always start the night with a rum and coke in each hand, and always alternate sips

spend at least 3.5 hours a day discussing, reading about, or watching nba basketball.

when complimenting a beautiful woman, be confusing, hyperbolic, and head-scratchingly vague all at the exact same time (ie: “wow. you’re definitely the best thursday ive ever seen“). if she asks you to repeat it, just say “not yet” and walk away.

incorporate lingo from “the wire” into your daily lexicon.

despite their convenience, never use straws.

if alone in an elevator with a white woman, try your best to whistle fiona apple’s rendition of “across the universe” to yourself. don’t, under any circumstances, crack your knuckles while doing this

when in doubt, eat breakfast and p*ssy.

call your parents at least twice a week, and ask them questions you already know the answers to.

if raining, try to remember that not having an umbrella builds character. also, try to forget that you’re too cheap to just buy one.

if you’re sure you’re gonna be late, just don’t go. if you’re sure you’re not going, go back to sleep.

if you’re absolutely certain you’re going to have sex later on, make sure to “ask for jake” 2-4 hours beforehand.

loosen your tie, and never, ever, ever button your top button. combined with your dark-brown skin and angular frames, this’ll help to create a look of ironic hipster virility known as the emo mandingo.

dance like no one’s watching. if watched, make damn sure you’re still sipping

you’ve just read a bit of mine. people of vsb.com, what are your personal creeds?

—the champ