10 Tattoo Ideas For Chris Brown Better Than Rihanna’s February 2009 Face

Starting at the top, I do not believe that Chris Brown tatted the face of a battered woman on his body. Or his neck.

Keep up.

However, I do understand why somebody might think that he’s crazy enough to do so. See, Chris Brown has reached that rare space where if something crazy happens and he’s in the vicinity, there’s probably a better than 50 percent change he’s responsible. Or if something outwardly stupid occurs, and it involves him, it’s highly likely that its intentional or at least not unintentional.

For instance, if you are walking down the street and a chair comes flying out of a window, and two minutes later you see Breezy dance out of the buildling, well, if you assumed he is the one who threw the chair nobody would really dispute or disagree with that conclusion. Or let’s just say that he gets a tattoo that resembles the face of a battered woman – you know, something he’s familiar with – even if it isn’t supposed to be a battered woman, well, assuming that Chris Brown might be dumb enough to get a tattoo that unintentionally resembles the face of the woman he laid his hands on seems totally inbounds, therefore he got a tattoo of a battered woman. Even Mike Tyson would wince at that. You know, hypothetically speaking. In fact, Chris Brown enjoys company with only Ron Artest and Mike Tyson in this club for folks who actually do sh*t that while absolutely insane, seems like just another day at the office. I’m not sure if Chris is proud of bothered by this. Probably a bit of both.

Let’s just say, if Chris Brown walked out on stage holding a wang and a bong and said he was supporting the cause of hermaphrodite tadpoles by discouraging the use of latex mirrors, I wouldn’t even bat an eye.

With that being said, Chris Brown’s biggest problem here is his handlers. So I’m going to officially throw my hat in the ring to be his new Tattoo Czar. He’s got quite the collection already and is obviously hellbent on adding new interesting and questionably tattoos, so I figure that I’ll give him some ideas for tats that will be no less attention-worthy, but won’t really make him look like a deranged d*ck either.

Such as?

Such as…

1. Big Bird f*cking Snuffleupagus

Let’s be real, we’ve all thought it happened anyway. Either way this tat would be both playful and ridiculous and tackle an age old question: are Sesame Street characters asexual?

2. An old woman smoking weed with sunglasses on

This could be in support of medical marijuana usage in California and soon-to-be nationwide! This way he is supporting the AARP set AND the stoner set. This can’t possibly piss anybody off.

3. A white person wearing a Black Panther shirt

This could be one of those big tats that he could show off at concerts in attempts to promote racial harmony and unity. And what’s better than racial harmoney and unity?

Glad you asked…

4. Tupac in a wheelchair coming out the courthouse before going upstate

You know, the iconic photo of ‘Pac. Well, that’s somebody in pain, but nobody would think twice about that. Well, I mean tattin’ ‘Pac on your body is something The Game or Nas would do actually, but still, Chris Brown could tat that in the name of vulnerability or artists who are misunderstood and who do misunderstood sh*t.

5. Beyonce

Though this may definitely cause problems in his own household considering his new chick must absolutely hate Rihanna…so wait, that might be a win actually because Ri-Ri’s natural enemy is Beyonce! Though, he definitely would never be able to smang Rihanna again despite every attempt those two seem to be making to get back together. And he soooooo wants to smang her again.

6. Aaliyah

I mean, Drake has pretty much cornered the market on Aaliyah standom…or has he? After the whole bottle incident that Kevin Hart TOTALLY BOMBED at the VMAs, wouldn’t it just be kind of sneaky good to one up Drake with an Aaliyah tat as well? Not some retarded fill in of the dates either, but like a tat that was a .gif of Aaliyah rocking the boat? I see potential here.

7. A six-pointed pentagram

What? It ain’t like I said a 3-angled rhombus.Seriously, when was the last time you read a blog and saw the word rhombus?

8. Coca-Cola

Since he’s no stranger to odd-ball behavior, being the first rapper to sell skin as ad space might be a good move for him. Plus, that would put him in direct competition with all the famous folks hawking Pepsi. Kanye, Chris is coming for you.

9. An oddly resembling Kim Kardashian face

Talk about your convo starter. It could start a cat fight between he, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, and Kris Humphries. By the way, I know we think Chris is kind of loopy, but is there any doubt that he’d whip Kanye’s ass in a fight? Doubt it.

10. His own face

Not sure how popular this was every where else, but we had this tragic era in Atlanta of people tatting their names in cursive on their arms. Yes. Their own names. Well, what if he big leagued everybody and tatted his own face on his neck? I believe Marlon said it best when he sang in harmony with his brothers, “can you feel it?” I think you can.

So what do you think? Is Chris Brown crazy enough to tat a picture of a battered woman on his person? And how’d I do as his Tattoo Czar? And what OTHER tats do you think Chris Brown should have considered instead of the one he chose?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I AIN’T GOT NO TATS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Signs Of An Insane Man

 

If he gifts you a crocodile, he's crazy.

 

Let’s just put this out here upfront: some men are just f*ckin’ ridiculous.

I can’t lie. For the longest time, I used to swear that women I know were making up the stories about the crazy men running rampant in the streets. I mean, how could men be that crazy considering the source. Ain’t nothing crazier than a woman with time on her hands.

Nothing.

Except a man with time on his hands and an axe to grind. And apparently a lot of women learn this the hard way. I had no idea. My sisters…a muhf*cka apologize. Daaaaaaaaaamn.

In the past few months, I’ve been a witness to and been regaled by the stories of absurd men doing absurd things. I’m so appalled. A VSS had to use me as a decoy after a rather persistent chap offered to take her to the bush and then proceeded to lick her face. Where dey do dat at? I’ve seen the proof of clearly insane men threatening bodily harm and property damage. I’ve been made aware that some men are full on stalkers who must have legal intervention in order to fall back.

In short, some men are absolutely insane. Usually, I reserve my darts of crazy for women but in truth, I have to give a shoutout to my brothas out there for trying to outcrazy those of the boob. Plus, I watch shows like First 48 and Snapped. And I’ve got the power.

Do you see what I did there?

And since nearly EVERY woman we all know has some story about some crazy dude who the regular world thinks is just a calm, cool, and collected dude, I figured I’d do the women a solid and put out there some signs of an insane man since clearly we all know some but women can’t seem to avoid them.

Leggo.

1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up

So you know how everybody keeps getting emails from Nigerian princes wanting to funnel $20 million to us to hold until they get out of the grapes of wrath or something? So let’s say you meet one of these ridiculously wealthy Nigerian princes…except he drives a cab. But he swears that he’s got two PhDs and in his country he’s royalty. He has an elephant named Babar and has his own money. And when I say he has his own money, I mean he has his own money. A prince! Point is, if a dude is telling you about his myriad accomplishments and how important he is…WHILE he’s delivering your package, he just might put you in a trunk one day. By the way, women fall for this sh*t so frequently it’s mind boggling. They’ll recount a story that makes no sense to anybody else but will give the dude the benefit of the doubt anyway. Pheromones are a hell of a drug.

2. He gets really emotionally involved really quickly

And I don’t mean like with a woman, I mean like with anything. Some guys get into their feelings really quickly about any and everything. These are not the men running Fortune 500 companies. No these are the men running the prison yards in California. Cali and Harlem are home to the sensitive thugs. These dudes go from zero to 60 for no apparent reason and then apologize shortly after because they know it was uncalled for. Every time. Any ninja that knows he’s wrong 10 seconds AFTER doing something completely irrational might get you dead.

3. He seems a wee bit too perfect

There are smooth guys out there. Clearly. There are also guys out there who always manage to say exactly what it is that a woman wants to hear. Run like hell, Virginia. Run like hell. Men and women function off of the inherent inability to understand one another but make up afterwards with beeswax bubblegum, whipped cream, and stirrups. Any man who’s made a life out of studying how to get over on women just might Rae Carruth you if things don’t turn out in his favor. And why? Because he built his persona on winning. Some guys can’t take losing. Beware the man who won’t take no for an answer or refuses to accept a hint.

4. He wears outfits of ill repute in public

I hate to say this, but I’m talking about those dashiki-esque, what is that velvet, Foogi suits, Steve Harvey, Jr collection, wearing ninjas who approach women with reckless abandon and are as persistent as can be with their promises of trips to Fiji or Des Moines in their private row on any Southwest Airlines Flight. Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.

5. He crazy

Sometimes it’s blatant. Don’t pretend the red flag is really pink. That would also make him crazy.

Ladies, what are other signs you’ve observed of a crazy man? And fellas, help a sister out today. They need it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST 2011 aka lower.case.p aka 21 KOOKAROO GANGSTA aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Link of The Week: Deja Vu.

So I received this email from Wise Diva the other day with a few web-links in it and lo and behold I came across an article that I swear I’d write. Hell, it almost feels like its the article The Champ and I have been writing all along…

Sometimes folks just get it right.

CO-ED Magazine’s staff wrote an article entitled: 13 Facts About Women…Men Forget

Oh happy happy joy joy mothertruckers. Now, I know that we’ve written a blog before where we mentioned things that we wish the opposite sex realized so it just stands to reason that this article would be right along those lines of things that we support here at VSB.com. So I figured I’d share a few points that I think are particularly poignant, people. Ponder pontificatiously….

A Better Liar: When a man lies, he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’ll dart his eyes, mumble, change the subject and try to just get the hell out of the situation as fast as possible. When a woman lies, she can look the person she loves square in the eye and feed him the biggest load of bullsh*t ever, and make it seem like she’s being perfectly reasonable–more reasonable than usual! (That’s your first clue.) But pity the man who catches his woman in a lie; call her out on it, and she will drop her entire arsenal of your f**k-ups upon your quickly withering form. Forget that tactic; it’s better to just go get drunk and hit on other chicks out of spite.

Constantly Looks For Inner-Meaning: For men, saying exactly what you mean stands as a matter of pride. But no matter how straight your talk, women like to feel like they have more control over the situation by attempting to decode what you’re not saying, so they can guess how you’re feeling and what to do next. Here’s the thing, ladies: Men only talk to accomplish a goal of some type, like working out a business plan. You talk just to talk. It makes you feel better just to get everything out there. If talking isn’t for any reason other than to talk, he’d rather do anything else.

Ouch. But ouch so good.

And who could forget:

Crazy: We know this is cliche, but let’s get something straight: When chemical imbalances (i.e., changes in hormone levels) control your thoughts, words and actions–that’s called crazy. A “visit from aunt flow,” as they say, is enough to throw many women over the edge–at least for a couple of days. And while we will forever hold hope that there’s a reliably sane one amongst them, we are yet to even hear of her existence. In fact, most women admit their (temporary) insanity; you’d know if you listen to them. Don’t, and that’s some sh*t they’ll use against you, if you make the mistake of not knowing what the hell is going on.

And hey…if it’s on the internet, it must be true, right? Right????

And one for the road:

P.S. Women: Don’t believe anything Cosmo or any other “female-targeted publication” tells you about what guys like. Just keep it as close to BJs and BBQ as possible and you’re in the green.

Well I think they got it right…what say you?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST