Stop frontin
We’ve all heard the story.
Boy meets Girl at annual Delta pie-eating contest boat ride afterparty. Boy’s impressed with Girl’s diction and the barely perceptible gap between her thighs when she stands up. Girl’s, well, Girl’s not annoyed with the way Boy holds his drink. Girl, tired of being the only one in the crew without a spades partner for game night, gives Boy her number. Boy and Girl go on several decent, but completely mundane dates. During the middle of the 8th date, Girl happens to glance at a nearby booth and see a man that looks exactly like Idris Elba. Girl gets so aroused by this that she quickly ends the date, takes Boy back to her place, and finally lets him hit. Since Girl is a decent Delta woman, a Christian, and a mulatto, having sex with Boy means that Boy is now her boyfriend. Boy agrees because, well, they’re having sex now and he wants to continue the sexual gravy train. Neither is all that enthused with each other, but because they’re too nice to break up — and because both live in cold apartments, making bed partners practically necessary — Boy and Girl date for 14 years. One Sunday afternoon, while both are sitting on Girl’s couch, watching “Cougartown” or whatever the hell else people in bullshit relationships watch, both Girl and Boy literally die of boredom. And, since no one bothers to check on them for weeks, their pets (two dogs, a cat, and a collection of stink bugs no one ever bothered to kill) eat their remains.
While there are many pluses to being smart/upwardly mobile/(slightly) bougie, a huge drawback is the fact that much of your existence is about keeping up appearances. This results in many of us entering “good on paper” relationships, where we get in (and sometimes stay in) couplings where while it looks like you two should be together, something is just missing that keeps the relationship from being great. And, what makes this even worse is the fact that both parties are aware of this fact, but they continue going through the motions because, well, they’re smart and they think they can outsmart this situation as well.
Anyway, willingly entering half-assed relationships is just one of the many dumb-ass things that smart people regularly do, and here’s a few more.
Have unprotected sex
Yes, everyone does it. But, as I’ve already explained in detail, when we do it it’s worse for three reasons:
A) We have no excuses. We’re educated about sex, we have enough disposable income to purchase an endless supply of contraception, and we all remember TLC’s “Waterfalls” video
B) We think our eyes (“She has a masters. She has to be clean. Plus, she shops at IKEA.”) are smarter than the free clinic
C) We actually have the most to lose. So what if Plaxico and Dominosha don’t use a condom and get pregnant? They already have eight kids between them. Might as well hope for twins so they can at least play 5 on 5 against each other when they’re all in the county jail in 19 years. But, despite the fact that we all know that unwanted kids have a way of derailing dreams and plans and annual trips to the national Urban League Conference and shit, many of us still through caution (and our semens) to the wind.
Try to “outsmart” nature
I’m not going to say that this is something that educated women tend to do much more often that educated men, but educated women do this much more often than educated men. Basically, this is what happens when a woman reads “The Bluest Eye” and some Bell Hooks and all of a sudden thinks that certain gender-specific things (ie: generally speaking, women aren’t “built” to be able to sleep around and be completely carefree about it.¹) that have been proven over the last billion or so years don’t apply to her.
(BTW: Am I the only one who has trouble understanding why (some) women seem to be fighting tooth and nail to be able to adopt the very worst stereotypically “man-centric” characteristics? It’s like a scientist developing a meat alternative to beef, but instead of mimicking the taste or the protein benefits, he devises something that clogs your arteries and makes you take five shits a day)
Eliminate perfectly good romantic options for extremely stupid f*cking reasons
Let’s just say that if you refuse to date a chick because you found out that, in 1998, she happened to sleep with a guy you just deleted from your Facebook friends list last week because you don’t really remember him from middle school and he doesn’t seem to really get the purpose of Facebook, you may very well likely deserve to not be allowed to breathe anymore.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, can you think of any other dumb-ass dating and relationship-centric things that educated people regularly do?
¹If you’re angry about me saying this, don’t be mad at me. Blame God. Or Eve. Or Jim Jones. Either way, don’t blame me
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
***For all the folks in the DC area, this Saturday, April 7, from 930pm-3am at Liv Nightclub (11th and U Street, NW) is another edition of #REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything brought to you by VSB, Shine On Me, and Just Cause Events. It’s FREE BEFORE 11 w/RSVP (reminiscedc.eventbrite.com), a Courvoisier sponosred open bar from 930-1030pm, and no dress code! It’s cheaper to come out and party. Last month’s party was OFF THE HINGES! Somebody shook my hand when they left and just said, “Thanks P, for throwing this party…” <—- not lying. So come and make it do what it do this Saturday at Reminisce!***
