heavy load movie This past weekend, 2/3 of the VSB family, VSB P and Liz, threw a birthday BBQ in Washington, DC to commemorate our ascendance into wisdom and sagacity.  You weren’t invited, unless you were, in which case you were probably there since quite a few people I actually didn’t know were there.  At my house.  That’s okay, this BBQ was practice of Iversonian levels.  For what you ask?

The VSB BBQ.  You heard it here first.  Coming soon.

Anyway.

It’s summertime in your city.  The advent of summertime means that every weekend, save for the weather, somebody you know is having a BBQ.  Now you might not KNOW that a BBQ is going on, but perhaps you just weren’t invited.

Maybe it’s because you suck and don’t know BBQ etiquette.  Lucky for you, I was born.

Allons-y.

VSB Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of BBQ Etiquette

Do show up with something unless it is specifically stated by the host that you are not to bring a thing.  Nothing is worse than the mothertrucker who just shows up to the BBQ, eats all the food, drinks all the drinks, doesn’t help clean up and leaves.  If this is you, go kill yourself.

On the other hand, don’t show up with some twist-ties for some trash bags that you did not bring, talking about “I’m contributing to the cause.”  I’m not saying somebody did this this past weekend, I’m just saying don’t ever do that again motherf*cker or I’ll run you over with my Magnum with two boxes of Kit-Kats in my trunk.

Do make sure to dress appropriately for a BBQ, which is by most accounts, an outdoor event.  At this past BBQ, this chick I know (bless her heart) ACTUALLY showed up with a sweater on because it was “cool” this morning.

By the way, that morning, it was 69 degrees outside.  The forecast predicted 80.  I don’t care if you’re from the 7th ring of Hell where its usually 2000 degrees, if the forecast is 80, wear some loose fitting and non-wool clothes, duckface.

If you choose not to wear the appropriate clothing, don’t complain to anybody that it’s hot as it will give Panama them free reign to douse your dumas with the water hose.  Not that this happened or anything.

Do make sure that if you are going to drink alcohol in the sweltering sun and heat that you pace yourself so that you don’t end up being the dude trying to go to sleep on my somebody’s deck because you mixed too much light and dark liquor together and got sick.  It just doesn’t make you look good — you look like the guy who can’t handle his liquor.

Do enjoy whatever food that the hosts provide assuming it tastes good, but don’t complain about what they didn’t cook if you didn’t bring a single thing to the table in the first place.  There’s nothing worse than somebody who finds a reason to complain because you didn’t have steak at your BBQ when they showed up with a bottle of $2.99 wine.  Seriously, who in the flying black squirrel f*ck drinks wine at a BBQ anyway??  That’s new to me.  Perhaps I’m uncultured because at every BBQ I’ve been to its beer and hard liquor.

Apparently as you acquire degrees, folks start bringing Pinot Noir to the soiree.  Hey ho.  Hey hey.

Do make sure to be social.  It’s a BBQ: God’s Social Hour.  Seriously, that’s how you can tell whether or not you have a keeper boyfriend or girlfriend.  If you take them to a BBQ, a social event by design, and they retreat into themselves and don’t speak to anybody except you, throw the b*tch back.

By the way, in that last sentence, b*tch is non-gender specific.

Speaking of speaking, if you do happen to decide to go to a BBQ being thrown by somebody you don’t know, don’t traipse your happy little arse into the person’s abode or pavilion and not speak to a single person except the person you know.  For one, a person like me will call you straight the f*ck out for coming into my establishment on some f*ck sh*t.  But also, it’s just rude.  And nobody likes rude people.  People like nice people who smile and speak.

Maybe it’s the southerner in me, but seriously, that’s like coming in my house and not wiping your feet on the rug.  Disrespect.

Well, I think that’s enough out of VSB P for now.  What are some other do’s and don’ts that people need to be aware of when attending a BBQ and specifically the upcoming VSB BBQ?

Sharing is caring people.  We’re indirectly healing the world.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3