldn’t have had that problem.  Bitter daze.

10.  If you must be cocky and animated, PRACTICE YOUR DAMN CARD SLAP ON YOUR OWN TIME. I’ve mastered the slap-and-spin.  Whether on the table by itself or on top of other cards.  My cut-card will spin like its life depended on it.  Also, I like to get that nice crisp slap that just lets other people around know you just got your a** handed to you.  And I will slap the table with cards a lot.  I win, b*tch.

BONUS:  As with any game, if you lose, get your happy a** up off the table, say good game and congratulate the people who beat you.  Nobody likes the Lebron a** ninjas salty b*tches who can’t take losing with dignity.

These were just 1o of the general rules associated with playing spades and keeping your life.  What are the other rules people need to know about spades playing??

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push dvd -VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

watch blood on satan s claw online

I Am Coming To America.

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Everyday, there are a gang of websites that I have to check before I get my day going:  Allhiphop, vh1, Nah Right, ESPN, CNN to name a few.

But the site that I spend most of my time on (aside from VSB, ya know, when it WASN’T blocked at my job) is The Smoking Section (TSS).  I love this site and all of the interesting music news, contests, and interviews they provide.  You may or may not know this about me, but I’m a music junkie and a hip-hop head.  And despite liking Ray-J (heh heh heh) I’m a serious music snob; ironic given that fact that I love crappy R&B just as much as anything.

Viva la Jagged Edge.

Anyway, you never know what you’ll find at TSS and a couple of weeks ago, they put up something that I think every Black person in America should be forced to complete at some point in their life.  It’s a quiz about the bestest (well at least my personal favorite) movie ever, Coming To America.  I watch this movie every time it comes on television, edited or unedited.  I own it and if I even think I lost it, I’d go buy another copy – much the same way I’d react if I thought I lost ATCQ’s Midnight Maruaders, Jay-Z’s Reasonable Doubt or De La Soul’s de la soul is dead.

Well since it’s Friday and we all need a pre-weekend release, I figured I’d up the Coming To America quiz that they posted on their site and see how good our CTA acumen is around here.  Mind you, they never posted the answers (to my knowledge, anyway) so we’ll have to rely on the fact that so many folks come around here that we’ll have all of our bases covered to answer all of the questions.

And there are some definite stumpers.

With that said, are you ready?

Set?

“Sheeeeeeeeee’s your queeeeeeeeeen…”

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Here you go.  Have at it.

Courtesy of The Smoking Section courtesy of Suave

Coming To America Quiz

1. What is Akeem’s full name?

2. “My name is Peaches…” what is her sister’s name?

3. Who is Dottie?

4. Who falls down the stairs and farts?

5. In the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, how many women are wearing a thong bikini?

6. Who directed Coming to America?

7. What year and month did Coming to America hit the theaters?

8. “It’s got one window facing a brick wall. I used to rent it to a blind man” How is this later contradicted?

9. How does the king punish Semmi?

10. What is the name of Randy Watson’s band?

11. What is the big difference between the Big Mic and the Big Mac?

12. What is the address to McDowells?

13. Who plays Mrs. McDowell?

14. How does Akeem really know Mortimer and Randolph?

15. Besides Martin Luther King, who does Mr. Clarence claimed to have met?

16. What is the name of Akeem’s pet elephant?

17. What is the name of the Jackie Wilson song Akeem sings?

18. How many characters do Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall play in the movie?

19. Who does Semmi end up falling in love with?

20. What famous South African chorus sings the opening sequence of the movie?

21. Why can’t Darryl help stop the robbery at Mc Dowells?

22. What airline do Akeem and Semmi fly to America?

23. What university does Akeem claim he attends?

24. James Earl Jones and Madge Sinclair, also play King and Queen in what other famous movie?

25. What famous singer choreographed the African dance leading to Imani’s reveal?

26. In what part of the movie does John Landis make his director’s cameo?

27. What is Imani’s favorite food?

28. Who originally came up with the fictional name Zamunda?

29. How old was Joe Louis when he fought Rocky Marcianno according to Mr. Clarence?

30. How much did Akeem spend on the Ruby earrings for Lisa?

Good luck.  Let’s get it.

And by the way, if you don’t know the answer to #10, your Black card is indefinitely revoked and you should go throw yourself in front of a Semi…no pun intended, UNLESS you’re a foreigner.

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Take Me Out.

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Courtesy of Ms Patterson – “some dude took me to see rosewood on a date when it first came out and i cried for like 10 minutes while the credits rolled. it really killed the date vibe…as a matter of fact the whole movie killed the date vibe. that was the equivalent of taking someone on a date to see Schlinder’s List…bad move.”

Intellectual Hedonist – “perhaps a friday future blog? movies not to take a date to/or movies that kill the mood”

Well hot damn, it’s like a Friday post was just gift wrapped and handed down from the Friday post Gods.

Except it’s Thursday. But we’ll pretend its Friday since we know that none of you all will actually be at work on Friday. And if by chance you MUST work on Friday, well may God have mercy on your employer’s soul.

So tonight I went to see Hancock. What a great movie. It was entertaining and comedic and romantic and had a good storyline. That my friends, is a perfect movie date. It leaves lots of room for hand holding and innocently guilty touching and fun conversation that spins off the movie.

Basically, Hancock is the kind of movie that keeps the mood light and fluffy and is the perfect set up for some light and fluffy. Heh heh heh.

Rosewood? Not so much. I don’t know about you, but when I saw it, I was mad at white people for at LEAST 15 minutes. Nevermind I saw it with my white family. Needless to say, there were some very tense moments once the movie ended. Luckily they’re my family and we just drank the night away and all was well in our interracial world.

Rosewood is a total blower and kills the mood you’re trying to set when you go out on a date. The whole purpose of dates is to progress the possibility of seeing somebody naked. In order to do this, you generally need smiles and giggles. And if you throw in a smiley face on a napkin, well you’re in there. Because as we all know:

Bitches love the smiley face.

Now it’s entirely possible that going to see a documentary about blood diamonds where 90 percent of the interviewees don’t have arms will get somebody in the mood. Just wouldn’t be anybody I’d ever want to date. However, for most people, light and fluffy = thumbs up.

Depressing, uber-reflective, and tragic = no drawz that night.

So good people of VSB.com, what are some movies that might kill the mood on a date? And because I’m feeling benevolent, what are some movies that will work every time if you’re trying to set a naked positive tone on a date? And for the hell of it, we’ll assume that this could be a date you bring home since The Money Pit is no longer playing in theaters.

Sharing is caring people. Sharing is caring.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST