I Think I Hate Love

Gone.

Without fail, nary a day goes by where I don’t hear the phrase, “why do you hate love?” Of course, most of the time it’s said in jest but the truth is, I’m staring to wonder. I’m not against the institution of love at all. I’m happy for any and everybody who has found love in a hopeless place. I mean, love…so many people use your name in vain, but still, love and happiness is something that will make you do wrong, or make you do right.

Basically, love is the most powerful force on the planet. It’s not God. But God is love. Pain is also love.

Seriously, I could do this all day.

Anyway, back to my hating of love. While hate is definitely a strong word here, there are certain things about love that drive me absolutely batsh*t crazy. And hey God, it’s me Panama, most these observances have been helmed at the hands of the fairer sex and thee of boob. To be fair, I love the connection that two people who genuinely care about each other can and do make. And I’m not afraid of that connection. I think that I just draw a line at certain facets. Such as…

1. I hate the word “cuddle”

Seriously. On the list of words I hate most in life, cuddle has to be near the top. And nothing drives me more bonkers than a grown ass woman telling me that she wants to cuddle. For one, I’m not 3. Three year olds love premeditated cuddle time. They even look forward to it. My daughter LOVES having cuddle time with her mommy. And I love that she loves that. Me? Telling me that you can’t wait to cuddle with me sends me into Great Wall of China mode. And it isn’t even the act itself. It’s the word cuddle and the designation of a need for cuddle time. If we’re sitting on the couch, just scoot your happy ass over and get up under my arm or lay on my lap or whatever. We can cuddle. I just don’t want you to tell me that we’re cuddling. It sounds unmanly. It’s like telling me that I’ve got sass or something. Just don’t do it.

See also: “snuggle”

By the way, I’m sure there are men who will tell you (and will on this blog) that they love to cuddle and can’t wait to get home and snuggle up next to their boo and cuddle. Panama Dontavious Jackson? Is so not that dude. Like I said, let’s get close and hold one another and all that other stuff you see in movies. Just don’t think that if you tell me we need to have cuddle time that it’s the equivalent of sexting is all I’m saying.

2. I suck at PDA

It’s true. I do. But for valid reasons. Mostly for the handholding. GENERALIZATION ALERT! I don’t think women can walk in a straight line. AND I think most women aren’t that coordinated. So not only are we not walking lock-step, you also keep walking into me bumping me all over the damn sidewalk or against the rail on a cruiseship. I’d rather just let you walk next to me so that I can watch your movements and avoid you when necessary like Neo. It’s like a personal game of Frogger. I’ll hug you and stuff but I’m also not gonna slob you down in public. For one, I’ve got couth. Two, I know what couth means. For three, there’s a good chance that if I slob you down in public, we may get robbed on the way to the car (huh?) or worse, you may somehow think that means I want to have cuddle time. (See #1)

3. People who are overly affectionate scare me at times

I can be affectionate. But I think when people who are like soooooo affectionate that they have to constantly touching you, it makes me suspicious. Like, hmm…why arrrrrrrrre you touching me so much, Hands? Mostly I think they need puppies and things to squeeze like Elmira from Tiny Toons. In fact, yes, these women all remind me of Elmira from Tiny Toons. But that’s because I’m afraid that they’ll never let go. Which I’m fairly sure is an R&B song. But so. Exactly. Like hands off, Hands. I’ll swat you. Ok, I love you bye bye!

4. I can suck at verbal expression of love

I can write you something special and heartfelt with ease. I can also perform in front of huge crowds and not think twice about what I’m saying. Speaking one on one with somebody can be a very difficult endeavor for me. And that’s a problem. Put it in a song? No problem. Write it on papyrus and have King Tut autograph it? I’m about that life. Open up and say what’s on my heart? Someone please call 911. I’m an avoider of love apparently because it scares me or something.

So yeah, it’s possible that I hate love. Or at the very least am afraid of expressions of love that involve actual expression. I need help. I’m sure there’s no disagreement there.

The oddest part about all of this is that people like me usually end up with people who are SO excited to show and emote love that we drive each other crazy. How’s that for irony?

So what about you? How are you in your expression of love? Do you hate love too?? Or just suck at it like I do?

And by the way, I’m changing my name to Panama Lion. Or Panama Panther. Or better yet…Panama Leibowitz. Thank you.

Purge.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T TOUCH ME IF YOU LOVE ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Don’t forget to RSVP for #REMINISCE this Saturday! http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com. Peep the flyer for details and I’ll see you on Saturday.