"Sure babe. I'll steal that necklace from my aunt. Just show me your high school track highlight tape again"
Problem: Queasiness
You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.
The paragraph above is from “Five Moves That Make You Look Bad in Bed (and How to Avoid Them).” And, although the title is a bit misleading — when I saw “Five Moves…” I thought the article would be about actual bad sexual “moves” like “When she’s about to climax, it’s probably not the best idea to grin and pinch your own nipples” — it does offer some sound advice. I assume most women would agree that an easily queasy man is a big turnoff, and it’s not hard to see how a man possessing a few of the other traits listed — indecisiveness, being too fidgety, etc — might tell a woman that he sucks in the sack.
I was originally tempted to write a response titled “Signs That She’s Bad in Bed,” but since I could only think of two (“Her breath stinks” and “She’s a Delta”) I’ve decided to go in another direction, compiling the decades worth of notes from my own experiences as well as my friend’s, and list a few signs that she just might put it on you.
She really, really, really enjoys food
Women who seem to genuinely enjoy the entire food eating process — and you can usually tell these women because they’ll go through mini-orgasms when eating and even talking about their favorite foods — also seem to enjoy the entire sex having process just as much. I don’t know where the correlation is, but my guess is that some women just really like for things to be in their mouths.
She was/is an athlete
Every guy who’s ever dated a former high school or college athlete is nodding his head in solemn agreement and x-ing out this window to scour Facebook and see exactly what the members of the college track team are doing with their lives right now
Men approach her all of the gotdamn time
Now, I’m not talking about random street catcalls or direct messages on Twitter, but women who always seem to get approached by men are usually so popular because they’re subconsciously putting off an “I will curl your toes like fried shrimp” signal.
She doesn’t really sweat things (or people)…ever
As one of my college teammates once told me, “If she’s anal, she won’t do anal.” Now, does it matter that this is the same teammate who eventually got kicked off the team for stealing shower curtains from TJMaxx? I don’t think so.
She once was the governor of Alaska
Hate if you want, but I think a night with she who shall not be named would have you ready to shoot threes and moose and shit too.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other signs that a woman is the shit in the bedroom? Also, ladies, you don’t get to take the day off. Go ahead and list some signs that a man is good in bed. Y’all need to help us out so we can take notes and start pretending.
—The Champ
Clearly grammar should be on this list since you’re not supposed to end a sentence (or a title?) with a preposition, but oh well.
