All I Want For…A Black Man’s Wishlist

On Monday, December 3rd, in Washington, DC, I’m going to be apart of a panel discussion entitled “A Black Man’s Wishlist”. Dr. J from SBM will also be apart of this convo and has written a similarly titled post (you can read it here). It’s a panel directed at what Black men wish for within relationships.

Well, I figured that since the vast majority of VSBers don’t live in DC and hence won’t be able to attend this panel on Monday, that we should have an interesting convo about it here that may help illuminate some of the very things that will be said and occur on said panel. Basically, let’s just tear apart gender relations between men and women. Plus it’s Christmastime and if there’s one thing that’s synonymous with Christmahanukwanzaakah it’s wishlists. Word to my offspring.

Sidenote: I actually think that a “man’s” wishlist and a “Black man’s” wishlist are going to be remarkably similar. Men, for the most part are fairly consistent at being men. Race only matters for the nuance and the size of the ass you prefer. And even then you can get okeydoked with a Black woman with no ass and a white woman with a donk. God has a sense of humor. And Jesus has a 6-pack.

Of spirits.

Holy ones.


I’m here every Tuesday. Well, every other Tuesday. Except holidays.


So what is on a Black man’s wishlist, you ask? Good question. And don’t worry ladies, I’m going to ask you for your wishlist too. But let’s pretend like it’s 1947 and you can’t vote. Hmmm, I couldn’t vote then either, huh. Well, I’ll be. Let’s just move on and say, “wait your turn.”

1. A clean slate

Fellas, have you ever had a chick say to you something like, “all I ask is that you don’t do XYZ. My ex used to do that and it drove me crazy.” That, mi amigas, is a very bad way to start a conversation. For one, it implies that you clearly are in your feelings and are going to be extra vigilant in that one area. And it ALSO implies that even the most on-the-fence determination of whatever it is you hate is going to lead to an argument. Leave your ex in the past. Listen to Ne-yo for a while, let him love you, until you learn to love yourself, THEN come thru and let me f*ck up our relationship on my own merits. K? Thanks. Bye.

2. Loyalty

Look, I know, a Black man asking for loyalty reeks of double standardism at worst and naivete at best. But we’re talking a wish list right? That implies a certain optimistic disregard for reality and whether or not you deserve it right? Halle Berry? Hallelujah? Word. So, most Black men want a total ride or die chick which sometimes involves just shutting up and letting us lead or blindly trusting or believing in us. Why do you think so many athletes marry women that don’t seem to fit the athlete stereotype? (They do eventually divorce them for usually much more attractive prototypes, but hey, respect the shooter). Knowing that you’ve got a woman who unequivocally has your back is something that many of us want – though honestly, blind loyalty is also a sign of zealotness in my opinion, so perhaps I have no idea what I’m talking about here.

Personally, I don’t value loyalty over all other things. I expect it because I give it, but I’m not going to trumpet a woman’s loyalty as a sign that I need to lock it down. Hell, that might make her blinded by own vision of what she thinks she wants versus the reality of the situation. Or at least that’s my interpretation of the situation.

3. Level – headed

Sounds like a no brainer. Every woman is going to say, “this list is stupid, you need to date better women.” VSB Unicorn Gangsta Clique. And ain’t nobody fresher than my clique, clique, clique, clique, clique. However, a lot of ninjas on here are full of sh*t. Every woman isn’t level headed, just like every man here isn’t as emotionless and logic-drive as we claim. So ideally, we’d like a woman who keeps her cool before she blows a gasket over something trivial. Realizes that everything isn’t a big deal. Knows that just because you have a friend that’s a woman doesn’t mean that you have slept with her or are going to. Now, mama didn’t raise no fools either so nobody expects her to get run over. And I’d wager that most men don’t want to seriously date a woman who operates as a doormat.

4. A chick who makes decisions.


Hol’ up hol’ up. I have to make decisions all day, P. Sometimes its nice to come home and not have to figure everything out. Why can’t you just take over then.

I feel you, boo. I said I do I do I do I do I do. But here’s the problem – and it’s not a new one. Me making decisions means me making decisions. Not me making a decision and you 86ing it because even though you don’t know what you want, you know what you don’t want. Like R. Kelly, I wish that you’d either make a decision or just go along for the ride. I also have to make decisions all day and then I have to come home and hope I’m making a decision you like? Nah boo. I study P-I-M-P ology, and logically, be learning these chicks biology, and obviously well…I say hush puppies, we eatin’ hush puppies.

5. Self-confidence and security

While it is not my job to make you more secure as a woman, it is definitely important that I not make you insecure. I’ll do my best. I may suck at it sometimes, but I promise to try to lift you up whenever I can. However, you have to show up high on yourself too. You need to smoke yourself up a bit, smell me? One of the sexxiest things on the planet is a woman with confidence. She doesn’t need to be the type to make others feel below her, but she knows who she is and what she brings to the table. That is sexxy and the woman who carries it the right way is going to win constantly. There’s nothing more engaging and alluring than a first conversation with a woman who is so sure of herself while you know you’re sure of yourself and the jockeying and jostling that occurs during the intial back and forth. A woman who will give you back whatever you dish out but in a fun and non-degrading manner. A woman who doesn’t have to make somebody who did her wrong feel like less than a human but let them know that she also isn’t to be trifled with.

Real talk, look at gawd.

Those are some of the things on a Black man’s wishlist. There are probably a million others. My brothas, what’s on yours. And ladies, what is on your wish list.

And by the way, there were no shots taken during the writing of this post. Get out of your feelings.

What’s on your wishlist??


DMV: A Black Man’s Wishlist – Monday, December 3, 2012, from 7-9PM, hosted by Krystal Glass. Tickets available at

Come out and be apart of the convo at Busboys & Poets at 5th and K Streets, NW on Monday. See you there!



Generalize This.

Protect your nuts.

One of the most interesting facets of being an internet talking head, especially in the relationship realm, is how often people get their panties in a bunch about generalizations. Now, I’m not sure if it’s because people aren’t sure that we don’t know better or because people just like to point out that everybody isn’t XYZ. Whoopty whoop whoopty whoop whoop.

Here’s the long and short of it: I both know that everybody isn’t one way or another. But I also talk to too many people at once to NOT generalize. Also, I tend to assume that most of the reading populace is smart enough to grasp the concept that I don’t need to put “some” in front of every generalized statement in order to play fair. Well, the reading populace here anyway.

But here’s another issue that I take with being called out on generalizations (and to be real, and rude as this is going to come off, I generally don’t give a f*ck): none of us motherf*ckers are really that special anyway. People don’t like generalizations because they’re too easy. They paint everybody with a broad brush. We’re not all the same. Yes. I know. But the larger your sample of individuals (like say, “women” “men” “Black people” “white people” “ninjas”, etc) the closer you get to an average baseline. The fact is, while you, the specific individual, may not be a nag, in general, a preponderance of women are.

While you, hombre, may not be the inconsiderate, selfish f*ck that men are painted as, there is a huge majority of men who are. Period.

Then there’s this other game that both men and women run when being talked about in a negative fashion: “none of my friends are like that” or “I know more people who aren’t like xyz than are like 123″.

Bull malarkey. We don’t believe you, you need more people. Show and prove. All I do is spark mad izms. While we do tend to exaggerate at times (obviously) the truth is that most people are speaking from personal experience. And somebody like myself who has made it a point to try to do the best I can to observe human behavior (almost to a fault) the generalizations that get made aren’t THAT off base, if at all. Same with stereotypes. I f*cking love stereotypes. Hell, in some instances I attempt to BE the stereotype. You want a n*gga to show up? I’ll be that. If you expect it, allow me to be it.

But people hate those too. And I’ve never understood why folks got so up in arms. Stereotypes are rooted in truth. Now, I understand that most have a pejorative nature to them and since they tend to be generalizations about large groups, nobody wants to be lumped in with that group.

But that’s because you people all want to be special. We have worked so hard individually to NOT be that stereotype that we want to move far from it. Hell, some of you right now are ashamed of your hood family because they fit every stereotype known to man, but because you don’t, you don’t like stereotypes and prefer that they don’t get used.


Also ran…why don’t folks come down on comedians for their rampant need to use generalizations and stereotypes as as means of social discovery and exploration. Hell, that’s effectively what we do here. And even on sites that are less comedic so to speak, unless you take a larger aim at a subject there’s no discussion to be had. If every time I wrote something I said, Some of You Slob Knobs For Fun But Most Of You Don’t (not true anyway), there’s no discussion or debate to be had. Because there’s nothing to argue. It’s statistically accurate and damn near teflon to dissect.

I honestly think that the only way race relations in this country will get better is if Black folks and white folks sat down at a table and put all of the generalizations and stereotypes on the table as discussion points. That’s how you move forward. The only way you can get past the surface level misunderstandings is to discuss what they are in the first place. Which are generalizations. And stereotypes. Once you get past that point, sure, you can do away with them.

But that’s also a one-on-one thing. And we ain’t there yet. And at the end of the day, most of us have encountered more generalizations than outliers and exceptions to the rule anyway. So while I understand the beef with generalizations, I also think that getting upset about them does more of a disservice than discussing the circumstances around how we even got there in the first place.

All men are dogs? Yep. Now here’s why and here’s where you’re wrong.

All women are insane? Yep. Now here’s why and here’s where you’re wrong.

All Black people are criminals? Wait..what?

All white people smell like wet dogs? Um. What?

Sometimes you have to just put sh*t out there in order to get the debate going. Plus, a ninja like me? I’m the arsonist. I arson sh*t. But at the end of the day there’s a discussion to be had. Hate or love me at the beginning or end of it doesn’t change the fact that the discussion needs to happen does it?

Good people of VSB, what say you? Do generalizations and stereotypes have any place in discussions and debates or are they a detriment to true progress?

Talk to me.