One day I was at my favorite local eatery (you can’t be a uppity negro unless you have something like a “local eatery”) and I saw this rather jolly old white cat who was clearly from Ohio standing there ordering a sandwich with things on it that I’d never order.

Wait, how do  I know he was from Ohio?

Glad you asked.

You see, this particular jolly old fellow was wearing an Ohio State sweater, a Cleveland Cavaliers hat, and a coat that advertised for something called a Cleveland Brown.  As I watched this old feller stand there looking like a walking billboard for the grand state of Ohio, I thought to myself, “I hope I never EVER put on this much sh*t as a tourist to let people know that I’m from XXXX.”

But that did get me to thinking about old age and the fact that there are certain things that I hope I don’t do when I get old.  Coupled with the conversation we had here the other day on our fears, and voila, I, the most Jackson of the Panamas, have come up with a list of things I hope I don’t do when I get old.

1)  Dress like our friend the jolly old state billboard

For real, for real, I’m afraid about this one.  Currently, I walk around with Morehouse shirts on left and right like I just graduated and I support the dress code.  Then again, I do look forward to the day when I can free ball and rock an ATL tshirt with some cotton Hanes t-shirts that say Bankhead.  Either way, I’m scared for this shit.

2)  Wear track suits 6 days a week

My dad has more track suits than I can shake a stick at.  Which must be a lot because I can shake a stick with the best of them.  And yes, it is a lot.  For some reason, track suits are the standard attire of Italian mobsters and older Black people.  My mother even has some.  Point blank, I really hope I never discover how comfortable they are because I’m only 30 and it would suck to start wearing them now.

And speaking of wearing bad stuff…

3)  Wearing short shorts, dress socks, and a wife-beater

I’ve done seent this with my own eyes and I hope it never comes to pass I decide, “you know what, this is comfortable, let me go to the CVS like this.”  It’s possible, and I can see how it can happen.  I’m just afraid for this to become a permanent staple of my haberdashery.

4)  Become a dirty old man

Okay, I’m lying.  I’m looking forward to be a dirty old man but I don’t think you can actually say that out-loud amongst mixed company, Jewish people, and llamas.

5)  Start getting offended at the youngsters

This one is kind of already happening.  I can’t tell you how many days a week (7) that I see some youngster whose ass I want to beat just for breathing ignorantly.  They’re all either loud, obnoxious, or just damn ignant.  Just like I was.  So maybe this one is a wrap.

6)  Be mad at club-isms

Follow me on this one.  Recently in Atlanta for a homecoming festivity, we were at a lounge that was playing music and everybody could hear one another.  THEN all of a sudden, the DJ cranked up the sound much to chagrin and offense of everybody at my table.  We were genuinely disturbed that they’d turn the music up so loud that we’d have to yell to speak to one another.  Then we realized we were old.  I REALLY felt bad about this one so I got drunk to get myself back centered. Anyway, I’m afraid for this one considering my line of business and all.

Either way, these are my concerns for the future.  I know you ninjas who are afraid of all kinds of non-sense have had similar fears.  Share the wealth and pass the elastic.

Do tell.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE 3