Tag Archives: deal-breakers

Thursday Amusement: If You Don’t Know Me By Now.

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We’re doing Thursday Amusement because Friday Fun is going to be insane tomorrow.  Kno’ dat.  I’ve been sitting on this idea for a good two weeks now.  The people will speak tomorrow!

There’s no reason for you to know this about me but I’m a huge University of Michigan fan. I remember getting shots at the Uof M hospital and they used to give me Snoopy band-aids afterwards.  I always wanted to go there for school and seriously contemplated going their for undergrad and later on down the line grad school.  I never made it to Michigan (not that I have any regrets, I am a very smart brotha after all, my alma mater will whip your alma mater’s a** 8 days a week, pal) but that doesn’t change the fact that…

…I could NEVER date a woman who went to or loved The Ohio State University.  What kind of pretentious f*ck school actually calls itself “The” and capitalizes the sh*t?

I mean seriously.

I know its kind of stupid, but it is what it is.  That rivalry is well recognized in the sporting world by all parties involved and basically f*ck Ohio State.

(Just to prove how insane my allegiance is to UofM, I dated a chick from Howard once, and they’re like Morehouse’s b*tch rival or something…except they’re not because they’re, ya know, Howard and we’re like, Morehouse.  Howard’s still cool though; they got a real bangin’ clock tower and everything!)

I have a cousin who goes to Michigan State right now and I’m conflicted about her decisions and the possible choices she may make in life, by the way.  I’ve expressed this concern to her.

Anywho, that got me to thinking about some quirky deal breakers.  I remember when we had our little tete-a-tete about dealbreakers, everybody listed things that they just couldn’t deal with, but really, those were quite sensical.  Somehow, “sensical” isn’t showing up as a real word, despite “nonsensical” being a word.  I’m truly perplexed by this.

Here is a list of other things that I know off top that are slightly-left-of-center as dealbreakers:

-    If a chick told me Halle Berry wasn’t pretty, I’d have to let her go.  Why?  Because she’s clearly blind and my vision’s already bad enough.  We’d f*ck around and make a baby that’d need LASIK before it was actually birthed.  Dump.Ed.
-    If a chick didn’t like Hurly Burly Coming To America, well, Loc’em And Smoke’em.  As perfect as this movie is, any woman who didn’t like this movie clearly hates being Black.  And I can’t date clear women.  For one, I’d have to throw water on her just to see her on some Hollow Man ish.  And that just seems like too much work to do on the regular.  Plus, she’d mess up my couch.  It may be IKEA, but it wasn’t cheap.  AND I put it together myself.
-    I SERIOUSLY wouldn’t even consider dating a chick who threw a piss fit about going to McDonalds TGIFridays.  I love that place.  I’m not even sure why but I do.  It’s fine American dining at a reasonable price.  Plus it has the word Friday in its title and who doesn’t love Fridays?  I ask you, who?
-    No love for Donny Hathaway?  Well you might as well one hug yourself darlin’, because upon hearing that, you’re outta there like the Chicago Cubs.

These are definitely quirky deal breakers for me.  They may seem petty to some degree, however, I just can’t comprehend some things in life.  Forget politics, if you are on some Ohio State sh*t, you got to go.

So toss your dealbreakers people, we’ve been there and done that.  What are those things pacifically specific to you that may not make sense to anybody else that would cause you to have to chuck the knucklehead, even if you seen him yesterday and he was cool?  (Name that Artist/song/album?)

And be honest; if you couldn’t date a man who wore speedos socks or a woman who only wore chaps granny panties, its okay, we won’t judge.

(Actually I will promise I won’t.)

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MACHOSANCHIL

PS Beyonce’s new single “If I Were A Boy” (tagged) is that hot fiyah – Dylan style!  I love that doggone song.  It’s great.  I don’t like “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” as much, but hey, to each his own. And coincidentally, Christina Milian’s new song “Us Against The World” is that dopeness too.  No, for real!  I love pop music and pop music never had it so good.  “Together Forever” anyone?  You should check these songs out if you get the opportunity!  Eff it, I’m including the download links.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Bamboo Earrings, At Least Two Pair

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Now last Friday, The Champ and I decided to open the floodgates and ask people what their dealbreakers were. Well I’ll be damned if nearly every possible dealbreaker wasn’t covered. Apparently, people know exactly what they don’t want in life.

That got us thinking though, what are the things we do want in a mate (or one night jumpoff that we mistakenly thought could be a mate)? Realize that we here at Very Smart Brothas, Inc. believe in not only highlighting the negatives, we also want you to share smiles and spread joy like Vanessa Del Rio.

You might not realize it, but that’s both a pun AND a double entendre.

See? Very. Smart. Brotha.

So without further adieu…

Panama’s Short (and soon to be expanded) List of Thangs He Like:

1) Nice hips – I don’t know what it is about a woman with finely shaped hips but ooooh I just wanna lay in her hair.

2) Smilers – I love me a woman with a pleasant disposition who keeps smiling. In any event, it’s better than evil smurfs who always rock a scowl. If my only two choices in life are a woman with a scowl and a hyena? Well, I’m going for Whoopi Goldberg everytime…at least she smiles.

3) Goofballs - Nothing is funner than a chick with a goofy side. Granted, it’s often amazing when you find out that your girl is a total doof, but there’s a certain cuteness and innocence in goofy chicks that’s way better than chicks who’ve spent years on Riker’s Island.

Okay, that’s a lie.

4) Chicks that can sing – And I don’t mean women that DO sing…as in, they open their mouths and unleash the fury. I mean women who can actually hold simultaneous notes that sound like they were supposed to be created. Simply stated, women who can’t sing but try to sing and suck are the devil and should be thrashed wtih some Nike shoelaces.

5) Teeth – Well, duh. Though I’ve heard that a toothless woman can, ya know, whistle good.

THE CHAMP’S (short) LIST:

glasses: maybe I’m completely nuts. maybe my peculiar fetish is concrete proof of me being completely and utterly narcissistic. maybe the young champ shouldn’t have put his glasses on to get a better view of the screen when first “discovering” emmanuale in space on cinemax (who knew aliens were so damn friendly?) who knows? all I know is that in all honestly, rocking the right pair of lenses can give a woman as much as a TWO point jump in my mental rating scale. Yes. TWO. TWO freakin points!!! Do you realize how much of a difference two points makes???

we’ve all heard of beer goggles, but I think I might actually have the first documented case of glasses goggles

the ability to make me laugh as well as the ability to laugh at herself:

super serious chicks need not apply.

and, i don’t know if this belongs in a list such as this, but i’d be remiss if i didnt find a way to mention how excited the “little” champ gets when he sees…

…a woman quietly laughing to themselves while reading a book:

*i won’t expound further because it’ll make me too aroused excited, but i will say that between this and the glasses fetish it’s safe to assume that i’m somewhat of a nerd. i’ve actually made peace with this fact, and i’ve decided to move on.*

***btw, ladies…i hope you all noticed that, despite our somewhat short lists, we both placed a premium on stuff deriving from happiness (“laughing”, “smiling”, and “goofiness”). take that information and make whatever conclusion you want***

***************

What are the things that draw you in every time???? Won’t you be…won’t you be…won’t you be our neighbor?

i’m going to ask you to leave

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***as a service brought to you by verysmartbrothas.com, the brothas have decided to list their “unique” deal-breakers when it comes to the opposite sex, and would like for you all to do the same. note, these aren’t you garden variety “i can’t stand women with bad hygiene and goatees” types of pet-peeves that basically everyone shares, but quirky shit thats unique to you***

panama’s list

1. Women who only listen to one genre of music – If you’re entire catalog consists of “neo-soul”, Cash Money Records, or smooth jazz a la Kenny G, well you can count me out like New Edition. And while you’re counting, go on ahead and light yourself on fire.

2. To piggyback on the first one, women who only have 10 CD’s period - You clearly don’t care about music which means you have no soul. And if you have no soul that makes you Elvis. And I do not like Elvis. So….first, open up the medicine cabinet. Next, open the Ibuprofen. Then, OD on pills and finally, die smurf die.

3. Women who think fine reading includes Zane or Eric Jerome Dickey – Yeah, so…no.

4. For that matter, women who don’t own books – Unintentional ignorance is as much an STD as HIV. Much like that phat badunkudonk you’re carrying around, I’ll assume your lack of intellectual prowess came from your mama because daddy didn’t hit it right. Basically, I want nothing to do with you or your tainted ignorant smurfin’ gene pool.

5. Women who think Love Jones is the best Black movie ever – Mostly because it isn’t.

the champ’s list

1. smokers

(I tried dating a couple smokers before, but even going down on them has a bit of a cigarettey residue. it almost makes you wish that you were at a restaurant, so you could get a refund… )

“ummm, excuse me waiter, but I didn’t order this ashy-ass smoked saltfish. please send it back immediately”

2. women who don’t appreciate the value of a good comedy. i honestly feel that it’s a sign of a serious emotional defect if you ask someone to name their 15 favorite movies, and the list is comedy-less. for whatever reason, these types of women also usually have excessively hairy feet. i dont know what any of this means.

3. women who make annoying food choices (ie, eating pancakes without syrup)

4. women who (even in passing) mention an attraction to someone who I’ve deemed “unredeemable” in my head. (ie. jones, jim or owens, terrell)