How To Be A Pseudo-Celebrity Like A Motherlover


My name is Panama Dontavious Jackson and I’m kind of a f*cking big deal. People stop me in the streets and ask me for directions. Almost every day, somebody looks at me. Sometimes it happens twice in one day. What is it? I don’t know. But I got it. Whose is it? Even Michael wasn’t sure.

MJ gone. Our n-word dead.

The reason my apartment reeks of mahogany and is filled with leather-bound books is because I’m a pseudo-celebrity aka 40 percent of the time people know me all of the time.

What is a pseudo-celebrity you ask? Good question. Pseudo-celebrity is what happens when a few people know who you are and everybody else is like who the f*ck are you when the few people who know who you are say things like, “hey you’re XYZ!”

Or even better. You know how famous people get free things? Not pseudo-celebrities. Sure, pseudos get into places free as long as they either know a manager or a bouncer, but if neither are present at the bar, he’s paying for that drink. Basically, there are no free drinks. Even if somebody wants to get you a free drink, they’re paying for that drink first. You know why?

Because you’re only pseudo famous. If you was famous famous nobody would have to buy you a drink…

…you’d already have one.

This is my life. Now this isn’t a complaint at all. I actually rather enjoy the times when I see people out and they say things like, “hey, its Panama! Oh my gosh, I didn’t expect to see you out and about like that! You’re not nearly as hot as I thought you were in that picture where I can’t see your face but I do see you smoking!”

That’s the funny part about pseudo-celebrity. Some people think you’re famous, others couldn’t care less. I mean it looks cool when you’re out in these streets and people stop you to say they read the site (I think most bloggers with a good readership go through this) or when you’re out of town and folks randomly recognize you and make it seem like you’re a big deal. But you know how real bad boys move in silence? Your highness?

Yeah, pseudo-celebs are total bad boys. Nobody moves out the way when we come thru. In fact, unless you’re a tall person, nobody moves period. I have to push through the crowd like everybody else. Of course that time somebody yelled out Panama and somebody else yelled out Noriega was funny. There’s no story there.

Well, as the pseudo-celebrity motherlover that I am, and seeing as so many of you who venture here are clearly famous in your own right (even if nobody knows your real name, which is like, totes coo, since most folks don’t know my real name either! AS IF!), I know its hard out here for a pimp. So I figured I’d drop a little knowledge. Knowledge my brothers and sisters; use it or lose it.

So you wanna be a gangsta, all that sh*t smoke any motherf*cker don’t even trip and be hard as hell and say whatever you want, punk suckers wanna front…

Or here are some on how to be a pseudo-celebrity like a motherf*cker.

1. Be super f*cking fly

Not a little fly. Leave that tsetse fly sh*t at the door, whoadie. Naw. Big dog it. When you walk into a building, dap people up, especially people you don’t know. This gives you the chance to seem more important than you are. Somebody will say, do you know who that its? Most people will say no, but one person who is totes in the know will say, “hey, that was Panama Jackson and he’s one fly motherf*cker.”

2. Be super f*cking cool while being super f*cking fly

Basically its the same sh*t as 1.

3. Wear sunglasses when it rains

Before you can be out here dapping up people you don’t know, you need to LOOK like somebody that should be dapping up people. You can’t pointdexter the sh*t, my ninja. You have to rock the stunna shades and pop your collar. Don’t pop your collar. But like wear Jordans or something. Pseudo-celebs totally rock Jordans. And really expensive tank tops. In the winter.

4. Always respond to anonymous shoutouts

You ever been out and somebody yells for their friend across the street. Always assume they’re yelling for you. Say you hear a “HEY! HO! HEY! HO!” like you’re a Lumineer my ninja. Well, you bet’ yell back “WHATS UP BRO! STAY SWAGGY!” Then keep on walking I ain’t talking to you anymore.

5. Tell people you’re a promoter

In fact, create a Linkedin account with your sole job as promoter. That way when people google you (you are pseudo-famous remember) they’ll see that you ain’t lying. On paper. Promoters are famous people. You are kind of famous, so you promote happy hours. Especially the one you’re at where you dapped up all the people you didn’t know. HEY HO. HEY HO.

6. Always walk to the VIP line and be surprised when you can’t get in…in the VIP line.

This has never happened to me. I’m not only pseudo-famous, I’m the pseudo-famous president. I got a card. It’s like one of those punch-cards for so many free coach entries and you get a free VIP entry. Totally rocks.

Do dat do dat do do dat dat dat.

You know what, this is how motherf*cking pseudo famous I am….I’m spent.

You do the heavy lifting. How would you advise somebody to get their fake celebrity on. Like Panama Jackson. I’m your client. Help me be famous.

Happy Friday.