Tag Archives: crazy women

Single Woman Syndrome

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"I should have been nicer. Maybe I could have kept a man. All those lace thongs and all I used them for was this curtain. What a waste. I'm dusty."

[***DISCLAIMER #1: Read the post. Don't just react to the title. It ain't single BLACK woman syndrome. I know the title alone just got some thongs in a bunch.  - The Mgmt***]

First off, I don’t make Black music. I don’t make white music. I make fight music, for high school kids. Oh, and shots fired.

Second, a definition.

Single Woman Syndrome. noun. a pathological set of behaviors that some women actively engage in that 9 times out of 10 ensures a life of unkilled kittens and grown cats. Not limited to dating, most women who actively exhibit the characteristics of the syndrome tend to be low on friends as well.

[***DISCLAIMER #2: All single women do not have single woman syndrome (as defined). I REPEAT, all single women do not have Single Woman Syndrome.***]

I know a lot of single women. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why the bulk of them are single. They’re good women with great personalities, attractive, they smile, and all seem to be up for some chandelier monkey sex (not that I know from personal experience. A jiggaboo I am not.). I attribute a lot of it to location, the point most of us are in life, blah blah blah. There are lots of reasons basically. And that sucks for them. I’m not trying to cry for them Argentina or anything, but I do hate to see a good set of ovaries going unloved.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, we got this other sh*t. Let’s just be blunt. We all know a lot of single women who seem to be hellbent on ensuring that they stay that way. Some of them look and act like they eat children (no punt intended) for breakfast and drink WD-40 for lunch. Some are as unassuming as unassuming can be until they sneak up on you and start throwing more red flags at you than Lil Wayne  at a communist smoker. And the red flags come. They’re the national symbol of a woman inflicted with Single Woman Syndrome. Antoine Dodson had on a red bandana. Do you know why? Because he has single woman syndrome.

Interesting enough, the same characteristics of SWS are the very ones women hate the most about their friends. Also, just to be fair, two things: 1) a lot of women who exhibit these symptoms manage to get a man, they just can’t keep one; and 2) a lot of men enable this behavior and even encourage it, which is how all these women manage to snag men while their single friends are left scratching their heads wondering if all men really do like crazy broads. It’s a vicious cycle really. Men suck, and we let women who suck be great. At sucking.

PUN.

Here are the signs of a chick with single woman syndrome:

1. Ruled by emotions

Emotions aren’t a bad thing. We all have them. There are entire songs dedicated to them and a popular singing group from the 60s was called The Emotions. They’re everywhere like a child of Antonio Cromartie. The problem is when certain women allow their emotions to guide all of their actions only to have to undo the damage later. Basically, we’re talking about the kind of people who will read the title of this post, comment on the title alone, and then wonder what the f*ck everybody else is talking about since I’m not slamming all women. Yeah, them ni**as. And it’s not that these women are averse to logic. Au contraire Michelle, my belle. In every other facet of life they can be quite logical and exact. But when it comes to the heart, all bets are off. He doesn’t answer the phone in time? Show up at his house and murder him. The first time something like that happens, you can usually laugh it off, but once you realize that a chick is ALWAYS responding that way, eeees no bueno.

2. Constant complainer

“Hey baby, its 75 degrees outside without a cloud in the sky and the federal government is giving out a free million to everybody to show us how much they appreciate us!”

“It would have been better if it was 80 degrees with at least like one cloud to cover the sun. And it better not rain. And a free million? They couldn’t give us two? Why are you calling me so early?”

“It’s 2pm. I love you.”

“Wait til 230pm next time. Love is fleeting booboo. And why are these kids outside my window doing math on the sidewalk? They can’t take that education inside?”

3. Always put you on the stand

When dating, the worst thing that can happen is to be dealing with somebody who does not know how to trust. It’s not that they don’t want to, they just don’t know how. Even a woman dating the most terrible of guys somehow manages to trust him at some point. Not these women. Nope. Even if the guy has done nothing to ever be untrustworthy, the first time broham even does something remotely off center, she’s got him on the stand defending himself. “I knew if I left you alone long enough you’d take that last cookie!!!!” “Baby, I took it out to give it to you…” “LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAR” “No, it has your name monogrammed now…I love you.” “LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”

4. Victims

I don’t mean like stabbing victims. I mean the type of woman who is never at fault. If something doesn’t go right, it’s because somebody else ruined it for her. Always. It’s not that dude did anything wrong, it’s just that dude didn’t do anything right either. And now he has to suffer for it. Not that he would know anyway, his girl is complaining remember? There was nothing he could have done right in the first place.

5. My way or the highway attitude

Similar to always having to take the stand comes the perspective problem. Basically, their perspective is THE one that matters. If you step outside of that, you either need to fix your prollem boss or justify why you made this mistake this time.

The interesting thing about these symptoms is that the friends of these women hate these things too and are usually quick to “forget” to invite them out or remember that they exist.

And why don’t these same issues apply to men? I mean, men are just as guilty of all these things as women are are, right? Right? Of course we are, but somehow, a completely flawed man can end up married without problem to a woman he’s about to ruin. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, women are just better people.

Well, at least those who don’t exhibit SWS.

It’s real in the field.

Does SWS exist or am I blowing smoke? Marijuana. Are there more characteristics? And if so, what? Does Panama hate love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. I HATE LOVE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Should Have, Could Have: The No-Win Situation

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[***ADMIN NOTE: Being on BET and more specifically TV was as crazy for me as it was to be seen on TV. We'll touch more on that during an upcoming podcast. But thanks for all the support. Champ, Liz, and I appreciate it.***]

While the current season of The Game on BET leaves most of us wanting more than Charlie Sheen at a custody hearing, the most recent episode brought to light an interesting quagmire that many men find themselves in: the no-win situation.

But before we get to that, some seven years ago the movie Crash came out in theaters. One scene in particular set the discussion boards and blog comments ablaze. The scene involves A Pimp Named WetWipe aka Terrence Howard, the Colored Girl Who Can Play A Ho and Housewife, Thandie Newton, and two LAPD offiicers. Wetwipe and Colored Girl get stopped by the police, at which point one of the police officers played by Matt Dillon proceeds to feel up Colored Girl in front of WetWipe, who does nothing. That one scene caused more debate and discussion than the Lincoln-Douglass Debates in the Black community.

Should he have done something? Should she have just kept her mouth shut? Should he have taken the impending arsewhooping and jail time to preserve the honor of his woman? Is it worse that he just let it happen no matter what the consequences could have been?

Shouldn’t he have done…something?

Opinions were split and households divided. Absentee fathers came home just so that they could leave their women again because of how some women felt Terrence Howard wasn’t a real man. Thing is, the entire situation was a no-win situation. Letting his woman get sexually assaulted by LAPD is a loss and a shot to his manhood and dignity, not to mention his woman was harassed and he couldn’t do anything because…had he done anything he would have gone to jail and his woman STILL would have been sexually assaulted. The potential beatdown Wetwipe would have taken would have had Rodney King (20 years ago last week…WOW) feeling sympathy. And even now I’m still unsure as to what the proper course of action was. I mean, it’s his wife. It’s his job to protect her.

Oy vey.

Back to the lecture at hand.

In the most recent episode of The Game, Malik is now dating uber-banging supermodel actress chic Jenna (Tika Sumpter) and while he’s out of town for a game the wife of the owner (that he’d been banging, the wife that is) ends up in his hotel room ready for some of that Wright lovin’. She says she wants some of that good good, he says “I told you before, I’m done, I got a chick. I love her cuz she’s got her own.” She threatens rape and starts yelling and screaming and breaking sh*t in the hotel room in order to get what she wants. Now, Malik, being the oddly different and unlikeable character that he is on this season is conflicted.

He has a woman back home in San Diego (btw, is it more are there a whole lot of celebrities and random models and young rich people roaming the streets of The Game’s version of San Diego) that he just got finished jumping up and down on Mo’Nique’s couch which I’m sure is a big deal for people who read Jet Magazine for recent news. Point is, he has this crazy woman in front of him threatening to ruin his life unless he smangs her and a woman at home he loves who doesn’t appear to have vaseline all over her face like the woman in his hotel room. And word to the wise…keep your friends close, enemies closer and keep crazy broads in your sights at all times.

So what does he do? He smangs her. And the feels terrible about it later. And that makes total sense. But he was in a no-win situation. He couldn’t have just left the room. This crazy heffa was throwing things around and playing the rape card. He needs to be able to see her OUT of his hotel room. But he can’t. Crazy chicks do crazy chick things. So he does what he thinks is in his best interest. Smangage.

No-win situation. He lost on all accounts.

And you know what? His girl will never forgive him if he tells her. Which is what he wants to do. Women ALWAYS think there’s something he/we could have done to avert the situation. But is there? From where I’m sitting, short of just running out and praying she doesn’t pull any non-sense. But that’s one hell of a risk.

No-win situation.

So I ask you, good people of VSB, what’s the way out? Ladies, what could Malik have gotten out of the situation? Help a brotha out. We don’t think we can win. Women think we should know better or could have done something different.

What’s the win?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Smiley Face: 10 reasons why women love Drake

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And you know what they say: B*tches love the smiley face.

(If you’re unfamiliar with that particular line from Boondocks and think that Panama is just haphazardly calling women b*tches, well, go kill yourself. Thanks. – VSB Management)

When Drake tells us on “Best I Ever Had” that his buzz is so big he could probably sell a blank disc, well, he’s not lying. I’ve constantly stated that I don’t understand dude’s buzz – and I don’t – but I can’t deny that it exists. Dude’s got more buzz than Lil Kim at a wet bar.

With two Bullets.

Now, I’ll admit that Drake has talent. He’s a more than able wordsmith with clever-enough punchlines. But is that enough to really build a buzz this huge? Not really, especially when you consider how many WOMEN are loving this cat. Not to be to much of jackarse (and much props to the women on VSB who are hip-hop heads), but women don’t usually break most hip-hop artists. At least they don’t create their buzz, anyway. Women may well be indicative of how well they’ll do in the marketplace, but Drake doesn’t even have a tangible product out yet. All of his material is on the net. Even his much lauded mixtape, “So Far Gone” (download link) is a web-only product. Slap me silly and call me Susan, but I don’t think there’s a huge amount of women on Datpiff.com.

I could be wrong.

And he’s from Canada. Home of the floppy heads and beady little eyes.

And yet, b*tches people love Drake.

So this got me to thinking, what exactly is it about Drake that has the internets AND the women going nuts?

10 Reasons Why B*tches Women (and other people) Love The Smiley Face Drake

1. He’s lightskint. Let’s be real, women have been waiting since Al B. Sure Ginuwine for another musically talented lightbrite to come onto the scene and Drake fits the description. And this one doesn’t look like he’ll beat the brakes off of anybody. Women tend to only want darkskint men to beat them. Light dudes are great for hair tips.

2. He makes nice music for women. Even his ignoranter songs (i.e. “Every Girl”) are really deferential to women in a respectful way. His mixtape mostly sounds like R&B with sing-rapping (i.e. Lykke Li covers, etc), tailor-made for women. Sure he’s acting all cocky and talking about taking women home, but he also seems like he’ll take you home…to cook for you. What a nice chap.

3. He’s a singin’ a** rapper. The difference between him and Kanye is that Drake can actually hold a note, on his own, without Autotune, and women love guys that can serenade them, even if he’s singing, “you’re the f*cking best, you’re the f*cking best…” I’ve always thought that singing curse words was hot. Apparently women think so too.

So basically, 2+3 =

4. He sing-raps about women, a lot. Like on almost every song. The key to getting women interested in your music is to constantly make songs about women. Drake does this a lot. Quit the cocky little f*ck, actually, though even when he’s talking about h*es on “Successful” it sounds more like he means “big hug” than, ya know, h*es.

5. Though cocky, he comes off as a complete herb when he’s not on the mic. Because of this, women think he’s sincere and genuine and will probably sleep with him and will wear t-shirts that say “Drake’s Boo” on them, before he even has an album out. Motherf*cking amazing.

Continue reading →

The Morning After.

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Wow…almost 700 comments on our 100th post and we managed to bring out a gang of folks who’ve never really commented before.

Kudos.  Canons to the right of them.  Canons to the left of them.

And for the record, I largely expect all of you lurkers who came out of the woodworks to start commenting now.  Change…that’s what Obama’s talking and he’s our Democratic Presidential Nominee.  Change, it’s what’s for breakfast.

Two other things – 1) since so many of you do indeed live in the Washington, DC, area I’m going to try to kick off this DC Happy Hour.  If you’re interested in coming, fill out this form with your name (it can be a fake name, knock yourself out Slappy McDufferman) and e-mail address so I can compile a list and send out an evite or something.

2)  We kcufed up.  Yes we.  Oui.  We kcufed up.  I already said that.  Luckily it wasn’t our fault, it was Jim Jones fault and you all know this.  It’s always Jim Jones fault.  And with that said (I will kill ninjas dead)…

The Richard Simmons Award for the commenter most likely to actually meet everybody involved with VSB.com, not in a dark alley (or maybe a dark alley, heh heh heh) and make sure that we’re staying up on our grizzly and give us hugs goes to Intellecutal Hedonist, who has managed to email us with interesting enough things and enough times to make us feel like she’s part of our family.  She’s also the person who’s most likely to take it in stride that Jim Jones kcufed us up.

Funny the same songs helped us right our wrongs.  Forgive we?

On to today’s post.  We just saw the nomination of our first African-American Presidential Candidate.  Wow.  I honestly thought I’d never see the day.  But I did see the day.  Me and about 500 folks packed out a nightclub to watch it.  By the way Champ, Bonequisha said hi and quit coming late on her child support.

Well the nomination got me to thinking about folks in my life that I’d LOVE to nominate for something.  And since we had a gang of nominations (and one erroneous Republican cock-up) yesterday, I figured I’d keep the democracy alive and tell you a story.

Once upon a time, I dated a crazy chick.  No, really.  I mean she was bonkers.  In fact, let me tell you how bonkers she was.  She was so bonkers that though we never actually went on a date, we were dating.  How in Sam Hill were we dating you ask?  Good question.  I know this because her parents told me that we were a happy couple and had been for quite some time.

Imagine my surprise.  I hadn’t the foggiest.

Bottom line though, apparently I was dating a crazy chick.  Just because I didn’t know it doesn’t mean it wasn’t so.  It just wasn’t all-the-way so.  Just so-so.  So So Def.

Well every so often, this nutso broad runs through my mind and I’m prone to stifling a laugh at that situation.

In fact, if I was given only one chance to nominate a person for one award EVER, she’d be the person as I’d nominate her for Craziest Heffa To Grace The Face of Earth for her constant shenanigans and inability to take no for an answer.

I swear, I once told her that I never wanted to talk to her ever again.  She called me right back to tell me that she only thought I was joking and that I couldn’t possibly mean it.

I keed you not.

So my good friends of VSB.com and newfound lurker friends who’ve been outed as of yesterday:

If you could nominate any of your past relationships or relationshipees for an award…what award would you present to them?  In fact, it can be either good or bad.  We all have somebody we can nominate da**it.  I’ll save the good ones for the comments assuming I can get to them.

And by the way, the Ike and Tina Award for Most Punches Thrown in the middle of a Quiet Conversation goes to a couple I just saw walking down U Street, NW, in Washington, DC who I’d swear were completely in love if they weren’t beating the horse’s arse out of one another.  True story.  Even the cop was confused.

Give it to me baby.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

PS I ordered my shirt today.  Did you?