I Don’t Do Lines And Other Sh*t Women Don’t Do

"Man, this line is some bullsh*t. I wish I knew somebody..."

“Wait, there’s gonna be a line? I don’t do lines…”

That is an excerpt from a conversation I had this evening regarding tomorrow night’s Election Night Watch Party being hosted by various organizations (including VSB) in Washington, DC. But in truth, you can hear that refrain nearly every Friday and Saturday night and possibly some Sunday mornings – hey man, churches are turning into the club – across (Black) America. (I’m not sure how white America feels about clubs and lines, but since it seems that nobody even pays to get into white clubs I can imagine that standing in line for two minutes isn’t that big of a deal).

I’ve always found women’s aversion to lines to be somewhat comical. Obviously I get it. I hate lines too. Plus, it always seems like the VIPs laugh at you as they walk right into the club and past the medal detectors and invasive hands of large men who topped out in college. And somebody who’s transcended the ranks into one of those VIP who pretty much walks into whatever club he’s entering…I can confirm it, I do laugh. I also cry for Argentina, but shhhhhh…don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead.

But I find the aversion comical because I swear you’ll see a woman stand outside for 45 minutes attempting to bypass the line on principle alone (you know, because they don’t do lines) when in truth, standing in line would have taken all of 10 minutes. So it’s not the waiting that’s the problem. It’s the line. Women will hurry up and wait for all types of sh*t. And again, I don’t like lines either, but I respect order and realize that sometimes you have to stand in line to get the things you want. And you know what, it’s okay. It’s just a line. And yet, so many women I know – all seemingly of some sort of importance level though let’s be real, it definitely varies – just don’t do lines.

And of those women that don’t do lines, I’ll admit to never having seen most of them ever actually stand in one either. To be fair, I HAVE seen them stand outside waiting for somebody to let them walk into a club or venue for an extended period of time. Do with that what you will…but hey, they didn’t stand in a line! So this got me to thinking about other sh*t women won’t do…unless….

Wait. Wha?

Oh, yeah. See none of these women “do lines” but I’ll be they’ll be standing in line like a Kim Kardashian at a slave auction tomorrow to vote. Which, ya know, is a total copout.

Anyway, here are some other things women just don’t do…

1. Polyester

I know so many women who swear they don’t do polyester…while wearing it. Y’all know good and damn well those thongs y’all wear to the club you don’t stand in line for are flammable like a mug. I saw a woman go up in flames once because a dude lit a match on her rear. Damn shame too…she was almost to the end of the line. Terrible what they did that dog though.

2. Cats

Champ (and myself actually) may be the only admitted cat lovers, or at least tolerators, in Black America. But riddle me this Batman, why do so many women view cats as sinister bastions of pure evil. Ridiculous as it sounds, I’m not making that up. I can think of seven women off the top of my head (Lisa, Pamela, Angela, Sofia, Rose, and Blanche) who just do not f*ck with cats. They think they are living carrying cases for the evil spirits of Mumra and Imhotep.

3. Heineken

I’m not much of a beer drinker but I will have a Heineken on occasion. I cannot TELL you how judged I feel when I order a Heineken around women that read. I’ve been told to stop drinking that piss water and get me a real beer. Can’t lie, that hurt. But y’all don’t know WHY I drink them. A long time ago, I was drunk off my derriere. Well, the bartender – one of my homeboys, like Jesus – handed me a Heineken and I swear it took the edge completely off and quickly. I was amazed at the healing power of the Heiny. Anyway, when women see you drinking a Heineken, I’m thinking they’re judging.

4. Sappy men

Despite loving every sappy ass romantic comedy known to man. Women hate dudes who are emo, unless it’s their man who exhibits emo traits towards them. It’s the proverbial NIMBY except reversed so its more like OIMBY…which I’m pretty sure is a pun.  Which is reminiscent of…

5. Bad poetry

Despite loving Love Jones. Yeah I said it.

WHAT!?!?!?! OBAMA!?!?!?!? PANAMA !?!??!? WHY ARE WE HERE!??!?!?!?

Baron Zen for the win.

Anyway, what are other things that women don’t do, even though they totally do them? And what are things that men don’t do, even though we totally do them?