Things Go Better With PJ and Champ, Vol. 1

photo(1)Hello all, today at VSB, Damon and I decided to employ something we often read over at ESPN’s now defunct Page 2 and now Grantland between writer Bill Simmons and anybody he felt like talking too, usually Chuck Klosterman or Malcolm Gladwell, where they picked a topic and went back and forth via email to discuss said topic. We figured, we’re both brilliant, let’s see what happens when we do it. What follows was the day long conversation we had.

Panama Jackson: So I was listening to Sway In The Morning (Shade45 radio swag) this morning as I do every morning after I don’t do the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink…and Heather B (Glocks up!) and Sway had a back and forth about men and women’s vacations being different. Apparently Heather B’s father’s homeboy (or as much of a homeboy a 65-year-old man can be) wasn’t being allowed to go to Atlantic City with his boys. His wife put the kibosh on it. Never mind that a 65 year old man STILL gets put on time out by his wife – something that I wish a ninja WOULD try to do to me at 65 – the fact is that he couldn’t go because men trips are allegedly just ratchet affairs of men indulging in f*ckery while women just go have drinks and talk to each other. I’m inclined to say Heather B is full of it but then again, I know some ratchet dudes. So what do you think? Men and women’s vacations…different? And do you think the Gay Reindeer could put the kibosh on your man’s trip at age 65?

The Champ: I have to let you know you made my morning with the news that Heather B is still alive. I assumed she got sucked into the same portal that swallowed the rest of the female rappers from the 90s. I thought she’d be in a parallel universe playing Connect Four with Charlie Baltimore right now.

Anyway, I’m more intrigued by the fact that this 65 year old man is still taking vacations to AC with his boys. As much as I thought The Hangover was THE MOST OVERRATED MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN, its premise was created around a practical reality: The “all boys” trips to Vegas or Caribana or the Atlanta Strip Club Crawl that we (men) like to take in our 20s and early 30s usually end when we start getting families. I don’t know of any married men—especially not any married men over 40—who still do that.

Why do we stop doing that? Because all boys trips are full of ratchetness. There’s no getting around that.

Seriously, lets say three or four of your married homegirls tell you they’re going to Europe for a week. You’re going to assume it’s going to involve shopping, museums, food, and a trip to one of those boutiques Oprah was thrown out of. And, you’d probably be right. If four of your boys were to tell you the same thing, though, you’d assume that at least one of them would come back home with an STD that hasn’t been invented yet. And, you’d probably be right.

I’m not saying that women are unable to get uncontrollably ratchet in situations like that, and I’m also not saying that men are unable to control themselves. But, men are more likely to wild out in a situation like that. (And, even if we don’t, there’s the perception that we did. Basically, even if we don’t do anything, it’s still going to be assumed that we did.)

Yes, it’s a double standard, but it’s a double standard that deals with reality, not a politically correct version of it.

PJ: Speaking of political correctness, I had one of those cringe-because-I’m-Black-and-educated moments today. I was on the Metro platform (DC’s subway) and a young white couple sat next to me. Then on the bench behind me sat a duo of young Black males who were rapping along to Chief Keef very loudly. They were also harmonizing which I’m pretty sure killed two stereotypes with one stone. They continued to yell n-word this and f*ck that b*tch very loudly. Almost as if putting on a show. I both love and hate my people at the SAME DAMN TIME. Wait, did I just do what they did? I don’t know. Hold me. Point is, I just put my head down, closed my eyes, and said there’s no place like home four times. They didn’t disappear though. F*cking bad magic.

Back to the lecture at hand. While I understand why you’d be leery of a group of 20- to early-30 somethings going on a trip to say, Vegas, Brazil, or the grocery store, I think by age 65 you’ve earned the right to go to some city with your old ass homies and basically do what women do, sit around and talk about how you used to have it. They ain’t going to Vegas…they’re going to AC. Have you been to AC? It’s where dreams go to die. This is a “we’re on our last legs” and the pictures are going to start missing people trips. So yes, maybe men’s and women’s trips are different when we’re young…but explain to me why a 65-year-old man’s wife is gonna stop him possibly taking one last trip where his heart rate might get some exercise?

Champ: As we talked about yesterday, it would be in Black America’s best interest to put a moratorium on all the gun violence, rapping about gun violence, loudly repeating raps about gun violence in front of White people, and killing random White people after bragging about wanting to shoot a random White person for at least a week or so. Maybe 10 days. For no other reason than the fact it’s making it increasingly harder for me to win internet arguments about George Zimmerman.

Considering the age angle, the wife’s refusal to let him go makes less sense. As spry as he may currently be, the only time he’s making it rain right now is after a prostate exam.

Perhaps the wife’s feelings are less about him potentially acting crazy and more about him, gasp, having fun without her. That—women not wanting their man to have too much fun unless they’re present—is something that seems to transcend age. Somewhere in America, there’s a seven year old girl on a playground pissed because a boy she held hands with yesterday is having too much fun playing kickball with his boys. She doesn’t know how to handle her anger, so she starts twerking.

PJ: You know, I’m inclined to agree that the wife probably just doesn’t want him having fun without her. Which I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest is the reason that the “mute” button was added to cell phones. The only person who would create something like that is a man just like the only person to think of something like a “mute this user” on Twitter is a woman. Only women are concerned with looking like they’re following somebody all the while totally not paying attention to their timelines for personal reasons.

Here’s my concern: If I’m 65 and my wife says that I can’t go…I’m inclined to think that I’d just go anyway. By this point, I would have lived and seen enough to take some damn agency over my own decisions and ain’t nobody gon’ tell me I can’t go hang out with the homeys. It just seems mean. Of course I’m talking big sh*t now. There’s probably a better than 90 percent chance that I’d just come up with an excuse about washing my hair for the weekend. Or my toupe or something. It’s just evil. Like I have no clue how much fun he has with his wife and I’m assuming its like totes balls to the wall, rock out with their cock out types of fun…but a homey trip at 65 where you KNOW your husband ain’t doing nothing but walking around looking like a right-after-mid-life-crisis seems like a cruel thing to take from him. She’s not nice. There, I said it. I didn’t even want to be rude. But she.is.not.nice!

Champ: Maybe the wife’s issue isn’t necessarily what he’s asking to do but the fact that he’s even asking to do it. Yes, he’s “earned” it and no, he’s probably not going to do anything to jeopardize the marriage, but I can imagine the wife thinking “Why the f*ck do you even need to go on an all boys trip at this point in your life? You, and Rufus, Titus, and Drake are too old for this sh*t.”

Perhaps all-boys/all-girls trips are there with getting tattoos, implants, and coming out the closet on the list of “things you’re too damn old to still be doing if you’re 65.”

PJ: I’m going to disagree with you there. I think the only thing you’re too old to still be doing at age 65 is eating atomic wings or things that will burn coming out of your ass when you take that trip to the bathroom. Everything else is fair game. I mean, are we to assume that if his wife wanted to take a prayer bus trip to Atlantic City anybody would have an issue with it? It would just be a bus full of old women with family reunion t-shirts, polyester belts, and sequins talking on a bus and partying it up in AC. I’d put money on the fact that she’d go. So I’m guessing that her husband just ain’t sh*t. He knows and she knows it. Either that or he’s a smooth cat. The type who would fall into some 50 year old stank just because that’s what he does. Maybe he’s just not sh*t.

Champ: That is a valid point. We’re getting the info from a third hand source, so perhaps the wife has a good reason to shut down the trip. Maybe he aint shit. Maybe he’s a diabetic who forgets to take his insulin regularly. Maybe he intentionally scheduled the trip at a time when the wife was expecting him to help her out with something. (I’ve definitely been known to pull the “I can’t help you now. I need to finish writing this” card when the Gay Reindeer has asked me to wash a dish or scratch her neck or something.) Maybe the wife is having an affair with one of the cats on the trip, and she doesn’t want them to bump into each other. We just don’t know.

I do know, though, that there definitely is a list of things you shouldn’t be doing when you’re past a certain age. Fortunately, all the stuff you can’t do as a 65 year old man is negated by the two things it’s socially acceptable for you to start doing at that age: be creepy and be an asshole.

Hmm. That considered, maybe the wife had a point after all.

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So you’ve seen our debate. What say you good people of VSB? Happy Friday!

-VSB