Tag Archives: entertainment

Why The Ultimate Merger Is Great Television For Me and You, Your Momma and Your Cousin Too

Posted on by
222

If you talk to me outside of the comments of this blog, you would know that I absof*ckinglutely love TVOne’s The Ultimate Merger. I’ve seen a lot of reality television shows and this is by far one of my favorites. And do you know why it’s one of my favorites?

It’s because it’s one of the most ridiculous shows in the history of television. Through and through this television show is flawed to perfection. But you know what, those flaws make it a wonderous thrill ride thru the adventure of ACTUAL successful males pining away for a woman that by all accounts is viewed as the person who sold out the Black man on national television. Oh, and she looks like Skeletor.

This show is being wasted on TVOne. It needs primetime placement on a major network. It’s that entertaining. So let me break down why…

1. The entire premise of the show is flawed…like the WHOLE premise

In what world are we supposed to believe that SUCCESSFUL (mostly) Black men are going to pine away for a 36-year-old, moderately attractive, man-eater of a woman whose made a sport of being completely unvulnerable without emoting anything that even resembles a nurturing bone in her body? Men like younger women who aren’t on their Last Omelette to Paris. But that’s what we have here. We have lawyers, athletes (well former), actual entertainers and execs to go along with them, promoters, and a white guy to not make it racist. I can honestly say that I’ve NEVER met a single man whose said to me, “you know who I’m actually feeling? Omarosa”

Never. Then again, what we have here are a bunch of opportunists because…

2. …these guys didn’t actually KNOW they were competing for Omarosa’s love.

That’s right world, these 12 dudes signed up for a dating show that I’m pretty sure said, “compete for the love and affections of a successful celebrity woman out for romance, etc”. So these cats were chosen and went on a dating show where they had no idea who they’d be competing for. Yet we’re supposed to believe these ninjas are there for love? Look, there were no delusions with Flavor of Love. NOBODY in their right mind really expected any of those women to truly be in love with Flav. Now is it possible that by the end of that first season, NY was in love with him? Yeah, remember, ugly dudes stay winning as long as they have a genuine personality and make a chick laugh. It happens all the time. Half of you women reading this are dating ugmos because he charmed you.

Guys? Not so much. Which was apparent early on when a couple of the dudes were clearly less than enthused about Omarosa walking into the room. As was I. Now, is it possible for some of these dudes to fall for her? Yeah. You spend enough time with anybody and it can happen. BUT THEY DIDN’T SHOW UP FOR HER IN THE FIRST PLACE. And I’m supposed to buy this hook, line, and sinker? Stop it TVOne. But don’t stop it.

I love it.

3. She’s had actual relationships or dalliances with some of these cats before…in real life.

How f*cked up are the execs at TVOne to bring together a collection of guys that includes men she knows in real life and has dated already. That was so genius I’m almost mad I didn’t think of it. Then I remembered I don’t work for TVOne. So you start off with some unfinished business and tension. YAY! Then again, she’s pretty old (I realize 36 ain’t old, but chasing the affections of a 36 year old skeletor makes no sense either so she’s old to me) so it’s not surprising considering the business and political circles she’s run in since like 1990. You know, before cable and sh*t. Which brings us to the wild card…

4. Motherf*cking Al B. Sure!

I can’t lie. I’ve often asked myself, just what is Al B. Sure! up to? And does he still keep the exclamation point in his name? These things have kept me up at night. So when all of a sudden I see Mr. Nite and Day on the show, I all of a sudden felt a need to listen to the song on repeat. And why is he ALWAYS so damn smooth? Forget the The Anchorman, Al B. Sure!’s voice is Sex Panther.

5. The actual dudes are the oddest combo ever.

So we have convicted, federal time serving felon Javis. We have AT LEAST 3 guys with multiple kids. One dude is still married. One dude is a gospel rapper or just can’t stop talking about God or something. One dude never had any actual tax paying employment. And to top it off, she’s taking advice…on relationships…from Dr. Jamal Bryant.

Yes, that one. Pastor Dr. Jamal Bryant of Empowerment Temple in Baltimore who I’m pretty sure got caught up in a scandal involving cheating or something. He’s human. No beef. But ummm, not sure I’d be taking relationship advice on my future from that guy.

6. Despite KNOWING that they’re being taped AND supposedly there for Omarosa…

…we have dudes who ROLLED out to the club to pick up chicks and one dude that we KNOW boned another chick WHILE competing for her affections. And only half a**edly denied it.

That’s it for now…as I could write 2,000 words about this show easy. It’s Friday and I wanted to share something that means something to me. Because I love you all. And sharing is caring.

Have you seen it? Are you not entertained? What’s better than this show?!??!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Voice of Black America: 5 Things I’d Just Like To Put Out There…For Putting It Out There’s Sake.

Posted on by
192

happyblackpeopleI’m Black.

I know.  Shocker.

Well, such as it is, my Blackness allows me certain luxuries in life.  I get to set trends for the world, be president, and inspire Congress to revisit mandatory minimums for drug offenses.  Yeah, I’d say that being Black definitely has its perks.

But believe it or not, its not all roses.  This Black thing I mean, not it.  It is straight roses kid.  What is it?

It can be whatever you like.  There is no ceiling.

Ahem.

Back to the lecture at hand.  Most of us have the same problem in life right now as reading Black folks.  We’re generally the only Black person most of our colleagues have much contact with.  It’s one of those facts of life that is just annoying.  I know at my job, all the other Black folks are in more clerical positions.  So you know what this means, right?

Of course you do.  It means we have a lot of pressure to speak as the voice of Black America.  Like it or not, that’s what we’re doing.  Well, since I have such a huge platform there are a few things that I’d like to just put out there in case any persuasions, Persians, Asians, or anybody that CNN hasn’t covered yet ends up here at VSB.

1)  It is MORE than okay to mention the race of somebody you’re describing to me

I motherf*cking hate when somebody is trying to describe somebody to me but they refuse to acknowledge the race of said person.  Look Bob, its okay to say if he was Black.  It will be a great service as race will discount entire segments of my memory while I’m trying ot remember some random mofo you chose to bring up today, Bob.  I mean, if we’re talking about Michelle Leslie Brown from 125th Street that plays ball in the park and EVERYBODY knows that there’s two you should mention what color she is.  That way I can be like…not THAT Michelle Leslie Brown that play ball in the park, the OTHER Michelle Leslie…well you get the point.  Stop pretending race doesn’t exist you racist f*ck.

2) Sidestepping or being overly political correct when it comes to race makes you look like an undercover racist (you racist f*ck, you)

I know that being called racist is like the worst thing that can happen to white people nowadays.  Even Rush Limbaugh doesn’t want that title, and neither does something called a  Newt Gingrich.  However, your overly awkward uncomfortableness when discussing anything that has any sort of racial undertone makes me think that you’re opinion would probably be VERY unfavorable and makes me think you just might be a racist, you racist f*ck, you.  So stop it.

3)  I don’t actually mind correcting your misconceptions about Black people, as long as you approach with common sense

I’m always up for a conversation that debunks stereotypes on all sides of the fence.  And it goes a long way to spread and increase understanding.  However, you can’t just walk up to me and say, “so is it true that most of y’all are going to jail for selling crack?  I just read that at KKK.com.”  Come, let’s talk.  Just don’t make me punch you and get written up and have to go to racial sensitivity training being taught by some white lady who has never actually spoken directly to a Black person she wasn’t paying before.  I won’t like you after that.  Then it becomes that whole, “I’m Black so I hate all white people” thing and then you and I need an intervention, etc.  It just gets ugly.

4)  Slang is fun, but please keep up with the times

I think its funny when white folks run with slang and popular terms, i.e. “raise the roof” and “whomp! there it is”.   That’s great, pal.  Thing is, that sh*t went out in the 90s.  Which given the speed of today’s information is akin to the 1890s.  Stop it.  If you must use slang watch BET and stay current.  Quit coming to me asking me how to spell something I haven’t said in 10 years.  It’s annoying and I want to stab you with two eyes of kimodo and a red stapler.

5)  We think OJ did it too

So shut the f*ck up about it.

Those are just a few things that I’d like to let “everybody else” know about my Blackness, especially in the workplace.  Reading people of VSB what are some things that you would put out there for the “rest” if you were the voice of Black America?

Let’s give us free.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

PS:  50 Cent’s Before I Self Destruct is the opposite of that hotness.  It is that notness.  Wacksauce.