Things Men Have In Their Homes If They Have A Girlfriend

“Baby, I know I said you could bring your artwork to feel more comfortable. But that picture has to go. It gives me the beegees. And I hear it makes your balls fall off.”

There’s this popular misconception that until women come into our lives our homes are littered with mismatched furniture, magazines, no curtains, and the biggest television our paychecks will allow. Oh and that we don’t have dishes. We have dish. We have exactly one plate, one fork, one knife, one spoon, one machete, and a bunch of Solo cups and paper plates.

We eat Ramen noodles or steak with no vegetables and our refrigerators are filled to the brim with water and condiments. Don’t lie, your fridge is full of Chik-Fil-A BBQ and ketchup packs. Those Chik-Fil-A joints are ingenious. Sometimes I go to Chik-Fil-A just to get ketchup packets.

I AIN’T GOT NO WORRIES.

Well, the other popular misconception is that when men find good women, they clean us up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes and bring their keen decorative abilities and tidiness (ha!) and turn us into GQ Men of the Year. While that rarely ever happens – and a vast majority of you all’s idea of quality decoration means shopping at Ross and only Ross – many women do tend to alter the things that are in our homes. I know dudes who literally never bought a mattress until they got a girlfriend. Air mattress life. Swag.

Real ninja talkin. Shut the f*ck up. Ho.

So here are some things a man will have in house if he has a girlfriend and she spends a significant amount of time there or lives with him.

1. Candles

Chick dig wax. And I ain’t talking about Stax. #BARS But for some odd reason, women love introducing candles into a man’s apartment. Or house. Or trailer. If there’s a commitment, there’s a candle. Trust me. I do think that candles do bring ambiance into the equation, but if we are to assume that most mens home reeks of gym socks and ferrets, then a candle likely won’t make a bit of difference. Though I do appreciate a vanilla scented candle. In fact, I feel like dude start buying candles after they get women in their lives randomly.

2. Inspirational artwork

Women love them some inspirational artwork. I figured I could just type a bunch of inspirational shit using a tweegram with a typewriter font, print it out, and give it out to women as a Christmas gift. Stuff that you’d find in a fortune cookie or Joyce Meyer book. But since many women like inspiration, and many of us have art that leaves much to be desired – posters thumbtacked on the wall do suck – there’s a chance that there will be a framed picture of 50 words or less somewhere in his home.

3. Oddly named ice creams

Basically anything from the Ben & Jerry line. They’ve got some seriously odd named stuff over at B&J.

4. Real hangers

Many of us don’t make the switch from wire hangers to plastic or wood hangers until we…ever. But wire hangers are chick repellent. Like bad credit and Rush Cards.

5. A period kit

You know, the one with the heating pad, Advil/Motrin/Generic Pain Killer, some chocolate something or other, actual pads or tampons or whatever the chick riding the horse with Herpes wears. Basically, anything his girl has ever said she’s needed during her time of the month. Ever.

6. A framed picture of something

It’s likely to be a framed picture of her at some point. But chicks also seem to dig frames. And especially in the home of their boo. Or beau. or TROOOOOJAN MAAAAAAAAAN.

7. “Art”

Women like being comfortable. And one way in which women get comfortable is via the art in their homes that makes them feel like a piece of them exists in said space. That along with…

8. Blankets

When I visit women’s homes there are blankets everywhere. Apparently women get cold a lot. Most dudes don’t have blankets or pillows on couches. A chick will turn your dudecouch into a place to sleep and lay in comfort with a glass of wine and a book that will never get read.

That’ll do pig.

I think I’m making this a pseudo man-week. So what else will a guy have in his house if he has a girlfriend? Ladies, how’d you take over your man’s space (if you did)? Fellas, what happened to your space once you got a girl?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. L’OCCITANNE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3