Fighting Crime With Chicken Little: Why things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem

More common than you think

Although the rapture turned out to be a JaMarcusesque bust, a quick glance at the evening news and the hundreds of thousands of stabbings, shootings, muggings, murders, and animal rapes occurring in every city every day makes it seem like the end is definitely near.

And, when you consider that more and more recession-induced frustrations are going to make people lash out even more at their (bastard) children and the fact that the upcoming NBA and NFL lockouts are going to fill the streets with a bunch of unemployed and uneducated Robocop thugs wandering the streets with nowhere to go after they’ve used up their Strokers credit lines, things aren’t looking up.

It’s a war going on outside, no one is safe, son, it don’t matter if you’re 3 feet or 8’1”, and sh*t is just getting worse and worse and worse.

Or not.

From “FBI: 5.5 percent drop in violent crime”

Crime levels fell across the board last year, extending a multiyear downward trend with a 5.5 percent drop in 2010 in the number of violent crimes and a 2.8 percent decline in the number of property crimes.

Year-to-year changes the FBI released Monday in its preliminary figures on crimes reported to police also showed declines in all four categories of violent crime in 2010. All categories for property crime went down as well.

“In a word, remarkable,” said Northeastern University criminologist James Alan Fox. In his view, the declines signify success for aggressive law enforcement and corrections programs and comprehensive crime prevention efforts. He said the crime levels could easily rise if the current environment of state and local budget cutting extends to law enforcement measures that are working.

Wait, what??? I thought this was the end of the days!!! I thought things were getting worse!!! I visited my old elementary school last month and saw a 5th grader in a ninja costume chasing a lunch lady with a giant tampon!!! I personally know three 28 year old grandmothers who still gang-bang, and one of them is my accountant!!! A Nigerian nun broke into my house last night and shot me in the knee!!! It was a non-lethal wound, but still!!!

Nope.

The FBI reported that violent crime fell in all four regions of the country last year — 7.5 percent in the South, 5.9 in the Midwest, 5.8 percent in the West and 0.4 percent in the Northeast. The bureau’s preliminary statistics for 2010 are based on data from more than 13,000 law enforcement agencies nationwide.

Nationally, murder and non-negligent manslaughter declined 4.4 percent, forcible rape decreased 4.2 percent, robbery declined 9.5 percent, and aggravated assault was down 3.6 percent.

Yikes! Cold hard facts have a funny way of quelling hyperbolic anecdotal hysteria.

Still, even with these numbers, I know there are still going to be people who refuse to believe that crime is actually getting better. People whose notions and fears and misplaced nostalgias will make them maintain that each and every hood is a carbon facsimile of the first 15 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan.” Chicken Littles who refuse to believe that there’s actually hope, actually room to go outside and inhale, and actual proof that the sky is staying right where it’s always been.

As I read that report, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between how our perceptions about crime don’t quite fit the reality and how our perceptions about love and relationships don’t quite fit those realities either. Everywhere I turn (including here) I read more and more proof that we’re a bunch of relationship retards, getting picked last for coitus kickball, destined to eternally ride the short bus of romance. We’re stupid, fat, ugly, undateable, DBR, and…did I mention already that we’re stupid, fat, and ugly?

And, while I’m sure there are people out there experiencing real dating and relationship acrimony, the reality is that things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem. The vast majority of black men are still completely enthralled with black women. Black women are still the baddest and bangingest beings on Earth (even if they don’t quite believe it yet).

We’re still getting giddy when we meet someone who makes us smile, we’re still saving voicemails left by that person so we can listen to them later, we’re still asking our dudes and homegirls for the “hook-up,” we’re still on dates taking up all the damn booth space at the Cheesecake Factory, and we’re still getting invites to weddings that’ll definitely be so hood that they’ll be hilarious. (“Wow. I’ve never been to a wedding reception with a breakfast buffet”) And, speaking of hilarious, Jet magazine still hasn’t run out of their seemingly never-ending supply of pictures and unintentionally hilarious bios of just-married n*ggas.

Can things be better? Definitely. Our main problem continues to be the fact that there’s a bit of a communication disconnect between us, but our increasing willingness to have open conversations proves this is a problem that can (and will) be solved.

I understand that sometimes the barometric pressure makes it so damn tight that we’re convinced the sky is definitely falling. But, when you’re done reading this, take a look out your window. I bet you it’s still there.

—The Champ

In case you missed it, check out our interview with Black Enterprise.

No rapture means that God wants you to stay on Earth and purchase the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

Lastly, we’d like to thank all of you for coming through and nominating us for FIVE Black Weblog Awards. We’re on the final ballot for Best Humor Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, Best Sex & Relationships Blog, Best Group Blog, and Blog of the Year. Please vote for us here.

5 Things Men Say (and do) When We’re Just Running Game

Chicks dig the running game.

You sure?“, my homegirl replied.

Yup. Game.” I said. “He has you hook, line, and sinker. At this point you might as well be a f*cking joystick. We say sh*t like that around women with the hope that, a couple days later, you’ll have the exact same conversation we’re having right now with one of your girlfriends, talking about how you can’t really figure him out.

So he’s making up all of that stuff about his family and his trust issues?

Yes and No. I’m sure he’s telling the truth. He probably does have trust issues. He’s a black man in America. We all have trust issues. Sh*t, I’ve know you for five years and I still don’t trust your ass. Seriously though, you’ve known dude for two weeks. That’s not even three episodes of Jersey Shore. If he was really concerned with you helping him work through his trust issues, he would have waited a bit longer before revealing that he has trust issues. Why? Because he has trust issues, so he shouldn’t trust you.

So, what does he want?

You to prove exactly how trust-worthy you are by giving him some ass.

1. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”

Why it’s game: If you polled every woman who’s ever heard this statement from a man, I’d bet at least 90 percent of them would say they heard it during a variant of the following scenario.

Boy approaches Girl while at National Gout Foundation fundraiser afterparty. Girl is visibly enthralled with the neatness Boy’s full beard, Boy’s Escada Sentiment, and Boy’s proper use of the term “Heteronormative” in a sentence. Boy and Girl exchange numbers, and Boy takes Girl on the best two dates of her post-Facebook life. Girl invites Boy over for “dinner”. After dinner, Boy and Girl sit on living room couch and talk. Girl engages Boy in convo, even though she’s so wet at this point she’s scared she’s going to leave a mark on her couch. Between slips of Sutter Home, Boy nonchalantly mentions that he doesn’t want Girl to get the wrong idea because he’s “not really ready for a serious relationship“.

It’s game because, we’ll, we’re not idiots. We know exactly what we’re doing, exactly how horny you are, and exactly what your expectations were entering the night. But, because she’s already thisclose to “go”, saying “I’m not ready for a commitment” at that moment allows a guy to do commitment type stuff (read: sex) while always having an “Hey, I told you I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship” out whenever she presses him for an actual commitment.

How do I know this? Well, ummm, moving on…

2. “You’re nobody to me”

Why it’s game: Although most men won’t actually come out and tell a woman he’s interested in that he thinks she doesn’t matter, “You’re nobody to me” game occurs when a guy treats a beautiful woman as persona non-grata for absolutely no reason. If he sees her with a group of her girlfriends, he’ll speak to and hug each of them except her. She tells a joke, he mimics a cricket. And, not only does he pretend to not know her name ahead of time (Most beautiful women assume that people already know their names before they’ve been formally introduced . Why? Well, because usually it’s true), he doesn’t even remember it after she tells him.

When it concerns her, he’s basically the guy in the audience at a comedy club who’s bored and silent while everyone around him is cracking up. And, as most stand-up comics will tell you, if you happen to notice the bored guy, you become obsessed with him. Why isn’t he laughing? Is my timing off? Was that joke stale? Did I offend him?

This is game because, well, savvy men know that attractive women are used to men paying attention to them. And, even though they might be attracted to that woman, they know that ignoring her can reverse the seduction script. Now, she’s paying attention to him. Why doesn’t he talk to me? Should I introduce myself? How come he didn’t laugh at my joke? When is he going to approve my friend request? How is it possible that I know this ninja’s name, and he can’t even recall mine? Would fellatio help him remember?

3. “You can be intimidating”

Why it’s game: While it’s true that a very small percentage of women are intimidating to a very small percentage of men, it’s game because well, men don’t talk to women who intimidate them. Why? Because they’re intimidated, duh.

If a man actually tells a woman he’s interested that she intimidates him, he must be talking to her. And, if he’s actually putting the effort into talking to her, he’s not intimidated by her. He’s just saying what he think needs to be said to get her to let her guard down, to get her to prove to him that she’s not intimidating at all.

Also, if she replies “What’s so intimidating about me?”, she’s now given him carte blanche to run off a list of each of her perceived faults right in front of her face. Think about that for a minute. She basically tells him “Hey, I’m not even sure if I’m interested in you yet, but go right ahead and tell me everything you think is f*cked up about me. Also, if you say that I’m “frigid and stiff”, I’ll make sure to show you exactly how loose I can be in the back of your Tahoe later tonight

4. “A woman like you is out of my league”

Why it’s game: Manages to combine the reverse bagging paradox dynamic of the “You can be intimidating” game with a direct punch to the guilt trip muscle every attractive single woman develops after her 28th birthday. Basically, (from an aesthetic standpoint) she is out of his league, but because of her numerous failed relationships with guys “in her league”, this statement starts an avalanche of re-evaluatory mental guilt caused by the memories of all the mundane dudes she’s overlooked. His faux self-deprecation becomes an intoxicant, putting her under a spell of hownormalcanimakemyselfseem just so he’ll give her a chance.

Basically, this is usually how this…

…happens

5. “I don’t know. I’ll try to fit you in, but I’m just really busy with a few projects right now”

Why it’s game: Ah, yes. The “super busy man” game. He’s super focused, man. This week alone he has 8 projects due, he’s studying for the LSAT’s, teaching a bartending class, attending a Bar Mitzvah, performing an exorcism, and releasing a line of urban professional lounge wear for midgets and new parolees. He’s getting his grind on, and he wishes he could make more time for you, but for now the Wendy’s drive thru and those 15 minutes in his parking lot will do. And, you’re ok with this because he’s a busy man, and it makes you feel even better that this important man is making any time in his busy schedule for you.

It’s game because no man on Earth has ever been that busy. Sh*t, even God had time to hit the strip club the night after he created trout. But, the super busy man knows nothing dries panties quicker than the thought of a needy man, so he gives the impression that he’s the complete antithesis. He could be free the entire weekend, but a well-timed “90 minutes just freed up for me Friday night. You down?” text to six different women will have them biting like Jennifer Freeman.

Anyway VSB.com, can you think of anything else men (and women) say (or do) when they’re just running game? Also, has anyone been gamed into doing something they probably wouldn’t have done otherwise?

Lastly, although this entry presented game in a somewhat negative light, is game a bad thing? Afterall, isn’t romance in general game in its highest form?

The floor is yours.

***Btw, if you get a chance, go over to Clutch Magazine and check out “How to Make Sistas Swoon”***

—The Champ

6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking

maybe now is the best time to tell him that the penis snuggie he rocks before sex creeps me out

two things immediately came to mind when news of elin nordegren’s 9 figure settlement came to light last week:

***btw, am i the only one who thinks that elin’s people intentionally leaked that ludicrous 750 number just so people would be like “oh, that’s actually fair and reasonable.” when the real (and still f*cking ludicrous) settlement figure came out? it’s like the guy who asks his girl if they can have an open relationship, knows he’s going to get shot down, gets shot down, and then follows it up with “well, can you start swallowing at least?” because he knows she’ll probably think “well, that’s not too bad. i guess i can start doing that.“***

a) in college, i was once asked by one of my assistant coaches during an especially spirited practice to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive i was threatened with the possibility of being kicked out of practice and the chance that i might have to return at 5am the next morning to do suicides for an hour.

tiger woods asked his ex-wife to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive she was given 100 million dollars.

f*ck earth.

b) tiger’s tale further validates one of the most important tenets of relationships: never f*ck/committ to/marry someone who has much, much less to lose than you do. while i’m not a huge proponent of people always needing to be “equally yoked”, it makes no sense spending valuable time and energy busting off in empty eggshells.

tiger actually breaks this rule twice (marrying a viking nanny and cheating on said viking nanny with the only 53 white women in america actually lower on the status totem pole than viking nannies), proving once in for all that overachieving is best left for libertarians, jets fans, and rapists.

anyway, “they have nothing to lose. you have everything to lose” takes the number one spot on “6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking”, a list that (if made viral) might do more to curb crime-fighting than any other ledger ever posted on vsb.

here’s the rest

2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex

you’d think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t be blowing him at dusk every day if you still can’t muster the courage to tell him that he might be a diabetic because his semen tastes like maple syrup” would go without saying. you’d also think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t give 29 year old shooting guards 120 million dollar contracts if you actually want to win a championship this millennium” would also go without saying, but apparently some sh*t really needs to be said.

3. the sex really f*cking sucks

while awkward new relationship sex is perfectly understandable as you learn each others rhythms, likes, and dislikes, if a period of time has passed and you still would rather watch paint f*ck than sleep with your mate, maybe it’s time to have a “no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender” summit. i mean, if your man’s steak marinade give you amoebic dysentery every time you ate it, don’t you think it would be a good idea to chill with the grilling until he bought some new ingredients?

4. if you have to lie to people about your relationship

before j.l. king ruined the phrase “the down low” (btw, between “the down low”, “partner”, and the rainbow, someone needs to make a list of all the words and phrases the gay mafia has hijacked from the straight lexicon. i’d do it myself, but i’m scared that they’ll decide to hijack “champ” as retaliation.), being in a down low relationship had a bit of a subversive and edgy coolness to it.  you were on the down low, and nobody had to know about your late night creep.

but, although nobody really needs to know all of your adult business, as you get a bit older you start to realize how wack it is to sleep with someone if you (for whatever reason) feel the need to lie about the fact that you’re sleeping with them.

5. if a potential pregnancy would ruin your life

***taken from “the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete“***

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb (or police) if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm

would you ask a homeless man how to dunk? would you buy ten speed for a midget? would you ask a chicken how to shave? of course not.

i’m getting off track here, but the point remains that if you’re not comfortable enough with your own body to get yourself off, how the hell can you expect someone else to, and what type of sadist must you be to subject someone to that?

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that someone either shouldn’t or just aint ready to be in a sexual relationship? in tiger’s case, would it have been cheaper to keep or kill her?

also, am i the only one in utter awe of the omnipotence of the gay illuminati?

—the champ

35 reasons why he cheated

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although i’ve never personally cheated on a mate, i’ve been friends and acquaintances with so many habitual cheaters that i consider myself to be a cheating maven.

i’ve been every alibi (“yeah kim, he was with me last wednesday night. he let me borrow his blender, and since he was there we watched the spurs game, did some blow, and fell asleep on my couch“), heard every story, and have had every possible guilty rationale volunteered to me (“i know i be doing my girl dirty, dog, but i’m anemic so i can’t help it.“)

basically, i’ve heard every single logical reason why a man might have cheated. some are mind-numbingly simple and concise while others are much more nuanced and layered than you would ever imagine

today, as another example of our commitment to fighting crime, i’m going to share all 35 of them. Continue reading

lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

in his most devoted attempt to fight crime, the champ debuted the compass in may, providing the women of vsb with an infallible guide to decipher what men really mean when we’re talking to them. despite his efforts, crime has continued and nicky minaj is still alive, heart-breaking facts inspiring the champ to clear the lines of communication a bit more with the vsb guide to what smart men usually hear when women are talking to us because sometimes the distance between what you say and what we actually hear is farther apart than shaq’s eyes.

“we need to talk…later” = “you know you done f*cked up, right? but, although i know what i need to talk at you about will probably take less than 5 minutes, i’m just going to let you linger in anticipation for the rest of the day for the upcoming guilt ridden tongue-lashing you’re going to receive about something you still have no idea you even did.”

“i miss you” = “bastard, if you dont at least tell me that you miss me back, we’re probably not having sex again until the browns win another game”

“do you think she’s attractive?” = “i need to know which types of women you find attractive so i can start hating them for no apparent reason. i’ll also need this info to limit your contact with any of my girlfriends who might favor them.”

“whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

“i have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “my friend has eight cats. five of them are better looking than she is, and, according to her last boyfriend, one of them is actually better in bed”

“do you like my new hairdo?” = “since you haven’t said anything about it yet, i’m assuming you hate it. but, if you say you like it, i’ll know you’re lying. basically, you’re f*cked.”

“how was your day?” = “did anything happen to you today that i can somehow segue into a 17 minute tangent about myself?”

“i have a boyfriend” = either “try harder” or “no offense, but i think you’re a homosexual”. no in-between.

(from a girlfriend) “i’m going out with my girls tonight” = “i’m going to go out, flirt with a ton of men, accept a bunch of free drinks, dance with my girls, grind with a couple guys like an extra in a freekey zekey video, and come home and take out all of my drunken sexual energy on you. you should be very happy with this arrangement”

“i usually get along with men much better than i get along with women” = “i’m a ho. no, seriously. i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery.”

“kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. he’s doing really well” = “you’re not going to be broke forever, are you?”

“i’m not really that hungry right now. what are you in the mood for?” = “even though i said i’m not that hungry, i’m probably going to shoot down your first three suggestions. my advice? pick a restaurant without pictures on the menu”

“i’ve had a really stressful week” = “i want your babies…on my chest”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, what gets lost in translation with us? what do you usually hear when we’re talking to you?

—the champ