8:20: As Gabrielle Union’s Being Mary Jane promo airs for the 1st out of the 67 times it aired last night, I’d like to welcome you all to the 19th annual minute-by-minute summary of the BET Awards, aka “20,000 cats who couldn’t do ASAP Rocky’s hair,” aka “that time BET decided to give everyone in the entire Diaspora an award.”
If you notice, I’m starting 20 minutes late. I have a legitimate excuse for that, as well as a legitimate reason not to print it.
8:22: Robin Thicke hit the stage, reminding me of the fact that White male performers get a thousand times more love from Black people that White female performers. He’s accompanied by T.I. and Pharrell, who eerily look like they’re turning into the same person. Let’s just call it Tarrell.
8:25: (Overheard sometime last week in Dwyane Wade’s household)
“You got Lebron and Bosh’s goofy asses two rings and you can’t get me one? F*ck you and your typo-inducing name.”
8:29: An ad for a movie featuring every singing-ass nigga ever called Black Nativity airs. Can’t wait for the day I DVR it on TVone.
8:32: Wayne Brady appears to give an award, and decides not to take advantage of the once in a lifetime opportunity to mow down the entire crowd with an Uzi.
8:34: Gabby “Say something about my hair now, motherf*ckers!” Douglas receives some award for best something. Black people should be ashamed for forcing lacefront on her.
8:38: Erykah Badu’s ass can write a book on a calculator. When life gives Erykah Badu’s ass lemons, Erykah Badu’s ass makes life apologize. Erykah’s Badu’s ass once drew a triangle with four sides. Che Guevara wears a t-shirt with a picture of Erykah Badu’s ass on it.
8:40: Erkyah Badu’s ass is joined onstage by Kendrick Lamar and Erykah Badu herself, performing an inspired rendition of ”Bitch Dont Kill My Vibe” and increasing the odds of Lamar being Badu’s next baby-daddy to 3 to 1.
8:45: I haven’t said anything about host Chris Tucker yet because, well, there really isn’t much to say. He’s doing a decent job, he looks like he lost a little weight, and he even got the opportunity to finally perform a 50 Cent/Michael Jackson mashup impersonation that he’s probably been sitting on for the last seven years. He had a good night.
8:48: There are middle-aged dark-skinned men all over the country who still hate El Debarge for ruining the 80s for them. Fortunately for them, right now Debarge’s liver is probably the same color they are.
8:50: On the list “the old end of middle-aged White women who can get it,” Helen Mirren has to be top four, right?
(My list: Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Jane Seymour, and Paula Deen)
8:59: Say what you want about R. Kelly, but he’s definitely the most talented, engaging, inspiring, and influential pedophile ever. I mean, seriously. That nigga who likes to pee on prepubescent girls has an unbelievable catalog full of hits. He’s a genuis.
9:05: Meagan Good’s boobs were kind enough to publicly challenge Erkyah Badu’s ass to a duel.
BTW, where other than the BET Awards are you going to get gospel awards, R. Kelly, Meagan Good, and Meagan Good’s boobs all on stage in a 30 sec span?
9:10: Most underrated thing about watching a live event on BET? The local Black commercials that finally get some shine. Just found out that Cubana Lust will be hosting some party in Pittsburgh that at least three people will get shot at. Also, had no idea there was a gas station a mile away from me that also sells fried chicken.
9:22: In the last 15 minutes, Mariah Carey sang some song while covered in diamonds, Miguel appeared rocking a coat that looks like it was made out of dead bouviers, Kevin Hart got all stage to do some Kevin Hart shit, and Jamie Foxx gave a speech to remind us all that he’s the cockiest nigga alive.
But, they were all upstaged by Amber Rose, who, despite her Whiteness, managed to win a “Best Face” award. I guess no one here paid any attention to Dark Girls.
9:32: The whole cast of We’re Doing This Cause We Need To Pay Our Mortgages, er, The Best Man Holiday appears, sans Taye Diggs, who obviously is dead set on proving that he really, really, really doesn’t f*ck with y’all niggas at all.
9:42: Between Miguel, Kendrick Lamar, and Kevin Hart, is there any doubt whatsoever that 2013 is the start of the short nigga revolution? Hide your kids, and your ankles.
10:12: The last half hour or so was spent giving Charlie Wilson a very entertaining tribute, ultimately proving three things:
1. I don’t like Justin Timberlake anymore. Don’t know why. I just don’t. (Strangely enough, I still like his music. Just not him.)
2. Since Pharrell, Snoop, and Charlie Wilson haven’t aged a day since the “Beautiful” video, I’m certain someone on that set was injecting them with shark blood between takes.
3. The only person there with an ass bigger than Erykah Badu’s? Stevie Wonder.
10:30: Everything I just said about Justin Timberlake can be said in reverse about J Cole. I like him. I like what he “stands for.” I like what he “represents.” I like that people like his music. I like that he’s finally seeing some real success after grinding for so long. I just…don’t like his music. I don’t dislike it either. It just exists, like lawn furniture, celery, and empty bottles of deodorant.
10:41: Chris Tucker pulls out a great Barack Obama impression. Only problem is that the impression sounds like President Obama doing an impression of George Bush. This is getting awkward.
10:45: Ciara finally found her way from underneath one of Amare Stoudmaire’s beds to join us all. Welcome back, babygirl!
BTW, “Goodies” was released 9 years ago. 9. I’m officially old as f*ck. (and so are you)
10:51: I apologize to you all for neglecting to mention the fact that I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s kinda striking how attractive a “normal” Nicki Minaj actually is.
10:53: I know you’re not supposed to reward songs like this with actual awards, but there’s no way in hell “Pop That” doesn’t win rap song of the year. I’m actually pissed about this. Seriously.
10:55: Is Debra Lee the Black David Stern, or is David Stern the White Debra Lee?
11:00: “So that’s what you were doing all season instead of getting your ass in shape and rehabbing your knee? Teaching kids how to read. I guess I can’t be mad at that.”
11:02: A dancehall reggae mashup performance starts, beginning with ”No, No, No” = aka “the song that started the transition from rap to reggae at every college party between 96 and 99,” and ending with the Gay Reindeer starting an impromptu one woman Dutty Wine contest on my couch.
11:21: Chris Brown stops changing someone’s oil, and decides to come onstage and accept some award. I was wondering why Drake…and Rihanna…and Jay-Z…and Beyonce…and Kanye…and Lil Wayne…and Rick Ross weren’t there. I guess I know why now.
11:25: Mentally preparing myself to read the 4843747393 angst-ridden posts and articles that will be written about “The Butler” in the next year.
(And yes, at least one of them will be written by me. )
11:30: As Janelle Monae ends the show on an typically awesome note, I’m reminded of a tweet I saw from Panama a couple hours before the show began.
“I feel like Twitter is the reason people watch the BET Awards. If Twitter didn’t exist niggas would just go to Red Lobster for shenanigans.”
While Red Lobster is a bit too bougie for my tastes—I prefer Waffle House—he had a point. I think we’ve reached the point where talking about shows like this among ourselves surpasses the joy (and cultural relevance) of actually watching them. I mean, I can’t think of any other reason why I’d watch a three hour show that was an hour and a half too long.
Hmm. Perhaps I do it and write these recaps so you all won’t have to watch. I’m sacrificing my sanity for you. In that case, well, everyone else got an award tonight. where’s mine?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)