10 Reasons Not To Date Dimes

They are sooooooooooooooo fine.

While many men seem to believe that trying to date a supermodel doppelganger who straddles the line between Esther Baxter and the chick from the Palm Pre ad is a must-do in life, I’m here to tell you that sleeping with women who sleep with the Hornets is probably an overrated experience. Well, that is if you want anything more than another notch on your belt, like say a future. Here are 10 reasons you shouldn’t date a dime: Continue reading

Anniversary Deez: Songs That Done Been Ruint

By most accounts, Tony!Toni!Tone!’s song “Anniversary” is a great song. It was a top 10 song on both the Billboard Pop Charts and the R&B charts when it was released back in 1993 (!). It was on their double platinum album, Sons of Soul, a multi-platinum album which, again, by most accounts was pretty doggone good.

Except I hate both. I own every album by the group except that one. When I found out DJ Quik had produced their song, “Let’s Get Down” I was totally sold. Of course, “Let’s Get Down” sounds a lot like the MC Eiht diss track, “Dollaz + $en$e” but that’s neither here nor there.

Fact is, I HATE “Anniversary”. And considering how that song gets played on people’s anniversaries probably daily at this point doesn’t help. It’s like a stake being driven through my heart, every time.

You want to know why, don’t you?

Of course you do.

Have you seen my copy editor? No?

F*ck it. Mo’ for me.

It was 1993 and I’d just moved to a new school in a new community and had begun gathering friends. Well the best friend of my sister’s new best friend’s cousin’s homegirl had said that she had had a girl that would be great for me to meet. Now, me being the 3 that I am wasn’t always such a hot commodity. Like I said yesterday, I had a little Urkel thing going on. Plus I was short. Like Skeelo’s song “I Wish” was my theme music on some Shaft sh*t.

But I was confident. She went to our rival high school but I wanted to meet her and since I was new, I was still riding high of the new kid buzz. So I meet this young lady, and man is she hot. I was flabbergasted at just how hot she was (turns out she later ended up marrying a very popular Dallas Cowboy). I’m guessing she was less than enthused with yours truly (perhaps I was  2 back then), but she thought I was nice and sweet and all the things little lap dogs are. And her birthday was coming up. So I, Prince Charming, asked her what she wanted and it was that TonyX3 album.

While I may be rich in friends, love, and baseball cards, money has always been a struggle. Basically, I had none but I was determined to get that CD for her. So I begged my parents for the $15 bucks and stole my parents car and drove to the mall to buy the album. On the night of a big football game between our school and hers I planned to give it to her. I’d heard the song “Anniversary” but I’d never really listened to it. Everybody comes back to my house after the game, ole girl included, with my crew of dudes (all football players…sans moi, Urkel) and in show of chivalrous generosity, I give her the CD with a big grin on my face.

She smiled. I smiled. She tore open the wrapping popped in the album to the song, “Anniversary” and played it and began singing. Sounded like an angel to my ears. Until…

…she proceeded to run up to my boy (who she apparently had a huge crush on) and tells him, “one day this will be our song!” and kisses him on the lips.

In my house. In my motherf*cking establishment.

So yeah, f*ck the song “Anniversary” and f*ck Sons of Soul.

At least God, Allah, or whoever you pray too wasn’t messing with me, they went on to date for at least five years.

Well, you’ve heard my story, what songs have been ruined for you because of relationships, love, and alcohol?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Homies, Pals, Hombres and Hombrecitas.

Aside: I’m watching the Youth Ball on MTV right now in my city.  SOMEBODY please get Kanye some clippers and a haircut.  Please.  He seems to be growing a shag.  He doesn’t seem to know it.  Thank you.

President Barack Obama.  It’s official.

We major?  Come on homie, we major.

And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Back to work.

How many of you have moved from one city to another at some point, by yourself?  How many of you have moved to a city where you pretty much didn’t know anybody and had to – gulp – make friends?  And to complete the murder, how many of you AREN’T Greek and ARE guys?

Mmhmm.

The older you get, social networking becomes a part of your life, almost as important as not making eye contact with a crackhead or not getting your junk caught in a door while doing naked cartwheels.

Don’t ask.

No really, don’t ask.

But social networking can be completely awkward, especially if you’re not a gregarious person who’s okay with going out by yourself.  Which brings up a most awkward of awkward of situations – men trying to make new male friends.

I see a few of you harumphing out there, but think about it.  In this day and age of uber-pride and blatant homophobia and misguided paranoia (though all Black men are entitled to some paranoia), it’s extremely hard to make new male friends randomly.  Which sucks if you move to a new city.  Look, meeting women isn’t a problem for most guys, even the shyest of guys can meet a chick at work or at a work function pretty easily.  But truthfully, all men need male bonding.  We need to be around other guys so that we can lie to eachother about our exploits and talk sh*t about things we’ll never do.  Or also to go on (wo)manhunts to sow our royal oats.

Have you ever seen a guy trying to make new male friends?  There’s always a very funny conversation that occurs because, well, it is actually just damn funny because you get to witness grown ass men at their most vulnerable and awkward moment.

Scene:  Random book club where for some reason, only two males were invited.  End of book club where the two dudes have been the hit of the meeting b/c they’re both a**holes and comics at the same time – which both recognize

Guy A:  Man, you’re funny as hell.

Guy B:  You too…you slayed me.  Pause.

A:  Word.  We should hang sometime.

B:  Yeah.  We should.

5 minutes of more random talk occurs.

A:  Um, okay.  I’ll holler.

B:  Yeah, son.  See you around.  You coming to another one of these?

A:  I hope so.

B:  Okay, see you then.

Now, they both clearly want to hang but you know what’s REALLY difficult?

Abstract Algebra, that’s what.

But almost as hard is asking a grown ass man for his number.  Seriously.  It aint like meeting in college where friendships just happen.  Basically these two cats recognized that they could be friends, but male pride got in the way.  Fathers never teach their songs how to make male friends (read ask a grown man for his phone number after meeting once).  We just make friends over time.  They never teach us about moving to a new place and having to find new hombres.

Women seem to be able to do this easier because girls can exchange numbers and gush and all that stuff that makes men look vulnerable.  Now, the women might chuck eachother after a few days for whatever reason, but they can make friends – assuming they’re at the right place to meet likeminded people.  Granted, the same anxiety probably exists for women, but its amplified sevenfold for men.

Sad, I know.  And it is for that reason that I wanted to bring this plight to the masses.  Men need help.  So in the spirit of Obama and making a difference in the world, let’s help the brothas out.  How should grown ass men make new friends?  Do women have these same problems?  And if so, how does one overcome such obstacles?

Heal the world.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

BTW, I’m currently “twittering” (whatever that means) with the rest of the world.  Add me, I need validation.  LOL.  Joking.  www.twitter.com/panamajackson

two reasons why men are “better” at friendship than women are

one of my favorite educated guesses is the fact that, if you were to poll both genders about their “closest friends”, at least 25-30 percent of the women would probably name a man, while maybe 5-6 percent of the men would name a woman. although i have absolutely no statistical data to back me up, i’m completely sure that this is true, mainly because of the commonly held notion that men make better friends than women do.

as you’ve probably inferred, i happen to agree with this, but i’ve always wondered why it’s true. what exactly is it that makes a typical man better at friendship than a typical women would be?

today, in typical extraordinarily sexxxy vsb.com fashion, we’ll examine two reasons why men are “better” at friendship than women are.

1. sports

while it’s true that many men use sports as a bonding activity and/or entertainment venue, it’s main purpose is to serve as a completely subtle and in-depth subconscious character study. you see, the way a guy approaches sports usually provides a snapshot of his entire life.

***note. this also applies to women who have been involved in organized sports at some level. the female athlete’s i’ve known have all seemed to have healthier friendships than the “typical” woman***

if he’s been a die-hard fan of a team since childhood, he’s probably loyal to a fault (and also a bit stubborn). the basketball court ball-hog who’s pissing off all of his teammates by attempting all of the latest and-1 tricks during the games at the park is undoubtedly an immature assh*le who can’t be trusted, but you’d happily introduce your sister to the cat who never calls fouls and tries to get everyone involved (unless, of course, its jason kidd). if his favorite players are flashy, yet cancerous losers like t.o. or starbury, then you can assume that he’s lacking in the character department and is probably a diva dude in disguise.

also…

play fair. pass to the open man. take one for the team. compete your heart out, and shake hands afterwards. guard your man. pay attention. listen to your coach. don’t let the crowd distract you. play your position. know your role.

…many of the tenets learned through sports mimic the qualities most people value in a close friend.

the culture of sports provides a fool-proof character building, character testing, character challenging, and character evaluating process. there’s no equivalent for women, no analogous process that gives them the same test, a fact which gives many men an inherent edge on women when it comes to picking and being close friends.

2. men understand anthropology

why, you ask, is an understanding of anthropology important when discussing men and friendship? what does the “study of humanity” have do to with why guys make better friends than women do?

well, since anthropology is the study of humanity, and since a person well-versed in the study of humanity is somewhat familiar with recent population statistics, a man with a solid understanding of anthropology realizes that theres roughly 3.5 billion female humans on the planet.

basically, there’s enough ***insert crude euphemism for “vagina*** to go around, so there’s no use in sharing it…especially if its already been “tainted” by someone in our immediate circle.

we also understand that, in order to keep the population growing, we need to keep having sex. (preferably) with women. because we understand anthropology, we dont take it personally when one of our friends ditches us for a woman. in fact, we encourage and applaud it. we like the earth, and we want it to continue and sh*t.

hmmm. this all sounds about right to me. damn, it kind of sucks being right all of the time.

**actually, to be honest, it doesn’t suck. not at all.  i just couldn’t think of anything else to conclude the entry**

—the champ

Let’s Be Friends.

**Admin. Note: Vote ye. **

What do crack, bass jumping, and Dirty Sanchez’s have in common?

They’re all things that friends don’t let friends do.

Now of course, we’ve beaten dead the concept of male and female “platonic” friends (or lack thereof), but let’s assume for a second that it’s possible. There are definitely some behaviors that two friends should not engage in if they’re trying their best to uphold their friendship (read: attempting to ward off temptation, hormones, and IKEA).

Thing is, the fact that you are just-friends doesn’t mean that there won’t be any flirting or touchy-feely going on. Nope. It just means that both parties will generally make it a point not to let things get too far.

With that mind, let’s discuss a few things that Friends Just Don’t Let Friends Do, While Trying To Remain Just Friends…Even While Watching Friends.

1. friends don’t let friends give eachother backrubs.

If you’re trying to give your friend a backrub, you’re trying to see eachother naked. Point blank. Period. Rubbing of any sort is sensual. Why do you think the genie shows up AFTER you rub his lamp? Because he’s all up and excited. You can’t just knock on the lamp. He won’t answer. But rubbing? Oh yeah, he’s coming.
Pun.

2. friends don’t let friends kiss on the lips.

Short of being gay, there’s generally not a good reason to be kissing your just-friends on the lips at all. Then again, if there was any sort of tension in the air or awkwardness due to desire, you wouldn’t do it anyway since we all know when we’re in the question phase, we over analyze our every step anyway. But just to be on the safe side, if you do decide to kiss your friend and you start tasting Kool-Aid you know you didn’t drink…don’t say I didn’t warn you. And you can’t really be mad…you kissed eachother. It’s yo’ fault.

3. friends don’t let friends sleep with eachother.

We can add, or touch people in their special places to that as well.

Fellas…if you EVER meet a woman who tells you she can have sex with you with no strings attached…throw something at her and run like hell. She’s lying. No matter how much she tries to convince you she can, she’s a liar.

Just don’tt sleep with your friends. It just doesn’t make sense. Sure, we all have our moments of weakness, but you have them with folks you’ve thought about in vertical terms. If you go to thinking about your friends in vertical terms, it seems counterintuitive to think that they’re actual platonic friends. So stop it.

4. friends don’t let friends hold each other while sleeping.

Now this one gets tricky. I believe that a man and a woman can sleep in a bed together and not touch each other and it be all good. Hell, I’ve done it. It’s easier than it sounds. But if one person goes all cuddling up to the other one in the middle of the night and wants to be held, I’m raising a red flag. Holding is a prime way for feelings to develop. And you wouldn’t just snuggle up to anybody, now would you? Nope, somebody you truly trust and care about…and if you truly trust and care about them and are all arm locked and wake up and looking into each other’s eyes and smiling, you may end up going to the zoo. Zoo is a where love happens.

Besides, cuddling leads to relations. See #3.

5. friends don’t let friends hate on other love interests and relationships.

We’ve all seen it happen. Some dynamic duo of platonicity hangs tough and swears that there’s nothing going on until one of them meets somebody else. All of a sudden they can’t stop talking about how kcufed up it is that things are going the way they are…then somebody throws around the, “they should have known I liked them, even though we never talked about it…” If you got beef, then clearly you need to re-evaluate their place in your life.

So good friends of VSB.com, what are some other things friends just shouldn’t do under any circumstances?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST