Douche Intuition: Why It Helps For Women To Have A Male Friend (Or Family Member) Around

man-woman-dating-450ms040909

Despite whichever feelings you have about gender equality, gender roles, genderism, and Ryan Lewis, it’s hard not to admit that (generally speaking) men possess certain advantages over women, and vice versa.

For instance, it’s documented that women tend to have a higher tolerance for physical pain than we do. Which, considering that some of them pay people to splash scolding wax on their vageens once a month for…really no reason whatsoever, makes sense. And, if my experience has taught me anything, they’re also much better than we tend to be at recalling mundane and seemingly forgettable details from month’s old conversations in a context-less matter (“Remember, back in June when we were watching Shark Tank and I asked you to pass me that bag of pretzels and you handed one to me instead?”) just to provide evidence of the truth of certain a narrative (“You’re selfish.”) they’re trying to prove today. They’re really, really good at that.

We also have our advantages. Some include being better than women at doing pull-ups, dunking, farting, building shit with brawn, and playing spades. (Don’t argue.) And, one of these advantages comes in the form of douche intuition.

What do you mean, Wise Sublime Supreme One?” I hear you pleading. “What is this intuition you speak of?”

Let me give you a scenario:

“John” is at some happy hour or house party or Charades contest some other bullshit social event. He’s introduced to “Ken.” Ken is new in town. They speak for several minutes. Ken seems like a nice guy. Personable, social, handsome, and well-dressed, John isn’t gay or anything — nttawwt — but he can tell that women will probably be very interested in him.

Which is unfortunate. Why? Well, there’s something else John has been able to tell. Ken is definitely a douche.

Which may seem odd because Ken doesn’t look particularly douchey. And he hasn’t said or done anything particularly douchey. But John just knows. He can’t explain how he knows. He just does.

Every guy reading this has experienced this before. You don’t know what it is about the guy, but you just instinctively — and immediately — know he’s a douchebag. Not kind of an asshole or a dick. But a full on douche, a scumbag, a guy you make sure to spend as little time around as possible. You don’t say anything about it. You don’t want to seem like a hater. And really, you don’t have any evidence other than your own gut feeling. You just know.

But while you were able to sniff his douche out the first time he looked at you with his douchey eyes and extended his douchey right hand to shake yours, this intuition doesn’t seem to extend to the women he interacts with. Well, maybe it does for some. But enough are so completely oblivious to it that they don’t pick up on it until he does something particularly douchey to them.

But why? Why are so many women blind to something that so many men seem to see so easily? For a while I thought it had to do with attraction. Basically, sometimes these men have so many other attractive qualities that it manages to initially conceal the douche. Which is something every man who’s dated an Erica Mena can relate to. I also thought that maybe they noticed the douche too, but thought they could somehow change it. While that would explain a lot, it doesn’t account for the surprise present when the douchebag does something extra douchey.

Now though, I think it’s much more simple than that. I think we’re better douche detectors because we’re just better at knowing men. While (generally speaking) women might know individual men they’ve dated better than anyone else does, a lifetime of all types of interactions with men — classmates, friends, roommates, acquaintances, enemies — have made us (well, most of us) experts on men as a collective. That immediate and instinctual impression is nothing but a lifetime of determining to who to trust, who to not to trust, who to introduce to your homegirl, and who not to piss on if they were on fire distilled into thin slices.

This is one of the many reasons why it pays for women to have a brother or close male friend or cousin or co worker or former concubine they can count on as douche detectors; guys who, when you ask “Well, what do you think about Ken? He’s cool, right?” just respond with “He’s bad news.” And, when you ask why, they just say “Trust me.”

(Do they actually trust him? Well, that’s another topic for another day.)

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Wanna Be A “Good” Guy? Assume Women Are Liars

"Hmm. Does it count against my number if he can only climax while sleep?"

“I rocked my American Apparel unmentionables for this?”

A couple months ago, a friend of mine (“Jack”) shared a story where he ended up sleeping with someone he knew he shouldn’t have slept with. The woman (“Jane”) had been a close platonic (Ha!) friend of his for several years. They shared dating war stories, knew each other’s families, and even occasionally attended church together.

But, one night a few months ago, a “let’s hit this happy hour after work” text turned into “eh, this happy hour is wack, do you still have that bottle of honey jack from the last game night” leading to “i’m too f*cked up to drive home, do you mind if I crash on your couch?” andeventually ending at “do you have any condoms?”

After breaking the seal, they’ve had sex at least once a week for the last three or four months. Apparently, she had feelings for him for some time. And, although she knows the feelings aren’t reciprocated—a fact he made very blunt after they slept together the first time so she wouldn’t get “the wrong idea”—she swears she’s perfectly fine with the arrangement. They’re still cool, they still share dating war stories, and they still (occasionally) go to church together. Only difference now is that he knows that, if the spirit moves him and he wants to get some ass, he can go over there at any time. And, not only has he hit her up after going on dates with other women, he’s gone over to her place before dates as well.

I imagine that most people reading this story have come to the conclusion that Jack is a major douchebag. Even those who might envy what he’s been able to do probably still think it takes a special grade of douche to sleep with a woman (a friend!) who has feelings for you even though you know they’re unrequited, and an even specialer, enhanced grade of douche—douche crack, I guess—to openly and brazenly date other women in her presence.

But, believing Jack is a limited-edition douche means that you’ve made another assumption—an assumption many of us also make even if we don’t want to make it and don’t realize we’ve made it:

Jane is a liar.

Our perception of Jack’s douchiness directly correlates to Jane’s feelings. We know Jane has feelings for Jack, so even though she swears she’s a-ok with being his f*ck buddy, we know she’s lying. She can’t possibly be telling the truth. There’s no way the satisfaction she gets from being a 3am on a Wednesday night booty call of a person she wants to be with is worth the shame of being a 3am on a Wednesday booty call of a person she wants to be with.

And, why are we so sure that she’s not being honest with herself? Well, she’s a woman, and, well, she’s a woman, and since she’s a woman, she’s not telling the truth cause that’s not how women “think” and “feel” about sex.

Now, if we believed Jane was being completely honest, Jack wouldn’t be seen as a douche, and this would just be a story about two adults who’ve decided to have some fun with each other in a mutually agreed upon and mutually beneficial way. But, since Jane is a woman—and since both socialization and experience has taught us that she’s probably not being honest with her feelings—the socially palatable (read: good) way for him to have dealt with this situation is to assume that Jane’s gender makes her completely unable to be honest about stuff like this. Basically, the only way for Jack to avoid being considered a douche is to assume Jane—and any other woman who’d say “I’m cool” in a similar situation—isn’t really a-ok with the arrangement, and not sleep with her. Basically, to be a “good” guy, sometimes you need to assume that women are liars.

I can imagine that many of you don’t think this is a fair assessment. Shit, I said it and I still don’t. But, it’s only unfair because, out of me, you, Jack, and Jane, Jack is the only one we know is telling the truth.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

That’s Just My Friend: Signs They’re Cheating On You With A Friend Of Yours.

Duck. Duck. GREY GOOSE!

By now, nearly everybody has heard about Robby Pardlo’s episode of the A&E show, Intervention, where he’s exposed as an alcoholic. In said episode, he admits that part of his unwinding into a raging drunk was because his girlfriend of years, Claudette Ortiz, dumped her for their bandmate Ryan Toby, who she eventually married and apparently cheated on AT LEAST two times (she has 3 kids, two of which aren’t his, but were both born WHILE she was married to him).

Da f*ck? Where dey do dat at?

While I’ve never knowingly had a girlfriend cheat on me with one of my boys, I did have an ex openly ask me if she could pursue something with one of mi hombres after I broke up with her. Me? I said, “sure, go ahead.” I really didn’t give a flying frog f*ck about her at that point and had she been hit by a rhinosaurus driving a Silverado I wouldn’t have given two sh*ts. Mostly because she cheated on me with a dude I DIDN’T know. But I knew she cheated.

I’ve lost my point. Oh John the Rabbit, oh yes. So, the whole time we were dating, apparently she was scheming on my homey though she never pursued until we broke up. And I knew something was up. How’d I know? Well, I’m a beast, I’m a dog, I’m a motherf*cking problem. But more simply, people will tell you everything you need to know. Follow me.

1. They start randomly mentioning your friend out nowhere.

You ever been out with one of your friends and they can’t stop talking about somebody new they know. But even worse, they find odd ways to bring them up. You need an example, don’t you. Cool.

Shaniquilt: I really love what NASA’s got planned for the future of hydrogen-carbide O-rings and staples.  What do you think?

Shalulu: Yeah, James was just talking to me yesterday about apples and I was thinking about NASA when he  had said…”apples”.

Shaniquilt: Da f*ck?

So imagine that scenario if you and your girl are in the car and you say:

You: Baby I love these Skittles you bought me. They so tart.

Her: James loves Skittles too.

You: Um, yeah. Why’d you bring him up there.

Her: No reason. * whistling *

Sign number one you silly sucka.

2. Not only do they bring them up, they COMPLIMENT them.

If your girl starts doling out compliments to one of your friends all willy nilly, you should definitely give her a stern side-eye and make a mental note of it. Be clear, there is NO reason that you’re girl should be paying THAT much attention to any of your homeboys that she knows what king of cologne smells best on him.

3. They always want to invite your friend to functions.

Beware your gf/bf who ALWAYS wants your homey to be there because “they so funny.” Remember fellas, humor is what charms the drawz off of any woman. Thing is, initially it will seem really benign and actually nice and sweet that they want to hang with your friends but there will come a point where it jus seems odd to invite them – like to the bedroom or ice cream.

Her: I’m tired. You think James wants to come and watch movies with us and then possibly spoon. Don’t you think that would be great? What if he rubbed on my booty too! *shriek* Yay!!!!

4. They find ways to hang out with your buddy without you.

Not sure this needs and explanation, but you should definitely kill them if this happens and any of numbers 1-3 have occurred.

5. You catch them cheating.

Sorry, pal. We’ll see you on A&E’s intervention.

That’s a quick list for you.  Good patrons of the VSB, did I miss any signs???

Lay it on me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3