How To Avoid The Stevie Js Of The World

[I just heard that news that Chris Kelly from Kriss Kross died. RIP homey. Jump.]

If you see this man ladies, run. Run like the wind. Run like your life depended on it.

If you see this man ladies, run. Run like the wind. Run like your life depended on it.

I consider myself to be somewhat of a Black pop culture maven (BPCM). I’m not even sure what maven means, but I do know I used it properly in that sentence. I also know somebody named Mavis. No staple.

Well being the BPCM that I am, I spend an inordinate amount of time watching shows that Black Twitter watches. This includes all of the shows in the Ratchet Roundup (Love & Hip-Hop, Basketball Chicks, Real Live In Girlfriends, Say No To That Girlfriend, Pull Over That Ass To Phat, etc). Surprisingly, I do not watch Scandal and have only seen a few episodes in their entirety. I can’t reconcile this with my ratchetry except to point out that I f*cking rock and if you know like I know, you don’t want to step to this. It’s the PJ era, funked out with a gangsta twist.

For those who haven’t seen LHH:ATL, I can’t decide if I feel like you’ve made all the right choices in life or if you’ve missed the boat. Maybe you’ve done both. “Maybe” was a good song. But either way, if you haven’t seen it, one of the central characters is Stevie J aka Sleazy J of Hitmen (Bad Boy) fame. He produced “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” for Biggie and several other huge (seriously huge) hits for Bad Boy. He and his on-again-off-again girlfriend Mimi have a daughter together. He also has a relationship with a Dominican chick named Josaline Hernandez who most people would have sworn was a man in the beginning of the first series.

But this isn’t a show recap. And this ain’t funny so don’t you dare laugh, but Stevie J might be THE worst kind of man out there on the planet. When women are talking about men that are terrible, they’re talking about men like Stevie J. He’s stereotypically all of the worst facets of manhood (short of his parenting, I have no idea what kind of father he is…by all accounts Mimi has nothing negative to say about his involvement and love for his daughter): he’s a liar, he’s a cheater, he’s the ultimate opportunist, he’s selfish, he’s condescending, he’s emotional, he’s conniving, he makes rat faces, he literally just watches as the ship sinks then gets off as it heads towards the bottom for another ship while the other patrons die. He’s the kind of man that every man with a daughter will encourage her to avoid.

Only because we see Stevie J weekly can most people (read: women) say they’d never date a man like him. But people like him are extremely personable and they tug at women’s heart strings. They come through with gifts. They’re all about the short con and see everything solely through their own eyes.

You know something is wrong when Benzino of Made Men and Almight RSO fame is the voice of reason. Yes, Benzino, is on television spitting realness and truth to Stevie telling him that he needs to change his ways and stop being so selfish. But that’s what it all comes down to. Stevie J is the most selfish man on the planet. He’s so selfish that even men don’t f*ck with him. Do you know how selfish you have to be to make another man stop f*cking with you?

So here are some tips to avoiding men like Stevie J and saving yourself the most severe and painful heartache EVER:

1. If a man ALWAYS sounds like he’s trying to game you, then he probably is…

If I thought Stevie J owned any books, I’d believe he’s spent as much time reading up on game as Obsidian. Everything Stevie says sounds like he’s conning you and giving you half the story. EVERYTHING.

2. Once you feel like a man is trying to game you, be prepared to be taken for all of the emotional capital you have to give…

You know what sucks about bad love? It’s exhausting. It drains your soul and your spirit. Ladies, men will drain you for everything you have and test your entire mettle so that you can see what kind of woman you really are. I have a lot of sisters. A lot. I’ve seen them go through so many levels of Tyler Perry’s hell its almost made me cry (and get a gun). However, they’ve all risen like Maya Angelou in an elevator. But they did lose in the process. A lot of winning involves loss. Remember that. And all loss ain’t just sacrifice. Stevie will take your cookies then expect you to make more so he can take those too.

3. Read the signs. A man’s face will tell you a whole hell of a lot.

I think 99 percent of women are crazy. I truly do. But only 50 percent of that crazy results in actions that are possibly illegal. But a man who has hit his crazy level, that is some scary sh*t. Some men can’t take it when they don’t get their way. It burns because their life is built around controlling everybody like pawns. Entire subgenres of Black movies are built around this premise. Men who snap because their will is not done. God complex having ninjas will tow that line on occasion. God is the giver of life and free will. A man who feels this way will attempt to prove to you he has those abilities.

4. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times…you’re in it forever.

Learn when to cut your losses. This really goes for men and women. But people who can’t seem to do right no matter how many chances and who continue to improve on their f*cktasticness, well, learn the lesson. Let them go. If it doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine then it doesn’t take the end of your life to realize that you’re dealing with some bullsh*t. Learn to move on.

So what are other ways to notice that a woman (or a man for that matter) is dating Stevie J? Help the people out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. NOT STEVIE J aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

5 Things Women Do That Men Just Don’t Do

I dare you to shoot me! I dare you!

I’m not going to say that all women are insane.

I’m not going to say it.

I will, however, say that I’ve seen some women do some pretty insane things that only women would do. Yes, that’s what I’ll say. From seriously dating Mike Tyson to buying up billboard ad space to call out your cheating husband, women are usually more inclined to do things that most men would think of as totally irrational and devoid of clear thought. Now this is not all women (for all of you out there who are going to IMMEDIATELY go the, “men do stupid stuff route”). And yes, I know men do stupid stuff, though its usually to impress a woman.

Anyway, I see you wondering what kind of things I’m talking about. Good. You’re on candid camera. Continue reading