Things Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Looking

“For real? I never would have thought that using my girlfriends razors and body wash mixed with her nail polish remover would get me a clean shave on my balls. Thanks man!”

If I had a dollar for every time a woman was surprised after I told her that guys actually talk about feelings and emotions amongst one another I’d probably have enough to buy Oprah – the lean years. It would seem that most women that all of men’s conversations involve strippers (a lot do), pr0n (a lot do), and sports (even our emotional convos involve sports analogies or references to sports figures going through what we’re going through). Oh, and hip-hop. They also ALL involve hip-hop especially since rappers are now on vh1 putting their relationships on blast. That might actually be the best assist ever to men. We can watch some of these shows in the name of hip-hop (and all that’s wrong with it) all the while truly satiating our inner gossip.

By the way, Scandal might be the most ratchet show on television and is Basketball Wives for the educated set. Yeah, I said it.

Anyway, the point is, men have a lot of deep and meaningful and ridiculous conversations that probably sound a lot like the conversations women have. Hey, people are people and men, we’re a people. You’d like some examples? I got examples. Let me consult my (dated political joke coming in 5…4….3….2….1) binder full of b*tches. Word to Mitt Romney.

1. Our hair (or lack there of).

So you know how there are Facebook pages and twitter hashtags dedicated to #teamnaturalhair and #longhairdontcare and all that joyous pride women have in their hair – though perms seem to catch all types of hell. Seriously, why does what that chick does with her hair affect your life? Women, so beautiful but so angry when it comes to hair. Anyway, guys? We do that too. Though usually its guys who are either going bald, are bald, or just shave their head because they like the bald look. See, noboby likes razor bumps and as bald men, you’re entire life is dedicated to finding that perfect shave to eliminate the possibility of such inconveniences. So guys trade tips on what types of razors we use and what type of products we use after the fact. Things like how often do you shave, do you go with or against the grain, what products don’t work, etc. Many a woman will tell you a smoothly shaved bald head is a thing of wonder…well, men we notice these things too and if we’re bald we want to achieve that thing of wonder. While I’m sure there are some support groups for men who shave their heads, I don’t know any guys who would actively seek them out and put their FB profile on it to yell it loud, “I’m bald and I’m proud.” These same practices also occur for chaps with locs.

2. Which rappers/athletes are sleeping with so and so, etc.

Obviously we all know that men gossip just as much (its not more) than women. However, our gossip…#itsjustdifferent. We talk about who ball players and rappers are dating. And if they do something stupid we acknowledge it as well, but largely we tend to be amazed at how certain rappers manage to to snag the baddest chicks at all times. Etc. We also like to talk about how some rappers and athletes seem to be total b*tches and how we’d never want to hang with them either. Etc. Ya know, guy stuff.

3. How f*cked up so and so is for doing such and such…

Despite what we display to the world via our thuglike exteriors, men are amazingly emo. I know, Captain Obvious checking in. However, guys also do tend to hold their boys accountable for a lot of dumb sh*t that we do. Just because we tend to eschew all advice and consult that would likely help us out in life doesn’t mean we’re not getting it. This could be a function of having good friends – which I do – but there hasn’t truly been a bad decision I’ve mad yet that hasn’t been questioned by my boys in a very methodical and sensical way. Same with relationships, guys will talk very candidly and openly about both the good and bad in their relationships amongst one another. I mean, we all need somebody to talk to. I might seem unbelievable since many women complain that men won’t open up about our feelings to them but we do tend to share them with our boys at times. I know, its counterproductive. I know. But hey, we’re human.

4. Self-improvement….

While I think that women are probably the largest consumers of self-help books and programs – notice I said largest, not only – guys will absolutely discuss ways that we can improve as people and what we need to be doing to be a stand up person for the community and for our families, etc. Again, we might not be perfect in our own personal dealings but we largely know what we need to be doing and we talk about that a lot. “I need to step up for my family. ” “I need to take more of an active role in helping out around the house”. Etc. These convos happen.

Now, these converse tend to feature a lot more colorful language than they probably do when being held by our ladyparts counterparts but they do indeed happen.

Fellas, what are other convos we have that women would be surprised we’re having? Ladies, have you ever been privy to a convo you were surprised your man or any man was having?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. COUNTRY NINJA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Litmus Tests of Love: Dating and Relationship “Firsts” No One Ever Talks About

This was actually a new perm 20 minutes ago.

“It was cool until he ended the sentence with a smiley face, And then ended the next sentence with another smiley face.”

This statement came from a friend of mine (“Toni”) who was recapping the days leading up to a very underwhelming date she had last week. One of her relatives hooked her up with some guy, and before they met in person they spent a couple days talking on the phone and through Gchat.

Now, according to Toni, the guy actually had some potential, but the smiley face faux pas during their first conversation put him in a hole that was too difficult for him to get out of. And yes, a guy using emoticons in a conversation with a woman he’s interested in dating is a major mistake. At that point, you might as well just tell her that your dick’s the size of a 24 tablet Advil bottle. Smiley faces and sh*t should be reserved for women you’re already sleeping with or women you have absolutely no intentions on ever dating. Basically, girlfriends and parents.

Anyway, by the time they actually got around to going on a date, he would have had to been a combination of Idris Elba and Stephen Hawking to get Toni to warm back up. I know some will read this and think that Toni was being too harsh on a brotha, but you can’t underestimate the importance of the first conversation.

More crucial than the overrated first impression and more influential than the first date (Why? Well, a great first conversation can get you a second date if the first date is awful.), the first conversation sets the tone and expectation level for the rest of the relationship. It’s basically exactly like the first semester in college, except that instead of academic probation and decreased financial aid, an awful first long conversation will get you, well, nothing.

Anyway, there’s a ton of dating and relationship literature already devoted to sh*t like first dates, first kisses, first time meeting the parents, first time sleeping with her friend, and other relatively insignificant benchmarks, so today I’m going to shed light on a few more firsts that actually f*cking matter.

The first time having great sex

I say “first time having great sex” instead of just “first time having sex” because for many (if not most) people in new relationships, the first time having sex is usually an exercise in awkwardness. Aside from the fact that you’re still learning about each other and each other’s bodies, there’s the whole “Damn. He definitely knows about my mutant tiger nipple now. No hiding it anymore” factor as well.

But (hopefully) you see the potential there, and you keep progressing until, one day, you decide to get all Justin Slayer and Jasmine Cashmere on each other. Lamps are broken, pounds are lost, walls are hit, sheets are ruined, cops are called, and pets are frightened. What happens afterwards, though, is even more important as great sex has a funny way of changing a relationship’s dynamic. You’ve gone from “a couple” to “a couple capable of f*cking the sh*t out of each other,” and not everyone can handle that transition.  Some turn asshole. Others turn clingy and suspicious. Either way, you won’t know unless you actually do it, and it’s a very fun and very important barrier that each new couple needs to cross.

The first time someone says something not completely positive about the other’s parents

Generally speaking, there are three possible reactions to hearing “Your mom’s green beans were a little salty yesterday” from your mate

A) Laugh it off and agree. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe the salt shaker slipped out her hand or something.” This usually proves that your relationship has long-term potential

B) Agree, but remember to make sure to let your man know the next time his mom invites them over to eat her dry-ass meatloaf. When this occurs, your relationship can go either way.

C) Become irrationally defensive. “F*ck you, stupid bitch!!! Dorothy Mantooth is a saint and the best cook on the planet!!! They serve her green beans in Heaven, you hellbound harlot hoochie!!!” This usually proves that your relationship probably isn’t going to last longer than “Undercovers”

The first serious argument

It seemed like any other morning. She spent the night, and she’s getting ready for work. Right before she heads out the door, you kiss, and she reminds you that she might need a ride home from work that day. No problem, you say, as you continue checking your email and eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats. She also says that she has a, um, “surprise” for you later on.

Fast-forward to 4:55 pm. You’ve had a super busy day. A ton of meetings, a lunch with your boss, and you had to attend a company party for a soon to be retired secretary that you always hated. You got off at 4:30, but it’s been such a hectic day that you’re just sitting in the chair in your office, half-asleep, half just allowing yourself to cool down. Your phone vibrates. You check it and see that it’s a text from your girl. “Hey, babe. Call when you’re a block away. I’ll just come down to the lobby

At first you have no idea what the hell she’s talking about, and then it dawns on you: “F*ck! This morning, she asked me to pick her up at 5.” Now, although it’s only a 25 minute drive from your job to hers, the time it takes to make that drive depends on when you leave. If you would have left at 4:30, you would have been there in time. But, because of the usual 5 o’ clock traffic, that trip will probably take you an hour now.

You call her and lie, er, tell her that you’re probably going to be a half hour or so late. You can hear the disappointment in her voice, but shes cool about it and just says “That’s ok. It’s probably just easier for me to take the bus home. I’ll see you later, babe”

She makes it home a half hour or so later. You decide to stop by instead of heading home because you want to make sure she made it home okay and, well, you’re trying to get some ass. She opens the door, soaking wet and smoldering. Apparently, after she got off the bus to walk to her apartment, her neighborhood got hit with a sudden downpour. This wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the fact that she got her hair done today. In fact, that’s actually why she asked you for a ride home.

Now, you not picking her up is just another example of you being “…selfish, inconsiderate, mean, and untrustworthy.” You’re also made aware that she still hasn’t really forgiven you for leaving a comment saying “Looking good as usual” on some chick’s Facebook profile pic three months ago. Your first serious argument ensues, and both of your reactions to this pseudo-drama will basically determine if this is a relationship worth pursuing. Godspeed and sh*t, young lovers. Godspeed.

The first time you don’t agree on a movie selection

She’s wants to see “Tree of Life.” You want to see “Transformers 3.” Either you all need to find a way to compromise, or someone is about to die a very slow and very passive-aggressive death

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m sure I’m leaving out a few? Can you think of any other important dating and relationship firsts that no one ever really talks about?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

The Convo

I disagree with your assertion, sir, that my having an Adam's Apple and masculine facial features makes me less feminine.

Today, I’d like to discuss the concept of wasted time management and how it’s viewed differently by men and women. But first…

…we must dance.

GO KING BEEF! GO KING BEEF!

Ahem.

Let me set up a scenario (and folks who follow me on tha Twittah will be famillyur with this. No Tyrese.)

So a Pollock, a Priest, and a Japanese Sweater Monkey walk into a bar and see a young urban male and female sitting at a bar talking. Rapture. The guy and the gal are chopping and hamming it up like old friends who just met 5 minutes ago. They talk about everything from the dating scene to the education system in America to identity crisis management (called The Mariah Carey Black Fan Procurement Project), etc. It’s a joyous and righteous occasion. They laugh. The conversation flows naturally and funly.  Hours pass. Three hours in fact. Titanic-convo proper. At some point, the male looks at his watch and realizes he has somewhere else to be (around midnight) and tells the female half of their tandem that it’s been a pleasure talking to her and that he wishes her a great night.

Toodles to you b*tches.

Scrrrrrrrrr….wait what did he just say?

Yeah girl. Ole boy just spent hours talking to the chick and he ain’t eeeeen say that he got ole girls number. Why he even gon’ waste her time like dat. That’s just wrong, Shirleyquana. So wrong. Just hit her with the toodles.

So yes, they parted ways and nary a phone number was exchanged. This is where the debate begins. So let’s just start with the question:

1. Ladies, if you spend all of that time talking to a man and he doesn’t ask you for your number do you feel some type of way?

2. Fellas, if you end up talking to a woman for an extended period of time, do you feel any obligation to get her phone number?

Discussion:

I’ve had various convos with women who’s main issue with this, assuming they had one, was why would any man spend all of that time talking to a woman he wasn’t interested in AND waste her time in the process. She could have been talking to a man who was interested in her for more than just a conversation and he stole that time for her, so to speak. I disagree with that because hell, she didn’t know when they started talking what was going to come out of it, and neither did he. They just started talking and ended up hitting it off. That however doesn’t establish a love connection. Should he curtail the convo once he realizes he doesn’t want to see her naked cartwheels? I mean if the convo is good why stop it? Plus, doesn’t this place all of the onus up on the man? He is the sole dictator of if anything transpires?

While I realize that the answer to that question is probably yes, isn’t it a bit presumptuous to assume that a guy is going to ask for your number just because he talked to you? Hell, I don’t assume I’ll get your number if I buy you a drink. But that’s because if I do and then you don’t then I will and you won’t and I can but you aren’t. And you see how confusing that is.

Now from where I’m sitting, I can understand why a chick might feel some kind of way. Once women tend to invest their time in a convo (and three hours is an investment of sorts, even if it wasn’t intentional) it’s because they’ve decided it was a good use of their time. Which means that if nothing comes of it, it wasn’t a wise investment, technically. Or maybe its just so hard out here for a pimp that when a good conversation shows up, the hope is for the potential of more and why for come the dudes doesn’t see that as well. I don’t know. I don’t have ovaries so I’m just speculating.

As ye of testes though, I view it was a good convo and nothing more. If I know I won’t use the number, I’m not gonna ask for it. I know lots of women who I can talk to for hours and want nothing from them whatsoever. If I see them out then great we can chop and screw it up all the live long day but it goes no further than that. And I’m sure a great many of them feel that same way about me. I’m a talker and I know a lot of talkers. We can wax philosophical any time, any place. You can have whatever you like. You want to talk pr0n and strippers or Karl Marx and the fall of the Byzantine Empire we can do that too. I’d prefer the pr0n and stippers convo but I’m open. No OB/GYN.

Back to the lecture at hand. Clearly a guy shouldn’t get a woman’s number if he’s not going to use it as that is leading on behavior. However, if a dude realizes he’s not going to try to get in a chicks skivvies, should he shorten the convo and NOT take hours of her time?  Even if everybody gets something out of it.

Me no know. What it do, what the business is?

What’s the law?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Also, don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “YourDegrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”