Nothing irks me more than somebody passing off incorrect knowledge as a matter-of-fact truth. (Wait, that’s a lie. Sports teams from Boston, T-Mobile’s customer care and women who sound like Remy Ma irk me a bit more, but that’s besides the point)

This practice is especially prevalent when speaking about relationships, where many people swear by opinions and theories that are more idiotic than deshawn stevenson.

nowhere else is this more evident than the “fact” that men are typically willy-nilly in regards to dating; seeing and juggling multiple chicks without a concern or care in the world….a fact which couldn’t be further from the truth. we ALWAYS date with a concern, or, better yet, expectations, while in fact…

…women are actually the ones who will date without expectations. it’s women that’ll go out with someone, happy to get a free meal and a couple mojitos in preparation for the f-buddy coming over later, immediately after her “no-expectations” date….sometimes even having the date unknowingly drop them off at the f-buddy’s house!

ladies, don’t bother denying this because i know personally that this occurs. i’ve been that f-buddy, and, admittedly, i might have been at the other end of the equation as well. this scenario, which i’ve coined TCSE (the coldest shoulder ever) is quite possibly the cruelest accepted dating practice known to man, concrete proof that all women are direct descendants of dick cheney.

On the other hand, men don’t date unless we have some type of expectation. We don’t go on “dates” just to chill because we’re bored, or just because it’s nice out and we want to turn off our ac for a couple hours cause the electric bill was too high last month, or just to model the new ken cole boots we bought last weekend with the saved ac money, for two reasons:

1. typically, we’re the one’s doing the initial approach, which basically meant that we already imagined you eating salty cucumbers while sitting bucket-naked on a furry stool had some sort of romantic expectation for you before we even knew what the hell your name was

2. money. because we’re the ones generally footing the bill (which, as p remarked yesterday, could easily crawl into the $200 range in one simple night) we have to be extremely discerning in regards to who we decide to spend money on. we’re not spending the equivalent of our cable bill in one night just to “enjoy her company“, when we could have just as easily spent that money on the bootytalk box set on a pair of j’s and the scorsese collection

Now, admittedly, our expectations are limited. Every woman that we go out of our way to invite and go out with is placed in one of two categories.

Category One: Maybe I can settle down with this woman.

Category Two: Maybe I can settle down with this woman…tonight, preferably in a bed somewhere, although the back of my truck will do for now.

That’s it.

If a woman doesn’t fit into either of these categories for us, then we’re not dating her. Ladies, on every date you’ve ever been on and will ever be on, you’ll be sitting across the table from someone trying to decide if they want to wife you or just bed you. Even if a guy seems to be “going through the motions“, he’s sitting across from you thinking “Maybe I’ll get lucky and get some tonight from whateverthehellhernameis, even with my half-assed effort“.

now please excuse me while i go watch “the departed” for the sixteenth time. yeah, i know. 16 might sound a bit excessive…but at least i know exactly what to expect

—the champ