No Pre-Nupt? No Problem

The NBA: Where putting a million-dollar ring on it to postpone something that's going to happen in seven years anyway, happens.

“30 years ago, everyone at this table would have either been married with kids or thought to be thoroughly f*cked up or gay if they weren’t married with kids yet.”

A friend of mine made this point after observing the demographics — 12 people, all between 27 and 34, all with decent incomes, and none of us had children or had been married — of the get-together we happened to be at. While her assertion may have been a tad off (I’d say those things were true 50 years ago instead of 30), her point — that more and more of us are waiting longer to start families (if deciding to start them at all)is definitely true. A quick glance at Google, the evening news, or the VSB archives confirms it, as study after study has shown that this phenomenon is actually affecting everyone (yes. even white people) 

But while this trend is generally thought to be a bad thing, I don’t share that sentiment. Sure, perhaps the more successful of us could reproduce a bit more to balance out the collective spawns of Jethro and Hen-Rockeisha stealing Duracells and beef jerky from rest stop gas stations, but there are already 7 billion gotdamn people on the planet. I doubt the world is going to come to an end if one or one thousand master degreed motherf*ckers decide to opt out of having children.

Also — and this is a point we always seem to forget — out of the people you know who are currently engaged/married, how many of those relationships would you actually categorize as “good?” Seriously, I bet if each of us were to think of 10 couples currently in serious relationships (and “serious” is defined as “been together for at least a year”) and were asked to make bets on how long each relationship was going to last, we’d give at least 6 of them “a year, tops“….and we’d be right. That’s not even counting the horrifically mismatched motherf*ckers who’ve stayed a couple because they’re scared to break up with each other.

You can make the argument that we’re reading the stats the wrong way. Too many people are in relationships/married that clearly have no business being together, and more and more of us are starting to realize this to be true. Perhaps we’re actually trending upward.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve all heard that everyone’s favorite least favorite athlete is breaking up with his wife. Apparently, she just became fed up with the fact that he couldn’t keep in his pants. ***Insert joke about Mexican women, black mambas, and underbites.***

Now, an uber-popular professional athlete repeatedly cheating on his wife is about as dog bites man-ey as a news story gets. But, the part of this situation that seems to have the most people taking is the fact that Kobe did not have a pre-nuptial agreement in place. His wife will receive half of his net worth — which is reported to be roughly 150 million dollars — and may be able to receive spousal support for the next 450 or so years.

Whether the former Mrs. Bryant actually deserves that money has been argued and debated ad nauseum, but the general sentiment about Kobe not asking her to sign a pre-nupt can be summed up in nine words: “He’s a gotdamn f*cking idiot…and an anal rapist” 

I disagree. Not with the anal raping part, of course. (Just to be clear, I do disagree with anal rape in general. Down with anal rape and sh*t.) I don’t think that not signing a pre-nupt makes him an idiot.¹ 

We all have the benefit of hindsight, allowing us to determine today that him not making his (then) 18 year old wife sign a pre-nuptial agreement in 2001 was clearly an idiotic move. At the same time, though, if you love someone enough to legally and spiritually commit the rest of your life to them, doesn’t a pre-nupt cheapen that entire process? Aren’t you basically saying “I love the sh*t out of you, and I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. I’ll carry you to Heaven, and, if need be, I’ll even follow you to Hell. Buuuuut, I’m a need you to sign this paper real quick just in case that whole loving the sh*t out of you thing doesn’t work. Deal?”

I know many of you (and by “you” I mean “the men reading this“) are probably thinking “That’s easy for you to say, Champ. I don’t know what your bank account looks like, but I’m pretty certain you aint worth 150 mil.” Thing is — and Chris Rock already made this point in one of his comedy specials — my relatively minuscule bank account actually makes a pre-nupt more sensible for me. I think Kobe will be ok with his 75 mil. But, if me or any of the rest of the 40 to 100 thousand dollar a year n*ggas reading this were forced to give half away, we’d have good motive to kill someone.

With that being said, I’d still never ask a woman to sign a pre-nupt. While some consider that piece of paper to be protection, I think it just exposes doubt. Perhaps I’m just hopelessly romantic (possible) or just dangerously naive (very possible), but I believe that if there’s any doubt then your ass just don’t need to be together at all.

As I stated before, there are already too many not really ready to be married motherf*ckers walking down the alter and taking up precious Jet magazine space. Why even make that step if you’re not willing to put all of your chips in?

¹Having unprotected anal sex with a woman you just met 20 minutes ago does, though

—The Champ

***If you get a minute, check out “The Conversation: Let’s Talk About Race” — a (duh) on-going conversation about race I’m having at The Good Men Project with author Andrew Cotto.***

Say It Ain’t So, Santa! Kim K Is Getting a Divorce!

Look, I know I don't belong here, but until she figures it out, I'M RICH BEEEEYOTCH!

Well, if you had 72 days in your office pool, consider yourself a beast. Or a goon. Or a motherf*ckin’ prophet goblin. As the world discovered yesterday, Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her goofy husband-beard combo man of 72 days.

Hey, did you know that the average gestation period for a dog is 58-70 days? A cat is 58-65 days. A wolf is about 68 days. The more you know.

*ding*

Back to Kim and Kris. Nobody thought this marriage was going to last. Hell, I’m sure most of couldn’t quite believe it was happening. Kris Humphries included. And I’m not sure if it was because we were surprised that that ninja pulled Kim K. or because we couldn’t believe that a woman whose entire comeup was due to one wayward sex tape would ever convince a man to marry her. Sure, men fall in love with strippers all the time. But Ray J made her famous. Fan or not, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

Real talk, if I sent them a wedding gift I’d ask for it back. I wonder if all along Kim just wanted to have a wedding and knew that no sane individual with money would actually waste his time wifing her, and she’d never date a regular guy anyway so her chances of ending up married were probably slim, so she said f*ck it and planned the only wedding in history that actually MADE money. Which might be a first given that like it or not, Kim K is a good lookin’ woman. It’s reminiscent of the Lauren London effect. Knowing that she let Lil Wayne knock her up somehow reduced her stock to Netflix status.

Conventionally speaking, the Kardashian sisters teach us some interesting lessons about life. The most banging one, Kim, is the one I think most of us would least like to marry and it has sh*t to do with her. She doesn’t seem to have much personality to speak of anyway but some men could deal with that. But again, she was Willie Jr’s jumpoff and nearly all men think we have more game than Ray J despite the fact that it’s obviously not true. There’s a possible post in there but I’ll hold off on that. Khloe is debateably attractive. And by debateably I mean not very. She’s got a certain half man/half amazing face going on that I’m just not sure I’d ever be comfortable waking up next too. Luckily Lamar Odom doesn’t mind that so much. But yet, she’s the married one…like ACTUALLY married. Kourtney is my favorite and she got knocked up by a white dude. That despite his dbag status is the kind of guy nearly all Black women would love to hang with.

It’s really quite confounding. The Kardashians really are some ninjas.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Kris Humphries not only saw this coming but didn’t give a f*ck either. Again, my guess is that he couldn’t believe it was happening anyway. So he rode that pony until he couldn’t anymore. One day he woke up and was like, “holy sh*t, I’m actually about to marry motherf*ckin’ Kim Kardashian.” So instead of trying to make this farcical wedding work, he just decided to party it up and live good on her dime while the good times rolled. He had no business in that role anyway. And I’m with him on that. I’d be throwing that Kardashian money around, making it typhoon on hoes in Singapore and Tokyo…at the same time. I’d send one of my boys to Tokyo and we’d do a synchronized money drop just because we could. The ignorance would be impressive.

The one thing to note here is that not only is nobody surprised, I’m guessing nobody cares. Not even Kim’s sisters. Not Lamar Odom. Not OJ. He actually just wants freedom. Not a cat in a hat. Not a bat chasing a rat who scats like that like this or like that, and uh. The fact that you could call a wedding off after a mere 72 days means you weren’t every officially into the sh*t to begin with. Short of finding out that your man smanged your mother’s labridoodle while singing “The Saints Go Marching In” and cooking breakfast for your best friend twice removed, there shouldn’t be SO much turmoil that early in that you have to get a divorce. That’s what makes it look even more ridiculous. Even by Hollywood standards that’s too short. At least make it to a year, Kim. Make us believe love did live there at some point. Plus, what a douche. He’s out of a job and his job sucked in the first place. Way to kick a man when he’s down, Kim. You trollop.

Thoughts, if any, on the big news? Are you surprised it lasted only 72 days? What was your original guess for their marriage’s demise? And even more interesting, is Kim K marriage material?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I WOULDN’T MARRY HER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[***AdminNote: For the DC ninjas, come party this Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub (2001 11th Street, NW) as VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. Free before 11pm ($10 after); open bar from 10-11pm (real talk); and no dress code. Party wit' ya folk. Doors at 10pm.***]

Why It’s True That Men Need To Love “Harder” Than Women

One of my homegirls (“Angie”) divorced her husband a little over a year ago. After going through the perfunctory post-breakup reflection and mourning period, she started dating again. She’s shared a few of her dating tales, and between the grandmomma’s boys, 40 year old aspiring rap producers, and men who send her texts spelling touche “tu shea”, it wouldn’t be hyperbole to say that her dating life mirrors the first 35 minutes of every movie Gabrielle Union’s ever been in.

While this perpetual comedy of errored men hasn’t made Angie jaded or discouraged, it has changed her entire relationship outlook. Where she might have been a bit to too pressed to please and impress before, her trials and tribulations have made her a bit more pragmatic about the dating game. During a conversation yesterday, I asked what accounted for this (refreshingly) sober outlook, and she replied:

“If my failed marriage has taught me anything, it’s that the next serious relationship I get in will have to be with a man who loves me much more than I love him. I think all women should adapt that policy, actually. We’d all be much better for it. “

As you probably imagined, this statement stopped me in my tracks. While the whole “for the best relationships, a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him” sentiment isn’t new (I’m sure half of the women reading this have heard some variant of this from their grandmothers) I’ve always considered it to be stupid, short-sighted, and, well dangerous, and I was surprised that someone as smart as Angie would say that.

I understand that relationships will never be 50/50. One party will always be a tad bit more committed to the relationship than the other (And whoever happens to be the least committed also usually holds the most power…but that’s another topic for another day), but hearing a woman actually say that any man she’s serious about needs to love her more than she loves him is a man’s worst nightmare; a confirmation that, beneath all the sugar and spice, women are inherently selfish, superficial, and full of shit.

But then I put my $9.99 worth of man pride aside and thought about it.

I considered the fact that, because men tend to be socialized to “conquer” while women tend to be socialized to commit, it takes a bit more for a man to entertain the idea of a long-term monogamous relationship than it usually does for a women. (and “it takes a bit more” = “he probably needs to be completely head over heels”)

I remembered that between pregnancy, (relatively) tiny reproductive windows, and the fact that sex is a much more potentially dangerous act for a woman than a man, it does kind of make sense for a woman to be completely sure that any man she chooses to lay with is completely gaga over her.

I even recalled “The Close Bus Syndrome” and “Sadie’s Shady” — two blogs I’ve written that were eventually fleshed out into full chapters in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night.” Why do these blogs matter? Well, in “Sadie’s Shady” I explain that one of the main reasons why women shouldn’t pursue men is that (generally speaking) women don’t grow on men the same way men can grow on women. Basically, if a guy was really into a woman, he would have done whatever he could to pursue her first. If he hasn’t done that, he’s probably lukewarm, and if a man is lukewarm about a women he’s dating, she’s very likely to get “Close-Bused.”

Eh. It pains me to admit this, but I think Angie might have been right.

Do you?

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Chuck Norris or Liz to fix it)

Can Obama Save Marriage, the Economy, AND DIVORCE?

Let’s HOPE HE CAN!

As America and Washington, DC, gear up for the inauguration and the next four years of a Barack Obama presidency, we’re mired in a recession of tremendous proportions.  Blow.er.

Well, the economy is SO BAD, people can’t even afford to get a damn divorce anymore!

To wit:

With nearly one in six homes worth less than the mortgage owed on it, according to Moody’s Economy.com, divorce lawyers and financial advisors throughout the country say the logistics of divorce have been turned around.

“We used to fight about who gets to keep the house,” said Gary Nickelson, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “Now we fight about who gets stuck with the dead cow.”

As a result, divorce has become more complicated and often more expensive, with lower prospects for money on the other side. Some divorce lawyers say that business has slowed down, or that clients are deciding to stay together because there are no assets left to help them start over.

If that ain’t a reason to be ready for Bush to get.the.f*ck.on. then I don’t know what is.  It’s so bad, folks are being forced to stay together because they’re essentially not worth crap and nobody wants to not be worth crap.  It’s like, craptastic.

In a normal economy, couples typically build equity in their homes, then divide that equity in a divorce, either after selling the house or with one partner buying out the other’s share. But after the recent boom and bust cycle, more couples own houses that neither spouse can afford to maintain, and that they cannot sell for what they owe on it. For couples already under stress, the family home has become a toxic asset.

You know what must suck?  Paying a $350K mortgage on a home that’s now only worth $280K.  But you know what sucks more than that AND Olivia Fox?  A de-valued home AND marriage and having no way in Hell of getting out of either.  And don’t get it twisted, these couples aren’t going to be forced to “work it out” and continue on with their marriage.  If anything, I’m guessing people will begin to hate eachother even more (assuming its reached non-amicable proportions) because not only is the love and thrill gone, but there’s no real money anymore either.  No lovin’ and no dividends?

Somebody might get OJ’d.

I’m not an advocate for divorce, but I’m also not the biggest advocate for marriage (though I’m all for anybody who’s really ready for it and is committed to staying that way).  Though I recognize the advantages of marriage, there’s a reason so many people end up in divorce:  I don’t think its hard enough to get married.  All you basically have to do is show up somewhere and you can lock yourself into the worst situation of your life.  Word to my brother.  I think if folks really had to prove to one another that they actually wanted to be married for the right reasons, marriages would probably last longer.

But as it is, that’s not the case right now.

And as that is, I do happen to believe that sometimes, two people really don’t belong together and when that time comes, it just may be necessary to sever ties.  If you didn’t try to make it work, well bully on you; however, that’s not my fight.  But imagine that you’ve exhausted all outlets short of BBJ himself coming down and fixing it and you’ve both resolved that its best to go your separate ways…

…but the economy has made it so that you can’t even afford to move on.  Let’s just hope we don’t hear about people flying off of balconies in the near future.

Word to Stanley Reimer.

We thought we needed Obama to forge the road for Black people, and we think he just might do wonders for Black love, but the economy needs him for more than just that.  We need him to help restore order to the marital order of things.

We need Obama to restore our 50 percent divorce rate so people can be happy again.

Obama, are you up for it?

Are you?!?!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P