If gangstas don’t dance - they boogie – then it’s time for the percolator. And if that made any sense to you whatseover, welcome to the terrordome.
With that said, I’m here to tell you (mostly) ladies out there that all the time you spend on dates attempting to find out if you should waste the next two years of your life dating a man can be avoided with one simple, and possibly short, daliance: take him to the dance floor. I’d say that the same holds true for men but the truth is, there are A LOT of non-dancing ass wack dancing women out there. It actually baffles how many women have very little rhythm. It’s almost offensive really. I would blame the heels but the truth is, reading black women spend so much time developing their oratory skills (PUN) that they forget to have fun at the club.
You can’t just look cute. Sometimes you have to put in work.
To my point. Target.
One of the most important parts of relationshipping is chemistry. You can force it for a while, but chemistry never lies. One of the best ways to test chemistry is to dance together. Let your bodies intertwine and make sauce. Saucy. There are all kinds of things you can tell about the potential suitor merely from swaying to some swaggalicious swan songs. That’s super.
Such as?
Thought you’d never ask.
1) Ability to dance
Yeah, it’s obvious but do you know how much it sucks to be dating somebody who cannot dance a lick. And I’m not talking ballroom dancing. I’m talking the kind of dancing that requires the ability to catch a groove with somebody and merely two step back and forth…on time. And oh yes, hang that sign up on the door. Don’t disturb this groove. No coordination means that when it comes time to do le do, somebody’s going to need an iambic pentameter. That’s no bueno.
2) Rhythm
In life, we kind of expect people to be able to move in some sort of rhythmic motion. Apparently this is a retarded expectation. Dancing brings it all to the forefront. And you know that if a dude has no rhythm on a dancefloor, well, you remember Anne-Marie Johnson in Strictly Business? Yeah, you will become her. Real talk, NOBODY wants to date anybody they have to give directions to. Unless of course your directions are for him to put it on your forehead. Heh heh heh.
3) Hands
When you are dancing all close and got sweat dripping all oveeeeer yo’booooooody, you’ll be able to know if a man knows what to do with his hands by the way he “feels you up”. Of course he shouldn’t be Google mapping your boobs with his hands and then landing but there’s a certain sensuality that can be achieved with just hands alone. A well placed hip-check and mid-section touch can send a chick into euphoria. Or to the bar to get her boy, Black, for touching you too much. But if you and Lawnquishagrassawnya are really vibing, she might give you that good grindage.
4) Handleage
Some women, particularly West Indian women really give it to you on the dance floor. It aint’ for the lightweights, faint of heart, or those with bad backs. If a dude can’t handle what you’re giving him on the dance floor, how the f*ck is he supposed to handle it at home. He’ll find a way to keep backing up and regaining his feet and he’ll carry that into your personal finances. What’s the connection? I have no idea. But you’re still reading anyway.
5) Commitment
If a dude is REALLY vibing with you, he’s going to ride that puppy out until YOU decide you’re done and ready to exchange information. Also, after you all take a break, he will probably still want to talk to you and find out more. Yes, a solid dance can be that crucial. A ninja that ain’t worth two nickels will roll out no matter HOW good the vibe is and hi-five you while he goes to talk to a chick that looks better than you.
And why is Ebony Jackson so doggone perfect?!
Anyway, ladies, do you think dancing can give you any indication about a man? Fellas, what can you tell about a chick that can dance? Or can’t?
Love. Love. Love.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
Club banger. noun. from the Latin for clubbus bangerustosticus. 1) a song that will cause every one within earshot to go into momentary paralysis as they realize (and often times proclaim) “that’s my song (or sh*t)” and begin to gyrate in gyratious gyratastics. 2) songs that DJ keeps in arsenal for when the people aren’t seeming so into the mix he’s playing. 3) songs that inevitably require everybody to smile and like each other for at least 1 minute as people search out individuals to dance with.