Tag Archives: evil

That “Cuddle Bunny” Bullsh*t

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That rabbit is not happy.

I have no clue how or why women come up with the terms they come up with for the various random instances of affection and attention.

Boo.

Boobear.

Love muffin.

Skeetskeetmookmook.

Cuddle bunny.

It’s no wonder why our kids in the Black community have the most random first names or are named after medical conditions like Rosacea. Or Excema. Or Herpesia. But motherf*cking cuddle bunny takes the cake. I remember the first time a chick used that term while telling me she’d met a guy that she might be willing to make her cuddle bunny. I was like…whaaaaa? Cuddle what? Did you call that ninja a bunny????

Real spit, calling a man a cuddle bunny is another in the long line of male emasculating terms. Just like calling him harmless or weak or limp-d*ck noodle slanger. If a woman were to actively refer to me as a bunny I might be forced to commit a felony just to keep my own esteem up.

But what is a cuddle bunny? Women all know that its the male equivalent of what happens during cuffin’ season. It’s that guy that women call over to…cuddle. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure the possibility for smangage exists. If you put enough air and opportunity between a man and a woman with an attraction for one another, there’s a strong likelihood that the woodpecker will take care of the morning wood, if you know what I mean, heheheheh.

But that’s not the goal. For many women, having a man be willing to just spoon and cuddle shows her that this man views her in such a light where he’s willing to not have sex with her. He actually just wants to be there with her. Holding her. Wrapping her body tight. My my my. And I think we can all agree that’s the highest form of glory for many women. This man values her as a person, not just a piece of meat. And that’s lovely.

Wonderful even.

But I kind of wonder how many men know they’re being cuddle…bunnied? It’s kind of like the infamous term that we all know and love, jumpoff (as was pointed out to me recently). Men turn chicks into jumpoffs all willy nilly. Or something like that. Except I reject that deposit. No pr0n swallow. Actually…yeah. See, any chick who’s been turned into a jumpoff more or less knows it. Short of pure unadulterated delusion, women know when a man wants nothing more than the snappy nappy dugout. Remember, men suck. We disappear. We only call when its that time. Most chicks who are afraid of being jumpedoff ask a million and one questions to ascertain their status pissing us off in the process but hey, we get it.

A cuddle bunny on the other hand…

[...quick aside...did anybody think Jumping The Broom was a good movie? Do you remember that this movie ever came out? Me neither...]

…is a man who’s trying to get in there – and the chick knows this – who is willing to do what it takes to get there. And ye olde women are exploiting that man’s god nature and heart for personal satisfaction and affection.

Disgusting. Just terrible. That poor sap is over here with balls bluer than Cookie Monster on the 27th ring of Saturn but he’s putting in his work because he’s hoping he’ll get to the promised land, which doesn’t just mean smangage, it could also mean relationship. Basically, any man willing to put up with spooning on multiple occasions actually likes the chick. Except she’s likely not decided what she wants from this dude, ya know, aside from the temporary foot warmer he’s become.

Most women will say that by being the cuddle bunny he’s gaining access to a slot…well not a slot per se but a position…well not a position per se…but a connection that a lot of other men either would love to be in or just wouldn’t have a chance to see. He gets to come to her place and lay up next to her and watch a movie…with her. The lucky guy!

*leprechaun heel click*

Except, she hasn’t decided if this will last past her options or her attention span. And she’s calling the motherf*cker a bunny. So dude’s putting in the simp work, being emasculated, and paying for carry out from Pei Wei Express all for the chance to hopefully get some drawz that actually are on 50/50 status. And yes, I know that sex is a privelege and not a right. Woopty woop woopty woop woop.

All I know is that for all the women out there who feel like they get played by men, if you’ve ever had a “cuddle bunny” then you are just as bad and you should get a stern talking too and finger wag. Let the bunny go. Figuratively and metaphorically.

And stop calling men bunnies. It’s not right. It hurts. It might be provocative and it might get the people going. But it just not right…okay! You can’t just leave cuzzin’ Harold in the street to die.

Real talk.

Ladies, do you believe in having a cuddle bunny? Do you think it’s part of a man’s work to show you he’s worth it? And what’s up with the damn “bunny”? Men…how do you feel about being a cuddle bunny? You’re probably one right now and don’t even know it.

Sad.

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. CUDDLE DEEZ aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Also, check out Panama’s article at Ebony entitled “Motivation: Daddy’s Little Girl” and Champ’s article, also at Ebony entitled “Don’t Be Like Mike”. Ball so hard.

Ladies, Just How Pissed Would You Be?

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You're way more special than my ex! That's why I'm giving you this ring I was gonna give her. #winning

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard an interesting story. I actually didn’t believe it at first because it sounded like SUCH a bad idea that makes complete and total lopsided sense that I’d never think any body (men really) would think to do this.

Until I was informed that there was an episode of Sex And The City that had a similar premise. Well, I’ll be. I never really got into SATC even though I heard it was like the greatest show ever not named The Wire.

Oh, what had happened was?

Right, so what had happened was that the show was about things you are keeping from your spouse and this one fellow called in to the station to confess that his wife’s engagement ring was originally intended for another woman he was engaged to but broke it off with. This ninja used the same engagement ring…twice.

#wheredeydodatat

I couldn’t believe my own two ears except I heard it with them. Honestly, I couldn’t even figure out why I was so taken aback. Perhaps it was the sheer audacity of hope that his wife would never find out (or that he’d ever actually admit that out loud on the off chance that she’d find out). Or maybe because it was actually fairly smart of him. Maybe he couldn’t take it back for some reason or couldn’t sell it anywhere and break close enough to even.

To be clear here (ladies), I think its jacked up to use the same engagement ring twice. I feel like the ring you buy for a woman should be reflective of her specific wants and tastes and is ultimately, supposed to be ‘pacifically for her and her only. To give another woman the ring that was picked out specifically for prior woman just seems wrong.

But also, what if she finds out? There are a few things in life that I think would piss a woman off to the nth degree. Finding out that Lisa Raye is a PhD biomedical engineer would be one of them (she’s not). A TMZ exclusive video of Idris Elba f*cking Eddie Murphy would be another. But learning that your husband gave you the same ring that he gave some other heffa would definitely be at the top of the list of things that might get you stabbed. Its just wrong.

You know what makes it especially wrong? I can’t think of a comparable male equivalent. I mean, we all know that Yeezy taught her how to put those motherf*cking Jimmy Choo’s on. Taught her well in fact. But in terms of something of that high value, both sentimental and emotional that a woman would provide to a man, nothing comes to mind.

Back to the ring. I honestly can’t understand for the life of me what would compel a man to think this is okay. Why he even kept the ring after the first engagement faltered is beyond me. The ring makes no sense as a keepsake or as a memento. Hell, it probably cost him an arm and a leg so I’d be trying to recoup those loses via that ring. Which begs the question over all, who actually keeps sh*t like that after the engagement didn’t work out. Maybe he was just that sure that he’d end up being married at some point.

I know I ain’t keepin’ no ring. I’d take that ho back and get me some golf clubs, a couple prostitutes and a ouija board. But that’s just me.

So after all that, I’m just curious about a few things. Ladies, just how pissed would you be if you found out that your man gave you an engagement ring originally intended for a previous fiance? Is there a male equivalent here? And fellas, would you ever consider doing something like that?

But most importantly…who the hell keeps engagement rings after the engagement ended up like MJ?

MJ gone. Our ninja dead.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. KEEP THAT RING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

****PS THANKS to everybody who came out to party with Panama Jackson at Liv Nightclub in DC this past Saturday night. The party was INSANE. Good vibes, good music.  Make sure you stay paying attention for more event notices. And that Saturday party…is a monthly. We’re going to do it the first Saturday of every month. Sadatay.****

Get Gone: Instantly Breakupable Offenses

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Man, I don't know either.

I believe that if you decide to commit to somebody then you commit: lock, stock, and barrel. You believe in their dreams and hope they live long enough to see them. If he just can’t wait to be King, then you call him Martin Luther. If she wants to dance with somebody who loves her, then tear the roof of this sucka and go up on the down stroke. Whatever it takes. That’s what commitment is. F*ck them other n*ggas because I’m down for my n*ggas.

Love.

And all of that would be well and good, except every now and then, the people we’ve decided to commit to do some ridiculously outlandish stuff. And I don’t mean sleep just sleep with somebody else. While it may be morally wrong, its neither ridiculous or outlandish. Banging a horse? Now that’s both. And what do we call that? That’s a 392 violoation: Instantly Breakupable Offense.

I don’t care if you did it six years ago and you were higher than Charlie Sheen sitting on a cloud on the third ring of Saturn. If I find out you did something like that, you gots ta go.

F*ck your couch.

Here are some other Code 392 Violations: Instantly Breakupable Offenses

1. These shoes (<—-click me motherf*cker)

I intentionally didn’t post the picture because I want everybody to get the full effect of actually clicking on the link and seeing them. I also will not describe the non-sense. But as great philosopher king, The Champ, said to me when I shared this travashamockery with him, “you’d have to re-evaluate your life if you were dating somebody who would seriously consider wearing these.” Yo, word to Big Bird, if my woman ever showed up with those on her feet, and thought it was okay, I might have to disavow all knowledge of her.

2. Cursing at my mother

Whoooooo lawd haf mercy got bles  da chile hoo s’got his own. My mother doesn’t even curse. If even the first few letters of a word I do not approve of are directed towards my mother, you gon’ have to a hitch a ride back with the galaxy. You know what word I’m not a fan of? Mystic. Never liked that word. I don’t like the Mystics of Washington or the drink. Presents quite the conundrum for you. You bet’ not call my momma “Mrs”. Better call her Queen or something. That first syllable is a killer.

3. Getting me put in jail

I’ve mentioned the scene in Crash numerous times where Terrence Howard watched the police feel up his wife. That scene hurt me. But for different reasons than anybody else. I feel like he lamed out in later scenes by not putting her out. Like, woman! You nearly got me pummelled AND put in jail by the LAPD. You got to go. You don’t love me. You probably don’t even love my doggystyle. So let’s pop a little champagne because we’re finna celebrate. What? My divoooooooooorce. Word booty.

4. Being a part of a national crime syndicate

Maybe you aren’t anymore. And that’s great. But I’ve seen True Lies and I watch a lot of movies. You can never get rid of that life. It’s part of you forever. And really, it’s not even that you did the crime and didn’t do the time. I’m happy for you. Viva la OJ. It’s more that you lied to me and probably never shared the money. You’ve been letting me think I make more money than you this whole time when the truth is you and four short and stocky Mexican Elmo impersonators spent the entire 90s bilking seniors out of their retirement by selling them pre-paid legal. And you never shared that part. I don’t really even know you. You’ve got to go.

5. If she tells me “she” was born a “he”

I don’t care how many operations you’ve been through, I’m not strong enough to handle that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s not you, it’s me. No really. That again, is deceit. It’s a wonderbra. It’s Watergate. It’s COINTELPRO. It’s the cookie jar. It’s just deception. It’s the omission of the century. I’m sure I’m an advocate of only telling pertinent information. That’s pertinent. It’s like f*cking that horse. Like you get there and you think wow, this is gonna be cool, she’s f*cking a horse. And then you realize, dude, she’s f*cking a horse. And he was really giving it to her. Not sure who I feel worse for, her or the horse. I lost my train of thought.

No.

As Rebecca Black would say, it’s Friday Friday. What are your instantly breakupable offenses, no matter how long you’ve been together?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka lower.case.p aka SHUGGIE J. aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Necessary Evils.

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sugeknightOne of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in life is Vampire in Brooklyn.  It’s one of Eddie Murphy’s dark hours, up there with The Golden Child (which I actually like but is truly terrible) and Pluto Nash on the Asstastic-o-meter.  But it was OnDemand and I was bored on Tuesday night so I watched it anyway.  It didn’t take long to remember why it sucked, but then my favorite scene came on.

It’s the scene where Maximilian the Caribbean vampire takes over the form of the Reverend Pauly and goes on a rant about evil being good – and more specifically, necessary evil.  See he contends that without evil, there is no good, therefore, evil is necessary. To wit:

“Deacon was out on Bushwick last night with a $2 ho.  But he had a good time with that $2 ho.

Evil is good.  And azz is good.  And if you get you a piece of evil azz, WOOO.”

Beautiful music when champagne flutes clink.

*clink*

Anyway, that scene got me to thinking about necessary evils. And not just $2 hoez either.  While those are definitely necessary (and evil) – face it, everybody can’t afford to pay $500 a pop, no pun intended, in these times of economic depression – I just can’t rightfully make a legitimate case for a $2 ho to be something worthy of writing about.  You know, aside from the words I’ve already written.  Video  hoez on the other hand.

I seem to have lost my point.

Ah yes, necessary evils.  What makes a necessary evil?  To me, it’s one of those things that you wish you didn’t have to deal with, but in reality, you really do need it.  I see you looking and asking yourself, what is Panama talking about?

Glad you asked.

1)  Tyler Perry

As much as we hate him (though he also has as many people that love him, no real middle ground here), he’s made all of his own movies on his own without the help from any major studios or anything.  Which is blatantly obvious by the lack of acting talent most actors display in his movies.  I mean, hell, he’s managed to turn decent actors, like Derek Luke, into terrible actors in movies where the plot diverges and reconnects in more retarded ways than a school full of monkeys playing Scrabble with $2 hoez named Sylvia.  But alas, if he wasn’t making movies, the only Black movies we’d get per year would be documentaries called Black in America with an ambiguous chick named Soledad who got excited by some sh*t she found on ancestry.com.  Yes, Black America, we need Tyler Perry.

By the way, has there ever been a more polarizing individual than Tyler Perry?

2)  Condoms

They evil because they take away the feeling.  But they’re necessary because I mean really with all of the STDs and genetically questionable children running around, a little prevention can go a long way.  Just put it in the bag.  No Drake.

3) 50 Cent

King of the Evil Empire, he’s actually the only interesting thing going in hip-hop this side of Lil Wayne and his new game show, “Guess My Next Baby Mama”.  And by hip-hop, I mean the culture, not his music.  But I’ll listen to a 50 Cent interview all day long pal.  It’s bound to be entertaining, informational, and he just might be the funniest rapper ever.  Without him, we’re stuck listening to people like Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, and T.I. all day.  While Lil Wayne is fun, I’m not completely sure HE knows what he’s saying.  And Jay is just boring to me now.  He’s like A-Rod.  All feels rehearsed and sh*t.

4)  Apple, Inc.

I’m convinced that Steve Jobs is the king of the Evil Empire but you know what?  I just can’t live without my radio iPod.  And even if you have some random ass Zune or some other offbrand mp3 player to make a point, it’s because of iPods and Apple.  You are carrying around a bootleg mp3 player because iPod exists and you’re ironic.

5) Very Smart Brothas

Sure Panama has pissed off more people than BET, and sure The Champ has told more people to handle his nuts than two squirrels at a Planter’s factory, but have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire what would you do if you could get with the Dogg Pound if we suddenly disappeared? Hate it or love it, it’s not that we can’t stop it’s just that we won’t stop.  Plus, where would other motherf*ckers get their inspiration posts from?

6)  Suge Knight

No Suge, No Dr. Dre The Chronic.  No Chronic.  No Snoop and Doggystyle.  No Snoop no resurgent Bishop Don Magic Juan.  Okay…maybe that’s not all necesary.

Any other necessary evils you can think of?  Gimme what  you got.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Lies, Damn Lies, and Wonderbras.

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Fact. Men are fascinated by female-parts. We appreciate curves and love to play Guess What’s Under That Dress, despite knowing exactly what’s under that dress.

With that in mind, Colonel Sanders isn’t the only man who’s got breasts on the brain all day long. It is with this in mind and also with great dismay that I must say that wonderbras are the most evil and vile invention known to humankind.

Wonderbras are deception and deception is evil. I’m sure it’s in the Bible somewhere. Probably in Tupac 6:16 or something – but I’m sure it’s in there. And do you know why wonderbras are evil?

Before we answer this, let’s talk about deception. For example…if I meet you in the club and you CLEARLY had two legs when you were at the bar, and you fail to mention that one of them belongs to the lab up the street, but I get your number and we go out and then one day when things go “there” between us you remove your fake leg…well, I’m going to be pissed. And I’m not going to be pissed that you have a fake leg, I have no problem with that. I’m going to be pissed that you didn’t think I was big enough of a person to tell me until the very last moment for fear that I wouldn’t like you anymore!! You deceived me and you know what…

…it hurts.

Though it can’t hurt worse than being thrown out of my place for frontin’ like you had two legs. And there is nothing wrong with only having one leg. I applaud the spirit many one legged folks have. Clearly, they are well versed in dealing with unfair situations. I, however, do not like deception. And if you are up in the club with TWO legs and a week later you only have ONE and you HAVEN’T been in a car accident, well, I’m just saying I won’t date you anymore. Not sure how you bring it up in the club, but if I have to find out on my own that you got a fake leg, AND I MET YOU IN THE CLUB, (which means it was all physical attraction) then you, madam, are a liar.

And nowhere is this fact truer than in the case of the most evil: wonder bras.

Wonder bras are deception at its finest. They play up on man’s fascination with breasts and our attraction to them and lead us astray!! They intentionally deceive. They are evil. Now I’ll admit, men’s obsession with breasts is clearly the culprit here. HOWEVER, a woman will know this and enhance her own, in order to lure the man into her web…ONLY to have to be found out later (assuming it gets there) that she was indeed telling untruths about herself. And this isn’t like makeup where SOME semblance of your face has to be present, though, I’ll admit I’ve met some women who basically had to remove a whole face in order to get to who they really were:

Gremlins.

Anyway, wonderbras are lies. All lies. I can’t help the fact that women’s assets are on display and men’s aren’t. If a dude even starts bragging on the size of his Army, well, then you have grounds for dismissal if you find he has been lying. It’s the same thing intentional deception in hopes of securing personal gain. But see, the man only has his mouthpiece (unless of course somebody pulls your shit out in the club or amusement park or church), women have let wonderbras do all the talking for them.

Wonderbras make liars out of good women…

…because wonder bras are evil.

-VSB P