Tag Archives: dear champ

Dear Champ (Vol. 4): “Is it possible sleep your way into a man’s heart?”

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Dear Champ: I’ve been casually dating this guy for a few months now, and I’m beginning to develop feelings for him. Ok. I’m lying. We haven’t been “dating” really, just having sex once a week or so. Yes. We are the dreaded f-buddies. Anyway, my feelings for him have grown, and I want to know if it’s possible sleep your way into a man’s heart?

This question recalls a pretty colorful conversation I had several years ago with a couple of high school kids. We were discussing the idea of college, and although they were both college-bound, they argued that a college degree wasn’t a prerequisite for success; citing the careers of people such as Bill Gates, Naomi Campbell, and Wiz Khalifa as prime examples. (Yes, I do realize that this was probably the only time in recorded history that Bill Gates, Naomi Campbell, and Wiz Khalifa were cited in the same argument. Thanks for asking.)

While I conceded that A) college isn’t for everybody (If it was, it would be free.), B) it’s quite possible to be successful without a college degree, and C) having a degree doesn’t ensure success, I told them to think of degrees in basketball terms. Basically, trying to make it without a degree is like shooting a j from half-court. Sure, there’s a chance that you’ll make it, but your odds increase the closer you get to the rim.

To continue the analogy, contested three pointer = college degree, wide open three pointer = master’s/professional degree, foul shot = PhD, and lay-up = being born into the Bush family.

Ok, what was my point? Oh yeah, the “sleeping into a man’s heart” thing.

Anyway, while it’s possible to sleep your way into a man’s heart, it’s also possible to make a half-court jumpshot while blindfolded, covered in honey, and running away from a gang of especially angsty warthogs. Also, for most guys, you’ll probably have to sleep together approximately 600 times before the “heart” thing becomes a consideration. Since you’re having sex once a week or so, at this rate, he’ll completely smitten by June of 2024.

My advice? The f-buddy relationship is an inherently doomed proposition that isn’t for the faint of heart, and it sounds like you need to end this arrangement before you end up busting the windows in his car.

Dear Champ: Why is it so difficult for people to understand the viewpoints of those that have experienced differently than them? After trying to drive my points home in the Nice Guys Finish Last blog, I have never felt so isolated and misunderstood in my life.

Because the idea of a black man having actual dating struggles is the complete antithesis of the prevailing idea that we’re all carefree mandingos with limitless romantic options, I understand why it’s difficult for some — and by “some” I mean “some black women” — to have any type of empathy or sympathy for a black “nice guy” finishing last, especially since their own dating acrimony has been widely publicized, scrutinized, and politicized.

It’s almost like a white guy complaining about racial discrimination and intimidation. Even if he’s completely justified in his claims, it’ll take him getting actually murdered by a clan of Hebrew Isrealities outside of The Gap before anyone actually says “You know what? I think he had a point.”

With that being said — and if you are who I suspect you are — there’s a way to give a viewpoint without being preachy, condescending, and antagonistic, and I’ve found that many “misunderstood” people haven’t quite grasped that. Because of that, what could have been empathy ends up being annoyance, and your words and feelings get lost in a self-defeatist haze of “I don’t want people to hear my story. I just want them to feel like sh*t for sh*tting on me.”

Dear Champ: Is there a way to tell if a man is packing heavy equipment or not?

He has a big tool belt? I don’t know. I mean, from my vantage point, it seems like women run the option gamut when trying to figure this out, using pretty much anything from “hand size” to “the way he drinks milk” as a concrete indicator of a guy’s equipment.

My personal favorite is their self-fulfilling “confidence” prophecy. Basically, if a confident guy is proven to be blessed, he’s genuinely confident because of his blessings. On the other hand, if a confident guy is proven to be, um, cursed, he’s overcompensating for his shortcomings.

Basically, everybody is wrong about everything, all of the time. (and by “everybody is” I mean “women are”)

Dear Champ: I’m a newly single, attractive 36 yr old woman with 3 children. I recently separated from my husband after 18 yrs of marriage. I’m not looking for a relationship now, but I’m interested in dating. How do I go about meeting handsome, nice, respectable, and available men?

A couple games into my freshman year, we played the University of Kentucky on our home court. This also happened to be one of the years that Kentucky won the national championship. Now, although we weren’t exactly slouches, we weren’t on Kentucky’s level, and it showed. We kept the game somewhat competitive in the first half, but their size and talent just proved to much for us to handle, and we ended up losing by 30 points.

Predictably, when we had our film session the next day, our coach was pretty upset with us. But, midway through the film session, he stopped the tape, hit the eject button and said “You know what, guys? I can’t bullsh*t you all anymore. That team has five guys that are going to play in the NBA, and they’ll probably win the national championship this year. You guys gave a great effort…but they’re just much, much better than us. There’s no shame in that.”

I’m telling this story because it would be a disservice for me to gas your head up with some pseudo inspirational “Just get back on the horse, and things will take care of itself” type of speech, ignoring the fact that your baggage — your martial situation (not yet divorced), relative inexperience with dating, and kids (I know kids aren’t supposed to be referred to as “baggage,” but in the dating sense they’ll be considered us such) — is probably going to make things difficult for you. This doesn’t mean that dating will be hopeless. There are available and worthy men out there, but you just might have to do a bit more work — online dating, attending events out of your usual comfort zone, etc. — to find them.

With that being said, I have two things I want to add

1. Wait until the divorce is final before you start thinking about getting back out there.

2. Wait until the divorce is final before you start thinking about getting back out there, and then wait another three months.

Half of your life has been spent being a wife and mother, and since it probably wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that this is how you’ve defined yourself, I’d advise you to take this time to learn a bit more about yourself. Travel if you’re able to. Get a few new hobbies. Hit the gym. Go back to school. But, don’t run out and try to fill your “void” with TNAN (The Next Available N*gga).

I’m also suggesting to wait a bit before you get back out there because I’m assuming that since you got married at such a young age, you probably didn’t experience the same opportunity to be young and carefree as most others. And, people in these types of “delayed youth” situations tend to act out –and act irresponsibility — when they finally get the opportunity to, something your responsibilities and (assumed) dating nativity don’t really allow you to do.

Relax and take a few deep breaths before you decide to get in the pool. The water can be quite cold, and I’d hate to see you drown because the shock wouldn’t allow you to swim.

*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—The Champ

Dear Champ (Vol. 3): Is my gaydar broken?

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Dear Champ: I am currently dating a man that I love very much, and who tells me all of the time that he loves me.  He treats me wonderfully.  Spoils me, actually.  If things keep progressing the way that they have been, I definitely would not be surprised to receive a ring from him, and I would definitely say “YES!”  Where’s my problem, you ask?  Well, my best friend, and a couple of family members think that he’s gay.  Their opinions are not based on any actual information, but just on his mannerisms.  The tough part is that I can see why they would believe this (if we were to only measure “gayness” by stereotypical characteristics, not by the actual “having sex with men-thing.”)  The situation is rough for me because I don’t want to completely offend him by asking the question, yet I feel like if I don’t ask and he actually IS gay, then I’ll be a big dummy!!  My heart tells me that he isn’t lying to me with regard to his feelings for me, but I just feel like this cloud of doubt may follow me around.  How does one ask this question without ruining the whole damned relationship??  Please help me. Is my gaydar broken?

One of my all-time favorite recurring characters on Saturday Night Live was Dana Carvey’s  “Lyle, The Effeminate Heterosexual”. Lyle, who seemed gayer than a Christmas tree, would act and speak in the most effeminate manner possible, but would get surprised and offended when others made the perfectly reasonable assumption that he was in fact gay. Although Lyle was only featured in two skits, the idea of the extremely feminine but completely straight man stuck with me so much that I still refer to straight men who don’t seem 100% straight as “Lyles“.

As far as what to do with your Lyle, I have to admit this is a tricky situation. On one hand, if his mannerisms are as noticeable as you say they are, it wouldn’t be a huge leap to assume he’s probably used to (and even anticipates) answering questions about his sexuality and he’ll take your queries in stride. At the same time, you stated he doesn’t do any gay things (by “gay things” I’m assuming you mean he doesn’t have sex with other men or listen to Pat Benatar albums), and you’ve been seriously dating this person long enough for your friends and family members to have met him. I can see how a man could be seriously offended that you’ve known him this long but still question a fundamental part of him and still don’t trust him. (and yes. If you suspect a man you’re considering marrying has been lying to you about his sexual orientation, you don’t trust him) Since you already don’t really trust him, would a “No, I’m not gay” answer alleviate any concerns?

My advice? Since his answer isn’t going to matter anyway, shit (and “shitting” in this case is getting past your trust issues and learning to overlook the fact that he might occasionally drink tea with his pinky up) or get off the pot (end the relationship).

Dear Champ: After dating him for 3 months, I asked if he’s seeing other people. He replied, “Of Course! But I enjoy your personality the best.” Should I stop seeing him?

No.

Dear Champ: Is there an interracial dating double standard? I know many black men who have or are open to dating white women but when asked if they would want their wives or girlfriends to have dated a white man they say hell no.

One of these days I’m going to compile a list of “Black people who I thought only existed in movies, until the internet proved otherwise“. When I do, “black men who date white women but are opposed to black women dating interracially” will be at the top, right above “the educated and successful black woman who only dates thugs“.

Anyway, idiots of all races and genders do and say stupid shit. They wouldn’t be idiots if they didn’t. While there may be some black men who believe in racial double standards, they’re idiots, and the opinions of idiots aren’t to be taken seriously. (unless they’re armed, of course)

Dear Champ: What’s a good sign that a guy is really interested early on? (only gone on one date thus far.)

Well, if he didn’t ask you to slip his number to your waitress at The Cheesecake Factory, that’s a good start.

Seriously, even though it’s very early, the sign that he’s really interested now is the exact same sign that he’s still really interested four months from now: He’s eager to spend more time with you. If he’s ardent in his need to see you again, he’s probably interested. If he’s not, he’s probably not.

Dear Champ: I’m old school and like to be pursued by men. I live in a city where women chase. Was told I should start approaching men. So I recently expressed interest to a friend and he said he’s interested but his actions and words are confusing.

This scenario is exactly why I advise women not to chase men. I know that isn’t the most popular (and modern) opinion, but when women approach, they drastically increase their odds of meeting, dating, sleeping with, and even being in relationships with men who are relatively lukewarm towards them. This is when close-bus syndrome usually occurs.

And, although you claim to live in “a city where women chase“, I doubt there are no men there who approach women, I doubt every (or any) woman there met her beau by trolling the clubs and streets like Mike The Situation, and I doubt you’d even want to be in a serious relationship with a man you had to chase.

My advice? Keeping going out, keep meeting people, stay positive, have fun (seriously!), and stay “old-school”.

*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—The Champ

Dear Champ (Vol 2): How do men really feel about women and their hair?

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If you were not aware, the new hair wave with black women is the desire and the act of going natural. Including myself. Since going natural, the way i’ve been treated and my interaction with the other gender has changed drastically. I won’t say whether good or bad. I will say that there has been a change overall in every aspect of my life….

So the question I pose is this: How do men really feel about women and their hair? The ‘Natural’ thing? Weaves? Relaxer? Braids? etc etc… Or does a real man even really care? I’m not sure if this is a topic you all have touched on already, but I am anxious to hear your thoughts.

There are two ways to answer this question, and because I’m feeling particularly magnanimous today, I’ve decided to share both.

The easy, Black Blog Tea Party appeasing answer: Stop trippin, sis. Whether it came from your own scalp or Shamika’s House of Indian Hair and Waffles, it’s your hair, and you can do whatever the hell you want to it. Don’t allow yourself to be so caught up with how men perceive you that you lose yourself in a minefield of archaic heteronormative expectation. Plus, real men, manly men, don’t give a damn about your hair, and those who do are just weak-minded and insecure agents for the on-going feminization of male culture. You think Malcolm gave a damn whether Betty wanted to rock cornrows? You think Barack would have stopped sweating Michelle if he happened to see a couple tracks?

The VerySmart answer: Hair matters, and men care about women’s hair. Generally speaking, men like “nice” hair, and nice could mean natural, weaves, relaxers, braids, or even baldys. But, how each man defines “nice” is determined by each individual man, and each of us have our own particular hair-related likes and dislikes. (Personally, I tend to be drawn to women with “safe” and relatively low-maintenance hairstyles, and I’m usually not a big fan of a ton of hair)

And while there is no “right” or wrong “hairstyle”, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say there might possibly be a right or wrong hairstyle to attract the type of man you’re interested in. As stated in “How Your Look Affects Your Luck”, we’re usually attracted to certain “types” of women, and way a woman wears her hair makes a difference in how she’s initially regarded because many of us associate certain do’s with certain personalities.

Also, from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, some head shapes and facial structures just don’t go with certain hairstyles, and I’ve seen women make the mistake of assuming that a guy wasn’t into a particular hairstyle when the truth was that he just wasn’t into that particular hairstyle on her. This is true for men and women though. For instance, I’d never shave my head because I just don’t have the head shape to rock a baldy without perpetual ridicule, and I’d look distinctly different (and quite rhesus monkey-ish) without my beard and mustache as well.

When beginning to date, is it better to let a dude know that he is in competition with others or make him think he is the only one (without lying, of course)?

This is tricky. You probably don’t want to just come out and say “You know, I just found out last night that there really is room for two in the men’s stalls at The Cheesecake Factory” in mid-date discussion, but you also don’t want to give him the impression that he’s the damn fool on the date with the chick nobody wants.

The best way to handle this is to let him think you might have other suitors without actually saying it or even implying it. Don’t bring it up, but if he asks about your Saturday plans and you already have a date with another man that Saturday, just tell him you’re “busy”. If he presses, remind him he’s new and that your business is none of his.

CHAMP had sex with a guy, not thinking much of it, but now I WANT MORE AND MORE. . Is there any chance of a relationship AND THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WITH A BLACK MAN I AM WHITE FEMALE.I REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT, BUT I FEEL I AM COMEN ON TO STRONG .

If this email is any indication of how strong you might be coming on, even the zombies in 28 Days Later would tell you to slow down a bit.

I’m tired of meeting a guy, giving him my number, and he text messages me. No phone calls just texts! Or if we have a great first date and then all he does is text message me after that. What’s up with that?

If you would have asked this question a couple years ago, I probably would have said something about how this lack of social decorum is a sign that he’s either too immature to be taken seriously and/or that he obviously doesn’t respect or value you enough to continue dating him.

Although this still might be true, I’ve come to realize that the text message has completely overtaken the telephone as the main form of communication for many people. And, while I do think it’s a bit odd to text a woman you’ve just met instead of calling her, the vast majority of these people text out of habit and convenience, not rudeness or disinterest. What long-term effect this will have on our culture remains to be seen, but if it’s really an issue for you, send him one reply stating that you’d prefer to actually hear his voice instead of the new text message alert. If he still refuses to call, then, well, you have your answer.

Champ when my girl catches the big one, she starts crying which totally freaks me out and turns me off. What should I do? Should I hold back?

Take your girl to church this Sunday. While you’re there, steal a Bible. After you get back home, take the Bible in the bedroom by yourself, and get down on your knees to thank God for placing this woman in your life. Repeat this process everyday for the next 35 years (give or take a decade or so)

If this doesn’t work, send two high-definition pictures of your girl and her email address to contact@verysmarbrothas.com so I can auction off her contact info. I’m thinking about buying a new car, and the money I’ll make from this should probably cover the down payment.

*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—The Champ

dear champ: my boyfriend has a small penis. what should i do?

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***Today, VerySmartBrothas.com would like to introduce “Dear Champ“, a new bi-monthly segment where The Champ posts and answers questions from his Formspring account***

Dear Champ, How do I know if I’m really as attractive as people say I am?

as we proved with “the test” (and the results), physical attraction is a completely arbitrary determination. there are very few people (boris kodjoe, stacey dash, elastigirl, etc) who’d get a unanimous attractive consensus, so the rest of us need to interpret a complex algorithm of context, culture, aggregate sexual status of people who’ve said we’re attractive, and aggregate level of intoxication of people who’ve said we’re attractive to figure our own rating. with that said, if strangers consistently go out of their way to compliment your looks, you’re probably at the higher end of the attractive scale.

but, because you’ll probably never get a truly context-less assessment, if still dead-set on receiving a relatively objective opinion (and if you’re extremely thick-skinned), i’d submit a picture to a website like hotornot or okcupid.

Dear Champ, I have been talking to this guy for almost four months. We’re mostly honest with each other and we treat each like bf and gf. Only he says he isn’t ready for a gf. Should i wait on him for a lil bit or step?

i love how you put “we’re mostly honest with each other” in there, like you’ve made a pre-relationship pact with each other that allows for 1 to 3 hours of dishonesty per day. saying you’re “mostly” honest is like saying you’re “almost” pregnant.

anyway, like sister t wrote a few days ago, if you want to be in a relationship, and the guy you’re playing the “kickin it” game with tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship, listen to him.

Dear Champ, my boyfriend of 1.5 yrs has, in relation to my past partners, a small penis. I’m left unfulfilled most of the time, even after vocalizing my likes and qualms…still blah. Here’s the issue. I love him. What to do? ditch it or work harder??

it’s interesting how this letter is worded. she doesn’t exactly say that her boyfriend has a small penis, just that he hasn’t been able to follow the footsteps of her mandingo exes. there’s a reason why “thou shall not try to directly follow the footer” is one of the 8 unspoken sexual commandments.

stumped for an answer, i asked my good friend, uber-popular video blogger lydia cotton, to weigh in.

“If the sex doesn’t have you thinking about what an ex is doing, stay. But, if he is drowning upon entry and is literally getting lost inside, have him kick rocks in traffic. When sex is bad in a relationship it will become at least 80% of that relationship, and all the good he does will start to look like nothing when you have a bad day at work and have to come home to a man who isn’t capable of knocking that bad day from your memory with his non-magic stick”

Dear Champ, I’ve been noticing that my hubby is more likely to initiate sex more when I am half sleep vs when I’m wide awake, willing & waiting. Any thoughts? My libido is way higher than his & I have NEVER EVER turned him down.

so, basically your typical evening looks like this: he’s sitting on the couch watching “hawthorne” reruns, and you come out of the bedroom in your sexiest lingerie and give him a lapdance. he barely notices, and he gets up halfway through your routine to go make a cheese sandwich. sad and horny, you go to bed. three hours later, you feel him rubbing ky in between your legs, and he sneak attacks you from behind.

seriously though, although low-libidoed men do exist, i think there might be a deeper issue here. have you spoken to him about sex? i bet you haven’t, and i also bet the bedroom isn’t the only place you’re having communication issues. you two need to talk as soon as possible.

Dear Champ, Why do men yell at me in the street like “Hey sexy!” or try to hit on me when I’m just waiting for a damn bus? Even after they see my wedding rings?! Does it ever work? Have any VSBs done it? Have any VSSs responded positively?

(some) men do this for the same reason we do anything else: it doesn’t take much effort, and it (occasionally) works. like it or not, these types of approaches actually do work with some women (i’ve seen it with my own eyes), and a man doesn’t know if you’ll be that woman unless he tries.

also, you probably won’t believe this, but the vast majority of men who do this on a regular basis do it out of habit. it’s a sort of a neanderthal reflex action. they know you’re not going to respond to them. in fact, they’d probably sh*t their pants if you actually turned around and approached them. it’s like the guy at the basketball game who screams “kobe, you’re a bitch”, even though they know if kobe actually turned around and came into the stands after them, they’d scream like neve campbell.

Dear Champ, What does a shy girl have to do to get the guy? My long-time friends know me as an outgoing, funny person but I have a hard time opening up to people I just met. I also don’t like crowds or traveling in “groups” so I don’t get out much. Any suggestions?

first, you have to get out. unless you’re interested in UPS men and stalkers, you’re not going to meet any men while you’re sitting on your couch. you’d put up a yard sign and an ad if you were trying to sell your house, right?

once you leave the house, i’d suggest you and ONE (yes, just one) of your girlfriends attend a few happy hours, mixers, gallery crawls, and other events where you have an opportunity to meet new people without getting too far out of your element. but, when you attend these events, you can’t sit around the entire time whispering in your friends ear. mingle and mix with the crowd. guys like to approach women who look like they’re having a good time, so have a good time.

lastly, i’d create a dating profile at match.com or one of the hundreds of thousands of dating sites out there. this way, you can actually meet men while sitting on your couch. but, i’d make sure they had current FBI clearances before inviting them over.

Dear Champ, Is smoking a deal breaker for most guys? I hate that I have to try and hide it everytime I meet someone new.

definite red flag? yes. definite deal-breaker? probably not…if he thinks you’re hot. my advice? quit

Dear Champ, Greetings and Salutations! How does a VSS break it to a VSB that she has a weave? I’m not on some Chris Rock ish and I hope you aren’t either. Sphincter. But, how does one introduce that truth (especially when one’s weave isn’t obvious)?

i have an absolutely crazy idea that just might be crazy enough to actually work. the next time you see him, tell him that you have a weave.

Dear Champ, What does it really mean when a guy says “you’re out of my league.” I often hear that from men, but I’m starting to feel like maybe guys just don’t want to do the work of approaching me or seducing me.

if a guy is speaking to you, he probably doesn’ t feel like he’s out of your league. the men who truly feel that way won’t bother to say anything to you.

whats happening here is game, pure and simple. he’s being intentionally self-depreciating just to try to convince you to say “hey, you’re not out of my league at all. in fact, to prove how true this statement is, here’s my phone number. btw, i’m not wearing any panties”

*you can contact dear champ at formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—the champ