Represent, Represent: This Is Me. This Is Me Meeting You.

My rep looks a lot like MC Gusto.

My rep looks a lot like MC Gusto.

So you know how folks say that when you first meet somebody and start dating, etc, that its your rep calling all the shots and being front and center? Well of course I believe this. I also believe in magic and miracles. Oh, and that I can fly. I totes can fly.

Or at least my representative can. My representative can do anything he sets his mind too. My representative can whip your representative’s ass and then tell you a gallant tale about the time he cut Joe Louis’s hair. Or something like that.

Thing is, while most of us do fully intend to be our true selves, we mostly bring the version of ourselves that we love to the table. See, while I can be remarkably jovial, the truth is, most times I sit alone in my four cornered room staring at candles. But if ever I go on a date, well I’m going to be the happiest go luckiest mofo lowdown around this town. There’s nothing wrong with this, believe it or not because both people tend to bring their reps to the table.

Sure she can’t cook, but she’ll talk about her favorite thing to cook that one time she cooked. No, he can’t change a tire, but he’ll overstate how helpful he was that one time he watched his boy rebuild a transmission and how it made him feel like a man.

Recently I got told that I “play a f*cking character online”. This made me think of my representative. So here’s the rundown of the Panama Jackson rep. [Sidenote: I'm pretty consistently the same person in person that I am online, or at all times in general as I suppose most people are...but its always fun to do some self-analysis.]. Who is my representative?

1. He talks passionately about politics

I’ve said before that I couldn’t care less about politics; ironic considering my employment. But he can wax philosophical about current events, political disposition and name at least 50 Congresspeoples.

2. He relates to foodies

You know who isn’t a foodie? Moi. In fact, I’m so unfoodiesque that I openly eschew fancy pants little exclusive restaurants for wings. A ninja like me, likes wings. But, interestingly enough, I’ve been to and tried an inordinate number of swanky, expensive bistros and places that only use cloth napkins. Real talk, as long as the fancy ass restaurant has wings, we can go there any time of day boo.

3. He’s into home decor and interior decorating best practices

Okay, this one might actually be true at all times. HGTV really is my channel. Hmm…

4. He likes Robin Thicke

I can’t for the life of me figure out why people love Robin Thicke, but my representative can find some appreciation for a few songs of his. Though I can’t lie, this all goes bad as soon as the discussion turns to “Lost Without You”. That’s the point where I give up on it all and start singing the praises of “Pop That” and why French Montana, while being detrimental to mankind love the kids as much as Wu Tang.

5. Doesn’t know who David Tutera is.

Aha…the opposite day one. Can’t come off as too into stuff like “Say Yes To The Dress” at first right? Women scoff at stuff like this at first then, expect you to want to watch it with them later. Funny how time flies when you’re making love this stuff works. Seriously, can somebody explain that one to me?

So while nobody condones lying, and I definitely believe everybody should be themselves. And to be clear, these are all parts of me just not the parts I spend the most time developing of myself. I think we all bring a certain version of ourselves to different tables. So who sits at the table when you first meet somebody new? And don’t pretend like everybody’s perfect. It’s Friday…

…who’s your rep?

Petey Jakes. Out. <—- That’s my rep’s name. He’s a rapper.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. OH NO HE DIDNT YES HE DID aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

18 Questions For Dat Azz On A Friday

Hey, young world. It’s Friday in the land before time and your wife is cheatin’ on us. Thanks to Richard “Dimples” Fields, there is a song called “Your Wife Is Cheatin’ On Us”. And the actual song sounds as ridiculous as the title.To be fair though, it sounds like the kind of song a ninja named “Dimples” would make. Down to the singing.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, after all of that wortwhile and whimsy discussion over the past few days, I figured I’d drop a few things on you all that have been on my mind for a lil while. Janet Jackson suggested that we wait a while, but then she also said anytime, anyplace.

I was going somewhere with that, but forget it. I give up. Let’s get right into some things that have been on my mind for a while. 18 questions, if you will.

And in general, these are all things that keep me up at night and would stand to create at least 2 or 3 hours of solid, actual debate and discussion amongst me and my friends. Welcome to my world. Whose house? P’s house.

1. Just when in the hell did bacon become so popular? Seriously, bacon has had like the best two years ever. It’s always been good, but when did it get a PR team and become the hottest thing since The Beatles?

And then there's that.

And then there’s that.

2. Am I wrong or was DeVoe the least talented member of New Edition? I got into an argument with my boy about this the other day. He steadfastly defends that Biv was the least talented as he claims DeVoe was the best dancer in the group. I think this is wrong since Bobby was clearly the best dancer. Here’s my hierarchy of New Edition, talentwise: Ralph, Bobby, Johnny, Ricky, Biv, DeVoe.

3. When was the last “neighborhood” ass whippin that didn’t result in somebody’s parents calling the police? Back in the day you could get beat by all your neighbors before you got home for doing something stupid. Now? Your own parents are afraid to beat you. When did this happen?

4. Here’s a good questions that is probably not really a good question at all: when you start dating somebody, are you responsible for their self-esteem? Like should you make it a point to do your best to ensure that they have the highest sense of self? Or should you just make sure you’re not doing anything to destroy their esteem. Seems like a stupid question, but think about it.

5. If you put 2 bloggers in a room, and take away their blogs….are they still bloggers?

6. Let’s settle this once and for all, Michelle Obama…hot or hot because she gives Obama street cred?

7. Why are elected officials whose sole job is to come up with new and innovative ways to fix problems ONLY able to come up with solutions that either haven’t worked in the past or are too stupid to possibly work in the future? How can a nation full of innovators manage to assume that if you put daddy in the house all problems will be fixed? I was raised by my daddy and it’s amazing I’m not doing federal prison time right now. Real spit.

8. Which was a more significant non-reality Black death, Ricky or Stringer? And if either of those names constitutes a spoiler alert for you, then I feel sorry for your mother.

9. Hell, what was the most significant Black death in a movie? I’ve got some theories, but I’m curious.

10. I once heard that profanity is the last resort of a person with limited vocabulary. I’ve always disagreed with this since I’ve definitely dropped perpetuity and lascivious in a convo earlier today. This made me think something, I find that the ability to curse well is an attractive quality in a woman. Not that I need a woman who curses up a storm, but I can appreciate it. I just realized that sounds like I hang with people named Mendeecees.

Speaking of…

11. I said this on Twitter earlier, but I don’t feel like there’s enough conversation around the fact that 1) a man named Mendeecees and a woman named Yandy managed to find each other AND find love; and 2) two people with those names doesn’t even move the needle in 2013.

12. Neither of those last two items were questions? Also, does adding a question mark make something a question? I don’t think so. But you can make an argument.

13. If you answer a rhetorical question, is it truly rhetorical? Philosophy my brother, use it or lose it.

14. Best Janet Jackson album? I’m torn between Rhythm Nation and Janet. I’d take both of those albums out to dinner and pay. I think Janet gets the nod from me. But “Alright” is still my favorite song, like totes ever, by Janet Jackson.

15. Are there natural hair wigs out there? I can’t seem to find any in my Asian owned Black hair care store.

16. Would you love me in the morning without giving you half my dough, and even worse if I was broke would you want me?

17. Does Complex Magazine not have some of THE worst lists ever about music known to mankind? I think so.

18. Won’t you be my neighbor?

I think that’s it for me right now. These are questions that were on my mind. Have thee any burning questions on your mind? It’s freestyle Friday. Drop bombs on them. Ask away and start whatever discussion you want.

And…should you have answers to any of my questions…please share with a brotha.

Posse. Out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka I ASK YOU ANSWER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Those Without Plans Or People To Plan Stuff With

In less than a week, the Hallmark creation that has complicated more relationships than Facebook will descend upon, well, everybody. Nobody is immune from Valentine’s Day. If you have somebody, you’re reminded that you need to make it memorable. If you don’t have anybody, everyday without a date is like your alarm clock on snooze: sure you’d like to sleep thru V-day, but television, Sarah Palin’s hand notes, and CVS’s discount rack keep reminding you that you’ve got nobody.

Like, nothing AND nobody. As in loneliness.

As of 10pm, both of the VSBs had somebody to spend Valentine’s day with, but that doesn’t mean we can’t empathize with those individuals sans date. We make it our business to be in business of problem solving and world happiness. It’s a gift and a curse really. Kind of like Jay’s Blueprint 2, except we’re actually worth listening to.

Odd question time: Didn’t Jay’s inclusion in the Super Bowl and his “mashup” seem kind of forced? I’m as big a fan of Jay as everybody else and Reasonable Doubt is hands down one of the 5 albums I couldn’t live without, but when it’s all said and done, aside from a number’s game, is Jay’s actual musical contribution that noteworthy? Just fodder for convo. Short of the first Blueprint, has Jay really spearheaded music into any new territories? He changed hip-hop for a few years and he’s the GOAT and all, but I find him performing with like a 40-piece orchestra, slightly ridiculous and an overstatement.

So here’s some ideas to get your motor running (since you have to do it yourself anyway  – no roadside assistance):

1) Crocheting – It’s slightly scary how many 30+ women I know who are actually into crocheting as a hobby. I used to assume that it was for the 70+ crowd since there really isn’t sh*t else to do while you wait to meet Jesus. Plus it doesn’t require much mobility, and what with all the old mothertruckers killing people at Whole Foods and outdoor markets, anything that keeps seniors in their rocking chairs is alright with me. Anyway, all it takes is some string, some needles (no Baltimore) and some creativity. Oh yeah, and talent, which is hard to come by. However, you were probably going to spend all your time watching pr0n, throw in a crocheting DVD and learn a skill you might actually use.

2) Snuggie Beer Crawl - They had one of these in DC a few months back and I heard about them in Chicago as well. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. And trust me, most people running around in Snuggies in broad daylight or at a bar are doing this because they don’t have anybody in their lives who loves them enough to say, “hey, stop it.” Love Misery loves company so just send out of those viral emails that results in legions of virgins and 16-year old college seniors meeting up and arguing about the 382nd number of pi. Beats the hell out of a solo Snuggie Beer Crawl which I’m pretty sure is called being sloppy drunk which is like so, ewww.

3) Online Battleship - This game f*cking rocks when you play with real people so I assume it’s pretty cool when you play against ROBOT1 too. Then again, with the advances in Internet technology, you can probably play legions of games with other gamers from across the world. And technically, if you plan to do it ahead of time it’s a date, so there you go. You can have a date with BigRobLove735. You just can’t see or touch him. We call that marriage at age 80.

4) Netflix Night – You probably suck at picking movies for a group of people. But fret not, MOST PEOPLE suck at picking movies for a group. But lucky for you, you have nobody to please but yourself so it can be all The Tale of Desperaux, A Scanner Darkly, and The Tony Yayo Story, to your heart’s content.

So good hearted people of the VSB, what are some other Valentine’s Day alternatives that folks might not think about?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

ADMIN NOTE: On February 18, I’ll be at FAMU as a guest speaker at their 4th State of the Black Student Summit along with Dr. Steve Perry, Enitan Bereola, TJ Rose and another celeb panelist. I’m honored to be asked to be there and speak on the Edification of The Black Man. I know nothing about Tallahassee so I’ll be depending on you folks to let me know what to get into (if anything). Do we have any FAMU folks here…holla at the kid. Anyway, bigups to FAMU for bringing Panama “I Speak of Myself in 3rd Person” Jackson to speak about Blackness, no Kool-Aid.

10 Things You Need To Know If You Ever Play Spades

picture-8Spades is the official card game of the African-American community.  I don’t want to hear about bid whist or gin.  I almost think it should be taught to little Black boys and girls since anytime I meet a Black person who can’t play spades…

…I don’t trust them and think their upbringing was lacking.

Spades is the kind of game people get stabbed over.  Friendships have been f*cked, relationships ruined, and new love interests have turned to utter disgust at their very sight.  This can happen all within a matter of seconds.

Thing is, all of this can be avoided – quite simply too.  You see, just like anything in life, there are rules to this sh*t.  Here are 10.

1.  Never ever ever ever ever overstate your spades abilities. More fights could be avoided if somebody didn’t front like they were better than they are.  If you’ve been playing spades for a solid 2 weeks, there’s no way you’re going to be able to team up with somebody who’s been playing for 10 years.  Stay in your lane, Hyundai.

2.  Because rules differ by region, ALWAYS MOTHERF*CKING ASK THE RULES IF YOU’RE NEW TO THE CREW THAT’S PLAYING. This serves two purposes: 1) you won’t be the reason your team loses because you “didn’t know” that the 2 of Diamonds trumps the 2 of Spades; and 2) you won’t have to say some stupid sh*t like, “well I didn’t know because we don’t play like that where I’m from” which will more than likely piss of your partner who assumed you knew since you probably pretended you could hang no matter where you were.  Don’t die behind the deuce, dumas.

3.  Do not be wrong on calling out somebody for renigging. Saying somebody renigged gets the same reaction as a white chick saying she was raped by a Black man in the 1800s.  Anger, disbelief, etc.  You better be right and you better be able to pick out the book that’s fugazi.  Saying somebody renigged is basically calling them liars.  In the wild West, it got you shot.  In Brooklyn, it might get you street sweepered.  Plus if you’re wrong, your partner pays the price.  Be sure, b*tch.

4.  Don’t talk across the board. You ain’t bleeding and and everybody knows what you mean when you start mentioning the Black B*tch.  You’re not fooling anybody.  Just stop it.  People have been shot for less.

5.  If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. Do not be the jacka** who stands up, sticks the cards to his forehead, and talks beaucoup sh*t when winning if you get all salty and b*tchmade when  your’e down 100, you Game a** ninja..  Real talk, I’ve seen fights break out because of trash-talking at the spades table.  I’ve also been involved in one.  I shouldn’t have slapped that dude with the Big Joker.  Oh well, we won.

6.  Play to win.  If you have Ace’s, lead with them.  Don’t try to get cute by starting out with a 10 of Hearts just to see what everybody else has like that’s a real strategy.

Speaking of…

7.  Learning how to properly count books and possibles is a skill.  (And everybody can’t do it). I HATE people who constantly underbid because they don’t know how to read their hand.  If you have 13 cards and only 1 of them is a Heart, well, you have CUT CARDS.  That means you probably have more books than you think.  On the other hand, if you have 6 spades, ranging from 3-8, well, you just might not have the 8 books that you think you do.  Plus, depending on where you’re playing, sandbagging might get you f*cked up in the game.

8.  Pay attention to the cards that are being played. More people suck at spades because they don’t know how to read the table.  Observation will get you everywhere.  Stop looking at the chicks who aren’t watching you watching you play.

9.  Make sure you know which Joker is the BIG Joker. This is important enough to get its own line.  I will be ready to fight you if you “think” you have the BIG Joker and you don’t.  Ask before you start playing dummy.  Then again, if I’d chosen my partner wisely,  I wouldn’t have had that problem.  Bitter daze.

10.  If you must be cocky and animated, PRACTICE YOUR DAMN CARD SLAP ON YOUR OWN TIME. I’ve mastered the slap-and-spin.  Whether on the table by itself or on top of other cards.  My cut-card will spin like its life depended on it.  Also, I like to get that nice crisp slap that just lets other people around know you just got your a** handed to you.  And I will slap the table with cards a lot.  I win, b*tch.

BONUS:  As with any game, if you lose, get your happy a** up off the table, say good game and congratulate the people who beat you.  Nobody likes the Lebron a** ninjas salty b*tches who can’t take losing with dignity.

These were just 1o of the general rules associated with playing spades and keeping your life.  What are the other rules people need to know about spades playing??

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push dvd -VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

watch blood on satan s claw online

I Am Coming To America.

Everyday, there are a gang of websites that I have to check before I get my day going:  Allhiphop, vh1, Nah Right, ESPN, CNN to name a few.

But the site that I spend most of my time on (aside from VSB, ya know, when it WASN’T blocked at my job) is The Smoking Section (TSS).  I love this site and all of the interesting music news, contests, and interviews they provide.  You may or may not know this about me, but I’m a music junkie and a hip-hop head.  And despite liking Ray-J (heh heh heh) I’m a serious music snob; ironic given that fact that I love crappy R&B just as much as anything.

Viva la Jagged Edge.

Anyway, you never know what you’ll find at TSS and a couple of weeks ago, they put up something that I think every Black person in America should be forced to complete at some point in their life.  It’s a quiz about the bestest (well at least my personal favorite) movie ever, Coming To America.  I watch this movie every time it comes on television, edited or unedited.  I own it and if I even think I lost it, I’d go buy another copy – much the same way I’d react if I thought I lost ATCQ’s Midnight Maruaders, Jay-Z’s Reasonable Doubt or De La Soul’s de la soul is dead.

Well since it’s Friday and we all need a pre-weekend release, I figured I’d up the Coming To America quiz that they posted on their site and see how good our CTA acumen is around here.  Mind you, they never posted the answers (to my knowledge, anyway) so we’ll have to rely on the fact that so many folks come around here that we’ll have all of our bases covered to answer all of the questions.

And there are some definite stumpers.

With that said, are you ready?

Set?

“Sheeeeeeeeee’s your queeeeeeeeeen…”

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Here you go.  Have at it.

Courtesy of The Smoking Section courtesy of Suave

Coming To America Quiz

1. What is Akeem’s full name?

2. “My name is Peaches…” what is her sister’s name?

3. Who is Dottie?

4. Who falls down the stairs and farts?

5. In the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, how many women are wearing a thong bikini?

6. Who directed Coming to America?

7. What year and month did Coming to America hit the theaters?

8. “It’s got one window facing a brick wall. I used to rent it to a blind man” How is this later contradicted?

9. How does the king punish Semmi?

10. What is the name of Randy Watson’s band?

11. What is the big difference between the Big Mic and the Big Mac?

12. What is the address to McDowells?

13. Who plays Mrs. McDowell?

14. How does Akeem really know Mortimer and Randolph?

15. Besides Martin Luther King, who does Mr. Clarence claimed to have met?

16. What is the name of Akeem’s pet elephant?

17. What is the name of the Jackie Wilson song Akeem sings?

18. How many characters do Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall play in the movie?

19. Who does Semmi end up falling in love with?

20. What famous South African chorus sings the opening sequence of the movie?

21. Why can’t Darryl help stop the robbery at Mc Dowells?

22. What airline do Akeem and Semmi fly to America?

23. What university does Akeem claim he attends?

24. James Earl Jones and Madge Sinclair, also play King and Queen in what other famous movie?

25. What famous singer choreographed the African dance leading to Imani’s reveal?

26. In what part of the movie does John Landis make his director’s cameo?

27. What is Imani’s favorite food?

28. Who originally came up with the fictional name Zamunda?

29. How old was Joe Louis when he fought Rocky Marcianno according to Mr. Clarence?

30. How much did Akeem spend on the Ruby earrings for Lisa?

Good luck.  Let’s get it.

And by the way, if you don’t know the answer to #10, your Black card is indefinitely revoked and you should go throw yourself in front of a Semi…no pun intended, UNLESS you’re a foreigner.

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3